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#1
May 17, 2014, 11:09 PM
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Not sure if this is the right place to put this.
My question is simple: How do I stop being an emotional nutcase? I have a very good male friend, we are extremely close friends. We do love each other, but have admitted that we are better off being friends for various reasons. Now I have accepted this fully...or so I thought. I guess somewhere in my stupid mind is a hope that one day we can be more. We will be having a normal conversation and he will say something unintentionally that will remind me that friends is all we are....and I lose it. I get very emotional, and when I do, I either cry or get angry and shut down. Now, he has accepted that friends is all we will ever be and he gets confused and hurt when I do this. He never knows what he has done wrong and of course, then I feel bad and guilty for hurting him, which just makes my mood worse. He has been extremely patient with these stupid moods of mine but I'm at my wits end with them. Last night, we were having a normal conversation and he said something about his ideal womans body (large breasts)....which is the exact opposite of mine. It felt like a knife through my heart and I was devastated. I took it as a personal insult, which I know he didn't mean anything by it, but it still hurt so much. It made me feel like I am not good enough. SO of course, I started a huge fight and the poor guy was so confused. All he did was share some info about himself as he normally would and I totally over reacted. I hate how I do this, but I don't know how to stop. I am such a bad friend and he has been so good to me, which makes me feel even more guilty and hate myself more. I don't like me, I know he would be much better off without me around, I am so worthless. I feel like such a loser. I hate me, I wouldn't want a friend like me. I want to stop this emotional rollercoaster and just enjoy being with him. I want to be as good a friend to him as he has been to me. |
 bluedolphin92, Rose76
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 IchbinkeinTeufel
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#2
May 17, 2014, 11:21 PM
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Well... there is a difference in how a man relates to a good female friend and how he relates to a woman who wants him. Which one are you to him?
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#3
May 17, 2014, 11:24 PM
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The first thing you need to do is STOP being so hard on yourself! You are not a bad friend, not at all. And you are not a nutcase, not even a little. It's quite plain to see, you care for this guy, as more than a friend, but you're trying to only feel as a FRIEND would feel. Well, you can't. It hurts when he talks about his ideal woman because you don't want to hear how he feels about another woman if it's not you. That's normal! You may have to face the fact that you two cannot be friends. Personally, I would find it impossible to be friends with a guy I had more than friends feelings for. Ease up on yourself. If he's confused by your behavior, it's time to be honest. Explain that you like him as more than friends and that you get jealous, even when you wish you didn't.
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| trying2survive
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#4
May 17, 2014, 11:25 PM
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@ Maria116 Sorry for being dumb, but what do you mean?
@ TrueMe - The thing is I don't think I am being hard on myself. This man is my best friend and I am supposed to be his, but I am acting like a b**ch and not being fair to him. He almost knows me better than I know myself. I am acting like a drama queen and that is definitely not normal for me. My behavior hurts him and it hurts me. I am afraid that this will come to a stage where he is fed up and he can't take any more....and I will only have myself to blame. We do spend hours every day together, and I suppose in some ways, what we have is a relationship without the relationship part. The blame is all mine here, he will say something innocent and I will read more into it and think there is a chance, next time he will say something else, and I'll realise that I've been kidding myself. If it was any one else saying these things, I wouldn't think twice about them...it's just normal conversation. I love him, yes, more than I should, but when I'm with him, I don't really see him in a sexual way...although I am attracted to him. I don't know if that makes sense. I also love him dearly as a friend and I would like to keep our friendship. If it's not already too late. Last edited by Aiyana; May 18, 2014 at 02:15 AM. |
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#5
May 18, 2014, 05:18 AM
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Tough to be a man's best friend if you're in love with him, which it sounds like you are.
If I were you, I would create a little distance between him and you for the time being. The relationship is hurting you, and the longer you stay in this limbo, the more you're going to behave this way, until one day you do or say something that makes the situation irreparable. There's no law saying you have to spend several hours a day with him. I would fill up my life with other friends right now, and maybe get out there and go on a few dates with different people. This guy doesn't appear to be interested in you the way you are in him, which means he's wrong for you. Time you waste on the wrong guy is time you could be out there finding the right one. |
| healingme4me, trying2survive
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#6
May 18, 2014, 05:18 AM
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You're not being an emotional nut case.
You're just in an impossible situation. You love him. He doesn't love you. You're holding out hope for the impossible. Of course this is going to hurt and it's going to keep hurting while ever you keep him around and continue to feed your hope. The only answer is distance. While ever you're being all close and fuzzy you aren't going to be able to move on. You don't need to shut down the friendship completely but you do need to find other people to spend time with. If he is as understanding as you say he is I'm sure he would understand if you explained to him that you need some space. |
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#7
May 18, 2014, 11:32 AM
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I agree with the posters above that keeping away from him for a while will help you get over him. Losing your best friend, even if it is only temporary, sucks, but giving yourself time apart to get over him may help preserve the friendship.
