[mimag33]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months now. She is 31 with four kids from her only marriage and I am 28 with no kids, never been married. Our relationship is near perfect, like we were made for each other in every aspect. The love of my life, neither of us has ever felt like this about anyone, her not even her ex husband. She can't have any more kids cause her body can't take a sixth pregnancy (she lost her second baby) but this is our ONLY issue. I want a baby, and have even asked about a surrogate mother (which she emphatically replied NO WAY). I am the last of my family to pass on our name, not that that's important, but it kind of is to me. But I also always wonder what our baby would look like, how smart they'd be, how creative or annoying or hyperactive they'd be and it depresses me that I'll never know. I'm not the kind of guy to just knock some girl up. I want a kid with my girlfriend not some random girl. She says she wouldn't have a problem with it if we broke up so I could go find someone else that can have my kid and if I don't in a few years I can come find her again... ?!?!?! She's not a second place trophy she's my grand prize!!! She says she's not the right girl for me cause she can't give me everything I need, but she's given me so much more than anyone has ever given me, fulfills me more than anyone else could. I don't want to give her up just for a kid but I don't want to be resentful and depressed later in life because I never had one. What the hell should I do??

[glok]

Pleased to meet you, mimag33. Based on what you have said, I think there is going to be trouble if you stay with this woman. You seem to know that.

[Trippin2.0]

Children, agreeing on having them, not having them, and how to raise them, is one of the fundamentals of a relationship...

The others being, agreeing on fidelity, values, religion, etc.

My point? Well its very hard for couples to have a happy and healthy relationship when they disagree on the fundamentals. Because more often than not, its the few places where compromise isn't always possible.

From what you've posted, doesn't seem that the issue is that she can't have any more kids, but that she flat out doesn't want any.
Those are 2 vastly differing things, and spells trouble in the future... Resentment fosters quite easily.

Nowww, I'm not saying a good longterm relationship is impossible between the 2 of you. Buuut its gonna take a lot of work, probably more than your average couple.

My first suggestion is to find out the real reason she doesn't want any more babies.

Maybe if she shares the why behind her decision, it will be easier for you to understand, and in future maybe even accept.

Secondly... if talking about this openly and honestly doesn't work, and between the 2 of you, you can't find a compromise ( like the surrogate option you mentioned) well then I believe you two should attend couples counselling to see if this relationship is worth persuing in the long run.

[hvert]

Can you adopt her kids and give them your last name? It sounds like you will have a healthy dose of fatherhood even if you don't have a kid together!

[i dont matter]

Start by marrying her. Then talk about babies.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by i dont matter

Start by marrying her. Then talk about babies.

Marriage complicates and exacerbates pre-existing issues, it doesn't fix them.

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Marriage complicates and exacerbates pre-existing issues, it doesn't fix them.

Maybe, but the total lack of even reference to marriage and long-term commitment speaks to living in a bit of a fantasyland. You've dated her only 6 months, aren't talking about marriage, but jumping to the baby issue. The woman already has 4 children. I am guessing she doesn't want any more children, natural, adopted, or otherwise. She's done. I don't blame her honestly.

[~Christina]

If you must have a child in your life to pass your name onto and she doesnt want anymore children then sounds like a dead end for the relationship .

[brainhi]

It's great to have an amazing experience with a woman you are crazy about....but the not wanting children is a huge issue. In time you will resent it/her. IMO she was understanding to let you go find what you need. I'm sure that was very difficult for her to do...many would have lied to keep you.

I never had children and knew I did not want to have them. I was always honest about that from the getgo.

[mimag33]

We are totally open and honest and I should have put more detail on why she can't. She has had 5 pregnancies, all high risk pregnancies. Her doctor is a high risk doctor that was completely surprised she even made it through the last pregnancy. Her family are all small boned women, her sister lost so much blood on her last (5th) birth she almost died, her cousin also had 5 pregnancies and her 5th left her bleeding on her bathroom floor so weak she couldn't pick up a phone to call for help. Luckily her husband came home in time... anyway, I know she can't, and even if she agreed to it I do NOT want her on the verge of death to just give me a baby so I'd be happy. I'm not sure her kids' father (which we won't get into how abusive, manipulative, shot his gun at her even with their 3 yr old in the house he is) would allow me to adopt his kids. He still says it's his house, his wife, his kids. He hates that "I'm sleeping with his wife and raising his kids" he tells her. I feel like I'd just be dad number 2 though I'd be spending the 95% of the time with them. I don't know if they could love me like their dad, even if they say they wish I was their dad. When they get older and understand I'm not their biological dad, what kind of things are they gonna feel towards me? Any stepchildren here that could give me a clue?

[mimag33]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

Maybe, but the total lack of even reference to marriage and long-term commitment speaks to living in a bit of a fantasyland. You've dated her only 6 months, aren't talking about marriage, but jumping to the baby issue. The woman already has 4 children. I am guessing she doesn't want any more children, natural, adopted, or otherwise. She's done. I don't blame her honestly.

I didnt mention our conversation on marriage because it really was a long post as it was.... besides, she has 4 children to think about. to wait to talk about this until marriage is a horrible idea. if it's a big issue it should be talked about before everyone has the fantasy of a real family, only to have it crash down after investing so much love and devotion to each other.

