my parents do not accept my boyfriend

Hi, I am 20 years old and studying at university. A year and few months ago, I met my boyfriend who is almost 24 now, and he is about to graduate from university. My boyfriend and I have been dating since then. We only see each other physically for half a year, then he fly back to his own country, becauuse he is an exchange student. Both of us maintain our relationship through skype, texting and chatting on the phone everyday. During Christmas, he fly to the US to visit me, my parents dont know at first, but then they found out. They never support me dating with him. They think he is not a good person, but i know he is not. He is not what they said impolite, rude, not understandable etc. I have try to talk with them about him, want them to know more about him, but they still do not accept. Especially my mom. She is totally against it, she doesnt want to meet him or talk to him. And he is coming to visit me again, and he really wants to meet my parents. what should i do? i cant just move out with him right? even though his family accept me and love me. I dont know what can i do.. my family are typical asian parents... i dont want to have bad relationship with my family, and i want to be with my boyfriend.

-Agnes

Why do your parents think he's impolite and rude? Is it because he didn't introduce himself to them before dating you?

Have you asked your parents why they don't like your boyfriend? They may be seeing something that you're not. I hate to say it, but parents are usually right!
My parents tried to warn me and I didn't listen. I ended up in a mess of a marriage, that took a long time to get over.

Truer words were never spoken. We don't want to hear it when "we are in love" - but they know you better than most people and they see your boyfriend with clear eyes (not clouded by love).

Maybe part of the problem is the fact that he is an exchange student and only "with" you half the year ? I agree with the others parents often do know best , not always but often enough that you should put some thought into there opinions .

Welcome to PC

I have spoken with many people from Asian families who have the same issue as you do. I understand that many times Asian parents can be very, very rigid - especially with a daughter. What ethnicity is your boyfriend?

I have been both: daughter in love and mother who objects to a boyfriend. Parents see things you don't see. If you can't be respectful to me, how can I expect you to respect my daughter? Hormones do not play a part in the way I see my daughter's suitor. You, Sister, are so very young. Just keep your ears and heart open to those who have lived twice as long as you and are probably not with the person they loved at 20.

Warm thoughts for you.

I don't think its just a matter of listening to parents because they know best. Her parents are Asian and I know that oftentimes parents of specific cultures are very protective of their children and who they choose as partners. Is your partner of the same ethnicity as you? I don't think your parents can give a valid judgment of your partner, seeing as how they have never even bothered to meet him! Rejecting him just because he is an exchange student isn't really a valid reason as it is not a personal rejection of who he is, rather it is a rejection of him because of the fact that he is not a citizen of the same country.

Sometimes you should listen to what your parents say, but in this case, I don't see their opinion as being rational. In life there are no guarantees. What if he is the one and you gave him up just because your parents rejected him from a distance? Don't live your life just to please your parents, as you will end up with regrets.

I really don't get all these opinions supporting the parents WHO HAVEN'T EVEN MET HIM! (is this fact continually overlooked?)

First, I think it will ruin your life if you just move out and move in with this man. You cannot do that to your parents! They raised you from a baby and have provided you with everything. I assume they are paying for your university cost. So please don't even think of being so ungrateful and harsh to your parents. They are your family. They will be your parents for all of your life and all of their life. Compared to what your parents have done for you, what has this man done for you? Okay, he makes you feel good right now. But so what. That isn't really that much. Will you feel good about him in one year from now, or two, or five? Maybe. Maybe not. Your parents are your parents forever. Don't through that away for a man who may not end being in your life for the rest of your life--you just don't know. It is easy to be "in love" and feel so good that it seems like nothing else matter. But that "in love" feeling ALWAYS passes in time. If he is a good man, you will still like him and respect, but you eventually you will no longer be "in love" with him. That's just caused by hormones and the natural sex drive.
Second, if the man really loves you, he will be patient, and will accept that things may have to go slow with your parents, and that he may not be able to see you for a while.
Third, I think you can continue to "work on" your parents, that is, work on getting them to give this man a chance. So I am not recommending that you give up. Perhaps you can negotiate some sort of deal with your parents, such as they will allow a visit in 3 months if you in return do something that they want you to do.
Fourth, don't lie or be sneaky and see this man behind your parent's back. That is betrayal. That is wrong. You'll regret it if you do it.

I don't understand how they say he's impolite, rude and not understandable, not having met him?

Was there a reason during Christmas break, to not introduce him, if even as a friend from school?

Your parents aren't trusting of something about him.
Why'd you mention moving in together, before you even finish school and get settled with your career? Where will he work, in the states or does he need to return home?

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I think that your advice is good, without the sweeping generalization. A lot of parents have a model spouse in mind for their kid. Sometimes its a culture thing, or a religious thing. Or a money thing. Sometimes they are downright threatened.

But I do think she should objectively hear out their reasons and decide for herself if its true. And then make her choice. Some parents come around (although with a start like this, its not a good sign).

Dear akpc19,

You asked for advice and you got it, maybe not the answers you were looking for.
The advice you got was the truth. Unbiased, from people who dont know you/parents/boyfriend.
You are 20 and will most likely have more than "one love" in your life before "the one" that will endure with family and children.
I am empathetic that you feel torn and taking a break with this boyfriend will be very painful but this will pass.
You are upset, not a time to make critical decisions like moving to live with him.
Stay in school so you will be self sufficient young woman, with a degree.
The fact that you want a good relationship with your family accounts to the good job they did with you. Mother may not express emotions/ think about the restrictions she lived under. Every generation brings change. Underneath the hard exterior is a soft woman who wants the best for you. I don't see their point of view on him changing, especially if they are traditional. Too many flaws from the start.
We live and we learn. I liked the advice that suggested an introduction as a friend.
Sincerely,
Happiedasiy

You are an adult, and will have to make your own decisions.

Quoting happiedasiy:

"You asked for advice and you got it, maybe not the answers you were looking for.
The advice you got was the truth. Unbiased, from people who dont know you/parents/boyfriend.
You are 20 and will most likely have more than "one love" in your life before "the one" that will endure with family and children. I am empathetic that you feel torn and taking a break with this boyfriend will be very painful but this will pass.
You are upset, not a time to make critical decisions like moving to live with him. Stay in school so you will be self sufficient young woman, with a degree.
The fact that you want a good relationship with your family accounts to the good job they did with you. Mother may not express emotions/ think about the restrictions she lived under. Every generation brings change. Underneath the hard exterior is a soft woman who wants the best for you. I don't see their point of view on him changing, especially if they are traditional. Too many flaws from the start.
We live and we learn. I liked the advice that suggested an introduction as a friend."



happiedasiy, I have never been so strongly in tune with a reply. I agree with every single word, and I can feel the warmth and compassion in your words, which what we are all looking for when we post.