I Feel Like A Jerk

I mentioned in one of my other threads earlier this week that I had a friend who hasn't responded to anything I have sent in the past few weeks and who had promised to meet with me to discuss some difficult things and never followed through on that promise.

Well, she finally got around to texting me and she apologized. Which was nice. But I still felt like I needed to let her know that her actions had hurt me and made me feel angry. So I did, as politely as my mind (which really just wanted to say "piss off") could manage. And that was almost 2 hours ago. And she hasn't responded.

I know I should have just kept my feelings to myself. I shouldn't have made her feel bad for them, and she probably hates me now. I am such a big jerk and a terrible person. I used to just shrug everything off because I didn't want to make people unhappy. I have told her and many others a million times "it's okay" when I was hurting inside. And the one time I speak up, I ruin everything. I think therapy has made me more aware of how I am feeling in response to things, but I don't think anyone else wants to deal with it.

Don't feel like a jerk HG, this friend ignored you for weeks, that kind of treatment requires more than an 'oh, I'm sorry! Friends?'. Real friends respect your feelings.

I feel like I'm not allowed to be upset after she apologized, like I should just stuff my feelings away and forget about them. She said she was sorry, so I'm not sure what else I expect. I think I want her to realize how much pain it caused me. Which just makes me an even bigger jerk

You are not a jerk. You have every right to let her know how upset you are. She is your friend, you would be there for her, no? Shouldn't she grant you the same courtesy?

No, she finally takes the time to reach out to me, and I tell her how bad I feel about how she didn't reach out to me sooner. That's horrible, and I am horrible.

It takes less than a minute to text something like 'Hi HG! Really busy lately, looking forward to having a nice chat when life slows down a bit! Love u bye!'
Don't be making excuses for her.

I know. And that's why I'm so hurt and angry. She didn't even do that.

But she still hasn't responded, and so I think she might be angry at me

If she is that's her problem. She's the one who left you hanging, and now she's doing it again. You should be angry at her. There are much better friends out there, you just haven't met them yet

She does this a lot. And I always shrug it off. I know she's scatter-brained and gets stressed out when she has too much going on. And so I always try to just move on. She is probably confused and angry that I am complaining this time when I have never complained before.

I can see being scatterbrained, I get a bit like that myself. Still doesn't make it okay though. You were really hurt by this. The least she could do is respond to you when you told her how hurt you were by her ignoring you. I repeat: if she is angry and confused it is her problem. And if she does it a lot it's about time she learned that continuing with that kind of behavior is a good way to wind up with no friends.

I think she just makes sure she's around people who can tolerate that. And up until today, she probably thought I could as well. But she has upset me many times by either waiting for weeks to follow up on something or by canceling at the last minute. A part of me know it's not personal. But another part of me is always really hurt regardless.

I don't think you are a jerk and as long as you were polite about telling here you felt hurt, you had every right to. One issue many of us have is trust and abandonment. It is possible she has not responded because she feels really bad. Remember we are all here with our own issues. However, it was good that you expressed your feelings to her in a non-hurtful way. Now it is up to her to process them.

Maybe send her a follow up note, just to say even though you were hurt you still value her and hope that everything is ok with her..... open the door but don't apologize.
Just a suggestion

I don't want her to feel really hurt

But it is personal HG. This friend sounds a lot like my sister in law who firmly believes that relationships have a giver and a taker and that those roles are fixed. SIL surrounds herself with people who will be there when she needs them and never ask anything in return. She doesn't seem to have any concept of another's pain. She's really not the kind of friend any healthy person would have or want to have.

No, that's not my friend. Definitely not.

My friend has really severe ADD. She is scatterbrained, but absolutely sincere.

You're assuming that she would feel hurt, that is admirable, but if she makes sure to surround herself with people who don't object to her flakiness I'm afraid your concern might be misplaced

What I meant by that comment is that she is the way she is, and if someone absolutely can't tolerate it, they probably won't get along, even if she makes an effort to accommodate that person.

If she is truly your friend, she will not feel truly hurt.... she hurt you and you were brave enough to kindly tell her how you felt.... give her time to process. what you said... you are a kind sweet person and one of the first people to welcome me to the forums....I can't see you hurting anyone.

Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to feel ok about expressing your feelings and give your friend time to process what she said. It is up to her now... we are all here for you

Okay, I take it back She still can't be using her ADD as an excuse (I have an ADHD dx too btw) and neither should you. She should have replied. Having ADD can be challenging, but it's not okay to go around hurting people.

It's been three hours and she hasn't said anything back. I don't want to wait for another two weeks for her to respond.

My point is that it wasn't on purpose. It wasn't personal. I have ADHD, but there are different types. Mine makes me really hyper focused on things that stress me out. Hers makes her brain shut down in the face of stress. I do understand, and that's what makes me feel even worse. I shouldn't be holding that against her. And yet I can't help but feel hurt by it.

i think we feel what we feel and there's nothing wrong with that.

relationships take work. sometimes there are aspects we have to accept about another person but that isn't the same as stuffing it down. i have friends who i know will cancel on me last minute. so i really only schedule with them during times that it's not going to be a big deal for me to hang out and play video games at home. i have friends who are always there, for them, i make the time to show up and plan something that if it fell through, would be a major bummer to me.

i guess the long and the short is that i vary emotional risk by how the person has demonstrated to be in the past. if you think a conversation with her will encourage her towards change, then you ought to try to keep that line open. if not, then find a way to heal and put her in a circle not so close to your heart.

(((HazelGirl)))
A real friend should care about you enough to get over their own uncomfortable feelings about their own mistake and not make you wait weeks for a reply. Or hours even.

I have the type of ADD that makes me shut down like that. And I do understand how your friend may be feeling. That totally does not make it okay. If I ignore and hurt my friends because I can't handle everything going on in my life then I do not deserve to have friends. That simple. I don't want to be like that. That's part of why I'm in therapy. It's a very simple thing to send a text letting the other person know that you haven't forgotten them, you're just stressed. You are working hard on your issues. You deserve better than to surround yourself with people who are not willing to work on theirs.

I can't do that with any of my relationships. I can't separate out less important and more important. All have immense value to me, and all can hurt me a lot sometimes.

I don't know why it's taken her so long to respond. I took 4 hours to respond because I was upset, and didn't know what to say or how to say any of it. But I don't know why she hasn't responded yet.