Long Distance Open Relationship

I've been in a long distance relationship for the past year. We are madly in love & visit each other every 3 weeks or so. We are 500 miles (2 states) from each other. I have never had a man treat me so well & the chemistry & love between us is the best we've both ever felt. I've been married once & he's going through his 2nd divorce. We are both in our late 30's.

Here's the situation; he hasn't had much dating experience because he got married very young & only about a year after his divorce, he got involved with his 2nd wife. At that point he had 3 sexual partners & felt like he had missed out on the casual fun that a lot of men get to have before settling down. He cheated on his 2nd wife several times & lied with tremendous regret. We actually met while he was still with her. 3 months into our relationship, he ended his marriage & told me he wanted us to pursue a relationship. We make plans all the time & he has never not done something he's said he would do. I've never not been able to trust him or believe in him. Due to his feelings of being inexperienced or missing out, we agreed to be in an open relationship. He wants to be able to have casual noncommittal sex with random people since we are so far apart. I've asked him if he'd still "need" to do this if we were actually together & he's said, "no", because he'd be sexually fulfilled just by me. Due to the distance, he says he needs more sex than once every 3 weeks.

So, since September of last year, he's hooked up with a few women he met online on those casual sex sites. He spends a lot of time going out to bars & clubs & tries to pick up women, but has never had any luck. He has only scored by online meets. He recently gave up his online membership because he said it was full of flakes & a hassle.

Anyway, as much as I believe he loves me & only wants to "date" me, lately I've been feeling very jealous & insecure. I'm to the point where I don't want him to have casual sex outside of our relationship. We've discussed doing this as a couple & I'm all for it, but the idea of him doing it alone & so far away is starting to bother me. Most women don't want to jump into bed with strange men & it takes work to get them there. The fact that he may need to "work" to get them to sleep with him really bothers me. I don't want him doing any real dating or spending any real time with other women, but he says that's the only way to get the sex. He says he honestly feels a "need" for this casual sex, but personally, I think it's very adolescent for a 38 year old man to feel the need to do this. Now, I know what most of you are going to say..."He cheated & lied to his wife so, why would he be any different with you?" I get it, but I don't believe, 'once a cheater always a cheater'. People can change & I refuse to be so closed minded. I also believe that monogamy is not for everyone even when committed & in love. Biologically, people are not built that way. Monogamy is a concept, not an innate thing. My problem is jealousy & insecurity due to our distance. I'm not ready to give up on this relationship because it is a love unlike either of us have ever experienced. I feel it would be a mistake to simply give up.

Does anyone here have any experience with this?? We both see a future in our relationship & I hate this jealousy feeling. I know there are plenty of "open" couples who make it work. We do have rules & boundaries, but the distance between us is making me insecure.

Any thoughts or personal experiences are appreciated.

That type of relationship would not be for me tulip ... I suppose my idea of a committed relationship is one where I feel secure in my place with my significant other. I have been married for 33 years to the same man!

That said, keep talking about it and working your way through the issues and your answers will come. That I know for sure!

In your stating that it's very adolescent is somewhat accurate but says nothing to the idea that what it is, is a need to be promiscuous and that's not something "natural" in any way. If a man loves a woman, the need to have sex with other women should not even be on their mind.

Red flag #1. he's already cheated on someone. So you know he's capable of doing so.

Red flag #2. He admits to wanting to have casual sex while saying he loves you.

This to me just is saying he is the type of man that wants to have his cake and eat it too. he wants to keep you as a so called lover but wants to play around in the field. There is no reason for you to think that this will ever end.

He shows signs of being an adulterous male. Do you really want to continue when he feels the need to find sexual satisfaction from women other than you?

As a 46 yr old male, I personally have no need to have sex with anyone to the point of needing it casually. I personally find it strange to want to have intimate relations with a female that I'm not involved with on a deeper level... I must be in a relationship first. Once in a relationship I have no need or desire to have sex with other women and this is not due to my age, I never did at any age feel the need for 'casual sex". That says more about character than it does about his age, maturity or even gender. Men don't all "need" to have sex with multiple women because they are male. that's just bullsh*

I would have to disagree with this as it is a very narrow point of view. There are many types of relationships out there that are successful but not traditional and what works for me won't work for him and won't work for her. Open relationships and exclusive relationships can both be successful as long as both participants are open and honest about what they want. Heck 10 years ago online dating was dubbed as weird.

