[jndelgado09]

I'm not too sure how to start. I left my ex a month ago and I have refused to go back. We have been on and off for 9 years. The first two years he was constantly cheating on me. Or leaving me for someone else. He was my first everything and I loved him. And he loved me. And we would always end up back together. Before my daughter we got back together after a very ugly break up. He had been cheating on me but I was the one in trouble because I broke it off between them. So when we got back together he said he was going to still sleep with other women. I don't know if he did or not. But then I got pregnant with my daughter and things were great. After I had her though I rarely saw him. I was 17 and still living with my parents. We fought but not a whole lot. Then I got pregnant with my son. I remember towards the end of that pregnancy I told him I felt like we were drifting apart. He denied it though. He had wanted me to move in with him but I didn't. His mom hated me so I couldn't stand the idea of living there. When my son was born I spent two weeks with him and it was great. And I thought we would be more like a family. But then he said his mom didn't want me there anymore so I had to go back home. He never stood up to his mom for me and our kids. After I left it got awful. I was in college now and found a job because I hated asking him for money. Things were getting worse between us and I told him it was like we lived two separate lives. He said that wasn't true. He was such a liar. When my son was 9 months I found out he had been cheating on me. I broke it off with him and he begged me not to. Then within a few days I was begging him back and he was telling me no. Then for the next 3 years it was hell. I never moved on. I waited for him because he was constantly telling me he loved me and wanted to make things work. And then he'd have hickies on his neck. Or I'd find out he was still talking to that girl. It turned out he had been cheating on me since our son was 1 month. They were together for two years, all the time telling me he wanted me and coming over for sex. He had very little to do with our kids.

When I finally felt ready to move on we were becoming friends. It had been 3 years and while it still hurt I was accepting it was over. But things were going so well between us that we decided to try again. We were together for for almost a year. The past 7 months have been the worst. I've never been so miserable. I moved in with him and we were constantly fighting. If I brought anything up from the past he'd tell me I was causing drama. That there was something wrong in my head because I couldn't let things go. I felt like I was just a roommate. There was no affection and I pretty much had to beg him to sleep with me. Eventually I stopped asking because he'd look at me like I was so stupid for asking something like that. I couldn't look in the mirror anymore without wanting to smash it because I felt disgusting. I felt I must be hideous for him to not want to be physical with me. I tried to talk to him about but he would literally tune me out and just pretend I wasn't there. He stopped wanting to be in the same room with me. At night he'd stay in the kitchen all night and he got had two days off so I never got to sleep next to him anymore. I told him how much this hurt me but he just told me I was crazy. Literally crazy, that I have something wrong with my head. That I exaggerate on everything. That I need to change if I want to make it work. He'd get mad that I got mad about the amount of porn he looked at. I wouldn't have gotten mad if he had still been sleeping with me. He'd ask also download pics of that were just normal pics. And he had pics saved of girls he had been with when we were separated. He had no pics of me. Even when I sent him naughty pics he just deleted them. I felt like I just wasn't good enough. And I told him this all the time but he wouldn't even acknowledge how I felt. Or he'd tell me it was my fault. He had no influence if I felt like a disgusting blob, it was all on me. My insecurities weren't from him cheating on me, it was just me wired that way because there's something wrong with me.

I couldn't talk to him about anything. I'd tell him something about my day and he'd just change the subject. I got my degree in biology but he still talked down on me even if it's in my subject. He'd wake me up at 3 am just so I Could go get him a soda or make him something to eat.

I was begging him to talk to me. That our relationship was falling apart. I was at the point where I contemplated just driving my car into the river. For the first time ever I told my dad something bad about him, that I felt like he didn't want me there. I wanted things to work. I loved him. We were going on 3 months of not sleeping together. I had stopped asking. I tried to just have conversations with him but he'd just ignore my messages. Then a girl started working with him. They'd talk all night. He'd drive over to her location. Then he started deleting their messages. And when I demanded answers he said I was acting crazy. I also found an open condom wrapper in his pants. He said he accidently picked it up and got mad at me for being upset about it.

One night I found out he was going to go pick up that girl from her house. After I told him I was uncomfortable with how much time he was spending with her. But he didn't care. So I packed all my stuff. The next day I only took a handful of things. I called him and bluffed that I was going to get all my stuff later and he said he was going to move everything to storage cause he was going to rent out our kids room. He started talking about remodeling. It was like he didn't care at all that I left. And when I I said that he said he was just tired of my **** and he didn't care anymore. And something just snapped in me. The next day I went and got all my stuff.

