Partner criticizes me all the time

My partner of 7 years criticizes me very often.

It started almost straight after we begun to live together. She focuses on my appearance, skills, interactions with other people and so on.

I'm rather handsome and intelligent guy but I feel her negative comments drag me down.

Why do you think she's so critical of me? I feel I deserve better treatment - have even communicated this to her but nothing changes...

Welcome to the Community, tommytom. Perhaps these articles might be helpful:

Setting boundaries Appropriately - Online Self-Help Book for Mental Health, Mental Illness
10 Way to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries | Psych Central
Being assertive: Reduce stress, communicate better - Mayo Clinic

I wish you well.

If you have expressed that her treatment of you is inappropriate and she is unwilling to change, doesn't sound like much of a future.

Why she does this? Could be a great deal of things, control and insecurity are a couple examples.

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Sorry to hear of your battles.....

part of me has to wonder if she is being passive aggressive. IE She is actually mad at herself about ______ but chooses to attack whoever is nearby.

Either way - I hope you two can find a healthy way of working through this.

Wow, thanks everyone for great responses.

With honesty I'm not angel either. What worries me more however she did criticize me from the day one - even at the time normal couples think about nicer stuff.

I've asked the question mainly because things between us go downhill recently (and accelerating) and I'm looking retrospectively to try to identify problems which were overlooked in the past - but now once accumulated destroying our relationship.

glok - thank you for the links

I think 'i don't matter' is onto something. She's upset about something and releasing those frustrations on you. Maybe she's mad at you, maybe some other aspect of her life.

It's really inappropriate behavior, whatever her reason. I hope you can convince her to stop.

get rid of her..problem solved.

I guess it's not that simple - we have a child. I really would like to to work.

But some of the answers suggest it is bigger problem than I thought.

I think getting rid of her simplifies a very complex problem and I understand that since you have a child together, it behooves you to try to stop this inappropriate and hurtful behaviour of hers. I do agree, both that she sounds incredibly insecure (if you are good looking etc and this began from the time you moved in together) as well as that it may be symptomatic of deeper issues.

Is there a way you could try couples counseling with an eye to helping her discover a possible need for therapy on her own? If she refuses, then you may have to consider moving on...and of course, how to work this with your child because at the end of the day....your child is the most important person in this relationship.

Be well

Well between this post where she treats you like crap and the other post where she treats women like crap, she sounds like quite a bitter, hateful person. Yeah, you have a child together. AND? Do you want your child to grow up knowing that mommy treats daddy like crap and that daddy just puts up with it? Not a good role model for your kid! Her behavior is unacceptable, and you need to call her out on it EACH and EVERY time she criticizes you. Its one thing to give someone constructive criticism, but it doesn't sound like she's doing that.

So we tried to discuss our problems again. To give you a bigger picture - about 2 months ago she accused me of anger management problems. Quite frankly I was confused about it on the beginning and gladly accepted I'm the problem - again. For her it became simple - I get rid of anger management problem and everything will be better.

I have even agreed to seek therapy. Have read a ton of articles on topic. So when we had again a situation when she accused me of anger problem I've challenged her noting that I barely fulfill any anger management problem symptoms. I even chnaged the form of communicating "difficult" topics with her to emails. But she said she still feels my anger between the lines. I've decided to stay quite - she accused me of expressing anger through my face... Finally I've realized that perhaps I took a blame for everything again - unnecessarily.

So during our recent conversation I've told her that she has a problem and need to stop to criticize me. Her answer was... "you need to learn to handle criticism better". I guess only therapy can change anything now.

Funny thing is that until my first post here I was feeling guilt, I was blaming myself for everything wrong in our relationship. Your posts got me thinking. Now I have realized she had never apologized to me. Not a single time (apart from sarcastic "sorry" when we were arguing). Seems like she really believes everything wrong is down to me.

