boyfriend wants me to take lie detector

we've been together for 2 years, friends for 6 years. I lied to him 2 years ago before we got together about stupid things. I finally came clean with the lies 2 months after first admitting I lied. I promised him then that I would never lie again and I haven't. I understand the lack of trust makes any relationship difficult, yet we still get ended up getting together after I lied. I have spent the past 2 years in ABSOLUTE HELL. I believe he is NPD and i've gone through all sorts of abuse trying to show him that i'm not a liar or a bad person. 2 years ago i made a mistake by lying to my friend. I want out of this relationship. I have begged and pleaded to break up, but he won't let that happen. He says he loves me. He's trying to change his verbally abusive ways, however there are fundamental things that I just don't want in a man and he doesn't accept that. He has told me that in order to trust me and so we can "move on" he wants me to take a lie detector test. I have nothing to hide so that's fine. However I can't live with that in a long term relationship. I want to have kids one day, what am I going to tell them "before we had you, your daddy called me a fat c*** and didn't believe a word i said, so I had to get strapped in and wired up so I proved to him I wasn't lying". Not something I want in my story of life. Everyday I get asked if I'm "doing" someone else, everyday I get indirectly accused of cheating. EVERYDAY. We've been talking about this lie detector for over a year and a half. I've never once said I won't take it. I have nothing to hide. But he doesn't understand the emotional consequences it takes on me. What am I, on freakin' Maury Povich or Jerry Springer? I want to break up with him, he won't let me. I hate myself, I hate him and I hate this relationship. It has completely destroyed me.
Does anyone think that passing a lie detector test will help a relationship? I wonder what the statistics are of relationships staying together after going through one. I want out regardless.

If you pass a lie detector test, he'll just want you to take another one, or truth serum or something else to raise the ante. He's trying to control you and no matter how much you give in, it will never be enough.

You can end this relationship if you really want to. Break up, walk away, don't take his calls. If he threatens you, call the police, get a restraining order, get yourself free.

No one deserves to be treated as you're being treated, even if you did tell some lies two years ago, before you were a couple. This man is not worthy of you.

If you can't believe that, then please -- please please please -- find a therapist to help you, call a domestic abuse hotline or the toll-free National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. Confidentiality is respected. They know what resources are available in your local area and they can advise you on the best way to get away while keeping yourself safe.

You are being systematically emotionally abused. It wears a person down to the point where you even think you need his permission to end the relationship. Please reach out for help today. You are not his property and you don't need his permission to leave him. You don't deserve this mistreatment.

I don't understand how he is keeping you in the relationship. if you want out, get out. leave him. stop seeing him. stop going out with him, if you are living together move out, get a restraining order if necessary. you are right that this is not a healthy relationship for you to be in. take care.

If you do this, and stay, you'll feel more resentment than I imagine you already must?

He sounds like he needs therapy. To deal with his, anger and insecurities.

What leaves you unable to physically walk away?

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Don't get caught up in his game. The Verbally Abusive Relationship is a book which I feel should be read by everyone on the planet.

Simply stay away from him; sounds easy and I know he will continue to beg, plead, etc., etc.....see a therapist, if you need help getting away. He is controlling, manipulative and excruciatingly INsecure and will continue to test and play mental games with you. This is also called, "gaslighting." Get help to get out.

I stayed for 31 years with a controller/abuser; I wish I had the knowledge back then.

Break it off.. It will only get worse ... Please see a therapist to help you work through all the abuse you have/are going through.

thank you all so much for your help. this just confirms what i already know. easier said then done on leaving him. anyone in an abusive relationship, or one with an NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) may understand how seemingly impossible it is. at this point i have to move away without anyone's knowledge. I'm just trying to cope until that can happen.
I can't believe i have allowed myself to end up in this situation. now i get to be strapped in with electrodes. the humiliation.
i wish i could easily break up with him and move on with my life.

Is he threatening you, if you break it off with him?

I do get, full well, the easier said than done. Such a shame, victims are forced into hiding, address confidentiality involves giving up the right to vote. It's like being in a witness protection program from the mafia..,

Hopefully your domestic violence shelter is helping you to find a new beginning, states away?

I can totally relate to it (though on my end, I was never asked to do the lie detection - although it may have escalated to it).
My parents intervened for me when I couldn't do it. So please, just end it somehow. It will only get worse.
Cut him off completely in all ways possible and then you'll know as to what you've missed out on during the time you spent holed up with him.
As for the statistics, I dunno but, I am pretty sure that he won't leave you. It will keep going on till your last breath if you don't end it yourself.

