What message is my husband trying to send?

Hello - my first post. I have been married for ten years, with two children. Husband and I have never really had the same sex drive (with maybe the exception of the early relationship). It has never really been a huge issue until recently. Husband had a vasectomy December 2013.

I would say that on average, we have intercourse 3 times/week. I do not feel that this is unusual or below average (in my opinion). Lately, however, I have felt my husband's attitude changing. He is starting to seem put off, moody, or seems to take it personally when I do not want to be intimate. He has also changed in other ways.

He never used to be one for much communication. He sends me several texts now, during the work day, about how he can't wait for the evening (he is expecting intimacy) which, I feel extremely pressured by. I feel like I am expected to do it at least every other day now, and I am so exhausted by these feelings. He is turning into someone that I no longer know, and it scares me. He has even, in the past week, started masturbating in front of me (or where I could tell what he was doing). I am not anti-masturbation, however, I do believe it is something to be done in private and the fact that he has done this out of the blue - frankly, it disturbs me. What is he trying to convey by doing this? Is he doing this to make me feel guilty that I am not taking care of his needs? Does he think that I get turned on my seeing that? I have no idea, and I am scared to bring it up, for fear that he will shut down and get defensive. This morning, in fact, I had to tell him to please not do that where others could see (i.e. the kids). Am I being unreasonable? PLEASE HELP!

Well that's way more than me. You shouldn't be scared to speak with your husband and he should be willing to communicate
Doing that where your children could see is not appropriate
find a time and place where you both feel relaxed. Say that you feel too much pressure with his texting and that you prefer something more spontaneous

Well it's difficult to say something being out of the context. As you describe it your husband seems to behave quite strangely, it's not normal such behaviour just out of the blue!

Your husband may have an age crisis but there may be more than you think and maybe not so negative. I'm a man and I can tell you that sex it is a big deal. Your husband may need it way more than you and he may have been satisfying himself alone to compensate, maybe with online porn. Don't get scared, nothing of bad in that, it's just to relax the stressed, for a man porn can be a turn on simply for the idea of sex, not because he really like those scary girls in there.
Anyway a man knows perfectly that it's not very healthy to jerk off in front of porn, at least from a moral point of view. So maybe he changed his mind and thought "why am I touching myself with this stuff when I have my wife who I like and I can do way better?", so he started coming into you being a bit more "sticky". Again, I consider this a good thing, he wants you to take full part in his sexual life and not to have just a role in it. So instead of being more romantic (what is probably what a woman would need to be turned on) he started behaving like a man would do: sharing frankly what he has in mind, and that is sex! He of course expect you to be glad of that, he wants you! But you got embarrassed of that and stepped back. Trust me that is something that can really break a man eventually. Not because of the lack of sex (because it's not the case) but because he sincerely expect you to get turned on and have amazing sex. By refusing him you make a damage and his energy is transformed into anger. He doesn't do it on purpose trust him, this can be proved by the fact that he tries over and over.

Long story short I think you should have great sex with him and stop worrying, by having sex he will calm down in a good way. But be careful, sex is not just penetration, if you go like "ok let's have sex" he will sense that you are doing it just for him and what you get it's only that he calm down till the day after because you really didn't switch off that flame inside him.

If you have an issue with sex than you should face the fact that you also have a problem. If not then just relax and go wild, the dirtier the better, don't be ashamed, sweat is just gonna help. By a dildo to use together, maybe even a strap-on, you may reveal parts of him you didn't know and he is just gonna love you more, even if he refuses it he will be amazed by you.

He is giving you the chance to become his dream, just go for it.

Thanks for the response - I tried talking last night after my post, and he basically just said there was "nothing wrong." Clearly, there is, because he ignored me all day...I asked him if he still wanted to be married to me and he said yes and that he loved me. I said that I don't understand what has changed recently. I am the same person, doing the same things that I have always done. I am pretty open with my feelings and I told him that I feel that he has changed, and why? He said that he didn't know. And that was that.

I'm sure the vasectomy isn't the root cause of his increased libido. Tell him, that women can be a bit different in needing a stronger emotional connection, and that his whipping it out constantly, to self gratify, isn't leaving you feeling any closer, but pushing you away.

I get what you mean not there's something wrong with masturbation it's he's not respecting your desire to not watch.

