[Andropov]

I grew up in dysfunctional family. There was no physical or sexual abuse to my knowledge, but communication failure and emotional neglect did exist to some extent. I couldn't wait to get away from home as I found my parents to be overbearing and controlling. If I wanted to grow up, I had to get away.

I went so far that I moved to a different continent and also made sure that I "burned my bridges" so there was no easy way for me to return. I also cut most ties with my family back home. I haven't been back home in several years and I talk to my parents once or twice a year and only for a few minutes. I know that they want more contact and they have asked me to come home for a visit. They email and text me once a month, but I usually never respond.

I guess that I'm a bad son who neglect his parents needs. I just have no desire to talk to them. I do not hate them. They are decent people despite their flaws. I also find them reasonable tolerable and I wouldn't have any problems hanging out with them if I had to. I just can't muster up the energy required for me to reconnect with them and travel home for a visit. I would be fine seeing them for a few days, but I would also be perfectly fine with not seeing them again in this lifetime.

I know they are my parents, but for at least a decade I have had closer relationships with random Facebook acquaintances than I have had with my parent. I'm not sure where I'm going with my ramblings, I guess that I want to know if my attitudes and behavior toward my parents is a sign of me lacking empathy and that I should be concerned about my emotional detachment to them.

[Travelinglady]

I think, given your childhood, you just didn't bond closely with them. And sometimes it takes years for us to relate to our parents. Sometimes it is best for folks with toxic parents to stay away. However, in your case, a response now and then might be nice for them--and for you to see if they respond in a way that's not hurtful to you.

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by Andropov

I grew up in dysfunctional family. There was no physical or sexual abuse to my knowledge, but communication failure and emotional neglect did exist to some extent. I couldn't wait to get away from home as I found my parents to be overbearing and controlling. If I wanted to grow up, I had to get away.

That seems like pretty crumby parenting to me!

I guess that I'm a bad son who neglect his parents needs.

IMO, your parents, who always had the power and responsibilities in your family, NEGLECTED your NEEDS! So, how and why are you supposed to meet their needs after what they did to you when you had no defenses as a little kid? I'd get a copy of Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and find out exactly what you "owe" your parents from her. As far as I am concerned, bad parents don't deserve much of anything, especially if they refuse to acknowledge their failures and APOLOGIZE to their child victims!

but I would also be perfectly fine with not seeing them again in this lifetime.

Seems that you have answered your own question there.

I know they are my parents, but for at least a decade I have had closer relationships with random Facebook acquaintances than I have had with my parent. I'm not sure where I'm going with my ramblings, I guess that I want to know if my attitudes and behavior toward my parents is a sign of me lacking empathy and that I should be concerned about my emotional detachment to them.

I have no idea what the statement: "I know they are my parents" means but, IMO, anyone who is abusive or NEGLIGENT, does not deserve any special consideration or "empathy" UNLESS they get honest and apologize for their MISBEHAVIOR. If I were you (and in many ways, I was), I'd go see a counselor if my emotional detachment was a bother to me. But as near as I can tell, your parents emotionally detached from you long, long ago so perhaps they need to make an effort to "reattach" to you STARTING WITH AN APOLOGY for how they NEGLECTED you as a child!
People talk endlessly about forgiving but, I'd have a hard time forgiving someone who REFUSES to accept their failures and APOLOGIZE for damaging me when I had no defense.
The day my parents ever apologize to me MIGHT BE the day that I forgive them but not before!
good luck,
jim

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

I think, given your childhood, you just didn't bond closely with them.

IMO, they did not bond with him! I wanted to bond with my parents BUT they, not I, would not allow that to happen! My parents bonded real well with their fist child and their 3rd child - BUT NOT with me!

And sometimes it takes years for us to relate to our parents.

LOL, I totally related to my parents from the beginning but they succeeded in pushing me away with their hostility and brutality and they never did "relate" to me! I would have stayed close and "related" to both of them but they simply would NOT allow it!

Sometimes it is best for folks with toxic parents to stay away.

I agree with that!

However, in your case, a response now and then might be nice for them--and for you to see if they respond in a way that's not hurtful to you.

I wouldn't given them a chance to "respond" until AFTER they admit their mistakes and APOLOGIZE for making them! But I don't honestly believe that those kind of parents will ever take responsibility for their MISTAKES.
jim

[hvert]

I think your feelings are natural for someone who grew up with controlling and overbearing parents-- and I share your worries that I am in the wrong for doing what I can to establish distance between me and my mother rather than the close relationship I know she wants.