The past month has been great. I'm happy. I feel free. I want to do new things. For 9 years I feel like I had to like the things he liked,do the things he wanted,and all that. Now I can just do my thing. But now he wants to try and make things work. He's saying how much he wants me and needs me. He says I'm just walking out. That I'm giving up. But I did try. I tried for 9 years. I tried for the past 7 months even though I was miserable. I start thinking maybe it is my fault. Maybe if I had let go of the past. Maybe if I hadn't nagged him so much. Maybe if I had tried harder. Or maybe I am just crazy. Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. I told him I'm not going back and he wants to know why I'm doing this. I don't want to hurt him. But I don't want to be with him anymore. I started looking up emotionally abusive relationship and some of those things I can relate to. Not all of them. Like jealousy. He's never been jealous, I don't think he thinks anyone else would want me. He acts like he doesn't even want me.

I don't know what to do. Maybe I just needed to vent. I feel like I'm going crazy, that I'm screwing up and I have no idea what to do. I don't want my kids to get hurt either. He's still their father and he's trying to be a good father. He's always saying it's my fault. Maybe it is. If I had just let go of the past and what he had done. It was over 3 years ago that he cheated on me. But it still hurts. If I try to tell him that he gets mad at me. I don't want to go back to him but I feel like a selfish witch for not wanting to keep trying....

[Trippin2.0]

Selfish witch??? If the persuit of happiness and self-preservation makes you one, then I say by all means go ahead and be a selfish witch! I'm one too!!!

You are doing the right thing, this man had no inclination to work on your relationship nor any intention of meeting your needs, let alone making you happy.

A LOVING partner wants what's best for you, and behaves in ways that reflect that. They want to see you happy and will move mountains to do so.

Seems like he was just comfortable with having you around, and never made an effort because he never thought you'd have the balls to go out and make a better life for yourself. Without him.

You're like his security blanket, no matter how many other girls he screws, you're the one that's always there, the one that's always happy to have him around... the one that could never live without him.

My friend has a bf just like him, but sadly in her case, he's right. She won't leave no matter how miserable she is. So he does exactly as he pleases, with whom ever he pleases, because why the hell not?

You did the right thing walking away, even if you never mentioned the cheating, the way he's been treating you since living together is enough reason to leave. Because WTF would you get out of staying?

He didn't talk to you, he avoided you, refused to have sex with you, insulted you, blamed you for everything wrong in the relationship, showed ZERO accountability as if he was some 3 year old...

What was his oh so important role in YOUR life, that you would even think of letting him repeat it?

He has served ABSOLUTELY NO PURPOSE in your life over the past 7 months... think about it. Besides having the official title of BF, what did he do that you cannot absolutely do without or go find elsewhere???

Dammit, you can't even call him your friend, that would be something tangible to work with, a foundation to build something new on...

He's definitely not irreplacable... no matter which way you slice it.

Move forward, hold on to all the positives you've been experiencing thus far and let it lead you as far away from him as possible.
Let your new found happiness guide you...

Also... NOBODY picks up an empty condom wrapper ACCIDENTALLY. Firstly, why are you picking up random condoms, and secondly, why not just immediately chuck it away? What on God's green Earth would make you choose to stick someone else's condom wrapper in your pocket???

That's like the time I told my mom the blunts she found in my bag was someone else's.
It got stuck in my bag accidentally as I was throwing out all the weed and stuff these bad kids had snuck into our party... I was 18 I choked and I told a stupid lie that didn't really hold up against scrutiny, but my mom decided to play ostrich and stick her head in the sand instead of confronting the fact that her princess clearly smoked the ole MJ on the regular...

But that was the old irresponsible teenaged me. If I still smoked MJ today I would actually admit to it, and face the consequences.
Not that she can ground me, but she'd most definitly see me in a different light after that.

Honestly? This dude sounds like a loser and doesn't derserve to lick the ground you walk on. Don't let guilt and what ifs trap you.

You've wasted 9 years with him, trust me, you've covered ALL your what ifs.

Don't waste a second more of your pretty on him, there are men out there willing to appreciate you and treat you like a valued humanbeing. Don't reject the opportunity for love and happiness out of misplaced loyalty.

Be loyal to you and your kids.

A happy mommy equals happy babies.

[healingme4me]

About the time I get woken up at 3am to pour a soda and make food for the idiot screwing around on me, is about the time he finds himself locked out of my home.

And blame it on the Ambien, if it so happens to disturb my neighbors.