Life ebbs and flows and people do also (moods, interests, etc.). Sounds like your husband is feeling good sexually and wanting to share it and you are wanting what you already have. Do you ever play with/tease your husband about sex, initiate it, etc.? Text him back: "Sorry I am all out of plastic wrap so don't be expecting me to greet you at the door wrapped in nothing but!" From then on you will have a good "joke" and one or the other of you will buy the other Saran Wrap as a gift, etc. Beats flowers or candy, a shared laugh like that :-) The whole joke is that the husband looks at the wife who greets him at the front door after work dressed in nothing but the Saran Wrap and a bow and says, "What, leftovers again!"

Sexually, I think men are "simpler" than women and maybe your husband is using what he has/knows to get acknowledgement or attention from you and a little "excitement" into his life? I would change some responses around, think about my masturbation (you say you are not against but still have some reticence about it, want it to be private like going to the bathroom or something, like it is "dirty" in some way?) and maybe explore
"helping" him masturbating him instead of having sex, etc. I would see if I could learn to "play" with him and if that did not help the relationship open up some more so we were both enjoying it more?

He is the only one who can answer your questions. Maybe he would consider couples'counseling....if he understands this is important to you.

I had a vasectomy about 8 years ago I can say it does change you a little. It didn't increase my sex drive but It did make me feel a little insecure about myself. If he feels the same way I did he may be compensating by wanting to have sex more to prove his "manhood". It should pass in time but he probably needs to feel like he isn't less of a man then he was.

I know he's not, so do you and he but the mind can make you feel strange feelings.

I think there could be some good compromise. Find a way to talk about it - without rejection - let him know that you want to play...but you want a part in making the rules for fun. Then tell him what you want. Your brain will keep sex exciting - the more you spend time thinking about him seducing you or what ever you like - the more you will desire him. You have to keep it alive - when you are going to pick up the kids from school, or going to the store, or wherever - remember what he looked like when he got out of the shower that morning (or whatever makes you tick).
I think you "get it".... before we start triggering people lol.

Why did he have a Vasectomy ? Was it a measure that if he did there would be more sex for him ? He sounds like a " Nice Guy " acting out like a cry baby , silent treatment etc. Seems that you wont have to have sex with him anymore as he keeps "Jacking " off in front of you now , instead.

Have you checked his " Internet porn " activities lately ?

Just another thought on top of the others here....the vasectomy might have had the unintended consiquence of making him feel much more relaxed about sex. What I mean is, if it was done as a birth control measure, it might have had the benefit of him knowing he won't be starting any more kids with you, and that sex as often as he likes it, will be much more satisfying then previous, when he may have (unconsciously?) felt he was playing russian roulette. Women have the pill (which can be forgotten and fail) or other methods all of which can fail (excepting tubal ligation of course--which can, but rarely does fail) and men have condomns which can fail....but common thinking holds that a vasectomy is perminant and therefore 'freeing'.

Masturbating in front of you unexpectedly is odd, if he hasn't done so before, but he might be trying to see what turns you on (as it does turn on some women to watch)...of course, just ASKING would be better, but have you always had an open conversational sex life? If not, he may find it difficult to talk to you about experimentation.

Also, by asking him if something is wrong and then asking if he still loves/wants to be married to you (after he says nothing is wrong) sends a message to him that in your opinion, something IS wrong. He became silent, no doubt as a defensive mechansm. I'm not saying that's the right thing to do, but I certainly understand his motivation.

Marriage counselling might be a way to help him open up about what he's feeling, and what he wants, and a way for you to get answers without feeling you've done something wrong (and especially putting out there for him that you're feeling unhappy with him--because, trust me...that's what he took from your questions, even tho I'm pretty sure you didn't mean it that way). It's natural for you to feel concerned that you've done something wrong--but men (and women) when asked that type of question, automatically think THEY'VE done something wrong and rather than further the conversation, it more than likely shuts it down as both the questioner (accuser) and the one being questioned (accused) will automatically go to their respective corners to either pout, or lick self-inflicted wounds.

A counsellor can provide the objectivity you might need, to get past the awkwardness of the inquiry and hopefully make communication about this situation easier and more productive.

Good luck!

Thanks, everyone, for your responses! I have an update: We had a talk the other night, and he told me that he was feeling extreme anxiety because he thought that I didn't "need" him in that way. He thought that I was doing it "on my own" and didn't need him to do it for me. I basically told him that most women don't require it as much as men do, and sometimes, I just don't want to do it. I sometimes am tired, sometimes I may have other things I want to do, etc. He shouldn't take it so personally that I just plain don't want it as much as he does. He seemed to accept this for now, so we shall see if things improve! Thank you again!