[Longboarder]

I am not sure if people can give me any useful thoughts here. I have tried to post on other forums and felt like it didn't help any ..

Anyway, I have dated this woman for 10 years who is 8 years older than me who I will call Crissy. During that time I had also dated some other women, but only really two others for any length of time. I am in my early 50's

I am not saying I advocate dating different women at the same time, but I find myself in this situation because something about Crissy I like alot or can't seem to let go of. She is very nice and not pushy or critical. She does not get angry at me the way alot of women may do at odd times. She is old fashioned
and not hard to please. She is not demanding, she is very sensitive. She is easy to cheer up. When her mother died, I spent alot of time helping her feel better by trying to get her to look at life a certain way which was mostly from alot of spiritual books I read. She liked what I said quite a bit and it helped us develop a connection. I have not hidden from her that I have dated other women, though we don't discuss it alot.

The difficult part is that I don't find her very physically attractive and she does not seem especially sensual in terms of kissing and all. We hold hands, hug and kiss in a non sexual way so it is like we are friends. I am not especially sexually active compared to alot of men probably anyway. I was also influenced by tantrism, yoga and asceticism to some extent

[kaliope]

hi longboarder
from your description, it sounds like you have found an ideal companion in crissy. i can see why it is difficult to let her go. the struggle is the physical part of the relationship. without the fireworks, this keeps crissy from being "the one". while you may find others who meet your physical needs, they are unable to adequately match crissy's emotional, mental and spiritual temperment which you have grown so fond of. you admit, you are not the most sexually active man, but how important is this to you in the relationship when it comes to having the rest of crissy's qualities in your life when you are looking at long term companionship compared to having the fire works and not having those qualities in a woman?

welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[A Red Panda]

Do you want more physically from her?

There's nothing wrong with the relationship that you have together, if you are both happy. Having sex is a choice, and like everything else in a relationship there is compromise involved. If you don't want to have more physical intimacy than you are getting, then it's all good!

If you are wanting more physically from a relationship.... then there is nothing wrong with just having Crissy as a very established friend. You can remain close friends with her and develop other relationships; sort of like what you are doing. But if you want a meaningful, sexual, relationship then you will likely have to severe the limited physical intimacy that you have with Crissy.

I'm not sure if any of this is really helpful or not, because I'm not sure if you're wanting to develop more physical attraction/intimacy with Crissy or not.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Longboarder

but I find myself in this situation because something about Crissy I like alot or can't seem to let go of.

If she's not the complete package that you want, physical intimacy does matter in a relationship. Is there something wrong with the status quo, where you spend time with her but are free to date other women?
What is creating in this situation a need to seek advice?

[Longboarder]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

If she's not the complete package that you want, physical intimacy does matter in a relationship. Is there something wrong with the status quo, where you spend time with her but are free to date other women?
What is creating in this situation a need to seek advice?

I don't know really. I just take it one day at a time. I have a camp 200 miles away up in the woods with no electricity. I have a friend up there - Annette who I have known for a couple of years. Sometimes when I am up there, Annette visits, other times I like to be alone there or she may come up later in the weekend or not all all. Especially in the cold weather because I may not like to be cooped up inside a small 300 square foot area with her for very long. Anette seems to like me alot and I don't try to encourage her to visit me, but she likes to. I find her more physically attractive but she talks alot and sometimes seems moody and sometimes has gotten angry at me and yelled at me. I can't picture myself living with her if I ever wanted to, though we are friends. I do sometime fool around with her a little, but it can make me feel guilty. I sometimes feel like if I abstain from all sexual activity, then I will eventually get stress headaches which used to happen to me many years ago.

I would also say I have doubts about meeting a certain type of dream girl or having any expectations that I could find a deep relationship without numerous conflicts and troubles.

I tend to feel I am not an ideal ladies man because I have too many diverse interests and so on at least for long periods of time in my life

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central Longboarder!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator by left clicking on their name in blue to the left of their post if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

I'm sorry for your struggles. Have you and Crissy discussed your physical intimacy? Perhaps she is holding back because of her spiritual beliefs? Perhaps she's holding back and saving herself for you. You'll find we have a safe and supportive community. I'm glad you've joined us.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

[divine1966]

. does she want more? Is she dating others too? Ten years with a man and no commitment or intimacy? How does she feel about this?


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[CANDC]

Hi longboarder. I find it is difficult to know which way to go. Of the two women you mention, I like the idea of the safer Crissy than the fiery Annette. Of course it is totally your decision and need to evaluate how you feel. To me over 50 is more a time of relationships. It may be you are more a caregiver or just a pal to Crissy than you want to be. But sometimes being needed can be more important than being wanted. That is a highly personal decision.

Have you ever discussed with Crissy about if she has any thoughts of being closer to someone or what she sees in her future? She may not be the flame of your life, but she sounds like a good buddy for someone over 50 with less drive to express.

