[Peet]

I found out this morning that my defacto husband has been cheating on me for the past 4 months.

This is not the first time. He cheated on me once before about 5 years ago. He begged for me not to leave him, we had counselling etc, and I thought everything was back ontrack.

Now this bombshell! I'd actually been suspicious because he'd been "working back" quite a lot, and "going for drives" etc. Then, his visa statement came in, and I saw a florist was mentioned on it. I hadn't received any flowers lately, so knew they weren't for me.

Then, this morning, he left his mobile phone on. And normally, I try and resist the urge to go through his phone, invasion of privacy and all that, but, because of the statement, I just HAD to know.

I noticed he'd called the same girl several times just yesterday. Suddenly I felt sick and felt like we hadn't gotten anywhere in the past 5 years.

I kept quiet about it while i drove him to work, but then the depression set in, and when he called me later just for a chat, I decided to call his bluff and tell him that I knew he was cheating on me and that I'd called her. At first he attempted to deny it (just like he did the previous time) but I kept firm and told him that if he had ANY love for me, and any shred of dignity, to PLEASE be honest with me. This worked and he confessed.

She's a recently divorced woman who apparently knows all about me! That hurts even more because it means two people were involved in the deception. I'd much rather it if the girl was innocent as well.

Anyway, he's doing the guilt trip on me. I ask him how what he will do about the rent etc when I leave, and he tells me he doesn't know. He's begging me not to go, without actually saying a word. It's so hard to remain strong.

I know for a fact that if I stayed with him now, I'd never trust him again. Every time he left the house I'd wonder... whenever he was on the phone I'd wonder...

I believe him when he tells me he loves me. But it's obviously not enough for him. I just can't understand why he can't just keep it in his pants! What more could i possibly do for him to make him NOT stray??? I cook, clean, get his clothes ready for work, drive him too and from work, pay the rent, pay the bills, feed the animals... you catch my drift. I'm not a glamour, but I'm attractive... I'm just completely lost!

[CamW]

Peet - I don't blame you for feeling dreadful. You've been betrayed ..... again! He says he loves you, yet he sneaks around, choosing a woman who is potentially in a vulnerable state (ie. recently divorced). Well, he seems to know which ladies to go after. You have to hand it to him, he knows how to troll for women.

I just wonder how many more there were (or are). Since he lied to you when you had proof, why wouldn't he lie (or perhaps, fail to mention) to you any other "dalliances". Perhaps he just forgot about any others.

I'm sorry for being tough on him. I just don't get it. Didn't he consider what he could possibly be bringing home to you? The are a number of nasty bacteria and viruses exchanged by "the best of people". How could he say he loves you after doing something like that .... twice! .... (at least). It sounds more like he is saying, <font color=red>"I don't want you to leave because I am selfish. I want you to stay because you are stable and dependable and I can rely on you to maintain my lifestyle, so that I look more appealing (ie.deceivingly; as more wealthy) to my prospective sex partners Besides, if you left, who could I fall back on when my other conquests aren't available?"</font color=red>

I am a guy, and I don't believe him when he says that he loves you (even though I do not know him or you). I have seen a lot of guys and gals cheat behind their spouse's back. I do not understand it. I find it hard enough to please someone I love and adore (my wife), than to have the energy to actively (or even passively) seek outside attentions. Maybe it is just me, but the guilt and shame of keeping this kind of secret would tear me apart.

Maybe it is because I respect my spouse, and I truly believe that she respects me, that I feel no need to have my ego stroked in such a way. Besides, it takes a fair bit of time to train a new partner to know what you like. Why would anyone want to go through that hassle, again?

Then again, if he lost you he'd be hard-pressed to find another maid/valet who will pay him, while allowing him to potentially infect her with an incurable disease of one kind or another. This is probably what he is afraid of losing. This is so selfish on his part; obviously he does he not care about your feelings.

