[s_passwater89]

SO my boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years...high school sweethearts I guess you could call us. We have 2 kids, and have lived together our entire relationship. I dont work, it is hard for me to keep a job with my agoraphobia and anxiety and depression, but he doesnt understand. When we argue, the fact that I dont work always comes up...he has told me before that I dont have to work but an argument always brings out the true colors. I know he needs help sometimes, and I want to help, its just hard for me. I want marriage and more kids, but he tells me he dont want to get married until I have a stable job...but its like...what if I cant? What if I cant handle the work environment? Or the people, and anxiety of it all? Does anyone else go through something like this? I give him all the help I can, I babysit, I donate my plasma twice a week, and I do what a normal house wife should do such as cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids...and even doing anything he asks no mater how tired, or sore, or depressed I am.

[Odee]

If you can't work, have you applied for/earned disability?

You are in a very tough situation, and I am very sorry for your troubles. However, your boyfriend is also in a very stressed situation regarding being able to financially support a family on his own. I am sorry to say but I agree with his lack of desire to get married until you have sorted your own financial situation out.

[s_passwater89]

I am working on the disability thing, but its not like I dont want to help or that Im not trying to help because I am...I will live a life of pain and unhappiness for him and my children.

[healingme4me]

If that doesn't work out, what about being an in home day care provider? You mention babysitting, might not seem like much. Will he contribute more around the home, so that you can get to working outside of the home? There's a flip side, to this. Are pediatric visits split down the middle? School meetings? Will there be a sharing of call outs for sick children? And daycare costs? Partial from you potential check and partial from his check, correct?

[s_passwater89]

Money and everything involving money would be split down the middle, but...I have to do everything that involves the kids EVERYTHING. And thats why I havent started work sooner, because he doesnt help find a sitter for them if needed and hates leaving the house when he isnt working, so Ive been stuck trying to do all of that myself. And its hard to find a sitter if I dont have money to pay, and I dont drive so there is the problem of how will I get to work, how will I get home. And who will be here to take the girls to school and pick them up. Like I have logical reasons for not having worked already, and the kids are a big part of that. He acts like if he is paying for everything he shouldn't have to worry about anything else...dont get me wrong, he is a good dad but not when it comes to the more hands on stuff. I also have therapy once a week on top of all that per his request so its just really hectic, if I could find a good legitimate stay at home job things would be great...

[healingme4me]

The question posed, does anyone deal with this? Yes, I have and continue to, aside from the insistence that I go to therapy. I brought myself there on my own free will.
Is he also, in therapy?
When you say, once home, doesn't leave the house, does that include taking kids to the park, or outside? Relieving you of natural ruckus?

[scorpiosis37]

Have you tried going to couples counseling? That might help each of you see things from the other's perspective.

While he may not be expressing himself in a very compassionate or understanding way, I think he's right about not getting married or having any more children until you are both in a better situation. If you are arguing, you are struggling with agoraphobia, depression and anxiety, and you are struggling financially-- those are things that should probably be addressed before you decide to get married or bring any more children into the situation. Hopefully, you two can resolve your issues and THEN get married-- but I think finding healthier ways to communicate should come first.

Do you talk to your therapist about what you feel is preventing you from working? What does your therapist think? Are there small steps you could start taking in order to work towards the goal of being ready for a job?

[~Christina]

I know alot of families where one or the other stays home and takes care of the home male and female , Mostly due to the cost of childcare costs or homeschooling etc ..

But sadly its common that especially in fights that one person is upset that the other isnt leaving the house for X amounts of hours a day and bringing home a paycheck .

There is a difference between not wanting to work and not being able to work. What have you learned in therapy that could help you want to go enter the work force?

Maybe start calling around and finding out what childcare would cost would be a good thing so that you could both sit down and discuss the financial aspect .. Before after school care for school age kids and then fulltime summer care.

Who would need to stay home when a child is sick or has Doctor appointments? I personally believe that if both people are out working then all the household chores and cooking needs to be done by both people.

Also you say you dont drive ? well then you would need to learn and obtain a license and another vehicle would be needed so money for that is going to come from where?

Maybe marriage counselling would be helpful ? Doesn't sound like you two are able to have a calm discussion about the realities of your marriage.

Good luck

[blur]

can you work from your home? here are 12 side jobs for stay at home moms & dads. i'm sure there are other things you could do as well. here are some more: best jobs for stay at home moms

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Strikes me as a bit insensitive of him... believe me, I would gladly say more if I didn't think it'd be rude. xD You DO work; you're a full-time mother looking after the home while he's off at work; bit cliché but it happens and it works, especially given your issues. Your issues are exactly why I'm worried about getting into a serious relationship, especially now that I'm older and I'm into the whole "settle down" type thing. (minus kids... not for me) Good luck.

[s_passwater89]

He does not want to do couples therapy, I am the one to take the kids out of the house for any activities. He even complains about going to the grocery store. He is very selfish, and its new...it was never there before. But I am looking for work close to home if not in home, and I want to help him but if his attitude doesnt change after that, well I may not stick around. I have always wanted kids and to be married, I couldnt stay with someone who doesnt want that too. I may not like it but Im sure I could handle being a single mom just fine.