[DvlDog0351]

First off I want to say that I am very quickly running out of the ability to deal with my situation in a positive and appropriate manner. That being said, I guess I need to give background on what it is that is the issue at hand.

My wife and I have been married now ten years; we just celebrated the big 10. Our relationship is great we are best friends and we love each other's company. We have a six year old daughter and a two year old son, and our family is pretty content with life for the most part.

Our issue is that outside of the clinical experience of getting pregnant with our children there is little to no intimacy in our relationship, and my wife seems to be just fine with that.

Now do not get me wrong, I am not the ultra sensitive wear my feelings on my sleeve kind of guy but I do and am capable of expressing affection, love and admiration with the best of them. I am a former Marine and I tend to not complain about things much as I know from experience that there are serious issues in this world that need to be complained about. That being said I do not keep my feelings from my wife and we have had numerous discussions about the issue over the years. All have gone the same way and now have become like a broken record, I detail out my concern for the lack of intimacy in our relationship and she agrees and says she will work on being more intimate with me. Now I am not just referencing sexual intimacy I am referring to the slightest level of intimacy.

When I met my wife, I had just gotten over a 2 year divorce and began dating again, she was a younger, open minded young woman who I found myself drawn to with a good upbringing and came from a pastor father and devoted mother who enjoyed over 50 years of marriage themselves. She was at the time I met her inexperienced in relationships never having had any long term relationships, but in many ways she knew more than I did with all of my experience put together. She created a wonderful relationship with my twin girls from my first marriage and continues to maintain that to this day. All in all she was perfect. (I know there is no such thing.) She wife had saved her virginity for the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with so when our relationship started going that direction I treated it with care to insure I didn't do anything to change her ideas about the physical side of love.

Fast forward to now and ten years later and the physical intimacy have not grown in her at all, she still shows no sign of interest in common intimacy nor any level of passionate intimacy within our relationship. She reads romance novels and speaks of intimacy and when we have our talks, she expresses that she wants intimacy but she is either not being honest with me or herself or incapable of intimacy.

She has no reaction to my attempts to hold her hand as an example, there is no pulling away but there is no feeling of acceptance either. It is like she has to consciously force herself to respond then letting me hold her hand. As far as love making goes I can't tell you how much the rejection has taken a toll on me. I am not use to being rejected and I am really struggling with it at this point. The reasons why she doesn't want to have gone from hostility to there is a TV. show she would rather watch. Or it just isn't a covenant time. I hear "I am tired" a lot as well. It is just wearing me out to the point where I do not even bring it up anymore. I don't give up easy either.

My wife will not initiate any form of intimacy nor will she participate so we have just gone without it in our marriage. I have also noticed other things as well that have me concerned. Example, her tendency to naturally like and express more of a masculine personality. She is 5ft. 6 in. and I am 6ft. 1in. but you would think she was a former Marine if you were to listen to her stance on social issues and numerous comments about everyday events. Example her tendency to like men’s color options in fashion and footwear over the female options we see in stores. No again she does not present herself as a gender confused individual but her personality is not dainty to say the least. This does not intimidate me in the least but it also doesn't lend itself to a romantic woman / partner either.

I keep hoping and praying that she will get in touch with her passionate side but I am running out of hope. We have discussed therapy and she does not give any indication that she would be open to that, I know that she would never allow a sexual surrogate and an affair is not an option as I do not want that in my relationship.

I don't know at this point in my life what to do I do not want to leave her over my selfish desires but I am becoming more unable to live with the current situation as it stands right now.

I am at a loss; I don't know whether to pull a tactical retreat or to assault through. I just know that I can't remain happy this way, not to be crude but I miss being with a woman.

I don't want to resent her for her inability to be intimate but I am losing my resolve.

Help!

[ididwhat?]

Oh man. I'm sorry you're going through this. I really don't have any advice other that to say keep being honest with yourself... keep expressing how you feel. You'll figure it out. It's good that you know what you need in your relationship, and you're even aware that what you need may not be possible with your wife.
May I suggest you never assume anything. Always ask the questions you need to ask. Never assume what her response will be... and not ask the questions. I dunno... maybe let her read your post. You detail everything, your concerns, quite clearly although, I'm not sure if you're thinking your wife's affinity to men's shoes and clothes means that she's gay. But, if that's a concern, I say ask her. Lay it all out in the open. Do it nicely, lovingly... like you seem to be.
And, don't forget to listen, you know, actually listen and hear, what she says in response.
Don't stuff your unhappiness inside hoping it will disappear. It never does...

[DvlDog0351]

Originally Posted by ididwhat?

Oh man. I'm sorry you're going through this. I really don't have any advice other that to say keep being honest with yourself... keep expressing how you feel. You'll figure it out. It's good that you know what you need in your relationship, and you're even aware that what you need may not be possible with your wife.
May I suggest you never assume anything. Always ask the questions you need to ask. Never assume what her response will be... and not ask the questions. I dunno... maybe let her read your post. You detail everything, your concerns, quite clearly although, I'm not sure if you're thinking your wife's affinity to men's shoes and clothes means that she's gay. But, if that's a concern, I say ask her. Lay it all out in the open. Do it nicely, lovingly... like you seem to be.
And, don't forget to listen, you know, actually listen and hear, what she says in response.
Don't stuff your unhappiness inside hoping it will disappear. It never does...