[ChipperMonkey]

Now you know exactly what the rollercoaster of abuse feels like, the yo-yo'ing, the incessant back and forth. He isn't going to change. You've given him NINE years to change and the entire time he has treated you like crap! I think the bigger question isn't "should I go back to him" rather "why do I put up with this crap!?!?" Remember, we teach people how to treat us by the behavior we accept from them. If you take him back, it will be an acceptance of everything he's done to you in the past. He doesn't care about you. Leave him for good and find someone who does!

PS you're setting your kids up for future relationship problems because they will think that mommy is supposed to accept and support everything daddy does, even when its such things as cheating, running around with other women, etc. Do you want you kids to have that as a roll model?

[jimmy rich]

jndelgado09

I don't want my kids to get hurt either.

IMO, there is NO WAY that your kids will NOT be hurt in such a toxic relationship so, I'd focus on the needs of my kids and use that as a cue for how to protect them from being mentally damaged - and they will definitely be mentally harmed UNLESS you or someone protects them. I'd do whatever is best for my helpless, dependent an FRAGILE offspring!
jim

[Yoda]

Get an attorney to help you get child support for the kids.

Don't even think of getting back together with him. He isn't going to change.

[Open Eyes]

How old are you now? How old is this guy?

[Odee]

If there is someone who deserves to be hurt, it's HIM. (Now, don't take that too seriously ... but I can't believe that you care about this guys feelings!)

LEAVE that guy in the dirt. NEVER go back. That is NOT what a relationship should be like. I know he has been your first and only, and maybe you have not seen other successful relationships around you, because you should not be returning to this guy at all. Most of your post was very, very painful to read. I just wanna grab you and yell at you: You need to own your life and you need to cut him out of it!

[jndelgado09]

I'm in my twenties and he's in his thirties. We're 9 years apart.

Am I going to far calling it abuse though? I wasn't exactly perfect and sometimes I think maybe I was the problem. I checked everything. When I first moved in I went through his email, that's how I found out he had cheated on me for 8 months, not 1 month like he told me. And how i found out he had all these pictures of others girls saved. I would go through his phone all the time. U was just so scared he was going to start cheating again. I use to bring up what he did a lot, he use to get mad and say I just can't let anything go.

I feel so conflicted about everything. I'm not going back to him, I feel like I've woken up from coma and finding out all this time this was allowed to happen to me. I've been thinking all day about all the crap he did. All the lies, even when I knew it was a lie and his cover up was just pathetic I still believed him. And if I didn't believe him he'd get mad at me for being crazy.

I'm not going to go back but I don't want to believe I allowed myself to be in an abusive relationship. He never straight out was verbally abusive. Only when we fought would he say mean things. It was like he didn't have to say anything to make me feel like crap. But isn't that me being crazy? Aren't you the only one who controls how you feel? Maybe I made more out of it then I should have.

Or maybe it was emotionally abusive. I don't know.

Then I start thinking physically. There were two times where it foot really bad. Like punching me and throwing me to the ground and kicking. But it only happened twice. And I did kinda provoke it.

And then I read that and I want to slap myself. How could I exuse that..and yet I did. Then I started thinking further back, before my daughter. There was a short time where he kept choking me in bed. He wanted something sexual that I didn't want to do so he'd choke me or punch me in the side. But this was so long ago, can I really hold it against him now? When that happened I remember being seriously scared for my life. And I stayed.

I never told anyone that and guess I just want to put it out there. Because it's real and it feels like it's not.

The times that he got physical which was just those few times he was always so apologetic afterwards.

I start thinking about his joking. Sometimes it was hurtful but he was joking. I thought about how he always had something bad to say about whatever I was wearing. I'd buy a new shirt that I liked and he'd make fun of it.

I'm smart,I'm college educated, I freaking minored in psychology. I'm kind and make friends with everyone. I always smile and laugh and joke. A guy recently told me in college I looked happy. Happy while all this has been going on. While I've been just so miserable for so long.

Is this all in my head? Am I crazy like he's always said?

And if not then how the hell did I put myself in an abusive relationship and not even know it?! How did I become that? How was I in an abusive relationship and condemning my sister for liking Chris Brown after he hit Rihanna? How could I be in an abusive relationship and no one could see that?

[~Christina]

Honey ... He abused you over and over ..

Sad thing is these kinda of relationships happen all the time ..

I was in one .. never saw it coming it just happened and I made tons of excuses as to why he treated me like this or that.. The reality is we often just see what we want to. One day I just woke up so to speak and saw things as they really were and I ended the relationship that day.

I deserved better and knew it.. You deserve better and you know it.

Please get some therapy to help you work through all the emotions you are facing . Get away from him now .. refuse any and all contact from him ..

