please help.....

I have a question, and a reason to why I have joined this site. I'm really not a blogger, but I can't find the time to reach out to a professional about the problems I've been having. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend, or ex boyfriend- I don't even know at this point for over a year. In the beginning he was perfect, sounds cliche but I got out of a relationship where my boyfriend was so insecure with himself it really affected our relationship but I managed to finally get out. I was alone for a year, collecting my thoughts, building myself up again. Then I met my most recent boyfriend, and he came off as a very quiet, funny, reserved, secure and confident man. Then as time went on, I soon realized and began to notice how every thing little bothered him, even events before me and him had met. He would turn the littlest matters into the biggest, and a fight was never a fight. He always fought with me bringing me down, discouraging me, using my past against me, the way I grew up, the location I grew up in, my attitude, my family, my childhood, and everything else. I can't deny, I do have a temper, I do have an attitude, but I truly believe I'm very reasonable. Of course being human I will act out of character but I am never in denial with myself and if I'm proven wrong, I have no problem fixing my mistakes. I recently found out my boyfriend and a girl who I thought was my bestfriend, they had sex before me and my boyfriend got serious, and throughout our relationship I had always questioned that factor and they both denied it. Until about 3 weeks ago when once again my boyfriend was breaking up with me and he spilled the beans. I was so hurt, I felt so foolish and so betrayed, but I felt more betrayed by my girlfriend considering I trusted her with my life and I always thought it was likewise. So I forgave him of course, with him promising me he would help me heal and give it time.. but any little minor event after that he used everything against me. He calls me names, he brings me down to the point I feel worthless. I wanted to just end my life because he made me feel as if I wasn't good enough. I know it sounds cliche once again, but in my defense, I feel like I try so hard to make it work, I accommodate it all to him, and still we fail. Though he's the one that makes me feel worthless, everytime I try to express myself he takes it the wrong way and ends up breaking up with me saying I'm the reason to the closure, and I ruined his life. I'm not loyal, I'm a liar, I'm this I'm that. I know I'm not perfect and I have told white lies because he had threatened me numerous times if this and that happened, then he'd end it with me so the fear of losing him I had told white lies. But those white lies were never ones to hurt him if or when he found out. I'm struggling because at this point we are over again. Whenever he comes back into my life he's always so genuinely sorry and he knows exactly what to say to make me feel like I want it again, and after all I do love him. Here and there slightly he's mentioned him having OCD and his behaviours with certain things definitely does make sense, but I am not an expert to put that label on him. I don't know what to think I don't know what to do. I just need to know if I really am the problem... I don't know why no matter how hard genuinely I try it's not working. Countless times he'll mention the same thing over and over as if we never talked about it, or fought about it, and his excuse is he wants me to be sorry, but how many times do I need to be sorry in 1 day over the same thing? How many times do I need to be sorry for what happened 1 year ago? What about his sorrys that he caused me lying to me for a year and me finding out he had sex with my bestfriend. Please help me find a comfort in not being in this relationship anymore because as much as I am miserable I do love him, but I need to know this is not a normal relationship. Its hard to tell myself that over and over. the message doesn't get through to me. Please respond, please help me.

hi fourleaf
this is not a healthy relationship. anybody who makes you feel worthless is not worth it. nobody should say things to you that denigrate you and make you feel like ending your life. once forgiven, nothing should be brought up again. there is nothing you have written in this post that makes this man sound like someone who loves and cherishes you. he belittles, demeans and bashes you instead. love yourself and give yourself to someone who has more respect for you. take care.

I know it seems you can't find time to get professional help, but the fact is...that's what you need. Either a counselor (could be a priest, pastor or some other person who has experience with the issues you wrote of) or a Therapist. I understand how you feel...and a lot of your emotions I could relate to.

I just think there is a lot more to this story that you haven't said, because it would probably take too long, in your opinion, but those things are important too. I also realize you came out of a disfunctional relationship and found yourself, rather quickly, into another that is equally, if not more disfunctional. THAT is why I think it is important, for your mental and emotional health, that you do seek out a professional to talk to. They are much more capable of helping you one on one, not only with this painful break up, but also preventing you from falling into the same trap with the next bf.

Trust me, it's very very easy to do, if you haven't given yourself enough time to find your inner strength and self-reliance/esteem.

Take care

Thank you for your kind words.. I just can't shake away the feeling it's all my fault... I always have this guilt even though I should let it go, I can't help but feel I'M the reason we don't work out, I'M the liar, I'M the slut, IM the one with the uncontrollable attitude that brings out the worst in him..

Hes emotionally abusing you and that is making your feel worthless .. You deserve so much better.

Dump him and then he wont be able to keep you down.

I agree you really need some kind of Therapy to help you sort through your feelings

Take care

consoler's help but , by priest helps me mostly the best but I pray and go to church and try to read the best book and that's the bible , just my opinion of that and that I what I do

Repeating the same things to you, over and over, to me, is a red flag.

Your saying sorry over and over, a red flag.

Healthy relationships don't leave one questioning if they are the issue with the relationship. The relationship is the issue. Has unhealthy dynamics.

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Hi fourleaf,

First off, I am sorry to hear about the hardship you are undergoing right now. And please be reassured, no, this is not all your fault. Relationship problems are often not the fault of any one person whether it be an intimate relationship, familial, or between friends. After all, we all have personal strengths and weaknesses and those result in good times and bad times in our lives.

