[LifeNeglect]

Hello... This is my first post here. I have a problem that's really been bothering me a lot and I have no clue how to solve it. I was hopeful that this forum, at the very least, could give me some words of encouragement... I'll try to start from the beginning and not ramble too much...

I have a girlfriend. I've been deeply in love with her ever since I met her. I would do anything for her. I love her with all of my heart. She's a really sweet girl and I can tell she loves me too... however, I think she's really unfair. Let me explain:

Throughout our relationship, she's told me a lot of lies. I probably shouldn't have asked her questions about her past, but I'm a really insecure guy and for some reason not knowing is even more torturous than finding out. She's lied to me a lot through our relationship. Our first Valentine's together, I found out that she was still friends on Facebook with a guy that used her for sex, a one night stand. She told me that there wasn't anything going on. But I found out she was commenting on all of his stuff and liking all of his pictures to the point of making his own girlfriend jealous and messaging her. She lied to me about this and I found out... I just don't understand how nothing can be going on or be felt for this person if she does this, you know? Well... it caused a big fight. And it seems like I continued to find out things about her. She was browsing my friend's Facebook pages, and I caught her and she told me how she thought they were attractive and there was no harm in looking. It ruined my friendships...

The guy that I mentioned in the start... well, he lifted weights and is a womanizer. I started lifting weights to be happy with myself, for some self-esteem. I felt it was a contest because as I got in better shape, my girlfriend admitted to being more sexually attracted to me. This wasn't a bad thing, but then... I pushed myself too hard and I ended up injuring my shoulders to the point where my weight lifting days are over... It really broke my heart.

I love this girl to death but I feel so unhappy, you know? Like... it's a double-edged sword. I can't live without this girl. You guys have no idea how much she means to me and I love her to death but at the same time, I just feel so inadequate to her and I'm not good enough. She's lied to me so much about guys, her past, my body... I feel like she lies about everything. She tells me it's so I don't think differently of her, but the more I find out, the more heartbreaking it is. Especially when some of the things she's revealed to me she's been lying about all this time. How she used to go online and engage in sexual activities with strangers and how she thought her ex-boyfriend was ugly and was attracted to his friends, how the guy she slept with was still in a relationship (he lied to her),all the guys she's flashed, etc... I don't know what to do or how to feel. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to make her sound like an easy ***** or anything... She's a sweet girl, she was just lonely... but it still really hurts. other than me, the only other guy with that she's had sex with was that one guy (so she says...) But i seen all her cyber conversations... She was really into that stuff. It really bothers me.

I've never felt so self-conscious in my entire life. It's affected our love life and it's affected our relationship. I really don't want to lose this girl... but what can I do?

I've always been a really lonely guy. I gave up a lot of friends because I was afraid she'd browse them and it would ruin even more friendships... What do I do? How can I overcome this? Sorry to sound like an exaggerating, over dramatic 13 year old girl, but it means the world to me... I've been through a lot this year. I don't want to lose this girl but at the same time I don't want to stay with someone who I feel doesn't love me or find me attractive.. like I'm sort of just there because she was lonely and her first choices were taken. And I also am scared of being hurt from what else she would lie about. I don't want to be cheated on... It sucks...

Anyways... I'll wrap this up. I'm sorry for my whining but I just don't know where else to turn. Can someone offer me words of friendly support or advice? Thank you...

[A Red Panda]

It sounds like the lies she has told you have been through omission... and likely because she knew that you would become even more insecure. Or perhaps she was worried about being judged.

From what you've posted, I'd say that you need to work on your insecurities and that the issues in your relationship lie within you, not anything that she's doing.

Like... you stopped being friends with people because she looked at their profile pictures?!? How did you "catch" her looking at their profiles anyway? I've browsed my bf's friends on his fb... some of his friends are pretty hot - male or female! I'm not jealous of the females, and although I find some of his friends to be hot... I'm with HIM!

And the working out... sorry, but you turned that into a contest yourself dear. She gave you compliments while you were trying to improve yourself, and you then have related this to someone she was with in her past. It sounds like it wouldn't have mattered what she said in this situation - if she had said nothing at all about how your body was changing, you'd likely have assumed that she didn't think you were doing good enough.

The other guy's girlfriend messaging her? That shows the gf's insecurity, it isn't evidence that what your gf was doing was wrong - so she's maintained a friendship with someone she had a one night stand with, not really a big deal. If they had wanted more than that then they would have. How did you even know about this?

The fact is, is that she is dating you. Her past is her past, and a lot of what she's shared with you she really didn't need to. But she chose you.

If her past bothers you this much, then you shouldn't be in a relationship with her. It isn't fair to her for you to keep judging her and comparing your relationship with her past. There's nothing that she can do to change her past. She really didn't have to tell you all about her past - it wasn't lying when she chose not to tell you things. If she didn't offer the information, that's her choice. If you kept asking and she chose to not disclose, that's also not lying, it's her not being comfortable sharing that much with you. It sounds like she's had good reasons not to!