Agree completely.

Trust and respect are fundamental to a healthy relationship. You have neither.

I am confused (which does not take much)......

You want out of a relationship?? Well then you are out of it. It takes two to make any relationship work. If either one wants out - then the relationship is over. Period.

Now if he does not want to accept that - then he has a problem, not you.

Lastly, if I was hearing you correctly - if he will not "let" you end the relationship - then run like hell from him. Not only is that creepy, I promise you he is dangerous. No joke. Cut him off cold and get a restraining order if you need to.

Best wishes to you.

It sounds like your boyfriend is suffering from some major insecurity issues. It is not my place to say how you should live your life but I think it is only going to get worse with time and you should leave while you can.

butterflies - you have stated since May in other forums on here that you have tried to leave your boyfriend cause he has NPD - but you haven't given all the information on why your leaving has been basically unsuccessful. just a few ?s - which you can answer here or just to yourself. how old are you two - is he older than you? do you stay w/ him cause he is providing financial support? you say your family doesn't understand why you do not leave - but what is the relationship your boyfrd has with your folks? - if he has one that is. what is his relationship w/ his folks - and what is your relationship w/ his folks - if you have one that is. have you ever talked w/ any of his folks to see if they can help you get away? do you know of any of his past girlfrds? - have you ever talked w/ any of them to find out how they got away? find out his relationship w/ his customers - even if he's a freelancer he must have some sort of social interactions to get good paying jobs. are there any lawsuits he's been in for breach of contract and/or payment issues? - - - there are many issues here you don't fully discuss and/or investigate. the ONLY ONE who has the POWER to leave this relationship is YOU. - but you need to have better weapons for your defense and better information to be used by you for your offense and to put him on the defensive. to be asked to take a lie detector test for the continuation of a relationship is abuse and to go along w/ it means you have lost your will of self-determination. if you go along w/ the detector test you may never get out of this. and yes - YOU CAN say NO! find out all the info you can on him - then sucker-punch him with the truth! - you'll find out he's a sniveling little brat who probably has an actual ego the size of pin-head. - that's when YOU REQUIRE that he goes to therapy. if you truely love the guy, you both need therapy - but he needs to know you are off-limits till he at least shows that he is listening to you. - good luck.

I once believed I wouldn't even begin to be able to leave a high conflict, highly dysfunctional marriage, until my youngest was in school, full time. Which would have brought this, to this past September 2013. I felt financially trapped, in being at home, raising three young kids, now 11,8,7, without a vehicle and without savings.
I took the risk, took the plunge, my sanity and safety mattered more than calculating finances...

If there's true desire to leave, then there's a way.

Been divorced four years, annulled two. Has been rocky, yes, worth it, yes.

If it's pets, what about pleading online for a temp home, believe that's an available resource, if searched...

no way would i take a lie detector test! wtf? what did I commit a murder or something?..that is the most ridiculous request i have ever heard in a relationship, you don't need that crap..really you don't.

i suggest you end it! asap!

I cannot recommend highly enough the Penn & Teller: B---s---! episode on lie detectors from Season 7. Shows exactly how unreliable they are, how easily they can be defeated, and how abusive the examiners can be. Don't let your BF put you through this.

I would tend to disagree with DSM-3r. If you truly lied about something that was important to him and then he found out then it is your responsibility to help comfort him regarding these issues. Frankly speaking I think the testing is not a bad idea if you've struggled with this for that period of time. Yea it's not conventional and you might be a bit humiliated but in knowing that it will never keep people together, if you behaved deceitfully and have nothing else to hide then I think it's a good idea that you go thru with it. For him to offer such an opportunity to show your honesty over the last 2 years, I would almost think that you'd be anxious to show your new commitment to him and yourself.
Honesty always is best,
JB

Asking you to take a lie detector test is a childish request.

Maybe this is a reminder to all of us that once we are found to be deceitful, it takes many childish acts to pull ourselves from the slop. I've always felt myself that If one lies, it is them and them alone that open themselves up to equally wicked and hurtful treatment. Let's face it...those that don't lie don't tend to be asked to take lie detector testing.
Honesty rules!

DSM-3R~ please realize too that there are professionals on all fields of study. And I'm discouraged to hear you explain things in such black and white thinking. I think the important thing is want to stress to Butterflyflies would be that irrespective of the reason there are professional polygraphers that are not abusive. At one time when such technology was used only in murder trials, there are many corporations even in my city that do a fair amount of this type of testing for this type of thing and other infidelity reasons. Quite honestly I was given a polygraph once and because I had the foresight to seek a certified examiner, it turned out to be a non-confrontational and interesting learning experience.