You mentioned a couple of times that you care about your boyfriend and even said you love him. I have a feeling that is mutual since you both seem to gravitate back to each other even after your breakups. If there is love there, that is a good foundation to build upon. It sounds to me that the main problem lies more in the way you both communicate with each other. Rather than using that love to talk peaceably with one another, you both tend to resort to a combative, accusatory dialog that leaves both of you feeling misunderstood and hurt. Is that normal? I would say most relationships experience that at times. In order for a relationship to remain healthy though, such episodes should be minimized. Is it possible to reduce the animosity between you two that has been built up to this point? I don't see why not if you are both willing to put forth the effort to make things work. Your boyfriend has stated that he feels he has OCD. If that's the case, then he needs to get some help for it so it does not damage your relationship. If he truly loves you he should be willing to help himself. I think counseling could provide some great benefits for both of you. If you love each other and want to salvage the relationship, you both have to decide if you are willing to make the effort necessary to effect that by doing what it takes to repair things.

Concerning the late confession about his prior relationship with your best friend... I can imagine that must be very painful for you. The only thing I can say is maybe they both just hoped to spare you that pain and that's why they didn't come forward. That is not meant to justify it, I am just conjecturing. You mentioned that he continually wants you to feel sorry over some past transgressions that he just can't let go of. You might ask him what it is he is really seeking. What does "sorry" mean to him? Oftentimes, we apologize to others on our own terms and expect that should suffice. Sometimes the other person expects something different than what we are offering. Such terms may or may not be unreasonable. You could just ask him to specify EXACTLY what he expects from an apology. Based on his reply, you can make a decision on whether you can pacify him or alternatively, you may have to let him know the limits of what you can give to him. Of course, such a discussion should be take place when you are both calm and willing to be honest with each other without being combative. A counselor would be a great help in mediating these kinds of issues.

Ultimately, you have to assess what is best for you. It could be that leaving the relationship is the best decision. Or you might still be able to find happiness together. It all depends on how much you love each other and what you are both willing to do. The burden is not yours alone nor is it mostly yours so there is no need to unduly blame yourself for the problems in your relationship. No doubt you both have the ability to change and make things work if that is what you really want. Take some time, think things over, and go from there.

I do not believe anyone is ever "the" problem in a breakup. But, your relationship sounds like it has more problems than are surmountable at this time? You speak of your angst but I don't really hear any you feel is coming from him, it sounds like you feel it is almost a "trick", his apologizing and knowing what words to say to get you back, etc. That has red flags for me, that you go back to words, and then he acts the same?

Thank you. Yes I have missed a lot of information out. He'll go from I'm sorry I love you so much, you're the best thing in the world for me I can't live without you, to a couple hours later, after no incident happening "you don't deserve me, I can do better, your so bold, I had so many red flags with you, I should've never been with you, you make me miss my ex, you're the biggest regret, you ruined my life" then couple hours later he'll contact me crying saying all he needed was me to show him I care, and that I'm sorry for my past mistakes, and he goes through so much to explain to me what he needs for this to work, so I do so, and when I'm showing him my love and care, he turns the table saying "stop being so hopeful, it makes me feel bad you still want this when I'm hopeless. I feel like I can do better than you, I don't want to see you so hopeful" more than us not working out, or me blaming anyone, I'm beginning to believe he may have a personality disorder. or OCD, or anything. Then of course being around that 365 days out the year, I DO feel guilt with everything he's been so angry with me about. Our last conversation which was a week ago ended with "I can do better than you and when I do, ur going to wish u tried harder to keep me." then he ignored me. Mind you not, 1 day prior to that he had told me he cannot live without me, and he sees the good in me and he believes im good and doesn't wana let his insecurities or assumptions break us, and that he feels he's not good enough for me. Then 2 hours later he went on a rant of how much of a liar I am and started bringing up all the old arguments again... I just feel like I really was the problem, I really did bring the bad out of him...

Thank you. Yes I have missed a lot of information out. He'll go from I'm sorry I love you so much, you're the best thing in the world for me I can't live without you, to a couple hours later, after no incident happening "you don't deserve me, I can do better, your so bold, I had so many red flags with you, I should've never been with you, you make me miss my ex, you're the biggest regret, you ruined my life" then couple hours later he'll contact me crying saying all he needed was me to show him I care, and that I'm sorry for my past mistakes, and he goes through so much to explain to me what he needs for this to work, so I do so, and when I'm showing him my love and care, he turns the table saying "stop being so hopeful, it makes me feel bad you still want this when I'm hopeless. I feel like I can do better than you, I don't want to see you so hopeful" more than us not working out, or me blaming anyone, I'm beginning to believe he may have a personality disorder. or OCD, or anything. Then of course being around that 365 days out the year, I DO feel guilt with everything he's been so angry with me about. Our last conversation which was a week ago ended with "I can do better than you and when I do, ur going to wish u tried harder to keep me." then he ignored me. Mind you not, 1 day prior to that he had told me he cannot live without me, and he sees the good in me and he believes im good and doesn't wana let his insecurities or assumptions break us, and that he feels he's not good enough for me. Then 2 hours later he went on a rant of how much of a liar I am and started bringing up all the old arguments again... I just feel like I really was the problem, I really did bring the bad out of him...