I thank you for your kindness and your words of encouragement. I am not one to be lost without a direction to go or action to take, but I am at this point feeling like that. I appreciate the feedback.

First of all, I am sorry that this is happening in your life...

I don't have much advice to give you, but a couple of things stand out for me....

She will not "get in touch with her passionate side". It just won't happen. Especially if you're just hoping and praying for it.
If she's fine with the way she is, then you're not likely to change her mind.

You say she "doesn't give any indication" that she's open to therapy. It sounds to me as if you were not strong enough in your request.

I would be more clear....I don't know what kind of dynamic you have, but you need to tell her that you are serious (and, for God's sake, follow through).

She needs a medical evaluation including a hormone levels test. She must attend therapy with a specialist. You will be making these appointments for her (and DO SO)
If she is not willing to do these things, make it clear that you will be moving along.

This sounds kind of harsh, but unless you want a sexless future, then it must be this way. Or accept your life for what it is and know things won't change.

As a woman, and from a personal perspective, I'll do what I want unless definite lines are drawn in the sand.

[indygerry]

It sounds like this is something you have given a valid effort towards 'fixing'. You've clearly articulated what you need from her and she hasn't responded the way you have hoped.

I'm curious to know how she has received your feelings and what might be going on in her head.

At the ten year mark it might be time to think about going to see a qualified sex counsellor. It sounds like it might be an area where a professional might be beneficial.

[kelly8896]

I’m very sorry that you are going through this.

As a women, I’ll say that I went through this myself (in my 20’s & 30’s). I am older now and single. I look back now and can see that my needs sexually weren’t being met. My first husband was my first experience. He was very experienced. He knew how to satisfy himself, but never gave me a thought. And I was willing to try different things. I was left disappointed and over time became not interested in sex at all with him or anyone else. You add kids, work, house work, etc. and life gets tiring.

Being intimate is a hard topic to discuss, but in my recent relationship, I found that being honest about what I need to be fulfilled is as important as him being satisfied. Just having him help vacuum, cook or do the dishes (split the chores), made me feel desired. Having him touch me while we were watching tv, just a gentle constant rub on my arm, back or leg made me feel desirable to him.

With that being said, if she’s not able or willing to talk to you about these things, there’s not much you can do. Therapy could help. Hormones could be in play. She could be just down right tired. Just try to be honest, ask her what she needs or wants from you to feel desirable. It takes an effort on both your parts to make things work.

Good luck.

[DvlDog0351]

Thank you to all of you who have taken the time to read my novel and reply. I will be strategizing on how to approach the subjects and create an environment that doesn't bring into light the frustration I have inside me. Last night I tried talking to her about it and of course it went south real quick. Negotiation is not my strong suit, but I will continue to fight the good fight.

[gardensparrow1]

Well, I'm really sorry you're feeling frustrated with the level of intimacy you have with your wife. But I do think you're on the right track in considering therapy. I know she doesn't seem willing to go with you at this time, but maybe it would be helpful to see someone on your own? They might be able to give you some guidance on talking with your wife about these issues. Also, if you're interested, I do know of a website called PureIntimacy that has articles about situations like this. So, just FYI if you want to take a look. But I hope things improve for you guys in the meantime!

gardensparrow
#girlluvs2garden#

[ChipperMonkey]

I think you went into all of this with stars in your eyes, thinking back on all those stories you heard of people marrying their best friend and riding off into the sunset, living happily ever after. Well, when you come right down to it, you LITERALLY married your best friend. I don't see this as romantic at all, and question why you'd stay in such a relationship. Sex and physical intimacy are very important parts of a relationship and in this case you just jumped right in with the incorrect assumption that if one is there, the other shall soon follow. Well, sadly, it doesn't. This woman is so inexperienced I question if she's even had knock-your-socks-off love....was there ever a lustful period where you....ok, right, there wasn't. Perhaps chalk this one up to marrying for the wrong reasons?

[Bill3]

What (as far as you know) was the level of intimacy (physical and emotional) and comfort with sex in her parents' marriage? What do you suppose her mother might have taught her, by word and by example, about emotional intimacy and about sex?

[hamster-bamster]

While negotiating may not be your strong suit, writing eloquence is, so I would suggest that you stop talking to her and start emailing her instead. Also, this way you'd be able to collect your thoughts better. I also agree w/sophiesmom in that you are not direct in your requests, based on the language of "she does not give any indication that she would be open to that". A sexual surrogate might be a good idea which you have not voiced, relying instead on assumptions. I take it, you simply did not feel comfortable enough to voice it - again, write it down and send to her, because it is much easier (given your writing aptitude).

[Bill3]

Emailing her is worth considering, but I would not recommend putting a sexual surrogate in writing. Emails never die.

[failureatlife]

I urge you to start therapy asap on your own. Hopefully you will be able to get your wife to join you in time. I have been suffering this fate for two decades now. It started after our second child was born. For the first ten years I tried and tried to get my husband to let me know what he was feeling, why he seemed to have no feelings for me anymore. There is no affection, no intimacy, I long just to hear him say my name. He would listen and say he wanted the same things then that would be that and nothing would change. I gave up. Now another ten years has gone by leaving me living a wasted life with nothing to look forward to day after day. There is no emotional support from him and none accepted by him.
Therapy can help especially when facing situations beyond your control. Don't give up but be prepared to make the hard decisions about what you can live with and for how long.
I wish you luck and love.