controlling/toxic mother

Hi all,
My therapist told me to read the toxic parent book by susan forward and it really hit home for me.

Recently my mother has done some awful, manipulative things because she does not like the guy I am dating. She has met him once, and seemed fine with him after the first meeting, but something in the past few months went off in her head and she decided that he was a terrible person. She did some awful things like talking behind his back and my back about how he has no future job prospects, under the guise of how 'she is really worried for me'. It was completely overblown and insane, and not to mention her overstepping her boundaries. It was also revealed that she told my father some negative things I said about him in confidence to her-- mainly when consoling her when she comes to me about how upset she is in her marriage. Her and my father had an arranged marriage and she has never been happy with him. What she does is triangulation. She says that if I were to marry this guy, it would be bad news, because she just has a feeling about it. She also had a problem with my ex-bf (who I ended up not marrying, but not because of her being controlling).
The recent issues have left me feeling completely betrayed. It is obvious that I cannot trust my mother as she has no qualms about talking to random coworkers about my personal life or telling my father things I tell her in confidence. She seems to see nothing wrong with this, as she thinks she's just doing this for my own good (controlling).

I guess it is really hitting home that my mother has disappointed me also. I'm used to my father being a disappointment, and I felt that at least I had my mom. But her meanness towards my boyfriend is uncalled for and hurtful. He has done nothing to warrant her doing this to him and hating him so much. If I called her on this, she would just say 'she has a feeling about him'. The entire thing is upsetting, and while I do not plan on severing ties with my parents (though I should), I have decided to distance myself emotionally and not tell them anything about my life. I guess I can chalk this up to her being depressed and miserable, and possibly having some kind of mental illness, but somehow that doesn't make me feel better.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of stuff and can share?

Wow, I just came on here to make a thread with about the same title. I think your idea about keeping information about your life to yourself is a VERY good one. My life improved once I stopped giving my parents information about what I was up to. They only seemed to use any information I gave them for their own purposes. The less you say, the better.

And you are right, that knowing your parents are sick doesn't really make it any better when it comes to dealing with their behaviors.

I agree. Also, with her being so controlling and not being able to give a real reason for disliking your boyfriend she's most likely threatened by your relationship because you simply won't be close to her. Continue on with your idea; it'll take you far.

My mother was very controlling and never liked any of my boyfriends. I realise now, she just wanted the best for me. I have to say she was right many times, but it was the way she went about it that made me mad.
My mother never let me grow up and when I reached adulthood I had a very hard time adjusting to the world. Listen to what your mom has to say, think about it, then make your own decision.

Sorry your parents are so controlling, I think the idea of limiting the information you give them is a very good one. If they don't know about it they can't bother you about it.

Thank you all for the support.

I have a few friends who've dealt with a similar thing, but unfortunately I feel that their parents aren't so extreme in their reactions, in terms of the meanness and manipulation. What I am unable to stand is how she claimed my bf was lying to me about his work situation, and was conferring with her coworkers that he was lying. She also keeps claiming he's beneath me and my friends wouldn't tell me the truth, but she that will. Again, she's met him once, has no real basis for this, but I am sure she will just say that she 'has a feeling' about it.

It's hard for me to think she wants the best for me, when she causes me so much pain. I already was limiting the amount of information I told her, only telling her the good things, that my bf got promoted at work, was doing well, but she twisted it to say that he was lying to me about getting promoted. I guess on the positive side, at least she wasn't calling up his boss to confirm whether he was really working there or not...

It is just hard for me to understand why she is on the warpath with him. Another thing she does is call up psychics who tell her he is controlling and manipulative and that he has manipulated me into staying with him. None of this is true, but she believes that it is. So this has turned into a total overblown nightmare. It makes me feel really sad that this is happening, because I don't think she realizes what she is doing. I didn't like my father growing up, but I consoled myself bc my mother was there for me. However, I am realizing that she has done really terrible things as well. It really stinks and I know I need to look forward, but it is still really hard, bc I feel betrayed by the one parent I thought had my back. The only sort of consolation I guess is that it's her not me, because she doesn't talk to any relatives anymore and doesn't really have any friends.

It is unfortunate bc me and my bf are no where near getting married and we are on our own timeline. Our careers are more important at the moment, so I am not sure why my mother is creating all this drama now. Again, I guess she has some kind of undiagnosed mental illness. Just wish I could figure out what and wish someone would diagnose her.

Jolisse- this is good to hear. Not sure if you want to share more about how you dealt in the end. My mom will say she wants to best for me, but in my opinion, she would rather me marry someone rich and that's all she cares about. Being an immigrant, money is very important to her. The only thing I think will make her relax is if my bf gets a lucrative stable job. I think she would rather me marry someone I'm incompatible with who is rich! That was always her qualm with my ex bf and it seems to be the major issue with my current one.

I don't think your mother wants the best for you. She wants the best for her. She somehow derives enjoyment from exerting control over you, maybe because so much has happened to her that is outside of her control? Who knows.

