[BobbyDavis]

My Wife and I didn’t make love until three years into our relationship due to some personal problems in her past I won’t go into details on this thread but during that time I had a number of people suggest I should sleep with other women and we should have an open marriage and I used to get offended by this because I loved my Wife and the thought of sleeping with another woman that wasn’t her would have been cheating on her to me even if she was okay with it and while it isn’t my place to judge and tell other people how they should live their lives I just don’t understand how somebody can claim to truly love a person but then sleep with another person.

What are your thoughts?

[hope156]

Hi BobbyDavis, I can judge what other people do, but this kind of thing for me would be unthinkable. I don't get it and it makes me sick just to think about it. Did you try therapy together. It seems like living the unresolved personal problems a huge weight to bear. Best of wishes to you both. I would lose that friend of your who suggested open marriage.

[BobbyDavis]

Hi Hope.

Yes. My Wife and I went to numerous therapists over the years and I am happy to say we now have a gorgeous little girl named Tori that turns 2 years old in September and my Wife is pregnant with our second baby (her third.) She was diagnosed with endometriosis over a year ago and has been suffering from chronic pain so we don't make love very often but it didn't stop her from getting pregnant again.

I am still confused about open marriages though because it was more than one person that suggested it to me back then and knowing how much I loved my Wife it annoyed me that they thought I would be open to doing that.

[healingme4me]

It can be considered, to some, cheating with permission.

Seems unfair, to recommend, if she's having pain and difficulty. Besides, would seem lopsided, imo. If she just cannot, with you, how could she with another. There'd be imbalance in the openness of such a relationship. No tit for tat, so to speak...

[Perna]

I do not think we who are not in open marriages, cannot imagine them and how they work can understand them. Marriage is a social construct and I am sure there have been many ways people have related in the past (and in the present) that are hard to understand but which "make sense" to those who practice them.

I know a person can love more than one person but usually, in my world :-) that is done sequentially, not at the same time. But I can imagine doing it at the same time. I have known people dating more than one person at a time and having trouble "picking" which they wanted to be be with more, etc. so I can see not having to pick as being something some people would like.

[A Red Panda]

To each their own!

It's totally fine if you wouldn't want to have an open marriage, I'm the same way. But the idea of someone else mutually choosing to have an open marriage is their decision and I don't find it repulsive or wrong or anything at all.

Some people might love each other very much, but just don't enjoy sex with each other. Some might have other reasons. Everyone has different sexual needs, and they're all valid just as long as both partners are ok with whatever the arrangement would be.

[riverwater]

I have never seen any kind of marriage I would want to have.
That being said, I am widowed, divorced, single and finally ok with me.
Relationships are so difficult and painful, I fail to see why anyone would want to
make rules about them.
They are what they are, no matter what you call them.
good luck

[~Christina]

Open marriages work for some people.. There would/ must be huge amounts of trust involved.. As far as people advising you or just bringing up the subject ,well that just people talking. If your not interested in that tell them thanks but no thanks.

I personally could do do that open marriage thing, But thats just me .

Congrats on your next a baby I hope your wife has an easy pregnancy

[BobbyDavis]

Thank you

I honestly don’t have a problem with open relationships and if it works for a couple then that is good for them but I just don’t see how a person can say they really love their partner and sleep with other people and it seems more like they are roommates than a married couple. I could not do it because I loved my Wife too much and she was upset over the fact somebody suggested it to me. I would have rather spent the rest of my life in a sexless marriage with her than slept with other women because she was the only woman I wanted to do that with.

[ozzy1313]

My husband and I were into the swinging lifestyle for a little less than a year. We had fun and it had no negative effects on our marriage- but we were partners in this decision. Looking back I now think this was part of a long manic episode for me- the high I got from drinking and partying with these people and the texting etc made me ultra "high" and revved up and then all of a sudden I was over the whole thing and couldn't imagine doing it again. On the other hand when hypomanic and/or drunk I have stepped out and some he wasn't mad about and others I never told him about. Not proud of those.

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by BobbyDavis

What are your thoughts?

