[Gemini27]

Well first a bit about myself and my marriage. My husband and i are in our late 20's and we have been together for 8 years, married for 6. We have a very good life and have always been pretty happy in general. We enjoy the same hobbies, have the same goals and dreams and care alot for one another. We do not have any children, but they were part of the plan. Atleast, the original plan we had.

About a year ago, I met Dan, a new co worker, and was immediately attracted. It was obvious that Dan was attracted to me too. Over the next few weeks Dan and I became close friends (this was new and unexpected to me, I am not the type to get close to other guys or even deliberately flirt). It started with workplace flirting, then texting and long phone calls just talking about anything and everything. As I began to develop feelings for Dan, I found myself pushing myself away from my husband which was not hard to do when he started working nights and I worked days. Dan became my closest friend and we confided to each other that we both had feelings for one another. While my marriage was still "average" at home and my husband and I were getting along just fine I found myself telling Dan that things were rocky and falling apart when in reality they weren't. I think maybe I just wanted to justify reasons for my behavior and make Dan feel ok about wanting me in return. Dan dated a couple women throughout the year, but in the end I was the only one he really wanted to be with, and we still continued to talk. When his last relationship failed we began the physical part of the affair and the feelings got much deeper. We planned to start a life together and after weeks of worrying about the decision I decided to tell my husband I was having an affair. At this point my head and heart were both completely confused as to what I wanted, but I told him anyways. That was 3 weeks ago, and these have been the worst 3 weeks of my life. My husband is absolutely devastated and heart broken but refuses to give up on our marriage. I am still living at home, and having second thoughts about every decision I have made. My husband is willing to do everything he can to forgive me, and only wants to be with me regardless of all of my lies, unfaithfulness and hurt I've put him thru. He is truly the best human being that I know, he's honest, loyal, loving and kind and I don't deserve him. My heart is torn right now, I wish it was as easy as letting go of Dan, and falling back in love with my husband and living happily ever after. But my feeings for Dan are genuine too, and I would be heart broken to break my ties with him and never know what could have been. When I think of never seeing or speaking to him again, I physically feel sick. But when I think of losing my husband, devastating our families, going thru a divorce and starting over on life I'm completely afraid. I know these feelings are normal, and I know that whatever path I choose I will make the best and give it my all.
As I read this post myself, it sounds like I'm an awful person. I'm not thinking very highly of myself this year, and I truly don't want to hurt anyone. If anybody has had a similar experience out there, I guess I'm just looking for some insight or someone to listen. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about my feelings because I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my actions.

I am sorry you are hurting. And I am equally sorry your loved ones / partners are hurting.

The one thing I would definitely recommend is finding a good T for yourself so you can work through your feelings. And perhaps get to a deeper understanding of why this situation occurred.

I should think making any big life decisions right now would be virtually impossible considering your state of mind. And it would not be fair to anyone to try to figure this out on your own.

Best wishes to you please let us know how you are doing.

Your honesty is flabbergasting. Thank you for sharing this with us, and I am certain no one thinks you are an awful person. This can happen and does happen to anyone, regardless of how strong we think our relationships are or how moral we tell ourselves we have become. I have no advice for you, but I just wanted to tell you you are not alone. Your husband does sound like the man you should be with. I wonder if Dan would be so forgiving? It is a huge risk. If you haven't already had a crappy life full of tragedies etc. maybe this is going to be the 'big one' for you (or the first big/negative event) If you are fragile, I wouldn't recommend rocking the boat if you can't swim. You can talk to me anytime my friend. Yours truly, Lightbulb7Seven

[adam_k]

I've been on your husband's side if this, and I can say it is pretty devasting. My wife had a couple online affairs and he end result is the same. She started becoming distant, not wanting to do as much together etc. Eventually I caught her. The first time I blamed myself. I was really depressed and withdrawn from her at the time. I think it was so devastating it was just easier to blame myself and fall into a deeper depression than deal with it. It happened again a couple years later. This time I was hurt and wanted nothing to do with her anymore. I almost moved out, but we finally talked after a week and I agreed to try and work things out. Trust is a hard thing to rebuild but I think it can be done with work and good communication. I think there was something missing, maybe you didn't know what and that is why you pursued this releationship. I think the key is to start talking and figuring this out. I think you will definetly have to choose and cut ties or divorce one of these men. I dont think any healthy releationship is bred from deciet and it sounds like your husband loves you dispute your actions. Don't throw yourself on the preverbial bonfire. There is hope to work things out if both of you are willing.

