[BrandNew]

I've been with my boyfriend a little over 2 years. It's my first serious relationship, i lost my virginity to this guy and it's the most serious relationship i've had. He's an amazing person, he's always there for me. He told me that he sees us married with kids and growing old together- we're young but it feels real and i can't imagine my life without anyone else. Everything was great however the closer we got, the more my insecurities grew and the more he realised and knew that I wasn't this confident, secure girl i made myself out to be when we first met and got together. He was one of those guys that insisted he didn't check out other girls or really even notice other girls because when he's in a relationship he tends not to look or want to for that matter. I think it's important to state that i did not ask, he came out with these things out of the blue or if i made a joke about something that included these things.

I didn't believe him. I mean he's a man, he's human, he's going to look. I confronted him yet he still denied & insisted that he didn't. I "caught" him twice & he said he didn't even realise he was doing it. He states that even though he can & does still judge whether a girl is pretty/attractive or not, he doesn't check her out or think of her in a sexual way. Checking out to him means looking them up & down, imagining what they would be like during sex & in a relationship. I told him numerous times that i'd rather know the truth than be lied to to make me feel better, that i wasn't going to get mad if he did or ask him to stop or anything. Yet he still insisted each time i asked him about it & even got annoyed one time telling me that i didn't trust him & that i needed to start believing what he was saying. He's lied to make me feel better before & he knows that I am quite insecure so really it's not that hard to believe that he's lying.

He still insists that he doesn't check out other girls however he does admit that in certain situations he may notice a girl more than usual, eg, a girl on the beach in her bikini. Though he says that he wouldn't look because he has self control. My rational mind tells me there's no problem, he's human of course he's going to get turned on & like another women's body. My irrational mind however can't stand the thought of it. He always told me that I'm the hottest girl he knows because not only do my looks beat most girls but my personality does too, therefore he really does only have eyes for me (i've never believed the whole i only have eyes for you thing but he's pretty damn convincing) but surely if he did, he wouldn't feel tempted to check out other women. The thought of him looking or thinking of another women sexually eats away & makes me feel horrible about myself.

His hearts in the right place I know that, but that very fact he could be lying to me makes my insecurities that much worse. I would rather know the truth & be able to move than have the constant uncertainty & people laughing at how "delusional" i am.

The funny thing is i have no issue with porn, watching tv or movies with him that include sex scenes or naked girls. He has a ton of female friends & i don't feel threatened at all. It's just the thought of him looking at a real girl (so not an airbrushed model or pornstar) & thinking what she'd be like in bed or what she'd look like naked, if she was better looking than me, had better/bigger boobs, a better *** etc. I just have these images of him looking & being so tempted to look that he's straining his neck not to. He's going to look at them and get so turned on that he's going to picture them when we have sex or compare them with me & think they're better.

I'm a chronic over-thinker and am trying to get help for it but I have all these different emotions I'm not comfortable with feeling any of them. I want to be okay with it and not have to rely on him for my self-worth but at the same time the thought of him doing it makes me feel bad.

Nothing traumtic has happened for me to feel this way, i've never been bullied per se but I've been called ugly more than once in the past and have even had someone ask me out as a joke. I've never been the 'hot' girl that l the guys want and it hurts to hear that all his friends say how lucky one of thier friends is because they're girl is so hot, but my boyfriend gets nothing. My friends got all the attention, I was the "plain jane", the funny one.. so i've always had self-esteem issues but because i'm with someone who could do real damage to the way i think of myself, they're a lot worse.

a) Is it possible he's telling the truth? He admits to still judging whether a girl is attractive but as far as sexual thoughts and looking at them sexually, that's a no.

b) Even if he is lying how can i feel less bothered by the fact he's probably only doing it to make me feel better?

c) How do i sop obsessing over it? We're going on holiday next month and i don't want to have my holiday ruined by my constant worrying that he's thinking about that girl with the great *** on the beach.

I've posted on so many forums about this issue but always get the same response of "get over it" or "stop being so insecure" or "men are visual" "they're hardwired this way" "it's natural" etc etc but that doesn't help me feel any better at all. I feel like i'm not normal.

People have tried to reverse the issue on me and ask if i do it. No, i really don't. I'm not blind i can judge whether another man (or woman for that matter) is good looking/attractive, it's an automatic thing my brain seems to do. I can even judge whether they have an attractive body/good muscles etc but never have i looked at a guy and thought "wow he's sexy as hell" or thought what he'd look like naked/in bed. There's nothing sexual about it, purely a judgement on attractiveness. But because I don't seem to think that "normal" people, i feel weird and as if something wrong with me.

Thanks for reading.

[Travelinglady]

Hello, BrandNew, and welcome to Psych Central! I think men are wired to look, but they don't have to take a long look. I think your boyfriend is likely being truthful.

If you can't just get this issues out of your mind, then I suggest you see a counselor about it. You might also find this forum here to be helpful: Steps to Better Self-Esteem - Forums at Psych Central.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by BrandNew

a) He admits to still judging whether a girl is attractive but as far as sexual thoughts and looking at them sexually, that's a no.

People have tried to reverse the issue on me and ask if i do it. No, i really don't. I'm not blind i can judge whether another man (or woman for that matter) is good looking/attractive, it's an automatic thing my brain seems to do. I can even judge whether they have an attractive body/good muscles etc but never have i looked at a guy and thought "wow he's sexy as hell" or thought what he'd look like naked/in bed. There's nothing sexual about it, purely a judgement on attractiveness.

These two points are exactly the same no?

You both can and have visually appreciated another person's appearance, without the whole sexual componant.

