[Daycia]

Hello,
I'm going to try to keep this very short as far as my issues going back 10yrs now.

First off, I've always been a bit anxious and a worrier. I had anorexia in my teens. I was outgoing. But for the last 8yrs or so now I have had huge anxiety about going out to places alone, I've actually had a couple attacks trying to go to eat dinner and or picking up food or going to a bar with friends. I have trouble talking about my emotions, feeling sad, or expressing it all therefore I lie a lot to cover my worries and feelings. Lately, I have had a big relationship problem and I'm not sure what's going to happen there.
I have attempted to OD on pills a few times in the past 10yrs, obviously didn't work and I am not proud of it. I tried to ask my doctor for help finally after about 7yrs of this. I got two prescriptions and took them without any changes. I stopped and I have NO insurance so I am scared and can't afford a lot anymore but I know I need the help and want to change!
I am getting upset at just little things like last night having to leave the bathroom before brushing my hair and taking my contacts out so my bf can go use the restroom. Ridiculous I know and we got into a fight about it. I've been given the ultimatum get help or I'm done thing. He just wants me to be happy and the way I was when we first met of course with some changes and growth that occurs in relationships.
Sometimes I feel he doesn't understand no way to talk to him and his words hurt but I can not get him to see any other point if view. One night we got into a huge fight (both drunk) I recorded the thing lead the conversation a bit trying to get him to just talk express himself to me. I made some stuff up screaming help saying he was beating me. He did 4 things that were truthful - 1. Spit in my face twice. 2. Keys scraped my neck. 3. Hand in my throat. 4. Pushing me back out of the way causing me to fall and bust my head on his guitar and floor with a concussion. Now, I was an instigator I kept getting in his way making him stay trying to hold his hands down keep him there. Of course cops came and I was ticked. I allowed him to be taken downtown even though I kept telling them no not to. They said it was out of their hands. So now my bf tells me he did nothing wrong except spit in my face he is innocent. I don't know I don't feel like he is innocent and I don't feel like I am either. He wants my support in this and try to clear his record which I feel I must. I am afraid our relationship will end though.
I have been in a very abusive relationship when I was 17. Beat the crap out of left on the side of the road. Cops did nothing. Now they decide to respond but to this when this is the only guy who's gone totally out of his way to be kind and have fun and include me in everything.
I have trust problems with my bf. His texting and fb girls all the time. Pictures of girls from online in his phone but not of me. His low sex drive with me. All of this has my self esteem really down. And I don't know how to get him to understand or get help. I've already pushed this depression aside but it's becoming a real illness worse than ever.
I need help but no insurance or money and unsure what to do for myself. I can not turn to family or friends I have no friends because of my anxiety issues. I'm just lost. I don't know what's the best route to take to to get better. If anyone has suggestions or links or help I greatly appreciate and want to kick this in the butt and feel better!!!

Thank you for listening to my "short" rant.

Daycia

[Travelinglady]

Hi, Daycia. Could you see if there's a clinic around that takes people on a sliding scale? Or maybe an individual therapist who takes people on a sliding scale? I agree that you need to get some professional treatment.

That said, I am not sure about this boyfriend. He certainly doesn't sound good for your mental health. He is abusive. I don't care that he was reacting to you. Spitting and choking are terrible things to do to somebody. And the stuff with other girls is not good at all.

We are here for you, and you can make some friends here. Many people will understand what you are going through.

Have you checked out the Survivors of Abuse forum? They can tell you what they think about your boyfriend.

And the Anxiety forum is a good one, too.

Let us know what's happening, please.

[hvert]

What about calling a domestic violence hotline? I bet they could put you in touch with free counseling services.

[Daycia]

Travelinglady,
I haven't checked the other forum. I am using an app most of the time and use the basic 4 they show me. I'll login and do some research though and posts. Thank you. I know what he did was not right. I know I pushed and am at fault as well. I know I don't need to take this and I told him last night I was ready to leave. I am only and absolutely only staying around because he needs his daughter in his life and his mom needs to be able to see her granddaughter. He would never ever harm his daughter and she's his only hope.
Hvert,
I've spoken to the detective on the case. He said it's out of my hands state will charge him. I haven't called the hotline I didn't even think about it to be honest. I will give my detective a call and get in touch with someone.
I did a bad thing...I looked at his FB again this morning and he had messages same girl again and told her it was interesting she messaged him this morning because he had a night full of interestingly spicy dreams of her in them. No reply yet from her. So I'm sitting here at work just shaking uncontrollably shaking. I want to text him I'm done right now except he is at pre-trial and that will ruin his day. So instead I messaged her on my FB apologizing for the way I acted in the past and why I did and why I felt Jeff was wrong. I told her I was sorry for being a jealous gf and gave her compliments as well as what I knew as far as conversations one sided by him. I'm trying to bring closure all around and get out before I'm hurt again.
I just figure there is no way I can bring this up to him because I am definitely wrong for looking at his stuff but he is also definitely wrong for doing and saying what he has all in my opinion but maybe I'm also wrong.