For me I have constant doubts about my marriage. Some days I want things to work out, but other I dont care what happens. Having depression doesn't help things either, but I have a glimmer of hope things will work out. I wish you luck with things and I hope you find a way to deal with this.

[Gemini27]

Thanks alot for your insight, it helps to hear things from this point of view. Communication is definitely key to a healthy relationship, not one of my stronger points unfortunately. Best of luck to you and your wife, I really hope you can work through your difficulties as well. Thanks again.

Originally Posted by adam_k

I've been on your husband's side if this, and I can say it is pretty devasting. My wife had a couple online affairs and he end result is the same. She started becoming distant, not wanting to do as much together etc. Eventually I caught her. The first time I blamed myself. I was really depressed and withdrawn from her at the time. I think it was so devastating it was just easier to blame myself and fall into a deeper depression than deal with it. It happened again a couple years later. This time I was hurt and wanted nothing to do with her anymore. I almost moved out, but we finally talked after a week and I agreed to try and work things out. Trust is a hard thing to rebuild but I think it can be done with work and good communication. I think there was something missing, maybe you didn't know what and that is why you pursued this releationship. I think the key is to start talking and figuring this out. I think you will definetly have to choose and cut ties or divorce one of these men. I dont think any healthy releationship is bred from deciet and it sounds like your husband loves you dispute your actions. Don't throw yourself on the preverbial bonfire. There is hope to work things out if both of you are willing.

For me I have constant doubts about my marriage. Some days I want things to work out, but other I dont care what happens. Having depression doesn't help things either, but I have a glimmer of hope things will work out. I wish you luck with things and I hope you find a way to deal with this.

[Totalfilmy]

things with dan might be looking great for now, but eventually the passion and love will settle down and you might realize later that you made a big mistake. while your husband's love is unconditional and he is a better human being. it would be better if you stopped all communication with both the men for a few weeks to find out what exactly you want. out of the two men, the one who loves you will wait for you and you will have your answer.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Totalfilmy

things with dan might be looking great for now, but eventually the passion and love will settle down and you might realize later that you made a big mistake. while your husband's love is unconditional and he is a better human being. it would be better if you stopped all communication with both the men for a few weeks to find out what exactly you want. out of the two men, the one who loves you will wait for you and you will have your answer.

Your wisdom is quite solomonic

Judgment of Solomon - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

OP - you are in a rather typical situation of being torn. You are not an awful person and the situation is typical. What is not typical is the reaction of the husband. So it seems to me that in the situation the husband wins but your feelings for the co-worker are valid as well. I would try Totalfilmy's approach.

[Bill3]

One thing to keep in mind is the standard thought that Dan, having demonstrated a willingness to enter into an affair with you, might well do that again if you were to divorce your husband and go with him.

[almostthere]

Don't be ashamed about having desires for another man that led to an affair. I'm a man that was married for thirty-four... I also, sorry to say, had an affair with another woman while being married to my ex-wife.

Please don't b ashamed to share ur experience as this is a common occurrence in our modern society and happens everyday, every waking moment... even as we speak it's happening to someone.

It's quite obvious to me that u are truly in love with this man who has provided u with something that was lacking in ur marraige. It also happened to me.... it happens to everybody... common everyday people as well as celebrity figures. All u have to do is listen to the news, or read a magazine... it happens to rich folks, poor folks, politicians, (look at former President Bill Clinton), and the list goes on.

When there is something lacking in a marraige it deprives us from the happiness and bliss we are led to believe should be a part of it. However, in most cases we become disillusioned and our human nature leads us to territory we should not travel too. In short we are looking for love and happiness no matter where it leads, or who we meet. Everyone desires to be happy and will do, say, anything to get there. Life is short and even though we make the wrong choices, and know the consequences, we still, as human beings pursue the desire for love and happiness no matter what the costs. It's strong, powerful, and overwhelming!!!

If u can save your marraige than give it a try if u think there is still a chance. If not then u should consider your options... whatever they may be...

I sincerely hope u the best and if u want to continue this conversation maybe we can become friends through this network and offer each other help.