I may be totally wrong about your relationship. God knows, I am a guy; and in growing up and learning about relationships, I was always the last to know that it was in trouble. Hell, I didn't even realize (care?) that women had feelings until I was 25. I am 41 now, and have been married for almost 14 years. I have had opportunities to stray, but in none of these "opportunities" were benefits of a falsely inflated ego and a (probable) quick orgasm ever more than the emotional harm that I would cause my wife and myself. I don't think that I am being so much "holier than thou", than that I am too lazy to want the hassle of sneaking around.

My opinion, for what it's worth - Cam


<font color=orange>"Sometimes you may be shown the light in the strangest of places, if you look at it right"
- Robert Hunter</font color=orange>

[Peet]

Thanks! Everything you said really made sense and kind of opened my eyes a little more.

It gave me a bit more strength to make sure I follow through with what I have to do. It's really good to get a males perspective as well.

I can't help caring for him, and all I hope is that he realises his selfishness and smartens himself up, or else he's going to die a very lonely old man.

Once again, thank you. I only hope that once I stop hurting, and start considering another relationship, that I find one in the same league as yours.

Cheers.

[openurheart2me]

Hey Peet! I'm sorry to hear about what your husband has put you through. I can imagine all of the emotions you're experiencing, even months after the whole ordeal. And I can only hope and pray for you that you will find the strength and courage to cope with everything and concentrate on your own happiness. I know it's difficult making those first steps into your future, especially if you're doing it alone, but you must trust that there is something out there which suits your needs better. Trust in God, for he doesn't give us anything we can't handle. I'm honestly not a very religious person, but after being cheated on in every one of my relationships, it seemed like spirituality was all I had and all that I could count on. You see, I too, am currently experiencing what you had to a few months ago. Although I wasn't married, I was involved with a man who cheated on me with a girl who knew all about me too. They laughed about it all and made plans behind my back. They even went on trips together even though he told me we had no money to take any vacations. I also remember that sick feeling you talked about, because I had the same knots in my stomach every time I learned about my mate deceiving me. I admire your courage to move on with your life. That's something I never had, for I allowed my man to continue to walk all over me. But I hope that you realize what your husband did to you is NOT your fault. You were all the woman any man could have asked for, and one day he'll regret his mistakes, if he doesn't already. Hang in there Peet! You owe it to yourself!

[DocJohn]

Hi Peet,

I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through... I had a similar thing happen to me recently, so I know exactly how hard it is to deal with.

I think it's important to be strong, to stick to your guns, and remember that anyone that can do something like this to you, not once but twice!, isn't worth it. I know you care deeply for this man and that you two have shared much together. But you also deserve decency, respect, and trust. And it's obvious he's got issues with those kinds of basic relationship things. It's likely no amount of therapy can solve something that becomes a pattern like this.

Hang in there!
John

[rainbow]

Hi Peet, You have gotten some excellent advise here. Nothing is easy in life and when it comes to things of the heart it is even more painful. I am sorry to hear what you are going through. May only advice is to try and take it one day at a time and try not to think too much about what lies ahead. It will all work out one way or another. Think of it this way, you are in a boat out in the high seas with a storm raging. You are holding on for dear life. Eventually however the storm will pass and there will be calm seas again. Just keep holding on.
Love, Rainbow

[Rev_Charles]

Betrayal is one of the worst sins a person can do to their spouse and one of the hardest to overcome.

It was very courageous for you to give him a second chance. It is his problem that he did not take advantage of this opportunity. You should have no remorse in your decision.

Stay strong and God bless you!

[darkeyes]

Rev Charles,
I agree with you, my husband and I will be married 25 yrs in 2003, I found him out in Oct 1999 had to go through therapy, almost killed myslelf, meds., etc. finally made amends, but yes it is the HARDEST thing to overcome, it is 2 years and I still do not trust him 100 %, but I am working at it, if after all this and if I EVER find it happens again then I am walking cause my heart can NOT take being lied to again, don't give up there must be some good souls out there.
"darkeyes"