I think that many people have given up on their "vows" and see marriage as a kind of room mate thing with the sex part as a separate item and not connected to the wedding vows at all so recommending getting your "needs" met out side the marriage makes perfect sense to many people. I think it STINKS to be so indifferent to our wedding vows but then, I've been guilty of cheating in the past - just not against my current partner now that I KNOW BETTER.

I am still confused about open marriages though because it was more than one person that suggested it to me back then and knowing how much I loved my Wife it annoyed me that they thought I would be open to doing that.

I believe the "open marriage" thing came because people did not know how to make a marriage work so they decided to just get their sex any way they could and still be married WITHOUT ever working on it.

I honestly don’t have a problem with open relationships and if it works for a couple then that is good for them but I just don’t see how a person can say they really love their partner and sleep with other people and it seems more like they are roommates than a married couple. I could not do it because I loved my Wife too much and she was upset over the fact somebody suggested it to me. I would have rather spent the rest of my life in a sexless marriage with her than slept with other women because she was the only woman I wanted to do that with.

IMO, the term "love" has a lot of different meanings but it usually means "NEED" instead of "love" so, such a person might NEED another person but that may not include feelings like: honor, respect, loyalty, empathy, commitment, friendship, trust and other concepts which are about love but not necessarily about NEED!
I'm glad that you and your wife had the class and intelligence to avoid getting into the Swinger life style which I'd imagine would eventually ruin a marriage. Congratulations on your baby and good luck,
jim

riverwater
I have never seen any kind of marriage I would want to have. That being said, I am widowed, divorced, single and finally ok with me.
Relationships are so difficult and painful, I fail to see why anyone would want to make rules about them. They are what they are, no matter what you call them. good luck

IMO, when partners LEARN HOW to make a relationship work, they will not be difficult or painful but quite wonderful. Good luck

[UKgal]

Originally Posted by ozzy1313

My husband and I were into the swinging lifestyle for a little less than a year. We had fun and it had no negative effects on our marriage- but we were partners in this decision. Looking back I now think this was part of a long manic episode for me- the high I got from drinking and partying with these people and the texting etc made me ultra "high" and revved up and then all of a sudden I was over the whole thing and couldn't imagine doing it again.

WOW....someone else in a similar position to my husband and I! It's been hard for me to find people who have enjoyed the swinging lifestyle, but then left. You say you were all of a sudden over the whole thing....was your husband over it at the same time? Do you ever miss it?

Coming back to the main post:

I think an outsider suggesting an open marriage (for one of you) is extremely bizarre given your situation. My Husband and I are voracious in our sexuality & yes, we are enough for each other, but a little extra never hurt while we BOTH agreed to it. We always made sure before an 'evening out' that the other was happy and most of the time we were together during our 'fun'. Afterwards we would talk about our experiences and then have the most amazing times together.

IMO no two marriages are the same. What works for some, doesn't work for others, but as long as the channels of communication are open and each side is happy....then there's nothing wrong with a slightly 'alternative' lifestyle. It's not cheating until secrecy is involved.

[brainhi]

I do not know anyone personally that has an open marriage. What I do see is couples that stay together for their kids and financial reasons even though the passion is not there any longer. I've seen some of these couples turn a blind eye to what is going on outside the marriage and accept their type of family unit.

I also have an x that is trying the poly lifestyle without the religious part of it. They actually have others to teach them how to do this. He has been known to love more than one. He does talk to me about the experiences and how they try and deal with jealousy...He really wants this to work. I'm not interested and know I could not handle it. But I'm curious to see how this will work for him.

I know that when you have sex with someone....you are likely to have a "cheimcal" attachment with them...this feels very good...where does that leave the partner you have been with for a long time....sounds very difficult!!!

[glok]

Marriage is just a prelude to divorce. I think people should rent. Then the question about an open marriage is moot.

Generally I feel whatever floats your boat. I always believed in one on one relationships until I found myself in love with two very different men. I mean real love not just one for sex and another for bringing home the bacon. It's best not to judge because many factors are involved. I have always believed you could love more than one person in life just didn't think it would happen to me.

I wouldn't be mad at your friend who suggested it to you as I'm sure they meant it with good intentions. It's your choice not to go outside the marriage and if you are fine with the way things are then hold onto your beliefs. Congrats on your children, they are a gift!