Is there a reason your parents have not visited you? I would wonder about that. Are their emails to you guilt trips?

[lilypup]

I had a toxic mother. I broke it off with her about 12 years ago. Now she is in hospice and needs me to handle her financial affairs. I check on her to make sure she is kept clean and fed and treated well in her group home. I make sure the hospice firm is doing its job. I am exceptionally honest in dealing with her money. Other than that, I owe her nothing. I don't feel guilty at all for not visiting her. It was her choice when she abused me.

[Andropov]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

However, in your case, a response now and then might be nice for them--and for you to see if they respond in a way that's not hurtful to you.

I did give them a call this morning and talked to them for about twenty minutes. The talk was cordial and basically just catching up. I didn't go into any deeper discussions. We don't really have anything to talk about. My mom's personality is shallower than the shallow end of the kiddie pool. My dad is a quiet man and doesn't have much to say period.

I noticed that my mom had to mention that she are using a picture of me and my daughter as the background picture on her smartphone so she could see my face every single day. Maybe I'm just too hyper-vigilant, but I perceived that as an attempt by her emotionally manipulate me. I feel that she was an emotional manipulator when I grew up and it didn't help me with the issues that still haunts me decades later.

Originally Posted by jimmy rich

IMO, anyone who is abusive or NEGLIGENT, does not deserve any special consideration or "empathy" UNLESS they get honest and apologize for their MISBEHAVIOR.

I don't think they were intentionally negligent, but I definitely think their failure to take care of my emotional needs have scared me for life. I came into adulthood completely clueless about how to take care of myself and without most basic social skills. I'm in my 40s now and I'm still not able to establish and maintain real friendships with people. Never once during my childhood did they check up on my emotional needs and development. It seems like I was supposed to be there for them and to support them and not the other way around. My dad's idea of father-son bonding was to make me follow him around and participate in whatever activity he wanted to do. I never got any parental support when it came to doing something *I* wanted to do.

Originally Posted by hvert

Is there a reason your parents have not visited you? I would wonder about that.

They visited me once more than a decade ago when I got married. The reason the give now for visiting me is that they don't have anyone to take care of their dogs. Their relationship with my siblings are also difficult. My sister moved in with the first man she could find to get out of the house and spent years in an abusive relationship.

I'm the youngest child and the FAVORITE in the family. Yes, my family was dysfunctional enough for the favorite child to take the first plane he could find out of the country just to get away.

Are their emails to you guilt trips?

Yes, guilt trips to call more often and come home to visit.

My wife have spent a couple of months with my parents, my sister, and my brother a few years ago. Her simple evaluation of my family was: "I am sorry to say this, but your family is F**KED UP".

[hvert]

I think the problem is that your parents lack empathy for you. Given all the detail you provided about their current behavior alone, it seems reasonable to me that you would not go out of your way to contact them or comply with their implied or explicit demands.

If they really wanted to see you, they could visit - and thankfully they don't, right?!

I found reading about narcissism and other personality disorders helped me understand that I wasn't just crazy to feel resentful about the way I grew up - and helped quell qualms about distancing myself from my parents. I no longer speak to my father and I avoid prolonged contact with my mother - I can take her in 90 minute bursts.

I also feel like my dysfunctional family really screwed up my ability to make friends too, btw -- and I was just wondering why one of my brothers didn't seem to have that problem and remembered that he got kicked out when he was 16! It's definitely frustrating trying to learn those social skills as an adult.

Any minimal amount of contact you give your parents is a gift to them. They're lucky you read any of their emails if they are just guilt trips.

[Andropov]

Today I was officially diagnosed with Asperger's. It explains my inability to connect with my peers in my childhood and my social ineptness. It also makes me even more upset about my parents. I was bullied in school, socially withdrawn, barely able to make the grades and even failing some of them, and I had quirks that made me different from my peers. I was drowning, but neither my parents nor any teachers ever threw me a lifeline. Nobody helped me with my homework, nobody stopped the bullying, nobody helped with me with basic social skills, and nobody ever asked if anything was wrong with me and if I needed help. I desperately needed help, but never got it.

I don't think my parents were intentionally neglectful or abusive, I just believe that they were unsuited to be parents.