[Me and my dog]

Can anyone tell me how to deal with a significant other who thinks they have the answers to all my issues? What do you do when you love someone who tells you they're going to leave you if you can't "fix" your problems, but you don't know where to begin. I know my depression effects her in negative ways and God knows it's not my intention. To me, everyday I'm still walking, breathing and living in a victory. She's told me if I don't fix myself it's over... I work out of state, out of region. I live in Florida and have been in Vermont for the last 2 weeks. I'm depressed and probably more sucidal than I've ever been trying to provide and just do what a man should do yet when I have those lonely nights... usually every night... i hear how weak I am and how she's going to leave of I can't get my head right. Should I care? Should I keep trying to support her at the expense of my own personal well being? She doesn't, so I ask the forum... had anyone loved their significant other to the point they put their own well being at risk? I'm looking for any answers. Someone to talk me down. I fly out Sunday night and at this point suicide seems better. Why? ***** I don't know. I know those feelings aren't normal, but they're the only ones I have.

[SnakeCharmer]

Me and My Dog, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds as if you're in a crisis stage right now and your thinking has turned hopeless. But there is help and hope for depression and suicidal thinking. I hope you will see a doctor as soon as possible, either in Vermont or when you're back in Florida. You could possibly benefit from medication and a referral to a therapist who can help you work through both your depression and your relationship problems.

In direct answer to your question ... yeah, I know people who have put their well-being, their finances, their families, their children, their freedom or their lives at risk because they felt so much in love and so emotionally dependent on another person that they couldn't think straight. It happens to a lot of people, both men and women.

I don't know what's wrong with your relationship, if she's a good companion or good influence on you or if you'd be better off if she left. But right now that's not really important (although it may feel like the most important thing to you at the moment.) What really counts is YOU. You're important whether you're in this relationship or not. But right now it sounds as if you're losing yourself and that's not a good thing.

I hope you will keep posting here. And that you will see a doctor as soon as you can for your depressive feelings, regardless of what happens in your relationship. Do it for yourself. Therapy can help you figure out what to do next and how to help yourself be the person you want to be. I hope you're able to fix yourself ... for yourself. It works better that way. Right now your motivation may be low. Please take this step as soon as you can so you can start recovering from the pain of this depression. You deserve it.

I wish you the best.

[hvert]

It sounds like the relationship is a huge source of stress in your life. I don't think you should do anything at the expense of your well-being when it makes you feel like you are being pushed over the brink.

In terms of dealing with her, have you told her flat out that she doesn't have all the answers and that it doesn't work that way? And that ultimatums are inappropriate? And that all this pressure just makes you feel worse, to the point that you dread going back home?

[nicoleflynn]

Feelings aren't abnormal, right or wrong, they simply ARE and should be recognized and respected. Call a suicide hotline, a friend......It is obvious your SIg. other isn't very significant in your life; she sounds shallow and unempathic

[ChipperMonkey]

Your SO does sound completely unsympathetic. Its never just about the ill (for lack of a better term) person fixing themselves. The relationship needs work, too. I have a feeling that you may have a long term issue with depression, so its not just a matter of fixing yourself. Its a matter of healing to the best of your ability, and if you still have symptoms then you need to learn to deal with them the best that you can. But "fix" yourself? I see this as a losing battle. If your SO doesn't support you at all, then why be with her?

[Me and my dog]

I'm with her because I know nothing else. I'm 45 and this February will... would... should be our 25th anniversary. She was my first real love and I'm not sure how to live without her.

There's more to my situation than I told last night. Last night was a terrible woe is me night and I probably left out enough that attitudes towards my story will change. I do suffer from depression, obviously. A little on the deep end of it, but throw in a nasty case of bipolar.... which I do seem to have a little more control over, but when it dose come out... I can rage to the point of blacking out. I didn't believe her about this until she took video of me on her phone during one of my incidents. I was rude, i was vulgar thank God not violent. Physically anyway. Growing up as an abused kid has given me some morals. I know the verbal abuse is awful and uncalled for, but Ive never raised my hand to her or my kids.

Ive found a online therapist I kinda feel comfortable with to work on my mental problems. I go to DBSA meetings here and luckily its national and for the most part available in many areas I work, but she wants me to admit myself and be put on meds and Im so against the pills. Too many stories in group... and personally seeing the effects of someone playing musical chairs with your mind. I can't possibly cry anymore during a day than I already do. It gets bad enough i hyperventilate. A woman who seemed to be coping pretty well came in to group balling her eyes out and when asked what was wrong she replied her psych had switched her meds.

I'm totally freaking lost. My wife is more than a good person. She's been a great mother to my girls and put up with more crap from me than anyone should ever have to deal with. I'm quite lucky to still have her. I'm sorry at the time I posted I was in a me state of mind, but as always it's appreciated that one can find a person to relate here. Kinda like a second family that understands a lot more than the first one.

[hvert]

That's a really hard situation. I don't know how you resolve something like that.

Would you be willing to compromise with her? Agree to take meds for six months and then re-evaluate? If they didn't work, she would see that with her own eyes. If you are already miserable and don't want to lose her, maybe it's not a bad thing to try. It wouldn't be forever, just a few months, right? I'm not saying that this is the path you should take, just throwing it out there as an idea.

[SnakeCharmer]

hvert's suggestion is a wise one. You have a lot invested in your relationship and family. It would be a shame to lose it all because you've met people who didn't respond well to meds. and they've kind of scared you away from the idea.

Outpatient can work well for people who don't need to be in a protective environment due to violence toward self or others. A psychiatrist in your home area could be the person who prescribes and monitors meds. They don't usually want to see people weekly, so it would likely be possible to work around your traveling schedule.

And, of course, therapy. On-line therapy can work. Seeing that you travel, it might be the best option for you. Somewhere down the line, you and your partner may benefit from some couples counseling because a lot of resentments and fear and misunderstanding can build up over the years.

I'm going to ask a personal question, more for you to think about than to answer here if you don't feel like it. Do you drink alcohol or use any drugs of any kind, either prescription or recreational? Maybe not all the time, but sometimes?

I ask because you described going into rages where you insulted your partner, but you didn't know it until she videoed you. People do have blackouts and memory loss for mental health issues. It happens. But the number one cause of such memory blackouts is drinking. Or downer drugs. Or drugs and alcohol combined.

If you're having episodes of rage, shouting and name calling you don't remember, it's really important that you do something about it ASAP. Your partner may be strong enough to handle it, but it can really be hard on your kids.

If it's from bi-polar disorder, you really do need to see a psychiatrist and talk about meds. But if these things happen when you're drinking, it's time to look at alcohol as the cause. People can undergo a complete personality change while intoxicated. While in an alcohol-induced blackout, people can do things they wouldn't do sober in a million years. People can even forget they were drinking or that they kept drinking into the night. They think maybe they had a couple. It might be wise to ask your partner if you were drinking when she videoed you.

As people get a little older, their tolerance to alcohol can be reduced and a relatively small amount of alcohol, compared to what they could drink when younger, can cause a memory blackout and some outrageous, out of character behavior.

Just something to think about. If any of these rage episodes that you don't remember have happened when you were drinking, I strongly suggest you forget your partner's request to enter a mental hospital and instead check into an alcohol treatment center -- either in-patient or out-patient.

For one thing, combining psychiatric drugs with alcohol can be extremely dangerous. It's best to deal with the alcohol first, then after a period of sobriety the psych problems can be looked at without them being complicated by drinking or recreational drugs or alcohol-induced episodes of shocking behavior and memory loss.

If I'm way off-base, please forgive me. But it seemed worth mentioning.

I wish you the best.