[Parisian Princess]

I am currently trying to figure out if this situation is "in my head" or if I'm sensing something from which I should just walk away.

I don't date a lot and I haven't in awhile. A lot of that is from getting in a long-term relationship a few years ago and just not being ready, and also because I hadn't met anyone I was really interested in. I feel reasonably well about my looks and my "normal" personality (the one I have when I'm not letting anxiety and depression take over) and I get positive attention from men.

About a month ago, I went to a small get-together organized by some old acquaintances, which was really a huge step for me because I almost didn't go. While there, I had a pretty good time and a few guys seemed to be into me. One in particular seemed very interested. We'd already been connected on social media but started PM each other more regularly.

Finally, we agreed to go out. I was looking forward to it and I got the impression that he was, too. Date one was great and I found that I liked him a lot. He was definitely giving off the same vibe. More conversations and texts led to a second date. It was longer in duration and equally fun. We talked the following week about potential locations for dates and he even suggested doing something together that was happening in December.

The problem? I suggested meeting for a quick breakfast or lunch. It's possible that it got overlooked because we were chatting about so many other things. He mentioned that he thought we had a great connection and wanted to introduce me to some friends. A few days ago, I asked him what he was doing that day and again suggested lunch. He was busy that day -- which, not a problem -- but said he was looking forward to "getting together soon." He kind of ended the session with that and I said cool, we'll work out the details soon. However, he hasn't reached out to me since then. I haven't contacted him, either.

So, I'm feeling a change in the energy, just from the way he seemed to abruptly end the conversation. Since we began communicating more regularly, we haven't really gone more than a day without at least a "hi" or some sort of conversation, like "How's your Monday going?" I don't know if I'm wigging out unnecessarily, because I tend to worry about things I don't need to, or if this is his passive way of backing off.

Up until now, I really got the impression that he wanted to spend time with me. He's been very up-front about that and has even mentioned it to our mutual friends. I feel like it's important to add that we've had some very lengthy, in-depth conversations and we're obviously attracted to one another (it hasn't progressed past kissing). But this is more that I "feel" like something is off, even though it's just that he hasn't spoken or texted in a few days.

So what do you think? Should I just let this die a natural death or is there reason to believe that he is as into me as he's said?

[kaliope]

well, i shouldnt be one to answer this as i have been alone so long but it definately seems like there was something there to build on, it seems really weird that it suddenly went cold. i wouldnt end it without taking one more shot at it. he could be sitting back thinking the same thing you are wondring what is going on and why arent you texting him. so take a shot and drop him a line to see how his is doing. "long time, no talk, whats going on?" if he continues to blow you off, then i would let it go. take care.

[Parisian Princess]

So, I did send him a message. Just a "how was your weekend." I sent it an hour ago and so far, nothing. I'm still all in my feelings about it, but trying to breathe.

Before I sent it, I was scrolling our past FB chats and I swear, I just don't know why it seems so abrupt. I really hope I'm just being paranoid.

[hvert]

Unfortunately, I think this just happens a lot when you are a female in the dating world. Just reading your story brought back so many memories of times this happened to me. Everything seems to be going along, just dandy, and all of a sudden he stops calling or texting or whatever. It always seemed very abrupt and I always used to worry about what the heck I did to scare them off.

For your own peace of mind, I would stop waiting for him to respond. Treat it as if he lost interest in dating. Better to be pleasantly surprised when he calls you and says that he just had a busy week at work than to be bitterly disappointed after holding onto false hope.

[FatPenguin]

This does not sound good.

I'd say a couple of possibilities. Knowing men, he's trying to talk to as many women as possible. Maybe another one he was talking to showed some interest and they hooked up before you did with him. It's even possible he liked you a lot and got freaked out, as you two seemed to have a connection.

Whatever the case, wait and hope he goes back. If he doesn't, **** him -- figuratively. **** him. If he treats you like you're second choice all of a sudden, treat him like he's last.