If that's accurate then yes, you are doing the very same thing as your bf, annnnd I now suddenly have no clue as to how to respond as that caught me off guard...

Me? I like beautiful things, and some people are just so damn beautiful. So because I'm visually appreciative of beauty (I like art too), I take no issue with my bf being appreciative too. I can't expect him to suddenly go blind because he's with me, and it would be unreasonable for him to expect that of me.

Idk, you're in a tricky situation, you pretended to ooze confidence, and now your bf has discovered he actually has a very insecure GF. So he's not the best candidate to assist you with this. He probably feels he was misled and that's why he got annoyed with you...

Hopefully the Healthy Self-Esteem section will be helpful to you.
Best of luck & Take care.

[lilypup]

I've been married 28 years. I'm sure my husband looks at pretty women, but most of them now are our daughter's age. I look at attractive singers or actors. I don't see the big deal. Looking is perfectly legal.

[~Christina]

My husband and I both look . Just looking. I notice beautiful women and men.

I doubt you will ever find a man that will not look at anyone ever ! That would never happen unless your boyfriend is kept in a basement and never let out.

So really this situation does fall into your lap.. Seeking some therapy to help build up your self esteem is a wonderful thing to do.. Your investing time on becoming the best you that you can be.

I wish you luck

[BrandNew]

Ok, I appreciate the replies but I think I came across wrong. It's not that I think it's a big deal if he does look. That's not he issue is: the issue is him looking and thinking they're are better and looking at them in a sexual way to the point where he is thinking about them when he's with me etc. I'm also insecure at the fact that he may be lying and am hurt the most by the fact that he's probably lying after countless times of asking him to be honest.

[Trippin2.0]

Why exactly are you 2 having conversations about women whom in his opinion are better looking than you?

I'm lost... I can't imagine (from what you've stated) that he randomly goes; "that girl's so much hotter than you babe"... so I'm having trouble mentally picturing the scenario you're attempting to paint here.

If its your opinion that they're more attractive and he's refusing to agree with your sentiment (and therefore being dishonest in your eyes) well then firstly, its still only your personal opinion, unless you can mind read.

Secondly, even if he does agree with you but refuses to admit it, that's smart, as you're insecure enough as it is and he probably doesn't want to make you feel worse about a woman that has zero effect on your relationship.

Sorry if I'm still not getting an accurate grasp of the situation, or if I'm way off base, but that's all I've got from what you've shared here.

[hamster-bamster]

You think in terms of a line that goes from negative to positive and every woman, or, in your parlance, every ***, boob, etc., can be placed somewhere on that line. Then between any two women, or any two female assets, three relationships are possible:

- one is better
- the other is better
- they tie

This is not true in real life. Such line does not exist.

You are not the only person thinking in terms of that straight line - the pop culture around us does feed us such messages, i.e. "hot or not" website is an example.

But you are responsible for your own reaction to pop culture and ultimately for your standards.

I can tell you that I am not a "hot" woman but it does not bother me because I am sultry and gracious. Not everybody needs to be "hot". There is nothing wrong in fitting the textbook case of "hot" but you can still get plenty of male admiration if you are outside of that particular rubric.

Reread the OP. Very early on you "confronted" him. What is it that he did that entitled you to "confront" him?

[A Red Panda]

You look at men and notice if they are attractive or not - yet you don't think about them while you're with him.

He looks at women and notices if they are attractive or not - yet he doesn't think about them while he's with you.

He's been telling you that he does the same thing that you do. You either trust him, or you don't. He can't do anything else to convince you otherwise, and no one else can convince you otherwise.

You're absolutely correct that it's your own insecurities. Which means that this is something which really, only you can solve. Remind yourself that he is with you, and has chosen to be with you for two years.

You're mind-reading, and you are believing your own insecurities over him. You cannot read his mind, so stop validating your fears. Each time you think he's lying, you need to remind yourself that you have NO reason to believe that he's lying and that it's your own insecurities playing tricks on you. Seriously, just tell your brain to eff off every time those thoughts pop up, and don't act on them.

What's going to eventually happen if you continue asking him and not trusting him, is that you are going to push him away. He hasn't done anything to deserve your distrust, and eventually he's going to want better than that, because he deserves to be trusted.

[Open Eyes]

It's your self esteem that feels threatened. You need to work on building your self esteem more and honestly, if a guy is going to cheat he is going to cheat, even with a gorgous girl on his arm, doesn't matter. So many beautiful stars have their husbands/boyfriends "cheat", like Jennifer Aniston and so many others now I have lost count.

Just be "you" and enjoy the relationship and learn and grow from it.

((Hugs))
OE

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by BrandNew

Nothing traumtic has happened for me to feel this way, i've never been bullied per se but I've been called ugly more than once in the past and have even had someone ask me out as a joke. I've never been the 'hot' girl that l the guys want and it hurts to hear that all his friends say how lucky one of thier friends is because they're girl is so hot, but my boyfriend gets nothing. My friends got all the attention, I was the "plain jane", the funny one.. so i've always had self-esteem issues but because i'm with someone who could do real damage to the way i think of myself, they're a lot worse.
.

Sounds like this is the type of thinking that would push a partner away, intead of drawing them closer. Who's to say, these attractive women would want anything to do with an already unavailable man?
You don't seem secure about your relationship. Personally, I guess it's more than just the fear of a new woman. What brought this on? Is there something else, nagging at you, about him, and this is just part of the equation? Something other to focus on? Would appear there's an unmet need somewhere else in the relationship that you may not be fully aware of, due to limited life experiences, per se.
What else, could there be, that has you in a tizzy about hot women?