If you read the original OP you will see that she is in a abusive relationship.. She needs to safely get away from him not take a lie detector test.
Anyone asking or demanding someone take a lie detector test in a relationship doesnt need to be in a relationship

I hope she has been able to get away

Just because he isn't hitting you doesn't mean he is not being abusive. Abuse takes many forms. Of course he doesn't want you to leave the relationship; you are his puppet on a string.

Click on the wheel to enlarge for easier reading.

Thank you everyone for all of your input. Some were helpful, some made me think, some made me attempt to see another view, all were eye opening.
An update:
I did take the lie detector test. I had/have nothing to hide or lie about so that wasn't the issue. My problem with it is the fact that I had to get strapped in and answer questions that I've answered literally a thousand times before. When we went, I had not very much to say to anyone. The man explained the process, even previewed the questions with me before we started. He then hit the start button (or whatever it is) and then started the questions. apparently only a certain number of questions get asked, I think it was 6 questions (could be 4, it's all a blur). I have NEVER felt such humiliation. 38 years old and having a complete stranger asking me about touching anyone's genitals or someone touching mine made me burst into tears. Not tears of being caught lying (because i'm not) but the embarrassment and humiliation. And he asked them over and over and over again. there was 3 stages to the test. The tester even lied himself to "put me under duress" and told me that the lines were inconsistent, and that my fingers were sweating and my breathing was out of control when he asked certain questions. All bull****. I was crying throughout the test and it was a horrible experience. I passed it by the way. The tester told me there were no inconsistencies, that I passed it 100% no problem. I cried the whole 1 hour drive home. I hate him for doing this to me. I understand I lied, and as JackBlack pointed out, when someone is caught lying, then they somehow bring on "wicked" treatment. That's a load of crap. I've been lied to plenty JackBlack, and guess what? I never treated anyone wickedly because of it. I've either worked it out with the other person, and went on with life (and yes, to sometimes be lied to again), or that person is no longer in my life. This person that I lied to 2 years ago, has severe trust issues. I admit I should have never lied to him. If he was the true friend I thought he was, I would not have had to. But that's not how I saw it then, and I made bad choices. I've spent the past 2 years trying to make up for it, show that I'm not a liar, and that I am a good person. This person has put me through absolute hell.
Since the test, he has said there has been some trust gained, but I don't believe it. I still get questioned everyday about infidelity. He says the test only proved that I had not cheated, but that I could be cheating currently. Ah, a technicality.
Whoever said that he will ask for more tests, you are correct! Sure enough, "well, if you are not lying, then you can take another test". I told him no. It was he that chose the questions to ask, not me, not the tester. HIM. I told him he should have ask broader questions then. I'm not going through it again.
Obviously I'm still with him. WHY? WHY WHY? I don't know. He went at me verbally again, and I didn't speak to him for a week. But that was 2 weeks ago. Things are calm for now. Thank you to whoever posted the chart, I'm familiar with it. That's been my life for 2 years. I am at a loss as to why I've allowed this to happen for as long as it has.
Thank you everyone, when I had moments here and there, I would read your answers to remind myself that there are others out there who have experienced similar things, and it gets me through the day. This is the first chance I've had to reply.
I'm looking for a therapist now who can help me, and maybe a doctor too, he can re-implant my backbone when I finally find it.

You'll never be the same again, will you?

Is it you are financially trapped in this relationship? Kids? Pets?

Hope therapy helps, but will it be fast enough?

He shamed you. I'm so sorry: hug:

Thank you healingme4me. No, I'm not financially trapped, no kids, no pets. My brain has me trapped. I can't find another explanation for it.
I've trapped myself.
He verbally berated me, and I didn't speak to him for a week. Then, I started thinking, what if I can't find someone else? (NOT that i'm looking), but i'm 38, what about a family? (my heart knows that he will not father my kids), but what if we can just get through this, maybe he'll be better? maybe our life can be better? if we can only get through this.
That's what's trapped me.
I even got the book everyone's been talking about, the one by Patricia Evans. But I keep thinking, well, I don't know if he's abusive outside of this situation. I lied, and now he yells horrible things at me, and then some. So, I don't know what he's like outside of this in a relationship. Is he abusive then too? Or only now because we have trust issues.
That is also what has me trapped.