My mother once told me that a guy who had dumped me rather cruelly two years earlier was the only boyfriend of mine that she ever liked, like I should go back to him.

The situation you have with your mother really reminds me of my situation. When my parents got divorced, my father financially abandoned us. My mother worked three jobs and sacrificed a lot to take care of us. It was nice of her to do that. For years I admired her for it and scorned my father for abandoning us.

However, that 'niceness' does not make up for the controlling/martyrdom/etc. I was the oldest female. My mother used me like a friend because she did not have many of her own and really made it hard for me as an adult to have normal relationships with other people. I still struggle with it.

So I think you are on the right track to be questioning your mother's judgment, witholding info, and trying to live your own life on your own terms. It does get easier with practice to distinguish between appropriate maternal behavior and inappropriate nosiness.

hvert- you hit the nail right on the head.

it was a huge disappointment for her that my father didn't make that much money in the end. She feels like she couldn't control that, or maybe feels like she shouldn't have decided to marry him so quickly and it could have been avoided. So all she cares about now is that I find someone who makes $$. Also, in her own family, having money was really important. I think she may have felt like her parents didn't like her as much as her siblings bc she didn't marry someone wealthy, like her siblings did (side note- the siblings who did marry rich were NOT happy).

Yes- it is hard because she can be very nice at times. Prior to this recent fight, I even told her she was a nice mother. My father keeps telling me that she's done so many things for me, but that doesn't mean she can act the way she does towards me.

Yep- she treats me like a friend, and sometimes I've even told her it wasn't appropriate. But bc of that, she thinks it is ok to overstep boundaries. Anyway a tough lesson to learn but I needed to learn it. I'm sure she'll be mad when I stop telling her anything about my life, but she brought it upon herself.

And yeah- my ex who she didn't like, she now pretends like she never was opposed to him. She claims that when I broke up with him she kept asking me if I was sure. Total BS.

I love that she changed her mind about your ex!!!

The whole 'nice' thing really bothers me. I am not sure if your mother is like this, but mine will do something 'nice,' but then complain about what a sacrifice she is making - when she could have just said no in the first place. Or she will do something nice that is really just a way to exert control.

So I think it is okay to be done with nice and sacrifice. She is making a choice. If she doesn't want to be nice, she can stop. If she's being nice just so you will do what she wants, that isn't actually nice at all, you know? They are very tricky!

omg she has totally forgotten that she didn't like him. It annoys me and naturally if I call her out on this, she'll throw it back on me, and say I was the one who ultimately decided not to be with him. She only now is ok w/him bc he isn't a threat anymore.

I think mine feels bad and will do nice stuff, but it usually consists of buying me something. I just think she doesn't know any other way to be nice, and material things is the only thing she knows.

I think it's a martyr complex/narcissistic personality disorder/control thing, what your mom does, maybe? So much of this stuff is in the toxic parent book!

Ohh...

Whatever you do, don't put a single ounce of faith in that. Your mother sounds exactly like mine. She knows it annoys you and that's why she does it. My mother feigns ignorance, 'forgets' things countless times only for her to throw it in my face not too long after. She'll miraculously remember the next time she's angry by you asserting your independence...

Then she'll turn around & do a small gesture - usually a material thing. Most of the time it's a little thing she knows I will like, something that portrays her as thoughtful...

Then the cycle continues...

Exactly why I've completely shut her out. Feeling bad about doing wrong then doing something nice to get what is desired is NOT being nice - that's being MANIPULATIVE. She has NO idea of what's going on in my life. Like yours, she'll never admit fault.

Not to say you have to do the same; just saying to be extra careful.

I honestly think she does it because she doesn't know any other way to be nice and does feel guilty about how she's treated me. I really do think she means well and doesn't know how to show it any other way. Unfortunately, it's a little too late and I'd rather her just be nicer rather than buy me stuff. Moving forward, I know to censor even more stuff I tell her and get some distance. It's unfortunate that it's come to this, and I'm sure she won't realize why I've distanced myself. Always someone else's fault. I wish I could be like that! I always blame myself!

Yes, I think my mother is a martyr/npd/control freak type person! I have to get this book you're talking about.

My mother also buys stuff (and then complains that we don't spend as much money on gifts for her). She is still 100% supporting one of my brothers who is in his 30s and throws money frequently to another. Money is another form of control - she was going through the TRASH one of my brother's generated when he was there, to make sure he wasn't throwing away anything that was still good, like a shirt that could be cut into a rag or something.

Interestingly, she seems pretty normal to other people.

Well some of that info is from my own research, but yes-definitely read the book. Like I said, it was eye-opening when my therapist told me to read it. So spot-on!

Ahhh! Mine does that too with the gifts. If she doesn't get a gift, it's a big deal. Of course she complains about gifts she doesn't like either.

Mine actually has very few friends, if any. So it's not hard for me to realize SHE has a problem. She is just mean/weird with everyone.