Example: girl I'm talking to quite a bit abruptly stops writing. Then TEN DAYS PASS, and she writes me all sort of "interested" again and CLAIMS her "email wouldn't send her reply" to me (suuuure). She said yahoo email wouldn't send it. Mmmk.

I get the feeling she had another guy on the hook, didn't/wasn't going as she expected, now she's back to me. I really think that's the case. If someone wants to talk to you, THEY WILL. She'd have used a different email, if it wasn't working, to get the message through.

If a guy doesn't treat you like you're number one, move on. I know it's hard because that puts that insecure feeling inside of you, like "What's wrong with me?" Just move on (says the guy who can't move on from the girl currently not caring about him).

[healingme4me]

How many days has it been, since chatting? A missed day yeah, but days when leading to a third date.??? I say drop him like a bug. Don't need this type of emotional lack of consideration in anything longer term.

Just start looking around again.

:Hug:

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by FatPenguin

This does not sound good.

I'd say a couple of possibilities. Knowing men, he's trying to talk to as many women as possible. Maybe another one he was talking to showed some interest and they hooked up before you did with him. It's even possible he liked you a lot and got freaked out, as you two seemed to have a connection.

Whatever the case, wait and hope he goes back. If he doesn't, **** him -- figuratively. **** him. If he treats you like you're second choice all of a sudden, treat him like he's last.

Example: girl I'm talking to quite a bit abruptly stops writing. Then TEN DAYS PASS, and she writes me all sort of "interested" again and CLAIMS her "email wouldn't send her reply" to me (suuuure). She said yahoo email wouldn't send it. Mmmk.

I get the feeling she had another guy on the hook, didn't/wasn't going as she expected, now she's back to me. I really think that's the case. If someone wants to talk to you, THEY WILL. She'd have used a different email, if it wasn't working, to get the message through.

If a guy doesn't treat you like you're number one, move on. I know it's hard because that puts that insecure feeling inside of you, like "What's wrong with me?" Just move on (says the guy who can't move on from the girl currently not caring about him).

I agree with everything FP said, but particularly the lines I highlighted..kind of reminds me of that movie, 'he's just not that into you'. I used to stress out too, but not anymore. I generally keep myself from becoming emotionally invested for quite awhile when dating someone, no matter how special the connection seems. And sometimes, BECAUSE of how special it seems.

If he bailed before the third date could come about, and has been distant, just walk away. Even if he's been 'busy'...walk away. There's an old saying: "A relationship will end, how it started."

In this case, his treatment of you, just promises a bad, sad, avoidant laden ending. Walk away.

[hvert]

I like that line, "if he treats you like you're second choice all of a sudden, treat him like he's last."

Originally Posted by Parisian Princess

I am currently trying to figure out if this situation is "in my head" or if I'm sensing something from which I should just walk away.

I don't date a lot and I haven't in awhile. A lot of that is from getting in a long-term relationship a few years ago and just not being ready, and also because I hadn't met anyone I was really interested in. I feel reasonably well about my looks and my "normal" personality (the one I have when I'm not letting anxiety and depression take over) and I get positive attention from men.

About a month ago, I went to a small get-together organized by some old acquaintances, which was really a huge step for me because I almost didn't go. While there, I had a pretty good time and a few guys seemed to be into me. One in particular seemed very interested. We'd already been connected on social media but started PM each other more regularly.

Finally, we agreed to go out. I was looking forward to it and I got the impression that he was, too. Date one was great and I found that I liked him a lot. He was definitely giving off the same vibe. More conversations and texts led to a second date. It was longer in duration and equally fun. We talked the following week about potential locations for dates and he even suggested doing something together that was happening in December.

The problem? I suggested meeting for a quick breakfast or lunch. It's possible that it got overlooked because we were chatting about so many other things. He mentioned that he thought we had a great connection and wanted to introduce me to some friends. A few days ago, I asked him what he was doing that day and again suggested lunch. He was busy that day -- which, not a problem -- but said he was looking forward to "getting together soon." He kind of ended the session with that and I said cool, we'll work out the details soon. However, he hasn't reached out to me since then. I haven't contacted him, either.

