I need some advice..........

Hi Everyone,

Well, I guess I should give you a run down of my past history before I ask your advice on my current situation.

I have had alot to deal with in the past when it comes to my oldest son. My ex-husbands family has made it hard for me to be a mother to him. For years, when my son was smaller, my ex-mother-in-law made it very hard for me to hang on to him because she wanted to be the one who raised him. From the very begining she made it known that she thought I couldn't do a good enough job. She turned my son against me telling him lies like "I was the one that had to come over on my lunch break and change your diaper because your mom wouldn't do it" and "Your mother doesn't love you". She had started telling him these lies when he was 4 & 5 years old. I didn't know at the time why he wouldn't let me mother him, why he wanted nothing to do with me. My son didn't tell me until he was 11 and the damage had already been done between him and I. I was SOOOO very angry with her all those years because I knew, by the way she spoke to me, that she wanted my son for her own. She lost her middle child to a self inflicted gun shot incadent at about the same time as I was having to make the choice to let my son go and live with his father because he wanted to and there was no changing his mind. My son was only 5 at the time but after trying counceling and everything else I could think of, I had to let him go. I kept full custody but he lived with his father. Well, all those years I was angry with my-ex-mother-in-law but I also respected her and loved her. She was my mother-in-law and I felt that bond. I was a young mother and she was a very strong woman who got her way, what ever it took. Now, years later, we have mended our relationship. We both loved my son more than anything and to me that is all that matters now. Thank God we did because two weeks ago she passed away.

Well, I'm the kind of person to ALWAYS forgive and forget. The kind of person who trys really hard to be the better person and not stoop to where others are when they try and hurt me. I REALLY don't believe in revenge because I think that you're only hurting yourself when you take revenge on someone else. I've always tried really hard to take the high road and love everyone regardless of who they are or what they try to do to me. That said, I'm feeling something very different right now for a couple of new family members my son has on his fathers side. My sons grandpa has remarried as of a year ago. His new wife and her daughter are, BY FAR, the worse people I've EVER met!! I'm not exagerating either. My son ran away from his fathers house last year and wouldn't go back so his grandfather convinced him to move in with them until he felt he could go back to his fathers. At the time I was 242 miles away trying to get into school to become a vet. teck.(never made it into school, tho, I got my butt home because of this and other situations) He lived with grandfather & new wife for about 4 weeks. Durring this time his grandpas new wife would not allow me to talk to my son or see him. One night, while I was still away, my son wanted to talk to me and see me. I was talking to him on the phone and trying to set up a time to come and get him for a weekend when his grandpas new wife ripped the phone out of his hands and hung up on me. To say the least, my son was SO upset with her by this time. For me.........Well, I'd had enough!!! There had been other incadences before that with "THAT WOMAN" and this took the cake!! I don't really know this woman or her meddling daughter(other incedenses with her also concerning my son and I. Alot of things that would take to much time to explain). They don't know me or my relatiionship with my son so I don't think they have ANY RIGHT to say and do these things to turn my son against me. I mean, who ever told them it was ok to come in between a mother and her child!!

My question to you all is, is it wrong for me to hold on to my anger and not forgive and love anyway like I've always done in the past. I feel as though if I were to see these women anywhere and they were to come and try to get in my face, I would KNOCK THEIR HEADS OFF!! I am normally not a violent person. I have always believed that if you can walk away and be the bigger person then thats the way to go. With them.............I DO NOT FEEL THIS WAY. My ex-husband and I have always worked together in raising our son. We have always included each other in everything. It has always been other family members that have tried to butt in. What bothers my current husband is that I feel good about holding on to my anger and agression with these women. THERE IS NO WAY I WILL ALLOW ANY OTHER WOMAN COME IN BETWEEN MY SON AND I EVER AGAIN. Is it wrong for me to hold such anger?

Sorry so long but that was only a glimps as to what I've had to deal with lately with these women.

I'd be thankful for your advice.
Love,
Wendy

Hello WendyE... I don't know if we chatted or not but that's not you, it's me not remembering.

Wow so sorry for all your heartache. It is refreshing to hear that your son wishes to have a relationship with you.

As for the anger, well, IMHO it never does US any good to hold onto anger. It often causes us to act like the very ppl we are angry at! Try and NOT GIVE HER PERMISSION to make you angry. Try and rise above the family's tricks... it isn't easy.. ppl like this I call Looters and they are experts at making others feel guilty for behaving correctly.

While the anger won't do you any real good, remembering their tricks and hateful actions will. No one has to give another any forgiveness ever. First of all, forgiveness requires their admitting wrong, and asking for forgiveness. If you forget, then you only set yourself up to be abused again... and God doesn't ask that of us.

