I could use advice regarding maintaining a friendship with my former paramour.

To be clear, the former paramour I am referring to and I only had one sexual encounter. I do not mention this in an attempt to diminish the seriousness of the infidelity. However, I feel that the words “paramour” or “mistress” imply a long-term extramarital sexual relationship; this was not the case. I apologize if you find a reference to frequency crass, however I felt this detail may influence the advice I am requesting and therefore I thought it would be careless to exclude it.

To give you a little background on the relationship, my former paramour and I have been friends for a number of years, nearly a decade, and have always shared a mutual attraction. We almost dated once in college but she ended up getting back together with her ex and I started dating my now wife.

During my last bout of depression (from which I am still recovering), I made a terrible decision a slept with my friend. I did this for a number of reasons, none of which I am proud of, and nearly ruined our friendship and ended my marriage. I told my wife the night that it happened. It was never a secret from her.

I take full responsibility for the infidelity and I request that you keep any comments you may have regarding the infidelity itself to yourself. I am aware that I have made a terrible mistake. I am asking this question here because I believe this to be a safe space and I feel so much shame over my affair that I do not feel comfortable talking to anyone about it.

To keep things as short as possible, I will skip to the state of affairs now.

After months of working on ourselves and our relationship, my wife and I are in decent place. The affair is what made me realize that I needed help and gave me the motivation to go back into treatment for my depression. Our marriage is better than it has been in over a year.

The friendship however is suffering. I have seen my friend twice since our indiscretion and we have texted a handful of times. My friend started dating someone fairly quickly after sleeping with me and this relationship has recently ended (the two times I have seen her were once at the beginning of her new relationship to talk about the state of my depression and once since it ended to catchup).

My wife is supportive of whatever I decide regarding maintaining or ending the friendship. She trusts me, I have no idea why, and wants me to do what is best for me. However, she has expressed concerns with a pattern that she has noticed with the friendship. My friend is the type of person that defines themselves by the relationship they are in. She devotes her life to her partner. Needless to say, I only really see her when she is single. She was single and lonely when we almost dated in college and then dropped me when she got back together with her ex. She was single and lonely when the affair happened and then dropped me again, after learning the full extent of my depression and saying she would be there for me, when she entered the new relationship. Now that she is single and lonely again here she is to talk.

I do not make friends easily and do not have any other friends that I am close to at the moment. I do not want to lose her. I do care about her but I am not sure if the relationship is good for me or my marriage.

I would appreciate any advice regarding if I should attempt to maintain the friendship or not. If not, I would appreciate further advice regarding how to end the friendship.


I would like to apologize for the long post. Thank you in advance for any guidance you can offer.

If you want to maintain the relationship, I would ask your wife to help you? I would make it a more steady, 3-legged-stool, relationship. The friend sounds like she could use a woman friend too and, if/when she is in her next relationship, you can see if she then is able to make it a couples' friendship thing.

My husband was married before and his ex-wife and I are friends. No, we do not do things, just the two of us (she lives a couple hours from us) but we all get together for holidays, family parties, etc. I help my husband know how to relate to her now, help keep things pleasant for my stepsons, grandchildren, etc. If you want your friend to remain part of your life, I would ask your wife if she could make her part of your life as a social couple.

I do not know what you are sharing with your friend that you do not share with your wife? I do not think having two "compartments", one "friend" and one "wife" could work for me. My husband is my best friend and the rest flows out of that.

I think its a bit rude of you to maintain the relationship with the woman you cheated on your wife with! Regardless of the past, regardless of what your wife SAYS, it shows a basic lack of respect for your wife and your current relationship. You are openly welcoming temptation into your life. Why would you put your marriage at risk like that?

Its hard for most adults to make friends. Everyone is busy with their partners, kids, jobs, etc. I mean its not like when we were back in school and everyone had free time to pal around and it was easy to make the kid who sat beside you in homeroom your new best friend. Please don't make that your excuse for not going out there and finding someone else to be friends with.

Always had a mutual attraction coupled with cheating on your wife with her.....this spells trouble for your marriage. (I somehow doubt you've told your wife about the mutual attraction bit, am I right?)

Thank you for your response Perna.

I consider my wife to be my best friend. I do not share anything with my friend that I do not share with my wife.

The other two people I am close to besides my friend and my wife are my sister (who knows about the affair) and my mom (who does not). I agree that having only one friend that I am close to outside of my family is not a well-rounded support system. I am working on gaining the confidence to put myself out there and make more friends. I am friendly with several of my wife’s friends but we are not close and I do not see them without my wife present.

I would like to keep my friend in my life. She is the only one (outside of my family) who is still around after all my struggles with depression so I would be sad to lose her. However, my wife makes a valid point that she may be around for the wrong reasons.

I should clarify that her, my wife, and I were all friends and mostly hung out together. Her and my wife did not spent much time together without me but they were friendly until this happened; now they do not really speak. My wife is not an angry or jealous person so she is not opposed to her being around and being friends again but she needs her to acknowledge what she did beyond just saying “sorry,” which I understand.

I like the idea of my wife and I being friends with the friend and her significant other. This made me look back at our nearly decade of a friendship and realize that my wife and I have never spent time with my friend and any of her significant others. Besides meeting her latest significant other once briefly I have only actually met one of her other significant others (she has been in at least 5 serious relationships since I have known her). Like I said, I don’t see much of her when she is in a relationship.