It sounds like he is unaware that you still want him as more than a friend? What about bringing it up again? |
| trying2survive
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#8
May 18, 2014, 11:43 AM
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Just my 2 cents, but it seems to me that your best male friend should ALSO be your mate. I couldn't have a best male friend and a husband, not many husbands would agree with that scenario, just like you wouldn't want your husband to have a best female friend, right? In any case, hugs and good luck.
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| trying2survive
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#9
May 18, 2014, 11:47 AM
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It is soooooo hard to be friends with someone you love. I tried it. My lover was so close to me. He was really the best friend I ever had! He knew me like no other and I knew and understood him as well. He wanted to have other relationships but wanted to keep our friendship... I tried for almost 2 yrs...I was the emotional nut case. It hurt toooo much. He would wonder why I was getting mad...I told him it comes from a place of love and loss.. I could not handle it.
Another year goes by. We do talk now and then..but amazingly the hurt is gone...and I also no longer see the man I fell in love with the same way. We were together for almost 7 years. I loved that relationship and we both grew from it. We taught each other many things. I have no regrets and will always love what we had. Good luck with your decisions, Aiyana...the brain and heart are not always on the same page.
__________________
“A person is also mentally weak by the quantity of time he spends to sneak peek into others lives to devalue and degrade the quality of his own life.” Anuj Somany “Psychotherapy works by going deep into the brain and its neurons and changing their structure by turning on the right genes. The talking cure works by "talking to neurons," and that an effective psychotherapist or psychoanalyst is a "microsurgeon of the mind" who helps patients make needed alterations in neuronal networks.” Norman Doidge |
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#10
May 18, 2014, 11:48 AM
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BTDT....
Stepping away, is best thing. Doesn't make you an emotional nutcase. Ideal breasts, to wait until you are left hearing all about his sex life, hopefully within reason. Holding hope, because best friends make best relationships, right? He doesn't have to discuss ideal women. It's, emotionally, where you are at, like being second fiddle, other woman type ... It's really nothing you can switch off a.lightbulb in your heart and head. It's catch 22. So, what are his reasons that it can't be you and him? Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2 |
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#11
May 18, 2014, 08:03 PM
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Quote:
you guys are together all the time..maybe you guys could just try it..IMHO your bf/gf should be your best friend anyways...so......let him know the truth and hope for the best, either way you will feel better
__________________
I have learned that i and i alone am responsible for my happiness, most people these days are as reliable as wet toilet paper!  
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| IchbinkeinTeufel
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#12
May 19, 2014, 07:34 AM
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Awww bless. You're not a bad friend or person or whatever. Sounds like a perfectly normal, human thing to feel! I'm fairly sure that comment would also hurt me, if I had boobies. xD No idea what to suggest, ... if it were me, I'd keep my distance, so I could let go. It's not gonna be healthy for you to have all these feelings for him and nothing you can do about it. Although, ...you could try to focus on someone else. Has helped me in the past, ... even if it wasn't overly real, it helped to subdue the real feelings. (totally not saying you should string some poor guy along) If it's any consolation, big boobs are overrated. haha
Quote:
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{ Kein Teufel }
Translation: Not a devil [ `id -u` -eq 0 ] || exit 1 |
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#13
May 20, 2014, 07:31 PM
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Thank you all. We had a good talk...not really sure anything was sorted out. He did say he doesn't want to take the chance of ruining our friendship by starting a relationship. I can understand that, because that is one of my fears too.
I told him I needed some space and he was upset but respected that. I have no other friends, so, now I'm alone again, with only hobbies and my dog to fill my time. |
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#14
May 20, 2014, 10:34 PM
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I'm not sure it's really even possible to enjoy being close friends with someone, when deep down you really wish it could be more than that. I think you may be putting yourself in an impossible situation by spending a lot of time alone with him. I think that what you are asking of yourself is beyond what humans are capable of. It's nice that you two care for each other and value the bond you have. I'm not suggesting you just throw that away. I am suggesting that you detach more from him. The only way I know of doing that would be for you to not be alone with him very often.
You are keeping up a level of emotional interaction with him that really does not fit with who you are to each other. This is just asking to stay in constant emotional turmoil. What you are doing to yourself isn't fair to you. He, apparently, doesn't realize the pain you are experiencing. It might be best to let him know that you are there for him, but that you have to move on toward finding the love that you crave. You won't really give any other man an honest chance, while you are nursing this devotion to someone who you see as unattainable. Also, you'll resent his finding someone special, which isn't fair, if you accept that it's not going to be you. You need to let go and stop torturing yourself. You need to put some distance between you. If he is caring friend, he will understand. Being "extremely close" with him is really not appropriate. It's not healthy, and you won't be able to make it work, as you are trying to do. I'm sorry for the pain you feel. It's not because you are a nutcase. It's because you are in a position that is wrong for you. |
| brainhi
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