[indigo1015]

So, I've recently met this guy here in Denver, and he's great. There's no other word for it. He's very sweet and funny and smart, he's a very patient person (he's a middle-school teacher, and that's proof if ever I saw it!). He's a certified ski instructor, a great ballroom dancer AND he's played pool in a league. He's fantastic. And I'm stumped as to how to explain to him that I don't know how to be in a good relationship... He actually seems pretty excited to see me again, and I really enjoy being with him, but I sometimes get the impression he doesn't always understand that I need him to "stay out." What I mean by that is that he wants to know everything about me, my thoughts, my feelings, etc., and I am not at all good at opening up about those things. I honestly don't feel that he needs to know everything, either - of course, I believe in total honesty in a relationship. However, I feel I am entitled to my private thoughts, feelings, etc. And frankly, there are many things about my past that, I feel, he wouldn't understand. They might even make him turn away from me.

Part of the reason I have so much trouble opening up is because I have a basic and instinctive distrust of people - I am definitely not one of those people who wears their heart on their sleeve. People seem to think it is because I am stuck-up, which is not true at all; it is simply that I know better than to do that, after so many years of being hurt. Also, in almost all of my previous relationships, my partner and I never got personal in that particular sense. That wasn't how it worked - usually, it was a more physical intimacy, complete with abuse on his part and guilt and regret on mine. So, perhaps the fact that this guy wants to get inside my head is a good thing. I wouldn't know. What I do know is that it takes a very, VERY long time for me to be that open with someone. Maybe he'd be okay with waiting, maybe he wouldn't. However, if anyone has any thoughts or advice on this issue, I'd be willing to listen...

[Confusedinomicon]

Why don't you explain to him why you don't want him to know all of your past? Or all of your private thoughts?

Honestly, if he really likes you he will stick around. If you don't explain to him why you're shutting down/avoiding him hes going to think you're not interested in the relationship. It may also help to plan activities for dates so they don't revolve around being physical. You can reveal parts of yourself through the dates.

[indigo1015]

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

Why don't you explain to him why you don't want him to know all of your past? Or all of your private thoughts?

Honestly, if he really likes you he will stick around. If you don't explain to him why you're shutting down/avoiding him hes going to think you're not interested in the relationship. It may also help to plan activities for dates so they don't revolve around being physical. You can reveal parts of yourself through the dates.

The reason I haven't explained to him so far is because a) we still are in the early dating stage, and b) when I've tried to explain this to guys before, they've left. It seems they weren't interested in taking a bit longer to get to know someone. Also, he may not understand - he's a real extrovert, and it's been my experience that extroverts don't usually understand why introverts hesitate to share everything with them immediately.

[Leed]

If you don't want to explain to him that you want to take things slower, etc., can you just share with him selected bits and pieces, without sharing the whole ball of wax?

Perhaps you could think of a few things to share that aren't that important or don't trigger you -- and perhaps that will satisfy him. Then you could move on to the "news of the day" or something. LOL

Let HIM do all of the talking about himself. I'll bet he'd enjoy that. lol Take care & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Irine]

Originally Posted by indigo1015

. And frankly, there are many things about my past that, I feel, he wouldn't understand. They might even make him turn away from me.

Are you sure you want to be with someone who cannot understand?
of course, you can answer his question - in "I don`t feel like getting into it now" and/or turn the subject to him.

[hamster-bamster]

Just do what Lee said, for one, and gently refocus him on HIS stuff - his past, his thoughts and ideas etc. Be a gentle and interested listener. He will appreciate that.

People do not need to reciprocate everything in a relationship. If he is so open, you do not have to reciprocate. If he enjoys such conversations, fine, but let him do the talking part and you will nod and ask pointed questions from time to time.

[tinyrabbit]

He sounds kind of intense. I have to be honest: wanting to know everything about you is a big warning sign in my personal opinion.

It's not that you don't know how to be in a good relationship. You don't want to be suffocated. That's perfectly healthy.

[RieRie123]

I don't have advice per se- I can only tell you that I have thrown my life story out there at them and yeah, you either don't hear back, or they DON'T UNDERSTAND and think that they can "fix" you- all you need is love/affection.

No easy answers, but personally, I want someone who understands my disorders and maybe even has the same. I don't want someone who can't grasp how I feel.

Best wishes to you!!!