Regards,

"almostthere"

Originally Posted by Gemini27

Well first a bit about myself and my marriage. My husband and i are in our late 20's and we have been together for 8 years, married for 6. We have a very good life and have always been pretty happy in general. We enjoy the same hobbies, have the same goals and dreams and care alot for one another. We do not have any children, but they were part of the plan. Atleast, the original plan we had.

About a year ago, I met Dan, a new co worker, and was immediately attracted. It was obvious that Dan was attracted to me too. Over the next few weeks Dan and I became close friends (this was new and unexpected to me, I am not the type to get close to other guys or even deliberately flirt). It started with workplace flirting, then texting and long phone calls just talking about anything and everything. As I began to develop feelings for Dan, I found myself pushing myself away from my husband which was not hard to do when he started working nights and I worked days. Dan became my closest friend and we confided to each other that we both had feelings for one another. While my marriage was still "average" at home and my husband and I were getting along just fine I found myself telling Dan that things were rocky and falling apart when in reality they weren't. I think maybe I just wanted to justify reasons for my behavior and make Dan feel ok about wanting me in return. Dan dated a couple women throughout the year, but in the end I was the only one he really wanted to be with, and we still continued to talk. When his last relationship failed we began the physical part of the affair and the feelings got much deeper. We planned to start a life together and after weeks of worrying about the decision I decided to tell my husband I was having an affair. At this point my head and heart were both completely confused as to what I wanted, but I told him anyways. That was 3 weeks ago, and these have been the worst 3 weeks of my life. My husband is absolutely devastated and heart broken but refuses to give up on our marriage. I am still living at home, and having second thoughts about every decision I have made. My husband is willing to do everything he can to forgive me, and only wants to be with me regardless of all of my lies, unfaithfulness and hurt I've put him thru. He is truly the best human being that I know, he's honest, loyal, loving and kind and I don't deserve him. My heart is torn right now, I wish it was as easy as letting go of Dan, and falling back in love with my husband and living happily ever after. But my feeings for Dan are genuine too, and I would be heart broken to break my ties with him and never know what could have been. When I think of never seeing or speaking to him again, I physically feel sick. But when I think of losing my husband, devastating our families, going thru a divorce and starting over on life I'm completely afraid. I know these feelings are normal, and I know that whatever path I choose I will make the best and give it my all.
As I read this post myself, it sounds like I'm an awful person. I'm not thinking very highly of myself this year, and I truly don't want to hurt anyone. If anybody has had a similar experience out there, I guess I'm just looking for some insight or someone to listen. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about my feelings because I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my actions.

[carolinaguy]

Originally Posted by almostthere

Don't be ashamed about having desires for another man that led to an affair. I'm a man that was married for thirty-four... I also, sorry to say, had an affair with another woman while being married to my ex-wife.

Please don't b ashamed to share ur experience as this is a common occurrence in our modern society and happens everyday, every waking moment... even as we speak it's happening to someone.

It's quite obvious to me that u are truly in love with this man who has provided u with something that was lacking in ur marraige. It also happened to me.... it happens to everybody... common everyday people as well as celebrity figures. All u have to do is listen to the news, or read a magazine... it happens to rich folks, poor folks, politicians, (look at former President Bill Clinton), and the list goes on.

When there is something lacking in a marraige it deprives us from the happiness and bliss we are led to believe should be a part of it. However, in most cases we become disillusioned and our human nature leads us to territory we should not travel too. In short we are looking for love and happiness no matter where it leads, or who we meet. Everyone desires to be happy and will do, say, anything to get there. Life is short and even though we make the wrong choices, and know the consequences, we still, as human beings pursue the desire for love and happiness no matter what the costs. It's strong, powerful, and overwhelming!!!

If u can save your marraige than give it a try if u think there is still a chance. If not then u should consider your options... whatever they may be...

I sincerely hope u the best and if u want to continue this conversation maybe we can become friends through this network and offer each other help.

Regards,

"almostthere"

Last I checked you are supposed to talk to your spouse about what is lacking in your relationship so both of you can work on it. I believe you can go with Dan if you want but your inability to communicate will eventually lead you to the same scenario. The grass is always greener on the other side. It sounds like you lacked needed attention, especially with your work schedules, and you let Dan fill that void. Now you have placed greater importance on his ability to make you feel wanted then the importance of remembering the love that led you to marry your husband. It was easier to hide from your husband and engage with Dan, then it would have been to just be honest with your husband. Now, you have most likely ruined your marriage. I think you will repeat this behavior if you do not seek help in learning why you are like this to begin with. It sounds like your husband is a good guy and if he had been given the opportunity to meet your needs he would have done so. You never game him that chance.

