I'm aware that this is a bit of an odd question to ask, but I was wondering if you could describe what it is that you get out of relationships?

Not just romantic relationships, but also friendships and family. How would you describe your desire to seek out others, or why do you feel close to them? In what ways does it affect you when good or bad things happen to the people you know, and why, since it's not happening to you?

I've been friendless and mostly isolated for more years of my life than not, and I have never been in any romantic situation (never mind a full relationship). I know this should bother me, yet it doesn't. However it does make me curious about what motivates other people to seek out relationships with others.

[Harmacy]

The thing I miss most about not having a partner / close friend is not having someone to go on holiday with. I don't have any family I do stuff like that with and never seem to be able to make a relationship last long enough to get around to making holiday plans. Almost got there once but it all fell apart. I did go on holiday once with a friend I was drifting apart from and it finished the friendship (I still think it was preferable than going alone though).

Then there are the day to day things like having someone to talk to and share ideas / find common interests. I'm not someone who needs to be around people all the time so don't have a huge problem with living alone but do wish I had people living near I could call on and meet up for a coffee or a quick chat, I have nobody like that really and the limited social interaction I have is at work mainly.

Do you enjoy doing things like holidaying alone? My problem is that I hate doing stuff on my own and always think people will judge me if they see me, even just walking along the street alone sometimes makes me feel vulnerable. I know rationally I shouldn't let what I imagine other people are thinking stop me getting out and about but some days it's tough.

[Depletion]

I like to feel understood. It's very comforting to me to feel as though the other person really sees who I am. I think that helps with feeling anxious about judgement. If I know that another person truly sees the way that I work on the inside then I feel like they are less likely to judge me. For me this is vindicating.

I also like to have someone who will listen to my ideas, and who will argue with me about them. Or I can argue with them about their ideas (I'm an annoying intellectual type).

Sillyness is also important to me. My fiancee and I both had terrible childhoods so sometimes we are just silly together like kids. I don't know if I could do that if no one else was there. I have the most fun when I am with him.

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by Trebyn

I'm aware that this is a bit of an odd question to ask, but I was wondering if you could describe what it is that you get out of relationships?

Not just romantic relationships, but also friendships and family. How would you describe your desire to seek out others, or why do you feel close to them? In what ways does it affect you when good or bad things happen to the people you know, and why, since it's not happening to you?

I've been friendless and mostly isolated for more years of my life than not, and I have never been in any romantic situation (never mind a full relationship). I know this should bother me, yet it doesn't. However it does make me curious about what motivates other people to seek out relationships with others.

you know i'm glad you asked this question..i often wonder why i continue to go through the trouble,disappointments and heartache. a lot of times i don't think it's worth it. a lot of it is i hate to be alone, i suffer from severe BPD so that doesn't help at all, so i have made a lot of impulsive bad decisions just because i want to be loved, to this day i still make bad decisions, it must be nice not to have to taste the sting of heartache, i keep telling myself i will never do a relationship again yet i always seem to end up in one..i feel like there is something missing in my life if i don't have a gf, so it is very difficult for me to be single.

as far as friendships, again i think it goes back to not wanting to be alone.
i live by myself so that makes it imperative that i have friends and people to be around, my cat is a sweetheart but she's not enough! hee hee, i do like some time alone but not too much, so i tend to do things that aren't in my best interest to be around people, so i guess companionship is one thing i get out of relationships

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by trying2survive

you know i'm glad you asked this question..i often wonder why i continue to go through the trouble,disappointments and heartache. a lot of times i don't think it's worth it. a lot of it is i hate to be alone, i suffer from severe BPD so that doesn't help at all, so i have made a lot of impulsive bad decisions just because i want to be loved, to this day i still make bad decisions, it must be nice not to have to taste the sting of heartache, i keep telling myself i will never do a relationship again yet i always seem to end up in one..i feel like there is something missing in my life if i don't have a gf, so it is very difficult for me to be single.

