Out of Control

I started talking to this guy almost 6 months ago and hes a good guy but like i said in a few other posts he is married. He asked me to be his girlfriend and stupidly with out thinking i agreed. He tells me he is unhappy all the time and he is to scared to leave cause he doesnt want to lose his daughter and i dont know what to do. I dont wanna be the kinda girl that says its her or me because i dont wanna hurt him more than he already is.

He is a great guy but i am still young and i dont know if i should keep my options open or what anymore. He means the world to me and i have fallen for him in these past few months. We get to know each other more and more every day. Talking from the time we wake up till the time we go to bed. He puts a smile on my face and gives me butterflies in my stomach like no else ever has. When we talk i smile and laugh and so does he. We get to talk to each other via video chat at night sometimes and all we do is smile laugh and pick on each other.

I havent been happier but all that has been on my mind is his wife and daughter lately. I know what im doing is wrong but i have no idea how to break it off with out really hurting him. I want to be happy and i dont know if i can be with out him in my life but i know this is affecting both of us. he tells me he loved me all the time and that he doesnt want to lose me because im the most amazing girl ever. He is older than me i am 18 and he is 30 but i just dont know im at the point where i am ready to give up on everything because of my own stupidity.

My depression is going in to over drive because of this situation and because i feel so bad. Im sleeping all day and im up all night crying until i finally fall asleep I feel like cutting again and ive been trying so hard not to do that because i have no way to hide it anymore and i wanna be a medical assistant. Not even my medication is helping me right now. Ive tried talking to people i know but they dont wanna hear anything about it and i havent gone back to counseling yet because i have no way to get there can someone please give me some advice because i have no idea how to handle this situation anymore and i think its getting a little out of control.

Lovebugg... what a messy situation. Can I be brutally honest here? Dump him. He's no good for you...

1. You're 18, he's 30, married, and has a child? I'm sorry, but he's taking advantage of you. I know you don't want to hear that and will probably vehemently disagree, and if he weren't married... I could possibly agree that it was *possible* that it was a sincere relationship, but... really, you're technically still a teen, and this guy has a wife/kid.

2. He's not good relationship material. He has a wife and child, yet is willing to "date" you. What that tells me is that he can't maintain a stable, long-term, committed relationship. He can't work out issues with his wife or make the decision to leave. Take this a step further... in a year, 2 years, 3 years... how do you think your relationship would be with him? Every relationship has issues at some point - if he can't work through those with his wife, you should expect that he won't be able to work through them with you either.

3. He's not good for your mental health. Are you already in therapy? Do you have access to a therapist? If you're having urges to cut, I'd take that as a strong sign that he's not good for you, and get out. Talking to a therapist might be helpful (in getting some clarity around this and in containing the urges?). But please, get out. Don't continue to reward his awful behavior (cheating on his wife).

Also, I don't think it's fair to say that you will hurt him by breaking up with him. He caused this. He is hurting himself, his wife, his daughter, and you. This is on him. He is the one that is breaking his vows and putting you in a rotten position. This isn't about you hurting him, this is about you deserving soooo much better, like someone who is honest, has integrity, will be able to fully be there for you (and not busy with their wife!), and can be an equal partner in a relationship.

Really, you deserve better and can totally do better.

Good luck.

Wish I could thank you multiple times!!

Oh gosh, tell him good-bye immediately and move on.
I had a friend who had a relationship with a married man. He did leave his wife and marry her. And guess what? He cheated on my friend with someone else. My friend was SHOCKED! I reminded her he had cheated with her to start with. She finally divorced him. What a disastrous mess. If I were your best friend or older sister, I would tell you to RUN!

Stellar advice given ! I hope you are able to see the logic and move on with your life.

Things are just so confusing for me but on the brightside i went to my college today and talked to my admissions councler classes start in 2 weeks and i know im on the right track and i cant wait to start my medical assisting. Thank you all for the amazing advice i think you all are right maybe i should say good bye and move on with my life cause i dont wanna be like her getting cheated on by the man you marry

Instead of reading a post by me I just want you to read Guilloche's post all over again. It was perfect in every way!! Seriously, it needs to be like, sticky-ed for future circumstances just like this.