*Almost there....just wow.

Anyway, my feeling is, end one before you entertain another [unless two people enter a relationship which they agree is not exclusive]. Not fair, not adult, and if they will cheat - with - you they will cheat - on - you.

[May628]

Hi Gemini,

I know this is totally random since it's been over a year from when you first posted about your situation, but I am literally going through the same exact predicament right now and I was wondering what your outcome was. I've been with my husband for 6 years, been best friends with him for 15, and our 1 year marriage anniversary is this Saturday. I started having an emotional affair with my coworker about 5 months ago and I'm still struggling with it. We have since gotten physical, which obviously complicates things further. My husband knows that I have/had feelings and that I've kissed him, but doesn't know the real gory details of it all. I'm torn because I still love my husband and can't imagine my life with out him, but have these strong feelings for this man I work with. I just turned 28 and this is so uncharacteristic of me. I feel guilty all the time and know I have to make a decision one way or another, but just can't seem let to of either guy, and believe me I've tried to let go out my coworker. Not to mention that my coworker is completely head over heels in love with me, making my decision that much harder. Basically, no matter who I choose, I'm hurting someone in the end. It's killing me. I am not one to seek advice from a forum, but when I read your post after googling "affair with a coworker", I felt compelled to reach out and see if you had any advice for me. People keep telling me to do what makes me happy, but it's just not that simple because I don't know what will make me happy long term. The unknown scares me. Plus, as you alluded to, people are so quick to make judgments, especially if they haven't been in such a predicament. Any ways, I'd love to hear from you- what your ultimate decision was, if you are happy with it, struggles you had, any and all insight, etc. Thank you and I look forward to (hopefully) hearing from you.

Originally Posted by Gemini27

Well first a bit about myself and my marriage. My husband and i are in our late 20's and we have been together for 8 years, married for 6. We have a very good life and have always been pretty happy in general. We enjoy the same hobbies, have the same goals and dreams and care alot for one another. We do not have any children, but they were part of the plan. Atleast, the original plan we had.

About a year ago, I met Dan, a new co worker, and was immediately attracted. It was obvious that Dan was attracted to me too. Over the next few weeks Dan and I became close friends (this was new and unexpected to me, I am not the type to get close to other guys or even deliberately flirt). It started with workplace flirting, then texting and long phone calls just talking about anything and everything. As I began to develop feelings for Dan, I found myself pushing myself away from my husband which was not hard to do when he started working nights and I worked days. Dan became my closest friend and we confided to each other that we both had feelings for one another. While my marriage was still "average" at home and my husband and I were getting along just fine I found myself telling Dan that things were rocky and falling apart when in reality they weren't. I think maybe I just wanted to justify reasons for my behavior and make Dan feel ok about wanting me in return. Dan dated a couple women throughout the year, but in the end I was the only one he really wanted to be with, and we still continued to talk. When his last relationship failed we began the physical part of the affair and the feelings got much deeper. We planned to start a life together and after weeks of worrying about the decision I decided to tell my husband I was having an affair. At this point my head and heart were both completely confused as to what I wanted, but I told him anyways. That was 3 weeks ago, and these have been the worst 3 weeks of my life. My husband is absolutely devastated and heart broken but refuses to give up on our marriage. I am still living at home, and having second thoughts about every decision I have made. My husband is willing to do everything he can to forgive me, and only wants to be with me regardless of all of my lies, unfaithfulness and hurt I've put him thru. He is truly the best human being that I know, he's honest, loyal, loving and kind and I don't deserve him. My heart is torn right now, I wish it was as easy as letting go of Dan, and falling back in love with my husband and living happily ever after. But my feeings for Dan are genuine too, and I would be heart broken to break my ties with him and never know what could have been. When I think of never seeing or speaking to him again, I physically feel sick. But when I think of losing my husband, devastating our families, going thru a divorce and starting over on life I'm completely afraid. I know these feelings are normal, and I know that whatever path I choose I will make the best and give it my all.
As I read this post myself, it sounds like I'm an awful person. I'm not thinking very highly of myself this year, and I truly don't want to hurt anyone. If anybody has had a similar experience out there, I guess I'm just looking for some insight or someone to listen. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about my feelings because I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my actions.