You said he got involved with 2 marriages very early in his life so he never had time to date. This is something that everyone needs to experience - The thrill of new encounters, new personalities, not knowing what the next date will bring. Sewing your wild oats I believe is the expression. Also some people just are not inclined to be monogamous. Its just the way they are wired. You can't paint everyone with the same brush and the refusal to accept that there are people out there who's view of relationships are outside what is considered normal is one of the things that contributes to higher divorce rate.

People are realizing that they want to be happy but also that their idea of happy may not conform to everyone else's. This is important because in order to make someone happy you need to be happy yourself.

With that said if he is not done experiencing life and you give him an ultimatum then it could lead to another failed relationship for him and you. My advice would be to wait it out if you think he is worth it. If not then better to move on and look for happiness elsewhere. WHatever the decision then a talk with him would be a good idea so that you are both on the same page.

You're entitled to your perspective.

But as for her waiting it out, I don't think that will do anything but make her become resentful and insecure. She's already voicing that she's not happy with the fact that he has other partners even though she agreed to it at first. I don't think he's going to change. She seems to want an exclusive partner and She can correct me if I'm wrong, but I honestly don't think she'll find that in him.

First, yes some peoples idea of finding happiness may not conform to others........but if I read her post correctly, his idea at this time is NOT conforming to hers, even tho she attempted to 'go there' because he wanted it. I don't think anywhere in her post did she say SHE was the one who initiated this need to experiment with casual sex.

And secondly, if giving him an ultimatum may cause 'another failed relationship'....maybe that is exactly what needs to happen BEFORE they get married.

I'm with S4ndm4n....if he still needs to have casual sex (in his late 30's) to make up for what he felt he lost when he was younger....besides it being unconscionable health wise (and really??? do we ALL believe he's using 'safe sex' every time?), it is also eating at her self-esteem and making it quite obvious that he is not mature enough for a committed relationship. Whether he is 2 states away, or 2 minutes away.

My opinion, for what it's worth...she should get a little perspective on where this relationship is logically going, and if it is NOT something she is comfortable with now...it will NOT be something she is comfortable with later. If that's the conclusion...she needs to move on...as painful as that is, it will not be less painful later.

Like I said, I don't believe, once a cheater always a cheater. Also, it is not unnatural to want to have sex with other people while being committed. Wanting to doesn't automatically mean acting on it. Human beings are not built to be monogamous. This is a scientific fact. We are meant to spread our seed...literally. (Read the book Sex at Dawn). A man or a woman could be committed to the most beautiful person in the world & still find others sexually appealing. Again, that does not mean a person will automatically act on it. We all have a choice when it comes cheating.

I did give him permission to have casual sex outside of our relationship & he has given me that option too. I haven't done it, but with a single phone call, I could. I simply haven't had the desire.

The problem I'm having is the distance & feeling 'out of the loop' so to speak. I need to know how to deal with my jealousy & own personal insecurity.


I definitely would not give him an ultimatum. They never work in the end. Thank you for your thoughts & advice. I greatly appreciate it.

Who said anything about marriage?? That's the last thing either of us are thinking about. It is possible to be committed & life partners without a signed contract.

For you to say, "do we all believe he's using safe sex every time?" is extremely judgemental. In this day & age if you're not safe, you're crazy. Just because people have casual sex does not mean they're irresponsible. How can you make such a horrible assumption??

[redacted]

Tulip, you obviously misunderstand me. I am not being judgmental...and to suggest that he or ANYONE having casual sex uses 'safe sex' every time is naive. Nevertheless, if you are happy with him and this situation, and are only concerned about the distance..(and THAT'S causing your jealousy??? hmm ok) ...perhaps one of you could move to the other.

Peace.

You know what? I have been giving the same conundrum some thought. Is it better to be with someone we love and allow them to have sex with other people or force them to lie to us? Is it asking too much for someone to be monogamous? I am wondering about this same thing. Seriously, I never understood polygamy before, then I read this book about a teenage boy from Sudan and he explained it in such a way that had me wondering if I am missing out on having a relationship that is open and involves other people...I do wonder how to get over the jealously thing, though. This is a difficult space you find yourself in. Keep my mind open and in a place of yes before ending things.