Others might tell you to forgive is only Christian, but IMHO, there's much more to it. If you feel it's in your best interest to forgive, do so, but there's NOTHING that requires you to continue having any contact with these looters!!!

Work at helping your son understand this also... bad things happen, ppl can be hateful and harmful... and how to treat each other as you develop a good relationship of trust and love. Good wishes.

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

Wendy,

Ouch! These people do sound like a real pill. I would absolutely advocate forgiveness, as at that point you reduce them from being total [censored] into the pathetic, needy people they are.

I don't believe that forgiveness requires that they apologize and admit they've done wrong. Most people never will - why hold yourself back from the way you want to feel on the slim chance that they might be the well-behaved, contrite human beings that they should be?

This is NOT to say that you must accept their behavior, or condone it. You just don't have to harbor that bitter, angry grudge against them that makes YOU feel terrible - it certainly doesn't have an effect on them.

How you feel about the situation depends solely on how you handle it. Your son obviously wants a relationship with you, and you with him, so as a matter of fact, they're nearly irrelevant. I'm afraid that this is one of those situations where you have to be very high above them. And if there is one thing that people like that can't stand, it's failing to get a reaction out of the people they're trying to annoy/frustrate/harass, etc. Forgive them - and disarm them. They're only winning while you react as you do.

some of it's magic
some of it's tragic
but i had a good life all the way......
~jimmy buffett

Thank you for reply to my post. No, I don't think I've met you. I'ts nice to meet you.

The problem is, I am enjoying this agression that I'm feeling about these women. I don't want to give it up and this is not like me. They have messed with me and my kid and I'm not going to let that happen again. I want to stay pissed. I have seen these women out and about at family things(the funeral, in court because of the problems my son is having) Everytime I've seen them they have glared at me big time!!! I'm not going to take this crap anymore, is how I feel. They are very terrible and I feel like they have interfeared where they SHOULDN'T have. They had no right!! I've never been a violent person and I'm alot smaller then them but if they get in my face..............they won't know what even hit them!!!! I am so pissed off at this point and I want to stay this way but since I've never felt this way...........is it right? Part of me hopes that they will get in my face at one point or another so they'll be sorry for what they've done, so I can show them they CAN'T mess with ME. You don't come in between a mother and her child or you'll regret is, is how I feel about them. SIGH Maybe, when I was 242 miles away and I couldn't do anything that one night that they both attacted me on the phone, maybe that's why I feel like I want to BEAT it into their heads(literally) so they will understand I'm not going to take this crap!! But then, maybe I want to take my agression out on them and it's my agression from years gone by that I haven't been able to stick up for myself when it came to my son. At this point I could care less because it's them that I would love to put in thier place. I'm soooooo fricking angry about the fact that they thought it was ok to do that to someone else when they would never EVER had allowed anyone to do that to them!! I think I'm just going to hold on to this anger for a while and use it if I need it. I'd love to be able to use it on them. Boy, this isn't me, ya know? oh well.

Thanks for your suport. I don't know if I explained myself good enough in my post but I think I might have now. If you NOW have any suggesion I would still be thankful.

Love,
Wendy

Hi Anna,

Thank you for replying. I feel the same way you and skyBdark feel about not letting others get to you and bring you down to their level. I have felt this way most of my life and learned to feel this way early on when I was picked on in school. I felt it wasn't fair for others to make us feel less of a person but at the same time I learned through God that I didn't have to be like them. That said, I'm not feeling that way now about these women. When my son was in court the first time for being a runaway and because of theft charges, they both were there and tryed to make me seem like I hadn't been a part of my sons life at all!! They said that he shouldn't be allowed to be with me!!! Let me explain. I have been married to my current husband for almost 12 years but last year I had somewhat of a break down. I left him and moved 242 miles away because if I was going to be on my own then I needed an education to be able to support myself and my children.(that was the closest place to us that had a vet. teck. program) After being away for about 6 months I had done alot of thinking and I learned that the reason I had left was not that I was running from my husband but I was running TO find myself. I have never worked, I've only ever been just a house wife and mom. I am now back home with my husband and children, thank God. The Lord has gotten me through alot. Back to what I was saying about these women, tho. They made it seem as tho I was never there for my children!! Which is SOOOOOOOO not true!!! I have always been such a BIG part of my childrens life!!! They haven't been around all these years to know WHAT has been going on anyway!! I've been a stay at home mom so that I COULD be involved with everything that has been going on with my kids!! GGggrrrrrr!! I've been lucky to have been blessed with the fathers of my children that I was blessed with. They both took care of my children while I was trying to get myself into a stable place, being that far away, so we could again share our children. SIGH Just like anyone elses life I'll say this is a long story. Well, these women came in and had no idea what was going on or what had gone on all these years. I'm just not going to put up with their crap!!! They are mean and spiteful people. You'd think they would want to know more of the past before they dove into what THEY thought was right. But.....NO!! That's not how they work. So, since that's not how they work then they will have me in their face telling them to back off or they WILL regret it!!!