[indigo1015]

Yeah that sounds like what I want too, and it's true there are no easy answers to this question. That relationship opportunity passed when I moved, but I've had similar situations since then, so tthe question still applies :-)

Originally Posted by RieRie123

I don't have advice per se- I can only tell you that I have thrown my life story out there at them and yeah, you either don't hear back, or they DON'T UNDERSTAND and think that they can "fix" you- all you need is love/affection.

No easy answers, but personally, I want someone who understands my disorders and maybe even has the same. I don't want someone who can't grasp how I feel.

Best wishes to you!!!

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

I think I see where you're coming from, OP. Things like this can take time for me, too.

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

He sounds kind of intense. I have to be honest: wanting to know everything about you is a big warning sign in my personal opinion.

It's not that you don't know how to be in a good relationship. You don't want to be suffocated. That's perfectly healthy.

I had a friend like that; she was agonizing and drove me bat-shizz crazy. NEVER AGAIN. Some things are just personal and/or come out in time.

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by indigo1015

And I'm stumped as to how to explain to him that I don't know how to be in a good relationship...

The only thing that has worked for me so far was to study and USE some good relationship skills that I found in books and at google: relationship tips. I was also doing emotional therapy so the two combined very well for me.

What I mean by that is that he wants to know everything about me, my thoughts, my feelings, etc., and I am not at all good at opening up about those things.

Sharing meetings at 12 step groups helped me a lot to open up and speak about my fragile inner truths. That and Self Esteem work plus the relationship skills made everything come together for me.

I honestly don't feel that he needs to know everything, either - of course, I believe in total honesty in a relationship. However, I feel I am entitled to my private thoughts, feelings, etc. And frankly, there are many things about my past that, I feel, he wouldn't understand. They might even make him turn away from me.

In Codependents Anonymous, I learned about BOUNDARIES which would apply to some of what you are saying here, IMO.

However, if anyone has any thoughts or advice on this issue, I'd be willing to listen...

My only thought is that, after doing a lot of therapy and learning about good relationship skills, I am currently in a wonderful, happy and SUCCESSFUL marriage with a person who learned and uses what I did. I am pretty sure that just knowing how to make a relationship work can get most people through the relationship jungle of life even if they never bother with therapy or 12 step groups but I'm sure glad that I did go into therapy and support groups to repair some of the early childhood damages that had ruined most of my other relationships before my current marriage.
good luck,]
jim

[indigo1015]

Codependents Anonymous sounds like something that could help me, thanks for the info and for your response!

Originally Posted by jimmy rich

The only thing that has worked for me so far was to study and USE some good relationship skills that I found in books and at google: relationship tips. I was also doing emotional therapy so the two combined very well for me.
Sharing meetings at 12 step groups helped me a lot to open up and speak about my fragile inner truths. That and Self Esteem work plus the relationship skills made everything come together for me.

In Codependents Anonymous, I learned about BOUNDARIES which would apply to some of what you are saying here, IMO.

My only thought is that, after doing a lot of therapy and learning about good relationship skills, I am currently in a wonderful, happy and SUCCESSFUL marriage with a person who learned and uses what I did. I am pretty sure that just knowing how to make a relationship work can get most people through the relationship jungle of life even if they never bother with therapy or 12 step groups but I'm sure glad that I did go into therapy and support groups to repair some of the early childhood damages that had ruined most of my other relationships before my current marriage.
good luck,]
jim

[hamster-bamster]

When you say that you are not good about opening up, all you mean is that you cannot talk about these things orally.

There is writing.

There is art.

There is music. You can share with your partner the music that you like and yes, that qualifies as opening up.

There are books, pictures, any form of art that somebody created and through which you can bond with him. Say you read a book and talk about it, or maybe find a character who is a bit like you and tell your partner why so.

Then there is art YOU create, and it does not have to be a skillful creation.

There is an AMAZING exercise that is done in creative expression therapy. You are matched up with a buddy whom you might be seeing for the first time. You are given a sheet of paper and markers, pencils, etc. One person starts drawing. When she is done, the buddy draws. Then back. At some point - this is the amazing part - BOTH PEOPLE SIMULTANEOUSLY decide that the drawing is complete.

You can play this game with your partner without going into a formal art therapy group.

I distrust 12 step programs (and, they have very poor support in evidence) and would rather go into art therapy or creative expression therapy. You can go alone or with your partner - you will benefit either way.