as far as friendships, again i think it goes back to not wanting to be alone.
i live by myself so that makes it imperative that i have friends and people to be around, my cat is a sweetheart but she's not enough! hee hee, i do like some time alone but not too much, so i tend to do things that aren't in my best interest to be around people, so i guess companionship is one thing i get out of relationships

Your response is the one that closely mirrors mine....I often wonder what the point of relationships is since I only seem to get hurt at the end of them and they always end too quickly, whether I'm doing the ending or they are. As far as friendships, I'm a terrible friend because I just hate the whole 'bonding' thing...it's like I want a compatriot when I want one and when I'm tired of them, I want them to go away (or I go away) and that's not really condusive to a friendship.

I have enough of people at work...coworkers and donors, and I'm 'on' when I'm there (I often say 'showtime!' just before I open the doors) so by the time I get home I just want the quiet of my dog, and the lull of a vacuous television show. That even goes toward my ex....before I made him an 'ex' for good reasons...our relationship was mostly long distance and that suited me well....when he came to visit for a few weeks, after the first week, I just wanted him to go home. Too much stimulation (not the good kind, either).

So now, I work, I come home, walk my dog and if I need interaction, I go online and talk to my friends there. And when I'm tired, or feeling anxious I can just leave...no long winded explanations...just 'I gotta go'. It's freeing. I do need interaction...I just have to have it on my terms.

Wow....guess finding a love interest is out of the question now, huh?

So it sounds like everyone kind of develops their own reasons for enjoying having relationships, but that the urge to have those relationships is a bit unexplainable, and is *just there*. Would that be right?

Suppose for a moment that one of your parents was crying, or a sibling was. Would seeing them like that affect you? And if so, why, and what would you do?

Or suppose that a friend has been struggling with something lately and has been looking to you for support. Would you give them the time to provide it? Or would you seek out the company of someone less needy?

Sorry for all these questions... I'm trying to understand how other people process one another.

[waiting4]

Honestly, if a sibling or parent were crying, I would feel equal amounts of discomfort...I would try to calm them, but would feel awkward doing it. If a friend were needing support I would try, but again, I'm not a very good friend...in fact, I'm a much better aquaintance (people seem to feel safe telling me the most intimate details of their lives)...for a limited time. Once it becomes a 'friendship' then I feel smothered and awkward.

If a lover were upset or crying, I would dissolve in hurt for him. I have, even. I'm not sure what the difference is, but it's there. Sorry I can't be of more help, but I think because of previous hurts, I tend to keep the wall up around myself consistantly and that doesn't offer much opportunity to create, or maintain friendships, or the kind of feelings you are wondering about.

If one of my family members were crying, I'd figure out what the problem was & tell them to solve it. I wouldn't really be swayed by their tears, though. And if a friend has been struggling? Depends on the friend. I dislike needy people & avoid that weakness at all costs... But I don't mind helping people who otherwise have their **** together. It feels like they actually deserve it.

I'd agree with the observation that everyone comes up with their own reasons why they appreciate the company of another person but the drive itself is inexplicable. I'm still trying to figure out why exactly I seek close relationships & what they do for me... I'll get back to this if my introspection proves fruitful!

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by Trebyn

So it sounds like everyone kind of develops their own reasons for enjoying having relationships, but that the urge to have those relationships is a bit unexplainable, and is *just there*. Would that be right?

Suppose for a moment that one of your parents was crying, or a sibling was. Would seeing them like that affect you? And if so, why, and what would you do?

Or suppose that a friend has been struggling with something lately and has been looking to you for support. Would you give them the time to provide it? Or would you seek out the company of someone less needy?

Sorry for all these questions... I'm trying to understand how other people process one another.