[Trippin2.0]

Don't blame yourself, being inlove (and a host of of other things) has a tendency to make some of us stupid as a rock.

With me, the abuse started off so subtly, and gradually increased so slowly that yes, I was making excuses for him too.

He choked me unconscious 3 times (each time a year apart) so that it was "easy", for me to excuse and write off.

The day when he mistook me for a punching bag is when the lights came on in my head. But even then, I didn't have the full picture.

Only months later, I learned on this very website just how many different types of abusive he had been over the years, the scales fell from my eyes completely when I realized he had been a "master abuser" all along and that I had been roped in and groomed over the years with him to accept his behaviour...

Please don't continue his pattern of blaming and shaming you for everything that goes wrong. Break free from this vicious cycle!

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by jndelgado09

I'm in my twenties and he's in his thirties. We're 9 years apart.

Am I going to far calling it abuse though? I wasn't exactly perfect and sometimes I think maybe I was the problem. I checked everything. When I first moved in I went through his email, that's how I found out he had cheated on me for 8 months, not 1 month like he told me. And how i found out he had all these pictures of others girls saved. I would go through his phone all the time. U was just so scared he was going to start cheating again. I use to bring up what he did a lot, he use to get mad and say I just can't let anything go.

I feel so conflicted about everything. I'm not going back to him, I feel like I've woken up from coma and finding out all this time this was allowed to happen to me. I've been thinking all day about all the crap he did. All the lies, even when I knew it was a lie and his cover up was just pathetic I still believed him. And if I didn't believe him he'd get mad at me for being crazy.

I'm not going to go back but I don't want to believe I allowed myself to be in an abusive relationship. He never straight out was verbally abusive. Only when we fought would he say mean things. It was like he didn't have to say anything to make me feel like crap. But isn't that me being crazy? Aren't you the only one who controls how you feel? Maybe I made more out of it then I should have.

Or maybe it was emotionally abusive. I don't know.

Then I start thinking physically. There were two times where it foot really bad. Like punching me and throwing me to the ground and kicking. But it only happened twice. And I did kinda provoke it.

And then I read that and I want to slap myself. How could I exuse that..and yet I did. Then I started thinking further back, before my daughter. There was a short time where he kept choking me in bed. He wanted something sexual that I didn't want to do so he'd choke me or punch me in the side. But this was so long ago, can I really hold it against him now? When that happened I remember being seriously scared for my life. And I stayed.

I never told anyone that and guess I just want to put it out there. Because it's real and it feels like it's not.

The times that he got physical which was just those few times he was always so apologetic afterwards.

I start thinking about his joking. Sometimes it was hurtful but he was joking. I thought about how he always had something bad to say about whatever I was wearing. I'd buy a new shirt that I liked and he'd make fun of it.

I'm smart,I'm college educated, I freaking minored in psychology. I'm kind and make friends with everyone. I always smile and laugh and joke. A guy recently told me in college I looked happy. Happy while all this has been going on. While I've been just so miserable for so long.

Is this all in my head? Am I crazy like he's always said?

And if not then how the hell did I put myself in an abusive relationship and not even know it?! How did I become that? How was I in an abusive relationship and condemning my sister for liking Chris Brown after he hit Rihanna? How could I be in an abusive relationship and no one could see that?

It's OK to be angry that it has happened to you. Most guys like this, are charming, elusive, dotting, a little too much. Our friends and family don't see it coming any more than we do. I have a family probate clerk, say to me before, that even had I done a background check on him, prior to being involved, I still would have. That point, is that he's that type that pulls at the heart strings, that need to rescue that poor hurt creature.

The point of therapy, is to address this, to ensure that you don't fall prey again.

Abusers do all those things. Tease/Joke, call you the Crazy One, it's called projection of their inner turmoil. Even with a degree, background, it is insidious. It grows over time. The sincere apologies or in my case lack of recollection, after physical altercations is Normal in these scenarios. Mine would apologize for emotionally lashing out, until he wouldn't apologize any more.

It's best to move forward, get some counseling for the traumatic stress, grief and confusion about getting there, and learn from this. We all say, if they ever laid a hand on us, we'd leave the first time. Something often snags us back in...

[Hobbit House]

I agree with EVERYONE on this post. Get away! if he hasn't changed by now, he's not going to. I personally wouldn't believe anything he said. Get the lawyer, file for child support. Don't believe anything he says. Make him communicate to you through your attorney. Because he will try to manipulate you again if you let him. May you find someone special who deserves you and your two children! Good luck