[Trippin2.0]

You say she can't have kids, fair enough I understand, my sister can't have anymore either it will kill her.

But my sister is open to surrogacy, as she wants another child, even though she can't physically carry one.

So that's why I said your gf doesn't want anymore kids, because she's not even considering other avenues of having another child.

And that's perfectly ok too. I only have one child and don't want anymore. The stars would have to be aligned perfectly for me to even just consider having another baby. Lucky for me my bf knows and accepts this.

[unaluna]

Time to man up and accept reality. Life isnt always easy. You dont always get what you want. Im sorry but i agree with the other posters - you probably should move on. Why are you getting involved in this couple's drama? Why the need to save her? And yet the fantasy to sacrifice her at the same time? Get therapy.

[brainhi]

I was a stepchild and ADORED my stepmothers (2). My dad was an alcoholic and my mom's mental illness made her incapable of taking care of us......
But when my dad left these women.... I was devastated. He let go of them but
I kept them in my life.

I see you understand the horrible things your girlfriend went through. Be careful about being the "knight in shining armor....that can wear off. It would be hard to know at the age you are right now how you are going to feel later if you do not have your own children. The relationship is very new yet. No one has to make big life decisions right away.

[Slamjammer]

Is she as fixated on you, as you are on her? Really? She already has 4 kids in her life, so it's easy to understand that the LAST thing she wants or needs is another one. Also, as been pointed out, you've only known her 6 months and all you can talk about is kids, kids, kids....no mention of marriage. Perhaps you see a child as a way of "marking your territory".

Look....this lady is smart enough not to have children with you. You want kids, you need a plan "B". What is it?

[mimag33]

We HAVE talked about marriage. I just didn't mention it in the original post, have in the 3rd post of mine. And she is as fixated on me as I am on her. She wishes I'd have proposed by now but she is one to jump in to things, the way she was raised. And I was raised to give things time, and make sure it's the right decision before jumping into it. I have known her and her kids for a year and have only been dating 6 months. Anyway, we are totally in love. We both feel like the relationship is near perfect... we're both honest, open, loyal, attracted to each other completely, completely shared interests. She respects my views and I respect hers. Our few fights are more discussions than fights and we understand each other. we both feel like people search for what we have their whole lives and half don't find it. This is the ONLY issue we have. I know you have to sacrifice for what you want, and I know it'd be my decision to stay if I don't have kids, so it wouldn't harbor resentment towards her since I'm responsible for my own life and decisions. I'm just at a point where I feel like the 2nd dad. And even though their real dad only takes them 4 days a month and mostly leaves them with his parents, I don't know if they'd love me as dad as apposed to love me as mike. P.s. we are on a break right now as of today for. Few weeks with no communication so I can think without seeing her to cloud my thoughts with emotions, and so she knows I've had this time away to think about things thoroughly. And I'm not trying to be the knight in shining armor. She deals with their drama, I'm only there for support. She is very independent, which I love, and I let her talk with him as much as she needs, and she takes care of that situation. I don't have a thing to do with that drama.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by mimag33

. I'm not sure her kids' father (which we won't get into how abusive, manipulative, shot his gun at her even with their 3 yr old in the house he is) would allow me to adopt his kids. He still says it's his house, his wife, his kids. He hates that "I'm sleeping with his wife and raising his kids" he tells her. I feel like I'd just be dad number 2 though I'd be spending the 95% of the time with them. I don't know if they could love me like their dad, even if they say they wish I was their dad. When they get older and understand I'm not their biological dad, what kind of things are they gonna feel towards me? Any stepchildren here that could give me a clue?

How they feel for you, will depend on your personal relationship with each of them. Have a positive relationship, expect positive feelings, negative expect negative. I've been on both sides of the stepparent equation, as far as having them, in my life.
Of course, fostering a child's relationship with their biological parent, is in the best interests of the children. He may have been abusive to their mother, but unless he's abusing them, they'll feel deep affection for their father, typically.
How long ago, did she divorce? She's just brought a man, into her home, and there's deal breaking uncertainty? Don't mean to sound harsh, but what was the rush for you to move in there? There's a fair amount of trauma recovery for battered women to go through. He's still calling her his wife...sounds like the break was recent, imo.

A child with her, sounds risky. The desire to carry on your bloodline and surname is a HUGE Deal!!!!

And, surrogacy is complicated and Expensive, it's not unusual for women to turn down such an idea.

And, asking her to raise a fifth child....dunno, I have three, there's the burn out effect on top of aging and add complications to the pregnancy, hmm...

She has a mature and rational response to you, there...

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

[mimag33]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

He may have been abusive to their mother, but unless he's abusing them, they'll feel deep affection for their father, typically.
How long ago, did she divorce? She's just brought a man, into her home, and there's deal breaking uncertainty? Don't mean to sound harsh, but what was the rush for you to move in there? There's a fair amount of trauma recovery for battered women to go through. He's still calling her his wife...sounds like the break was recent

Not physically abusive to them, but she says he was always yelling and throwing things at or around them. At first even if it was her fault like breaking a plate, he'd take it out on the kids. Then after the 2nd year, he took it all out on all of them. I don't live there. I only come over on my days off and the kids love me. Tell me they wish I was their dad. Her oldest daughter, 12, tells her he's just as bad when they're over there as he was when he was home. They are glad she divorced him cause now they have me.

