[tiodlliwi]

I've touched on some anxieties I have with family stuff lately but would really appreciate a little perspective. I'm the youngest and only girl (26), have always been the closest of the children to my parents, have always looked to them for reassurance on pretty much any decisions I make, and have always really been uncomfortable or anxious when they disagree with me or make comments. That being said, lately I feel the need to "cut the apron strings", really focus my thoughts and time on being a better ME, and trying not to always worry about what they are thinking about me or my life, becoming an independent woman!

I live about 30 minutes from them and my husband and I used to spend quite a bit of time with them- going out for dinner, hanging out at their house, watching movies, etc.- much more so than my brothers ever did (but they also are busy with their own children and we do not yet have any). I guess my question is, during this sort of transitional period, I wouldn't want to push them away altogether.

I email my mom almost daily, call about once a week to say "hi" and check in, and we see them probably 2-3 times a month. This is much LESS than it used to be- used to call for trivial questions, fill them in on my day, etc as needed. I don't know where the balance is. I don't want to feel guilty for not wanting to spend so much time/energy on them and wondering what they're doing, are they wondering why we aren't stopping by this weekend or calling as much?, etc.

Not sure how often is often enough to see/call. If I used my brothers as a measuring stick, I'm willing to bet they rarely call just to chat, and rarely make plans with them besides the times the whole family gets together or for babysitting. But, I can safely bet that they don't sit around and worry about these things.

It's hard for me to deal with change and I do love them, I'd just more often than not rather be at my own home on the weekends or doing things with my husband or friends- is that selfish? But then when I do see them, I feel like there's always comments about how no one ever calls or wants to come over anymore (laying on guilt or is is justifiable?)

How can I strike a balance in all of this... Any help please! I know post is more like a tangent but I think anyone with anxiety can relate when you have something that occupies your mind and once you start talking/writing, it just spills out. So I apologize that this is so long and scatterbrained, I could just really use some supportive banter.

[sabby]

I don't know if I can be much help, but I can give you my two cents worth of ideas...LOL

I think in most cases, the daughters of the family seem to be the ones who keep more contact with the parents after leaving their homes more so than the sons. And since you are the only girl and the youngest, your parents have probably grown to depend on having you around the most.

As we all age, parents begin to feel left out after raising all the kids and being involved with them so much. They may not have the social life they once had, or the energy for much of a social life either, so they depend on their children to keep them going.

You and your husband have every right to have your own lives and do your own things without having to check in with mom and dad about every little thing going on. It seems to me that the contact you are still having with your parents is sufficient enough. Maybe you can help them adjust by making a "movie night" kind of date with them once a week or once every two weeks and make the time together special in some way. Explain to them that by not having daily contact, when you do get together you will all have something to talk about instead of just staring at each other ...LOL

Let them know how much you love them and appreciate them, but kindly tell them that you are a grown woman now and because of their loving guidance and instruction, you can now put to use the lessons they taught you.

I'm sure it will be a bit difficult for them at first. I hope they come around and get more comfortable with things. Please don't feel guilty about wanting to live your own life....when they try putting the guilt trip on you, that's when you can lovingly tell them how much you appreciate their concern, but you and your hubby need your privacy now and again.

I hope my ramblings helped in some way. I wish you much luck and happiness.

Hugsssssss
Jean

[breemarie]

You should not feel guilty about spending time with your husband in your own home. Your married now and your husband and your marriage should be your priority. I don't want to sound harsh or insensitive but that is how I feel about marriage and committed relationships. There has to be boundaries. I know how families can guilt you into doing things for them or being with them all the time. Its an unhealthy dependency. I myself don't like to be manipulated and made to feel guilty. It has happened to me but I learned how to start saying, no, I can't. I moved two states away from my Mom who was somewhat dependent on me. She was used to me being around all the time. But I moved to be with my BF who I consider my partner and we treat each other as such. I made him and our relationship a priority. He didn't do the same however. So I am on the opposite side of your dilemma. My BF's family is overly dependent on him and very disfunctional. I don't have much to do with them for reasons I won't get into. They have my BF feeling like he has to put them first and be at their beck and call all the time. And he does it because he feels guilty and responsible for them. This is an entire family, parents, siblings, neices, nephews. They do not consider my feelings at all. I may as well not even exist. I feel hurt that my BF puts them all first. I am babbling but this hits home so much for me. Think about your husband. The situation sounds different in that your husband seems to get along with them and doesn't mind, but still you should try to pull back some from them. A little at a time so it isn't shocking. That doesn't mean you can't see how they are or call and visit, just not all the time. I hope things work out for you and that you can stop feeling so guilty.

[tiodlliwi]

Thank you SO much! Your responses really did help calm me down. I don't know why but I am just really freaking out about this lately. Maybe because it's new for me, maybe because I'm just over anxious in general, etc. Part of it is, as I find myself growing up, I'm seeing my parents in a different light as well as myself. As they are getting older, I am finding them to be critical and judgemental (not neccessarily towards me but that's what I worry about the most) and it bothers me.

ALSO, I've learned that while I always have considered my family to be close, I am now realizing that we never TALK ABOUT ANYTHING- or anything substantial anyways. So partially, I guess I feel guilty about pulling away based on me hiding my problems (things my husband and I have gone through, my anxiety, financial problems, etc) because I worry about their judgement or "I told you so" attitude. Therefore, our weekly phone conversations are dreaded for me, and it makes me anxious to get together with them because I don't want to talk about anything too deep.

Basically, I want my space and privacy during this time of trying to find myself, love myself, forgive myself, work on my relationships, and just grow in general.

So, I will take your advice and try not to feel guilty about distancing myself a little, both physically and mentally. Even though all they really have is us "kids" and their grandkids and if we don't come for a weekend, it's just the two of them sitting around, watching movies, being lonely? Ok, there's the guilt again. I'm trying, though!!!

[sabby]

You are a kind soul who seems to want to take care of everyone and be everything to everybody. But!!! The most important person to take care of is YOURSELF If your parents sit around and watch tv all day and find themselves lonely, it is not your responsibility or job to make sure that doesn't happen. They have control over their own lives and can do what they want to do. If they decide not to put effort into finding new things to do or friends their own ages to associate with...it's not your fault!

You so deserve to have the time you need to work on yourself and your relationship with your husband. I commend you for wanting to do that. Finding the balance in life is not always an easy thing for any of us. At times we seem to be pulled in so many different directions and we loose our balance. Just remember that you deserve you!

I'm willing to be that when your parents see how responsible you are being, and how much happier you are when you can take care of your own issues, they will back down and relax a bit. At least I hope that's what will happen.

Hugsssssss
Jean

[Perna]

I'm in the same boat, only 56. I am the youngest and only girl with 3 older brothers.

How much does your mom call you? I would work on evening out contact so you contact her about as often as she does you? Let her initiate contact a bit and see where that goes; I think she'll tell you if she would like to hear from you more/less? That way you don't have to worry about her and can concentrate on you.

[tiodlliwi]

Never- they never really call us kids or initiate plans. So maybe it is in my head- BUT then they do make comments about no one calling them or stopping by. I guess that's sort of messed up if they are going to complain about something but feel that they can't make a call or invite us over. They expect us to be psychic and just "stop by". Ok, thanks again for all the help, I feel MUCH better.