Now I freed up my mind out of the constant guilt. I realize now only miracle can rescue leftovers of this relationship. But it's hard to take.

my friend that is the biggest mistake we always make ( myself included).
the idea that "i would like it to work"

a relationship requires two people to want it to work. the two of you have to want it to work, i get the impression she doesn't care how she makes you feel..this is unacceptable..unless of course..you accept it.

in all honesty..the fact that you have a child together is irrelevant.

i don't mean that in a condescending way, just stating the facts.
yes you have a child together, this is true..but that doesn't mean that now you must be subjected to a lifetime of misery..because the two of you had a child.

most people are resistant to change..and also unwilling.i get the impression this is the case here. you are unhappy..this is not good..you deserve to be happy..but at the end of the day..you and you alone are responsible for your happiness..if you continue to let her treat you like sh**..then you have no one to blame but yourself, you can't blame her..she doesn't want to change and she keeps doing it.

you are at a crossroads..it's up to you to take a stand and deliver an ultimatum.."if you expect me to continue to be with you..you need to treat me with respect and dignity.period". you need to explain to her that you are not her doormat and your heart is not her personal stomping pad..simple as that.

in reality..relationships are simple..it is us and our emotions that make them complex.if you can take emotion out of the picture..if only for a moment..you will see that i am indeed correct. if someone cannot treat you with fairness,kindness and decency..the same they would expect out of you..they don't deserve your love trust and loyalty & it's up to us to do what is best for us in the end.. i truly hope this helps

In looking retrospectively, I am bolding the I am no angel part, because it is oh so very COMMON to hear of those who put up with more crud than the typical relationship. It is it's own phenomena.

Ever had a past relationship, prior to her, where you weren't the ideal partner? Sometimes, we overcompensate for our past lashings out on others, by swinging the pendulum so far in the other direction, that we actually find it cosmically acceptable and appropriate to put up with it. Believe me, however poorly you may have behaved in your past, or even if you are less than stellar and perfect in the here and now, it's no reason to have to put up with this, you are not her doormat. (that is, of course, if that's one driving force, sometimes it's shame and grief from our families of origins, that list could go on for miles, why people land in this type of trap.)

Plain and simply, working on better role model behavior for your child that you share together is paramount!! Priority, numero uno. When you assert yourself, and demand the treatment that you need, desire and deserve, in front of your child, whether or not she can meet that expectation, it's role model behavior that your child can mirror and carry forth into their own friendships and relationships. The earlier the start the better...

Uhm, is it possible that she has a personality disorder? She sounds a bit narcissistic just based on the "you need to learn to take criticism better" quip. Yep, grew up with two narcissists who constantly put everyone else down, and expected, even told everyone that it was their problem that they couldn't take constant criticism!

I know that guilt feeling all too well. It doesn't really get better while you're in the presence of the disordered person. They just wear you down and blame you for everything. My father went over 35 years playing the same game you are playing right now..... "If only I do this, then everything will be ok...." Well, it never works that way. You can NEVER do enough to make these people happy.

Maybe you should visit Out of the Fog? It may be a big eye opener.

when the shoe is on the other foot then she can see what she's doing to you. have her walk in your shoes one day and criticize her every move like she does you and see how it feels

People who are critical are excruciatingly insecure and feel the need to control;. I recommend the book that saved my life: THe Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.

Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud is an excellent resource.

"handle criticism better" That is typical; she doesnt want to own her behavior and wants you to tolerate her verbal abuse. yes, therapy is the answer....by yourself; I am guessing she wont go because she doesnt think she has a problem.

Again, thank you for replies. These really help me out to take a different view on whole situations.

healingme4me - I was actually looking at this bolded bit as well. It makes me think why I always try to take some blame and try to justify her actions. Because quite frankly - I've looked into the past and hardly see any wrongdoing on my side. I can admit I wasn't fantastic partner - but here we again - wasn't good measuring it in her standards. Funny enough and took her standards as a universal one. That is I didn't see that some traits I have would be actually seen as positive ones by other women (such as being responsible with money).

As for treating her the same way - tried this before - she cannot stand the behavior I'm only returning - but I doubt she even realize I copy her. She just doesn't see it.

I guess I will seek help for myself - it's time to understand why I've end up in this kind of relationship in the first place. It must be something down to my childhood which was far from perfect.

Anyway, thanks again for replies - it's a huge eye opener.

I agree with Chipper Monkey -- visiting Out of the Fog may be a real eye opener. It was for me when I started to question why I formed relationships with the kind of people I did.

Your wife may have been raised in an environment where communication was basically criticism. I know I was raised that way. She may literally not know how to communicate any other way. Then when you call her on it, she becomes upset and confused. Invite your wife to go to counseling with you. You two have a communication problem, and it can be improved. Even if she is resistant (and saying "oh, no it is all your problem") you can impress upon her that you need her help in solving 'your' problem. If she refuses to go or refuses to go again after the first session, keep going yourself.

Even if you split, your child still needs two parents who can communicate with each other and the child--it is that important important. I hope things improve.

i hope things get better for you