I hope you don't regret replying to my post. I'm not normally like this. It just seems like I can't help it with "THESE WOMEN", ya know?

If you "now" have any advice I would be thankful.

Love,
Wendy

At this point...can't you just grab your son and get the h-ll of dodge? Why deal with them at all? Forgiveness is overated.

Oh my goodness, Thelema................You have got me laughing soooooo hard!!!! I wish I could sometimes. I need to deal with everyone tho. My boys need everyone who loves them in their life. I would really love to just go over to these two womens houses and just fricking blast them with everything I feel they have done wrong. I would love that!!! HA HA

Thanks for replying to my post. I ABSOLUTELY loved what you said!!!

I love my boys SSSOOOOOO much and I don't want to see them hurt EVER. What these women don't understand is that when they do this to people, they hurt them. My son was soooooo hurt by not being able to contact me. And when he did, his so called NEW grandmother tried to come in between his mother and him. He's old enough now to understand and complain so he told her where to go when she tried to block him from talking to me.(Not cusing or anything. My kids know better than that)

Thanks so much for you support. Lately, I feel like I really need it.

Love,
Wendy

Well I certainly understand being angry! And perhaps you do need to hold on to it a bit longer, as it might help you feel safer in that while you remember what they have done, they will not "get away with it again" at least for now.

I do question if staying around them for your son's needing the love of ppl... hmmm not sure I'm following you here, since it doesn't really sound like a good, nurturing love. from them. But I trust you to decide this.

Have you thought about a way to confront each of them face to face in a sit-down adult situation, and telling them exactly how you feel and that things need to change? Perhaps individually would be best, and in a neutral surrounding, so as they don't "gang" up on you. And you would need to rehearse your phrasing and edit it, so they don't use your anger against you. I am reminded of Christ being angry at the money changers in the temple... He used it for good, and it didn't make Him any less God.

Again, I refer to these types of personalities as "looters." They are best defined as ppl who do not return value for value. They take and take and make you feel guilty for not giving more. Few of them ever change. They sap your energy and walk away laughing. Put your guard up, but don't give them your energy even in your anger. They aren't worth it.

Remember that your son is taking notes on who acts and says what. He is forming his own opinions.

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

Thank you for your advice. I do feel good holding onto my anger with these women. I know I will have to deal with one or both of these women in my face at one point or another when it comes to my son. I don't understand this but they seem to feel like they have more rights to my son and even in court they have put me down stating that I shouldn't have any rights to my son. I know how close my son and I have been. How much a part of his life as his mom I've been and still am. These women know nothing about us!!

The statment I made about not wanting to take my son away from people who love him.........Well, I can't just move myself, my husband and my boys far away from here just to get away from these women. My husband and I have a comercial refrigeration business and I also can't take my boys away from the rest of the family that love them. I can't take my oldest away from his father, grandfather, aunt and cousins just because I want to get us away from these meddling women. I just have to be ready when these women try ANYTHING AT ALL and fight for my rights as a mother and kick them to the curb, so to speak!! HA HA. They honestly think they have rights and they DON'T.

I do think I'm also holding on to my anger with these two because I have never, through the years, stood up for myself as his mom. For years now I have let others, my ex-mother-in-law, walk all over me. For years now I have allowed others to lie about me to my son, pulling him away from me. I never confronted his grandmother about any of it. I tried my best to talk to my son about forgiveness when we've talked about the things that have happened over the years. I've always told my son that when others in the family have done the things that have been wrong to US that they did those things because they got what they wanted out of it. That, at the time, it didn't matter to them who they hurt. They were the ones with the problems and we should understand that they need our kindness and undrstanding because we love them not our anger. I have always felt bad for people when they do something that hurts others because it's not us with the problems when they do these things, it's them. Well, I don't feel this way about these women. If you met them you would know how evil and mean they are. I can't allow them to get away with their evilness anymore when it comes to my children.

I wrote another book for you to read. SORRY. Just have alot of feelings inside and it helps to get them out, ya know?

Thanks again.
Love,
Wendy