So, I'm feeling a change in the energy, just from the way he seemed to abruptly end the conversation. Since we began communicating more regularly, we haven't really gone more than a day without at least a "hi" or some sort of conversation, like "How's your Monday going?" I don't know if I'm wigging out unnecessarily, because I tend to worry about things I don't need to, or if this is his passive way of backing off.

Up until now, I really got the impression that he wanted to spend time with me. He's been very up-front about that and has even mentioned it to our mutual friends. I feel like it's important to add that we've had some very lengthy, in-depth conversations and we're obviously attracted to one another (it hasn't progressed past kissing). But this is more that I "feel" like something is off, even though it's just that he hasn't spoken or texted in a few days.

So what do you think? Should I just let this die a natural death or is there reason to believe that he is as into me as he's said?

Ok first off, from what I've read, about the only thing alluding to him being not as into you is that he hasn't reached out to you. The truth is that even in a strong relationship, where people are not necessarily in the same home, there could be a great number of reasons for things going silent for a time and unless he's done something that has shown he's changed his mind, you have every reason to give him the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps something has happened that is keeping him busy, his phone has been cut off (happened to me more than I'm happy to say) or soemthing similar.

Right now the evidence shows that he was at the very least interested in you, kept up with you after somewhat intimate dates (kissing) and he expressed his enjoyment of your company. You have nothing other than time between texts or calls to say that he's changed his mind. Now this, of course depends on the amount of time, but i see no reason to expect that this is dying at this point. That is, quite honestly, your insecurity, which I might say I'm not judging you about but just as a fact. I know how this feels, I've done it myself, but pretty much everything you've said is reading into things more than there is evidence of.

My suggestion? Give him a chance to respond, be upfront and honest, tell him nicely that it's been awhile and then just ask him, if he's still interested in going out again. Give him the benefit of the doubt and tell him you understand that he may have gotten busy or something. Let him know without being pointed, that you've noticed a change in the amount of conversation you are having and then leave it be. His response is what you should base your next move on. Or lack thereof if he doesn't respond. Do this and you have a reason to either hang on for longer or move on.

Everything else said about what he's doing, or his thoughts or whether he's interested in you still or not is all speculation

Hope this helps

Originally Posted by FatPenguin

I'd say a couple of possibilities. Knowing men, he's trying to talk to as many women as possible. Maybe another one he was talking to showed some interest and they hooked up before you did with him. It's even possible he liked you a lot and got freaked out, as you two seemed to have a connection.

Seriously? what part of left field did you pull that out of? Nothing in what she's said has made it sound like he's a player or anything. The only thing she has to go on is the dates that were good, his verbalizing his interest and then his period of silence now. She has not said he's flirting or dating other women already nor anything of the like.

I seriously don't think this is helpful considering she's struggling with insecurity in this new relationship as it is. This only serves to add more speculation to her perspective of what is going on, I don't think it's helpful. If anything it's feeding the fire of her worries.

Originally Posted by waiting4

I agree with everything FP said, but particularly the lines I highlighted..kind of reminds me of that movie, 'he's just not that into you'. I used to stress out too, but not anymore. I generally keep myself from becoming emotionally invested for quite awhile when dating someone, no matter how special the connection seems. And sometimes, BECAUSE of how special it seems.

If he bailed before the third date could come about, and has been distant, just walk away. Even if he's been 'busy'...walk away. There's an old saying: "A relationship will end, how it started."

In this case, his treatment of you, just promises a bad, sad, avoidant laden ending. Walk away.

Wow I'm surprised at how easily you're dismissive of this guy. I mean, even if he's busy? Come on, life happens and sometimes it takes us away from the fun of it, including new loves. Fact is, if it is a new love interest, the bond may not be as strong as it would be later and other things still may take precedence over his dating life. That in no way says that he's not interested in her anymore nor does it say that he's not worth it.