Daycia

[Daycia]

Oh! And on a side note .... Like I don't understand him. I told him I was upset he was selling his swatches because the one I wanted was in there. So he texted his friend after being upset with me without me knowing and while I was out he took it and got a battery in it for me and I'm wearing it. I mean he does things like that for me ALL the time. Why does he have to do these other deal breakers!?! It bothers me so much. And idk what to do or handle things emotionally anymore.

Daycia

[healingme4me]

I hope you come to realize that no matter how verbally heated your arguments get, no matter how jealous you get of his female friends, no matter how many times you hack into his fb, he has No Right laying a finger on you!

I'm sure it's part societal, old fashioned talk, oh she had it coming, oh she incited him, etc. It's not true.

It's honestly tough, grasping how capable another human being can offer seemingly loving gestures, yet underneath such loathing they don't think anything of battering you around. Maybe they aren't like this to others, then again maybe they are. Seems you are his emotional and physical punching bag. Yet, I get finding the good in him. Been there, done that. Hard to demonize another, when one clearly sees their own flaws and imperfections, who's to judge, right?

The state prosecutes, in an effort to try and prevent Murder. It IS that Serious. I hope you come to see how serious it is.

[healingme4me]

I was thinking last night about the fact he spit on you. After having read a book on the power of the judicial system in domestic violence cases, about 7 out of 10 restraining orders in two varying courthouses, the abuser Spat on them.

Just something to consider. ..

[lilypup]

Daycia,
You sure have a lot of your plate. I'm a little confused...you have a child with this man?
Please don't blame the police, they are only doing what is required of them.
Your relationship seems out of control. I believe a domestic violence helpline might assist you. You DO need to find the courage to take charge and clean up this mess. You do need meds and therapy. You're too young to let your life go on this way.

[Daycia]

Thank you all for your help and words. I've been thinking and thinking on this. So much I think I've got an ulcer. Therapy is something I'm looking at and testing different therapists right now. One thinks we should look at the relationship see if it's fixable, the other wants to do hypnotherapy and thinks I have PTSD from previous very very abusive relationship, a third we will see I have yet to meet her. I want to get on meds. I had some leftover trazodone that I have been taking at night and it helps me calm and actually sleep...I need to find a clinic I can go to and get prescription again for cheap (no insurance yet).
I've been keeping my distance not really talking to the bf and doing some breathing techniques when I'm really upset. I allow myself to cry (alone in the shower or excuse myself to the restroom). I'm keeping a journal even though I just started today. I hope the journal helps...it is hard because I just feel so tired and unmotivated to write in it. I have gotten a few pages so far though.
I do not have a child with this man. He has a 9yr old daughter who he only gets to see 3x a year (Christmas, Spring Break, week in summer). She is his light and he allows nothing absolutely nothing or no one to come between him being there for her. The mom is complete scum. Addicted to Vicodin curses at her own kids when high. Stole prescription pads forged for drugs. In and out of rehab with her two kids (one my bf and one from another man). Doesn't get up in the am to get her daughter to school in time therefore her daughter isn't allowed in honor choir because of tardiness/absence, yet she doesn't work lives off child support, low income housing, welfare, etc. Dating a man who is addicted. But yet TX is so against fathers having custody and it is so expensive to fight we struggle trying to just be there for her. The mother moved 8hrs away so it is tough. If we aren't careful she just goes off the grid and we won't hear from her or the kids for months and it is awful. So I know he will never get to see his daughter again if I let him be charged. Regardless if we stay together or not I cannot do that to his little girl and risk her not getting to see her dad.
I wish the change and help in myself could come faster. I'm trying to be patient and not get frustrated and not say/do the wrong thing (showing myself upset) while at home to break the uneasy tension there.
Little by little.
- side note has anyone ever tried hypnotherapy? What's it like? What did you experience or feel? Does it really work? Thanks.

Daycia

[Daycia]

Lilypup,

I don't blame the police. But, I am frustrated with them. When I really needed them they weren't ever there. When I was beaten so badly and left on a side of a road all they did was go by the guys house warn him then made it worse. Never when I called even with a restraining order was he still there when they arrived so nothing was ever done. I pressed charges, yet he still got away free and joined the Navy. Makes me so mad. This guy like 8yrs ago does this and nothing happens...this happens and I tell them no leave him here they don't listen and take him. I had an obvious concussion could barely stay awake to even write the form out (made me re-try 3x) and they took him and left me! So backwards to me.

Daycia