Anyway, I will bring your suggestion to my wife and see if she would be open to doing something with my friend again and see how that goes. I have been keeping my relationship with my wife and my friend separate since the affair in an attempt to try to focus on each relationship individually and avoid the obvious awkwardness involved. I realize now that that was not the best way to go about mending things.

I really appreciate your input.

I would end the friendship. It is too complicated. That she only spends time with you when she is single and doesn't introduce you to her partners is extremely suggestive. It sounds like she is using you as a surrogate boyfriend in some way.

I would not ask my wife to be friends with this woman, personally.

Focus your energy on making new friends. It's hard, but you can do it, especially since you have your wife's support.

Thank you for your input ChipperMonkey.

I also fear that my wife is simply saying that it is my decision because she doesn't want to tell me what to do.

I understand your perspective; to put this question in writing makes the answer seem obvious. Of course if I am staying with my wife I shouldn't continue a friendship with the woman I cheated on her with. However, relationship are not that simple. Not everything is black and white.

You are incorrect that my wife was not aware of the mutual attraction between my friend and I, we discussed it more than once and I was always the one to bring it up (like I said my wife is not a jealous person) to make sure she was ok with everything.

Then again if I had ended the friendship when I thought my wife might be uncomfortable, I would not be in this situation now. Maybe I am just inviting trouble be keeping this woman in my life.

I would end the friendship. If it was me i your wifes shoes it would break my heart knowing you are attracted to each other and wondring if or when it will happen again

I absolutely believe that continuing the friendship is just an invitation for future trouble. Let the friendship drift out of contact the way she generally ceases to contact you when she's in a relationship.

Perna suggested great, practical advice however. The idea of being couple friends is great, IMHO, but then again, you can make other friends as a couple as well.

Your wife may not ask you to set limits on who you are with largely out of respect for you. However, perhaps YOU need to set your own limits on who you share your time with out of respect for your wife.

I see it, as you need some guy friends. Might feel out of your comfort zone, but just my opinion.

This is already consuming a ton of emotional energy...

This is SO TRICKY and most of the time very hard to do. I completely understand you do not want to let go of someone from your past that knows you well.

At the same time - I'm not sure jealousy will not rear it's ugly head. I know you said your wife is not jealous - but it is a very hard emotion to control.

Many friends male and female lose touch with friends because they start dating and that person is taking up most of their thoughts.

If you let your friend go - you will grieve. On the other hand - the more you "cannot have something" many times the more you want it.

This is a tough one - not sure I am very helpful. I recognize this could be something I would encounter in my life.

Good luck.

I think this is a case where you might want to consider being "cruel to be kind". If I were you, I would explain my observations about my friend to her, and say that what you think she needs--far more than continuing a relationship of any kind with you--is to find a good counselor. [She might take this badly.] Then emphasize how important your marriage and wife are to you and that you are going to continue to strengthen that bond by not seeing your friend.

I would not protract the conversation. I would also make a conscious effort to find friends of my own gender, and couples that my spouse and I could befriend as a couple.

This might not be what you want to hear. You might grieve losing a friend, particularly one you have known for so long. But the longer I live, the more I realize that some mistakes can have far-reaching consequences if we hesitate too long in correcting them. Certainly your friend needs friends; she may want and desire a love relationship. But at this point in your life you should not be fulfilling those roles for her, given the circumstances. The best way you can be a friend to her is to encourage her to find a healthful life for herself -- and counseling is the best way for her to discover that, in my opinion.

I'd like to add....

It seems like you value this female friend more than she values you. You're stressing out about losing her, but at the same time, she pretty much drops you when she's with someone else. That's not a mutual sort of friendship.

I never said relationships were easy, but I do believe that you're inviting drama into your life and making excuses for doing so. Why are you being so disrespectful to your wife? (Yes, you are being disrespectful to her. If my partner cheated on me and then insisted on being friends with the woman he cheated on me with, then the relationship would be over....I don't care if it was with his childhood best friend of 30 years. I don't think you can comprehend how big this issue is because you can only see what you personally want, not what is best for your marriage or your wife. Good luck with your selfish attitude in the future.

I have been married 28 years and I have seen a lot of affairs and problems come and go with marriages. If you TRULY love your wife, you will tell this friend it is over as you are focusing on your marriage. You will absolutely not contact her again. You will also thank god (or whoever) that your wife has taken you back and forgiven you. You must realize that your wife will never forget this.
i don't care that you slept with this woman, but when you did, you lost the innocence of your friendship with her and your wife's trust.
You need other male friends. Forget the female friends.

Thank you all for taking the time to offer your perspective and/or guidance. I greatly appreciate it.

In case anyone is curious about the resolution that was reached; I decide it would be best to end the friendship.

It was a very difficult conversation but it was good to have an honest talk. My friend did reveal that she was still holding on to hope that we would be together. This hope does not make for a healthy friendship.

I care a lot about her but I had to let her go to better care for both my family and myself.

Since the conversation, I feel a weight lifted but also great sadness for the loss of my friend.

Thank you again. I wish you all the best.

Thank you for the update, and I think you made the right decision.

I'd say that answers your question right there. If your wife trusts you and is OK with your now available "friend", what else is there to do? IMO, trust is the most significant element of a relationship followed by respect.

OK, talk - so long as it doesn't damage your marriage.


Since reading your first post, I've looked over your other posts and see that your wife was NOT all that "comfortable" with the relationship between you and your "friend". I see that you have dropped your friend and that is exactly what I would do because my wife is my BEST FRIEND and I would never expose her to a stressful, unhappy and troubling situation like you had with your friend so, I salute your dignified decision to honor your wife by letting the "friend" go.