You're young and you don't want to start a relationship with a man that will break VOWS in order to date you. You are also mentally struggling because of this relationship.

i read it every day now and im still trying to figure out how to say good bye

Lots of parents work out fantastic visitation schedules.

How to say goodbye? Of course it feels wonderful being told how wonderful you are and how loved and cherished you are, of course it does. No-one wants to see those feelings go away.

You are with a man, who isn't considering however, how much this is hurting you. He should have stopped sleeping at home, already. He's selfish. You deserve sunrises. Someone to wake up to sunrises, is what I mean. Everyday.

I think, after seeing all kinds of things in life, less focus on the 'kharma' side of it...the whole he'll cheat on you angle. ..hey, I've seen a man leave his wife before and not cheat.happily married 29years later...
Focus on his lack of ability to resolve issues. Using his child as an excuse shows his character, children as weapons. He can't make a decision to choose you, to be with you every day...actions speak louder than words (note the 29 year marriage I've referenced. ..he left his wife, and that was that. He adored and still adores, my friends older sister...but he ended his marriage. ..he chose. He made a decision. )

It feels amazing when he tells me he loves me and wants to be with me but its hard i dont want to lose feelings but i dont know if should break it off until he leaves or what. I love him so much

You do need to do, what is best for you. Either direction seems to cause grief and turmoil. Is he aware of how deeply painful this is for you?
Aside from those in your life who just don't want to hear it, is there anyone around who comprehends how your pain turns inwardly?

Does he spend time with you, outside of skype, text, email and chat?
When things in life go unexpectedly wrong, how does he react?
When you need a physical hug, does he provide it?
If you were sick and in the hospital would he be there?

What's really wrong with his marriage? Is his daughter in danger if he isn't under the same roof? Does he really subscribe to the notion that to divorce is to never see his daughter again? What does he do for a living?

So you are saying you're willing to remain this guy's dirty little secret because it feels amazing to hear how he loves you and wants to be with you but never actually will be?



We don't get to choose who we fall inlove with, but we DO get to choose who we stay with.

He's not choosing you

I understand that you're inlove, that leaving him will hurt, but you're young and you will heal and will find someone else to love. Someone who will actually love you back AND choose you.

The other painful truth is this; staying with him will also hurt, he will hide you, deny you, and never truly be yours. He'll never spend the whole night with you, let alone share a home with you, he'll never spend holidays with you, or devote any amount of tangible time to you.

He can only be with you when its convenient for him. Are you ok with being a convenience?

What if you fall pregnant?

Will your child be another dirty secret?
Will he be there when you go into labour?
Will he attend parent-teacher meetings and actively support your child's extra-curricular activities?
How will you explain to your child why daddy can never spend Christmas with them? Why daddy had to miss birthdays? Or why they're excluded from daddy's family vacation?

He's not choosing you.

So why exactly are you choosing him?

Part of maturing into adulthood is making responsible decisions, and responsible decisions can rarely (if ever) be made with one's heart alone.

Since you are on the younger side, older members here have taken the time to provide you with a glimpse into your future with this man.

A future we've either lived or witnessed.

So if you wake up one day and say "I never thought it would turn out like this" know that you CHOSE to proceed with your eyes wide shut.

know what you all are right im done i cant do it anymore i gotta do whats going to make me happy and whats right. I cant keep doing this and letting him take advantage of the situation i may love him but if i love him i gotta let him go be with his real family and if he does decide to leave then maybe give it another shot but until then i think its time to do me and school

For one so young, and inlove (which can make the best of us stupid as a rock) you are making a very wise and mature choice here.

A choice that will positively impact your entire future.

Be proud of yourself, for loving and valuing yourself enough to not be short changed.

Ps. Members like you are why I choose to remain an active member of the PC community.

Thank you for restoring my faith in (people on) this website.

Your welcome love i like having a place to come where i can and talk about whats bothering me