[soccerdad]

Any living arrangement can work as long as both partners agree and are comfortable with it. Personally I believe that open relationships are healthier than traditional ones because they demonstrate greater trust and more open lines of communication.

[Slamjammer]

The term "open marriage" is an oxymoron. It isn't a marriage at all, but merely a living arrangement.

[offthegrid]

Marriage is a sacred thing and a commitment between 2 people and it should stay within those bounds. It isn't to be taken lightly as many people do now. When you have children (natural or adopted) you commit to taking care of them for 18+ years and you literally have no idea how they are going to turn out. If you decide you can't deal with it you can't abandon your children. You pick your wife and then decide you want to have other people? ("you" in general) One of those most important things about marriage is that 2 people are attached intimately deeper than with anyone else. I just see adding others inside of your marriage as a complication, a breech of trust and no good can ultimately come of it. I wouldn't go into it just to prove how "progressive" I was. If you don't like being with the person you're with, don't get married to them and construct a whole life only to have it come down, or just let them go if things are so bad that you just can't contain yourself.

So no sir, you aren't wrong for not feeling comfortable with it.

[Raindropvampire]

Because you are confusing love with a basic biologic need. Sex is something you just do for fun. It's a way to feel better and destress. If you happen to love the person that's awesome but if not it's still great.

I know several people in open marriages/relationships. My best friend is "married" to a married couple. In sex and love there's no one size fits all. As long as all parties are happy, of age and are consenting who cares?

I would be ecstatic to be in an open marriage because my husband can simply no longer keep up with me. It doesn't mean I love him any less. It just means he can't keep up in the bedroom. He knows this and has brought up the idea of an open marriage but I'm not falling for it. He's too insecure, jealous and paranoid for it to work. Toss in he's schizophrenic and it would be a mess but a girl can dream.

Originally Posted by BobbyDavis

Thank you I honestly don’t have a problem with open relationships and if it works for a couple then that is good for them but I just don’t see how a person can say they really love their partner and sleep with other people and it seems more like they are roommates than a married couple. I could not do it because I loved my Wife too much and she was upset over the fact somebody suggested it to me. I would have rather spent the rest of my life in a sexless marriage with her than slept with other women because she was the only woman I wanted to do that with.

[ChipperMonkey]

Op, you're confusing sex with love. For some people, the path of sex never crosses the path of love. For some of us who were abused, we never learned that sex was supposed to be "making love". For me, sex has always just been sex. I don't have those supposed chemicals that make you fall in love with someone and bring you closer when you make love to a person. I've never had those chemical love feelings, and I doubt I ever will. (Preliminary studies show that those who have been abused can have issues with producing those "love" chemicals.) But hot damn, on the flip side, its pretty damn easy to get a guy to fall head over heels in love with me after a few good romps! To me, love is purely intellectual, not chemical. Disagree? Go ahead and bash someone who can't feel the same sort of love because she was molested as a child.

[brainhi]

I do not believe someone would bash anyone that had this pain in childhood. I experienced molestation as a very young girl. I'm not experiencing any lack of "chemicals" that I am aware of. I do have an understanding what the brain is doing and know those initial feelings of attachment or the high is just that. Many times it is not just about sex. People are making decisions about their life while on that high..
which could be consequential to their partner and children.

[ozzy1313]

Originally Posted by UKgal

WOW....someone else in a similar position to my husband and I! It's been hard for me to find people who have enjoyed the swinging lifestyle, but then left. You say you were all of a sudden over the whole thing....was your husband over it at the same time? Do you ever miss it?

My husband was fine with not doing it anymore. I was always the one that was more "into" it. I think it even made us closer- communication is a key element for that situation to work. It is not something I would tell many people about bc most do not understand, and it is not a lifestyle for everyone.

[newworldoutthere]

I am in a poly relationship which some people would call an open relationship, but I don't consider it the same thing. Swinging/open relationships are more about the sex, poly is more about the love. My fiance and I are expecting our first child and our girlfriend is totally on board (she already has 3 kids). We have an open and loving relationship with communication and respect being the most important things to the three of us. I just view myself as someone who is wired a little bit differently, I find it easy to love multiple people and it enriches my life.