Being open and communicative in my marriage

For as long as I can remember, I have had an extremely difficult time talking about my emotions truthfully and honestly with friends or family. I don't feel "safe" talking with anyone, and I feel that if I open up and tell my friends how I feel, my real state, that they will abandon me.

I am married and have been for almost 13 years my husband is the only person that I have ever been able to communicate freely with. The first years of my marriage I didn't really have any problems but once our children were born I started to shut down again and I can't seem to be able to be able to reverse it. It is now really starting to unravel my marriage as my husband is feeling as if I am abandoning him both emotionally and physically.

I could really use some advice on how to try and open up again.

Welcome to the Community, NZgirl. Is couples' therapy an option?

Thanks glok, No we live in a place where this is not an option - we live in a small town and we live in a country where this i only available in the big city. Have tried to find out about this both for us as a couple and for myself to work on my own issues.

Hi, NZGirl, and welcome to Psych Central! Are you concerned he will leave you if you express anger or other so-called "negative" emotions?

Here is one forum, among many, that you might also like to check out: http://forums.psychcentral.com/coping-emotions/.

I agree that talking to a counselor with or without your husband would be good to see why you are shutting down. I hope things go better for you and your marriage soon.

Again, welcome!

Thanks, Glok, unfortunately couples therapy isn't an option we live in an area where that isn't available and the "counseling" that might be available is such that it is "through" the local government system so it is not so private as one would hope.

Travelinglady, I think I am terrified that he will leave me, I immigrated to be with him and I have never been very good at "connecting" to people so i don't have a support network outside of him and his family ( not his fault he is constantly telling me to find someone I can have as "my friend" ) but I only manage to keep things superficial

NZgirl,

I'm not a marriage counselor, and I strongly advise you talk to someone who is a professional but I might be able to offer some insights.

I've been married for 22 years and there have always been ups and downs. We even separated once, but he is still more than just my husband. He is my best friend first and foremost. My first thought was post-partum depression could have started your problems communicating with him and then maybe guilt or some other emotion was making you feel uncomfortable which led to you becoming uncomfortable with him. I could be totally off base here, but that's the first thing that popped into my head when I read your post.

Also, you don't mention how many children you have, but that can be a factor as well. The daily routine of caring for children can have a cooling effect on anyone's relationship both emotionally and physically.

Lots of couples have a tradition of 'date night'. If there's someone you have to watch the children for a few hours one night a week, it may give you and your husband the time and space you need to re-connect.

I hope this helps. Feel free to PM me if you'd like. I'm always around. Best wishes.

WW

Hi Werewoman,

Thanks for your reply, our children are 11, 8 and 5. We hadn't actually planned to have children, but I got pregnant with out oldest when we had been told we probably couldn't have children.

What mostly upsets my husband is that he feels we are too young to "just be friends" he wants a physical relationship as well.

We have had a very stressful time especially the last year with his break down, our oldest child being bullied and the school refusing to acknowledge the problem and maneuvering to place the blame on our home.

I know that I am exhausted all the time and that that effects how a person is interested in sex. But the intimacy is gone as well. My husband tells me that we are completely silent together. and that I am unwilling to talk, or respond in depth to anything he has to say.

NZgirl,

I should have been a little more specific....my husband is both my best friend and lover. We have a (sometimes very) physical relationship. Granted, it's easier for us because all of our children are grown, so it's easier to find the time...

It seems you are both under an enormous amount of stress which I'm assuming is causing your exhaustion. Some men consider sex to be a 'stress reliever'. I'm sorry that you don't have professionals available to you that could help. Is what your husband say about you true? If you are unwilling to talk or respond in depth to anything he has to say, then maybe you could ask him what it is he would like for you to do differently. Sometimes couples assume things about each other and it can be amazing to hear their response if we just ask what the other is really feeling.

WW

Werewoman,

I understand, this is want I want with my husband. I have been doing a little reading and what you said about postpartum depression actually made a lot of sense to me, and I think it could be associated with a miscarriage I had between my first and second child. What I do read though is that it should "go over" after about a year. But hear I am 9 years later trying to reconnect with my family.

The youngest is 5 so it might be possible that post-partum became generalized depression. Have you discussed this with a doctor? A family doctor or gynecologist would do. I don't think you necessarily need a psychiatrist. I don't know if you are on any meds, but an anti-depressant may help a lot. Personally, I've found Welbutrin to be very helpful simply because it not only helps with my depression, but it also revs up my libido. LOL