Glad you have joined our community. Many people here at PC find they can share these feelings and what they are going through with the confidence that people go through similar things and can empathize. So many forums are offered as well as Chatrooms (after you have 5 posts or comments on others posts). Depression chat meets on Thursday night at 9pm EST and Anxiety Wednesday at 8PM.

You can also be an active member in other ways like supporting others in their questions, reading articles and posts http://forums.psychcentral.com that are applicable to your area of concern.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Longboarder

I don't know really. I just take it one day at a time. I have a camp 200 miles away up in the woods with no electricity. I have a friend up there - Annette who I have known for a couple of years. Sometimes when I am up there, Annette visits, other times I like to be alone there or she may come up later in the weekend or not all all. Especially in the cold weather because I may not like to be cooped up inside a small 300 square foot area with her for very long. Anette seems to like me alot and I don't try to encourage her to visit me, but she likes to. I find her more physically attractive but she talks alot and sometimes seems moody and sometimes has gotten angry at me and yelled at me. I can't picture myself living with her if I ever wanted to, though we are friends. I do sometime fool around with her a little, but it can make me feel guilty. I sometimes feel like if I abstain from all sexual activity, then I will eventually get stress headaches which used to happen to me many years ago.

I would also say I have doubts about meeting a certain type of dream girl or having any expectations that I could find a deep relationship without numerous conflicts and troubles.

I tend to feel I am not an ideal ladies man because I have too many diverse interests and so on at least for long periods of time in my life

Would Chrissy be compatible in such a scenario?

Sounds like there's apprehension because of moods and being yelled at by Annette. And with winter approaching, this weighs heavily?

[unaluna]

The French say all cats are gray in the dark.

Pardon me but I am trying to figure out just what your post is about. Are you trying to figure out why you don't have a relationship with this woman? Are you telling us you want a relationship with this woman? Or, are you pointing out your justification for wanting this woman in your life for none other than to be a confidant?

If it is either of the first two I think having other women in your life is a big problem, especially that you turn to one as a confidant.

If it is the latter I'm just not sure where you are going with that. You make a great case why your relationship should be limited to an extra strong friendship.

Whichever way this goes I am thinking that you need to be honest with both she and yourself.

[Longboarder]

Originally Posted by divine1966

. does she want more? Is she dating others too? Ten years with a man and no commitment or intimacy? How does she feel about this?

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I used to fool around with Chris occasionally. I tried to keep this to a minimum for various reasons. After her mother died in 2008 it seemed to tail off. It seems perhaps that for me, when the woman is partially the initiator I find it easier, although I am not always looking for that; it's just that as I said if I don't have any sexual contact of any kind for say 6 months, it can happen that I may get stress headaches. I think Chris is also sensitive because one time a few years ago when she wanted to fool around and I wasn't interested she took it as rejection and since then has not shown much interest. She is a super nice person but just doesn't seem to be naturally sensual I guess.

Annette tends to be more aggressive in that way and I guess she has a certain touch but certainly that type of thing is not everything by any means.

[Longboarder]

Originally Posted by rcat

Pardon me but I am trying to figure out just what your post is about. Are you trying to figure out why you don't have a relationship with this woman? Are you telling us you want a relationship with this woman? Or, are you pointing out your justification for wanting this woman in your life for none other than to be a confidant?

If it is either of the first two I think having other women in your life is a big problem, especially that you turn to one as a confidant.

If it is the latter I'm just not sure where you are going with that. You make a great case why your relationship should be limited to an extra strong friendship.

Whichever way this goes I am thinking that you need to be honest with both she and yourself.

She is a fiend because I don't have any kind of big social life and I don't like to spend too much time by myself. I only post on here because at times I feel some sense of doubt about the situation, that is all.

I occasionally talk to women on dating sites, but sometime I find relationships with women challenging as things don't always go too far after a few dates or chatting etc. I don't always expect too much to happen on that front.

[divine1966]

Would you ever consider monogamous relationship with one person? Is it emotionally satisfying to just fool around with two women?

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[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Longboarder

I feel some sense of doubt about the situation, that is all..

It already seems there's hesitation about both? What types of doubts are you having?

[Longboarder]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Would you ever consider monogamous relationship with one person? Is it emotionally satisfying to just fool around with two women?

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I date two women, but I only fool around with one of them; The other one (Chris) I hold hands with, hug and kiss in mostly a non sexual way. I used to fool around with her maybe 5 years ago... I find I like her and spend alot of time going out to dinner with. I have been going out with her for almost 11 years. I see her a couple of times a week and often sleep on her couch or porch one or two nights a week. Her mother died in 2008 and I helped her get through that by constantly trying to cheer her up all the time.

The woman that I fool around with lives 150 miles away near where my camp is.

[Longboarder]

I am not super sexually active and I also spend time alone at my camp sometimes. I am influenced by tantric yoga so I don't always look for total satisfaction and tend to take it slow .. I don't like hurting peoples feelings either.