All that said, I'm really sorry that you feel so insecure about yourself. But you aren't doing anything to help the relationship based on what you've shared in this post - if anything, you're sabotaging it. She's trusted you with sharing her past - even if it took a long time for her to do so. You're judging her and not trusting her at all.

I'd focus on rebuilding the friendships that you threw away due to your own insecurities. Do you see a counsellor? One might be able to help you work through some of your insecurities. Aside from that, I'd suggest stop tracking everything your gf does on fb because it sounds possessive and a bit stalkerish.

I'm sorry if my post isn't the friendship comfort that you're wanting... but it's how I interpreted your post and I'd rather share my honest thoughts with you. I don't want to see you destroy a relationship with someone you care so much about!

Friends, lovers and significant others come and go in life. The only person we need is ourselves. We all need to learn how to be happy with ourselves. When we are healthy, our relationships are healthy. Just because we desire or love someone, it does not mean that we can be happy with them.
You will be ok. We live and learn

[NWgirl2013]

Everything said above is good and helpful, and I wanted to add a couple things too.
Your insecurity is a huge problem and something you need to work on, with a T if possible. No one can fix you except you, with professional help. And really, what are you trying to accomplish here? Controlling her? So what if she has all these extracurricular interests? It is who she is. If you don't like that about her, can't accept that without going into insecure mode, well, it is your problem not hers. She clearly lies to you because she feels you won't accept who she really is.
Perhaps, starting today, you stop obsessing so much. It sounds like you may be expressing that obsession/insecurity verbally? I hope not.

Today, start living, one day at a time. What that means is ...no thought of yesterday, no thought of tomorrow, just live in this day. Make it the best day you can.
Be the best boyfriend you know how to be. She is with you, accept her, accept yourself with her.
And while I know talking is great and necessary in a relationship, I think perhaps you are talking too much about this, and your insecurity. To her and to yourself. So stop. Save that for a journal & for a T.
You need to conduct yourself with dignity. I know that is an old fashioned thought these days, to have self control and to govern your impulses. But if you want to be your best self, the one she wants to be with, try.

Best to you ~ one day at a time.

[Trippin2.0]

I just wanted to say that I agree wholeheartedly with the replies you've gotten so far.


Good luck on your journey to a healthy self-esteem.

[IceCreamKid]

I hope you take this the right way. I mean to be helpful to you and to all the other men who write this same post with minor variations.

No girlfriend/wife/lover can fix your poor internal sense of self-worth. No external prop, be it a big income, big muscles, fame, or any other external false measure of self worth can fix your poor internal sense of self-worth. And it is unfair to ask (spoken or unspoken) any woman to be the prop to your sense of self-worth.

The absolute best thing you can do is explore with an expert (counselor, therapist, mental health professional, religious leader, guided men's group) how to find and get a grip on healthy self worth so that you can then go on to accept a girlfriend/lover/wife for the wonderful, unique individual she is with her own past and her own life before you came on the scene.

By doing this you can stop focusing on whether or not she ever touched some other man (or woman, for that matter). You'll also not have to worry constantly about the possibility that she will chase after some other man. Not because that possibility becomes totally impossible (that wouldn't be realistic) but because, having chosen a woman with good values, and having a strong sense of your own worth and a good grip on your own values, you will be ready to enter into a healthy relationship with a woman who shares your values and is willing to regard the past as the past and who is also interested in a healthy future with you (whether it be friendship, a love relationship, a marriage--the point is, it is mutual, with one person not having power over the other.

If I didn't think this was so important for people to understand, I wouldn't bother to post this. And if anyone thinks my post is inappropriate, please turn it in. I mean only to help. But it breaks my heart to see men (and women do it too) who cry over stuff that happened in the past when they are the person who chose who to connect with.

But what if your trust is broken? Deal with it if it happens and resolve to learn from it. I say it will still break down to: Getting and maintaining healthy self-esteem, and choosing a partner wisely (that means from the intelligence above the waist). Like I said, I hope this helps.

[JackBlack]

Yea man.. I have felt the same way but why the stink could we not ask about anything, past or present, and get a 100% honest and complete response? I don't understand the volumes of people here that abhor physical or emotional violence and yet give a girl a pass for lying or with-holding things that effect individual lives. And right you may be insecure, but who isn't... I wish I could lock my heart to everyone except the completely honest.... Unfortunately that'd be pretty boring and damn lonely in my case!!

[IrisBloom]

Lying/deceit/omission can seriously damage a relationship. In time, it will destroy the trust between you. There will come a time when you won't be able to tell truth from lies. Someone who has to use dishonesty to make themselves seem better has serious issues. You might need help with your self esteem, but you are not responsible for being deceived by others.

[A Red Panda]

I just don't see what she's directly lied about in the OPs post. I see the fact that she's chosen to not disclose information about her past. If anything, she's given him honest responses to things (such as saying that she found one of her exes unattractive, and that she finds some of the OPs friends to be attractive).