BAM! And that's what we folks call monogamy

If you want to carry on convincing yourself that you're completely ok with this arrangement, that is your prerogative and you certainly have no judgement from me, just know that I was in similar shoes a few years ago and the jealousy and insecurity only cleared up once I knew for sure he was mine and only mine.

I feel for you, I have no idea how to cope with this except for fake it till you make it.

That seemed fairly judgmental to me lol. Some people don't get jealous when it comes to sex and you will never know if you are that type of person until you are in that situation.

Not sure I see judgement in the post at all. Just stating the fact that in their own experience it was as she said.

I don't think it's judgmental at all, either (agreeing with s4ndm4an..again) but to address the possible jealousy, is she or isn't she suggestion above, with all due respect, I thought, for the MOST part, that's what this thread was about. Her jealousy and insecurities regarding this situation.

Either we're all chasing a tail that keeps disappearing around a corner, or tulip isn't sure WHY she started this thread at all.

Btw...that's NOT 'judgmental' talking....that's 'total confusion' talking.

Nevertheless, I hope she finds her way...

purpletulip, perhaps i can help...i have quite a bit of experience in a lot of different relationships & scenarios so hopefully i can be of assistance.

first i see you guys are only 500 miles apart..that is a trip that can be made by car in a day...i live in Ohio and i used to drive to Nebraska (900) miles and i could do it in a day.

ASSUMING( because, obviously i don't know you guys transportation situation) you both have cars, you could make alternating trips once a week.
this would alleviate the sex once every three weeks...i can see how that would be problematic.

i have had an open relationship before..years ago..and it worked for the both of us quite well, the key is we were both seeing other people..but when we got together it was all about each other and we made no mention of our other escapades we kept it light and fun..no jealousy.

in order for an open relationship to work..it has to be something you BOTH agree on and are OK with..i get the impression you are not...or you wouldn't be jealous. so this may not be for you. and that's ok, it's not for everyone.

keep in mind you signed up for this...it may not be something you can handle,
may i ask why you guys haven't made arrangements to move together? might not be a bad idea.

every persons' sexual needs are different..i don't believe that age has any bearing on that( at least not at 38) and he is making a point of getting his needs met & he is not wrong for that, but what you want to do is take everything in context & ask yourself if you are truly ok with this arrangement.

if he has some "wild oat sowing to do" better that he get it done and out of the way before things get serious for you guys IMHO, because you wouldn't want to be on the other end of that as a married couple i imagine.

it seems like he has been very open and honest with you about this and that is a very good sign...it seems like you both are mature adults and i imagine you should be able to voice your concerns without condemnation..talk to him, tell him how you feel & i believe you guys can fix this, it's not a hard issue to resolve.

personally i think it is a very bad idea to get married young for exactly the reasons stated above..it is good to experience other people, it helps you discover yourself and what you like and don't like. some partners object to certain things others do not & everyone is different. perhaps he is realizing this and acting it out through these other people.

regardless of his reasoning, i still believe you guys can be ok..work on seeing each other more often & discover what it is this man truly wants and if it is something you want to deal with.

i hope this helps and good luck!

Well then obviously you and I (and others on this thread it would seem) have very differing views on the term judgmental...

I wasn't judging her choices, (I even mentioned I made the same one a few years ago) nor was I judging her emotional reaction, I simply stated (from my own experience) what I percieved the root to be. i.e, convincing ourselves we're ok with a certain arrangement, when our actions scream otherwise.

Truth is, if someone is really and honestly perfectly ok with their partner having multiple partners, then it would be a non issue, because there's no reason to feel jealous or insecure. I personally know 2 men with multiple wives and as far as I know, the wives live in harmony and don't have issues of jealousy or insecurity surrounding eachother... The one guy, his 2 wives are actually best friends, and the first wife recommended the second to her hubby.

But just because some of us are ok with the idea of it, because we're open minded, (as discussed, not everyone is naturally monogamous) doesn't mean you're ok with personally living the reality of it...

If you or the OP finds that judgy, well then so be it, I've said my peace and clarified incase I was somehow unclear in my writing.

I understood what you've said and I dont' think it was judgemental.

*hugs*

Thank you for the replies. So many opinions here to process & info to think about I don't know how to respond. I'll return soon to reply more in depth.

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