They divorced right before I met her a year ago, she and the kids stayed in a women's shelter for a couple weeks while he moved out. Weird part is I met him with her after they divorced, he wanted to be my friend cause he liked me and thought I was a good guy. Then he mentioned a few times to her that she should date me.... what was that about?

[blur]

she and her kids, all 4 of them, are a package deal. if you can't love them like your own then i'd go find someone else.

[eskielover]

I personally think the thing about having to carry on your family name is OVERRATED. If you have a woman who cares as deeply about you as you do her & her kids adore you & wish you were their father......to throw that all away for some overrated masculine gotta carry on the family name.....is just truly SAD......throwing all that way for something like that....& who knows what you will end up with if you choose that option.

Whether he would give up his kids to allow you to adopt them....well, who knows if he's that arrogant.....you commented in one of your posts that he shot at her with her young 3 year old at the time?????

Maybe you can't adopt them at this point in their life legally, but you can be more of a father to them than their biological sperm doner has been & honestly that's the most important thing in a childs life is to have a good role model to base their life on.....& it does have more impact......& who knows...maybe after they are of age, they can allow you to adopt them in name after their sperm doner is out of the picture.

Just think you are throwing away something good that you have for the desire to have a child by someone you don't even know & don't even know that you will meet anyone that you love enough to want to marry & have kids with.

[Moreira]

Originally Posted by mimag33

She says she wouldn't have a problem with it if we broke up so I could go find someone else that can have my kid and if I don't in a few years I can come find her again... ?!?!?!

She really said something like that?! Sounds like trouble...
I don't think it's fair to resent someone because they are incapable of having children. Are there literally health reasons or does she just hate the idea? She already has 4 kids. She probably isn't interested in having another. Understandable. Four kids is a lot, but I think compromise here is important. I would suggest maybe seeing a doctor with her and getting an opinion about it.

I will say that reading that statement about her saying something about breaking up so you could find someone else leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Really? Who says something like that to someone they want to spend their life with? Was that comment driven by insecurity, guilt... lack of care?...

[mimag33]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Just think you are throwing away something good that you have for the desire to have a child by someone you don't even know & don't even know that you will meet anyone that you love enough to want to marry & have kids with.

That's how I feel. But I still have this nagging animalistic voice in the back of my head like are your genes not good enough? You'll never have that joy of unconditional love from being the only dad. Nobody could truly say they get that from you, or they take after you cause they will always be his kids. They won't love you the same as they'd love their own father....

[brainhi]

It will be what ever type of "fatherhood" you make it. I have no children...I am thrilled to work with families and their children - my needs are met...I do not keep thinking what it would be like to have my own or if I am missing out. You are keeping that nagging feeling alive.

[mimag33]

Originally Posted by Moreira

She really said something like that?! Sounds like trouble...
I don't think it's fair to resent someone because they are incapable of having children. Are there literally health reasons or does she just hate the idea? She already has 4 kids. She probably isn't interested in having another. Understandable. Four kids is a lot, but I think compromise here is important. I would suggest maybe seeing a doctor with her and getting an opinion about it.

I will say that reading that statement about her saying something about breaking up so you could find someone else leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Really? Who says something like that to someone they want to spend their life with? Was that comment driven by insecurity, guilt... lack of care?...

It's both. Her doctor told her before her last kid she should be finished cause she is so small boned, and was amazed she made it through the last one. But she also says she can't mentally raise another kid. She says (before we were together) that she's had dreams of getting pregnant again and giving birth then jumping off a cliff... which i can understand not wanting a 5th child. I really can. I mean I never wanted more than 2 children, 3 at most. but that would be under perfect circumstances.

As far as her statement about breaking up, I think it was out of guilt, plus her "saving my child's life". I wouldn't say that to someone I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but she has this tendency to try and martyr herself for others.

What makes it more difficult is that over the last couple months it's been back and forth with her, saying she would have my kid if she could stay home for the first 2 years with it, then back to how she's so glad she's done having kids, and then how she'd have my kid so she wouldn't lose me even if she would be putting her life at risk... I really agreed with this break, not only for me to get my head straight and really figure what's more important to me, but also for her to really think about things, and what's worth what so she doesn't do this back and forth thing. It really is like giving me hope, then dashing it away, then a little hope, then gone again.

I really want things to work out with her, I feel like I'd have the perfect relationship/life with her if I could just have a kid with her.

(I hope everything I've said doesn't paint her in a manipulative, mean form. because she is the most thoughtful, caring, loving, happy woman i know) really.

[hvert]

There's no easy answer to this problem. Neither of you are bad or manipulative. You really want a kid. She doesn't want another. You both have valid reasons for your preferences. This kind of conflict has ended many otherwise perfect relationships. If either one of you gives in just to keep the relationship, the resentment will grow until it overwhelms the relationship.