Well if one of my parents was crying I'm not sure what I would do since I have issues around emotional insect, and being put in an adult care taking role as a kid. But if my sister is upset, I try to do everything that I can to comfort her (i.e. tell her jokes, help her work thought the problem, get angry on her behalf). And if it was a friend I think I'd pretty much do the same thing. But if the friend kept violating my boundaries, by say calling too often, or only ever allowing the conversation to be about their issues, I would try to talk to them and find a way to work it out. If the person kept disregarding my needs then I would think about ending the relationship, or distancing myself from the person.

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by waiting4

Your response is the one that closely mirrors mine....I often wonder what the point of relationships is since I only seem to get hurt at the end of them and they always end too quickly, whether I'm doing the ending or they are. As far as friendships, I'm a terrible friend because I just hate the whole 'bonding' thing...it's like I want a compatriot when I want one and when I'm tired of them, I want them to go away (or I go away) and that's not really condusive to a friendship.

I have enough of people at work...coworkers and donors, and I'm 'on' when I'm there (I often say 'showtime!' just before I open the doors) so by the time I get home I just want the quiet of my dog, and the lull of a vacuous television show. That even goes toward my ex....before I made him an 'ex' for good reasons...our relationship was mostly long distance and that suited me well....when he came to visit for a few weeks, after the first week, I just wanted him to go home. Too much stimulation (not the good kind, either).

So now, I work, I come home, walk my dog and if I need interaction, I go online and talk to my friends there. And when I'm tired, or feeling anxious I can just leave...no long winded explanations...just 'I gotta go'. It's freeing. I do need interaction...I just have to have it on my terms.

Wow....guess finding a love interest is out of the question now, huh?

hee hee, i know what you mean..sometimes some of my friends don't know when to leave! LOL! it is nice to be able to come and go as you please here isn't it! I could never do that while i was in a relationship, it just sucks that i get so lonely..if i could overcome that, HMMM! ha ha ha, finding a love interest won't be easy! but the what is these days! LOL!

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by Trebyn

So it sounds like everyone kind of develops their own reasons for enjoying having relationships, but that the urge to have those relationships is a bit unexplainable, and is *just there*. Would that be right?

Suppose for a moment that one of your parents was crying, or a sibling was. Would seeing them like that affect you? And if so, why, and what would you do?

Or suppose that a friend has been struggling with something lately and has been looking to you for support. Would you give them the time to provide it? Or would you seek out the company of someone less needy?

Sorry for all these questions... I'm trying to understand how other people process one another.

if one of my parents was crying...hmm.i probably wouldn't do much as we were never close

i have one brother, i would ask what is wrong at least

as far as a friend i would definitely support them & would hope they do the same if i needed it( some times i do this too much!)

Originally Posted by waiting4

Sorry I can't be of more help, but I think because of previous hurts, I tend to keep the wall up around myself consistantly and that doesn't offer much opportunity to create, or maintain friendships, or the kind of feelings you are wondering about.

No no, all of the replies have been very helpful I appreciate everyone having taken the time to answer.

I like making people happy.

I really think more than the average person. And that's not something I say because it's like some kind of special thing or anything. Some people are good at public speaking and join a toast master's organization. I can often find how to make people feel better or make them happy, so I do that, and it makes me happy.

In general, i develop and foster a handful of long term, close, stable friendships. In terms of a romantic relationship, it's the same, but with romantic type love on top of that. It's important to me because, again, I like making people happy

But also it's important to me to feel like I can work with someone on projects, feel like I have a team mate on things in general. also I can focus my positive energy on some one specific. If i feel like cooking a special meal, painting something, just want to do something nice for someone, there is someone there I can share that productivity and good feeling with, someone I can aim it at specifically.

I'm also naturally a caretaker.

I don't need to have someone, but I am much happier when i'm attached because it makes me happy to have someone to care for. not when they are completely dependent on me 24/7, but when they appreciate it regardless.

[Grey Matter]

I think it is important to mention (for the OP in what you first posted) there is no "should" with how you feel about something like this. Some people thrive with relationships (be that friendship, platonic/romantic), and some are the opposite. I am one of those who does better alone.