I don't think that she should so easily write him off. He hasn't done anything horribly wrong at this point.

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Wow I'm surprised at how easily you're dismissive of this guy. I mean, even if he's busy? Come on, life happens and sometimes it takes us away from the fun of it, including new loves. Fact is, if it is a new love interest, the bond may not be as strong as it would be later and other things still may take precedence over his dating life. That in no way says that he's not interested in her anymore nor does it say that he's not worth it.

I don't think that she should so easily write him off. He hasn't done anything horribly wrong at this point.

Write him off? Not exactly what I meant but I can see it seeming like that. What I mean is walk away....do not pursue. If he IS still interested, let him show you he is by making contact...but it seems counter-productive and a little desperate to keep texting, or emailing or haunting facebook (all of which she may or may not have done). What I see in her question is confusion...and a little desperation.

And for her own bruised self-esteem, she needs to quit that.

Originally Posted by waiting4

Write him off? Not exactly what I meant but I can see it seeming like that. What I mean is walk away....do not pursue. If he IS still interested, let him show you he is by making contact...but it seems counter-productive and a little desperate to keep texting, or emailing or haunting facebook (all of which she may or may not have done). What I see in her question is confusion...and a little desperation.

And for her own bruised self-esteem, she needs to quit that.

Nothing in her Op has stated she is incessantly texting or stalking his fb. this is purely an assumption. It seems to me more that she's questioning based on the fact that it's been longer than expected to hear from* him but beyond that I don't see an active or obsessive pursuit. Whether she is doing so or not is something unanswered and I'm sure she can say if that's true or not but at this point there is no evidence of that. I dont' see desperation in her actions at all just that she's feeling a little insecure because he stopped talking to her.

*added note. if I were on a couple of dates, someone had talked to me regularly following and it suddenly stopped for a longer period, I would wonder myself. Nothing in that speaks to being desperate, but having been hopeful something was happening and fearful of the prospect that it may not work out.

[Perna]

Uncertainly is hard for me, too. I guess I would decide what I want and watch this and next week for how he responds to any texts I send, etc. as to whether I think has gone as far as I want to pursue or still has a spark of life and he's just busy/has his own problems this week.

[Parisian Princess]

Right after I started this thread, I had a whole bunch of family stuff to deal with -- some major illnesses with family members and coordinating care and having to take care of some younger family unexpectedly -- and on top of that, my laptop crashed. That sounds crazy to include that as being stressful, but lurking on PC was a great help to me even before I actually signed up and started posting and I missed coming here.

Anyway, I'm back and actually read all of the responses. I appreciate everyone taking the time to offer some perspective. It was really helpful, even if it was critical (not a bad thing). I was insecure at the time of posting, and it's something I struggle with; people wouldn't know that to see me, but it's there.

So, update. I decided to calm myself down and get a grip. Easier said than done. Taking the advice of some, I sent him a "how was your weekend" text. It made me feel vulnerable and sort of needy (not really desperate, but that's a slippery slope sometimes), but I felt like I didn't want to write off a perfectly nice guy because I worry about things that I don't always need to worry about.

Instead of texting me back, he called me a few minutes later and we had a pretty long conversation. Turns out he was nervous about appearing to crowd me AND his sister had an emergency that required hospitalization. He had also purchased some concert tickets for a March show and thought it might seem presumptuous to think we'd be still dating then; he didn't want to freak me out. We've been out a several times since then and have been chugging along slowly but surely. Neither of us is in a rush.

Oh, also, I wanted to mention that there was no incessant texting or FB haunting (kudos to whoever came up with that!). It was more of me knowing that I ascribe meaning to things that may not really be there because of my own issues and wanting another -- or many -- viewpoint of what might have been going on. It was just weird because it just seemed to come out of nowhere.

[hvert]

Awesome!!!!!