All of the "lies" that the OP seems to post about are her unwillingness to share her past.

Quite frankly, it's up to an individual to chose when and what to share from their past. Does it stink if someone doesn't tell you everything? Sure. But that's their perogative. She doesn't owe him anything about her past.

Yes, anyone can ASK about their partner's past, but sometimes it takes a while for someone to be comfortable sharing details. That's their own insecurities or what not. A respectful partner would allow their partner to share things on their own time and to accept them for who they are, as opposed to judging the entire relationship based on the partners past.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by JackBlack

I don't understand the volumes of people here that abhor physical or emotional violence and yet give a girl a pass for lying or with-holding things that effect individual lives...

Lying I get, I myself abhor dishonesty.



But how does her choosing to not disclose details of her past affect his individual life exactly?


Because apart from his insecurities it has no bearing on their current relationship and its only directly affecting him due to his pre-existing issues, which are not her cross to bear...



Unless your past carries the potential to bring diseases into your present, I don't see how or why details absolutely have to come up.


Others want to and do share freely, there's nothing wrong with that either, comes down to being an individual choice.


People have the right to privacy or does that not apply to relationships?


Also... You may want to think twice about comparing the general disdain for abusive relationships and this situation... Firstly apples and oranges, secondly, PLENTY survivors of abuse here, so a little consideration before making such statements is advised...

[lilypup]

I am really old but I am amazed at how much trouble social media can cause. Other than that you got excellent advice.

[JackBlack]

Not only does your past have the potential to carry into the future ... It actually does silly.
I will say that our pasts do repeat themselves very frequently and so maybe keep the eyes open. If I intended to date a girl and it comes up that she was arrested twice for domestic violence and her friends felt like she was a "stalker" at one time in her life then I would be stupid not to be cautious. Personally I would demand an explanation up front for these situations prior to proceeding. Even if she were Perfect in ever other way and the reason being that if the past itself doesn't repeat itself then I know she was at least impacted by her own previous acts. Do you indeed be tripping if you think I'm not asking and demanding upfront full answers. I've had crazy and it wasn't because considered this. Rather I buried my head and believed that "she'll share freely when she feels it's important"
there's nothing more helpful than the opinions of one that's been there!

[A Red Panda]

You don't need to insult others Jack.

If someone demanded to know all of my information upfront, before I was comfortable sharing it, then I would end that relationship ASAP. It shows a distrust of me and I don't deserve to be treated like that.

Does that mean that people who are otherwise s**theads will manage to be in relationships for a long time before their true colours show? Yes. That's how people end up in abusive relationships. But it doesn't give anyone the right to demand to know someone else's past information just because they have their own issues.

The OPs girlfriend's past doesn't have anything at all to cause the OP concern - she's never cheated on someone! Yes, she's been a bit more risque in some ways that the status quo, but she hasn't done a single thing wrong in her past and she has no reason to HAVE to share it with her bf.

And Jack... just because you've been lied to (as have many, many, many people on this board.... there are loads of survivors of abuse on here) doesn't mean that you know everything. Just as I don't know everything. Your opinion isn't more helpful or less helpful than others - although you are shading your advice based upon your own experiences moreso than the OPs post.

[JackBlack]

I stopped reading your editorializing as soon as I read "she hasn't done a thing wrong in her past"...
Clearly when you reach young adulthood you'll realize everyone of us has made mistakes in relationships.. Perhaps hundreds. I would just finish with the fact that it's important for everyone to recognize that and mistakes are mistakes. Forgive yourself but educate yourself intensely

[JackBlack]

Ok then.. There is a good point that is recognized here. Red panda bear says that I am sharing from my own point of view and from my personal experiences. She has come to understand that and exactly and that's a big bonus. Whatever is said on any post is indeed just that ..the individual problem as viewed and in the context of the writers personal experiences. Even the hostility or the insistence that some people have never done wrong when responding to another persons dilemma incites those emotions and ultimately the post tells us what they think cerebrally But also about their OWN areas of discord and prior life issues
Sometimes I get more out of the emotional reaction from somebody that has been run over rather that any advice that they may think would be helpful.

[~Christina]

Most everyone has a past and no that past doesnt have to be declared ..Its a personal choice what to disclose. If someones past bothers you well then its best to break up with them and find a virgin with no history.

Op: I am sorry your going through such a hard time I do think you would benefit seeing a Therapist to process what your needs and wants are in a relationship.

I wish you the best

[PapoPez22]

I agree with all the people that say you need to work on your insecurities. I get that you may feel disappointed with your loved one's past, but you can't get caught up on that. Move on, she chose to be with you. Make her proud of being with someone like you. And the only way to achieve that is by being proud of yourself and with who you are. Is not an easy task, get professional help if necessary.

And in the end, if you feel you are too deceived to trust her for whatever the reason, then you can't be with her: there's no way to be happy in a relationship if there is no trust.