Hello everyone

Thank you all for welcoming me to Psych Central. I am here because, of what I wrote earlier. I am also simply having a difficult time moving on and adjusting to not having or hearing from my ex female friend. Eight years ago, we met in a local bar, she came up to me and was surprised to see me there. After I had a couple beers, I accompanied her home because I was worried about her safe return. Upon returning to her house, we had sex, I stayed overnight. Roughly one year later, when we were together, she began crying, telling me, "that she didn't have the energy for this anymore". I didn't know what to do, or how to comfort her, so I left and walked home. We live in the same community. A few weeks later we agreed to meet, go for a walk, and renew our friendship. Seven years later, this past May, she decided to take care of her substance abuse issue and join AA along with her son, who had substance abuse issues as well.
On a daily basis, my ex female friend, would call me. I cannot explain, why? But, I would always tell her to find another fellow who would take better care of her, than I. After our break up in May, I realized that I could've been that person, who would take better care of her. I do not know how to put it, but I realized how important she was to me after I had lost her. I "woke up". I wanted to learn from this break up. I wanted to grow, change, become stronger, more confident, and improve my self esteem. I believe, my ex female friend has moved on, including a new boyfriend/lover and has become indifferent toward me. I am in therapy. I am sad at the loss of friendship. But, I am working on learning how to be a positive person, who likes himself. I am working on letting go of her and moving on. I miss her a lot! I am working on forgiving myself for not being more assertive and confident while we were friends. This is a daily issue for me - forgiving myself. I believe I love her. That is another issue...

I decided to join Psych Central because I am interested in the subject of Psychology. Another reason for joining, is that seven months ago this November, 2014 my female friend of eight years ended our friendship by going no contact and breaking up. I am learning from this experience, because a lot of what happened between us in conversation, was my first time in handling the style of communication that was occurring. There is more, but this is the basic background.....

Eight years ago, my ex female friend and I met in a local bar. Later that evening, we walked to her house, were intimate and I left her house the next day. Our friendship began this way. Over the years, we experienced closeness and distance. Our intimate times always followed alcohol consumption. I am not sure how much detail is needed in this forum? My main concerns are: I have blamed myself for losing her. In May 2014, she and her son, entered a local 12 step AA program to help handle their substance abuse issues, since both mother and son have this issue. Also, in May, 2014, saw the break up of our friendship. During the current Summer, when there were times of short phone conversations between her and I, she was cold in vocal tone toward me. She was a different woman, not the warm, caring, woman I was used to.She was defensive, critical, silent, aggressive toward me. I had never heard this style of conversation from her during the eight years of our phone conversations. I am feeling the need to cut this short, because I have been dealing with "our" break up since May, 2014. I believe she has a new boyfriend/lover? She has moved on with her life. She is indifferent toward me. I believe the break up was a rough experience for both of us. Honestly, I wish them both well in their recovery from substance abuse. After our break up, it dawned on me how important she was to me and I had pushed her away but telling her to find another person who would take better care of her, only to realize that "I" could've been that person. I don't know why, I didn't take better care of her?! I want to say, that this break up, "woke me up!". I am working on becoming a stronger, confident, positive, assertive person. I miss her! I hope she is finally: "happy", "healthy" and "hopeful". Those were her three goals for her and her son's future!

Semeon

You wrote that your intimate times always followed the consumption of alcohol. So you did not have sex unless you drank alcohol?

Yes, that was true. There was one time, when she tried to initiate sex when we were both sober, she caught me off guard and I didn't respond. She was disappointed with the result. I felt badly because I didn't respond to her, that was the last time she tried. I didn't initiate later, either. I don't know why?

Semeon

I think you need to move on. If in 8 years (even with some off time) all the sex followed alcohol, it must have been quite a peculiar relationship. I think it is best that you parted your ways.

Hamster-bamster,
Thank you for your reply.

Semeon

hamster-bamster,

I know it seems or sounds like it was a peculiar relationship? Perhaps, it was? I want to thank you for your honest reply, because it is now sinking into my psychie (sp), that she will not return! As the months have passed, I have been having a tough time, taking the next mental step, of believing that my ex female friend has moved on. I believe, sometimes strongly, that I personally, "blew" this friendship? Therefore, as a result of this experience, I want to learn from my decision making mistakes, to work on my character weaknesses, and errors, and become a better man. Those are the reasons, why I searched, found, and became a member of PsychCentral. Take care, hamster-bamster!

Sincerely,
Semeon

Why are you blaming yourself for her moving on?
Sometimes, people simply grow apart.

Don't assign blame to yourself. It's a dangerous habit (I know)....that leads to low self-esteem

Semeon,

I am not sure that you can learn much about this particular experience, specifically due to its highly peculiar nature. What are the chances you will have another relationship like this? They are pretty slim. I think the only one lesson you can effectively draw out of this experience is the one sophiesmom has suggested - STOP BLAMING YOURSELF.

There is this expression that it takes TWO to tango. You could not have possibly been responsible for blowing this all by yourself. Nobody is THAT powerful. There is a dynamic between people - you cannot control everything what happens within a couple.

There is an additional danger in blaming yourself (in addition to the low self-esteem) - you are in essence overestimating your abilities and power. It is the flip side of low self-esteem in a way. I hope this makes sense, and, please, do something relaxing and nice for yourself and just go with the flow and enjoy the moment - do not spend all your waking hours analyzing what happened over and over again.

sophiesmom,
Thank you for your input. It does make sense to me, that blaming one self would lead to low self-esteem. I appreciate what you said. I will work on ending blaming myself for the break up.

semeon..

hamster-bamster,

My main problem over the past six months, has been an over analysis of how, and why, the break up happened. The break up style used; "a sudden no contact policy", has been a rare experience for me, so I wanted to learn as much as I could from it. You are right though, the opposite of "low self esteem" is the "overestimation of one's abilities and power". I sensed, and believed, that I had little, to no, power. She had most, if not all, of the power within the relationship. She had this power, from the date and time she began our friendship/peculiar relationship in May, 2006, to the current time, when she decided to end it in May, 2014. I want to thank you for your opinion. I will take your suggestions of moving on and enjoying the moment. I have not had many relationships in the past. This was for me, a learning experience from its beginning to its end.

Sincerely,
semeon

P. S., I would like you to know that this "peculiar friendship/relationship" had its beautiful moments, and it is truly sad, from my point of view, that it ended. I will always remember her with fondness, and be thankful for the eight years we had together. I am happy to have found PsychCentral. I am also happy that you took the time to respond, and offer suggestions/opinions, to help me through this experience. Take care!

Sincerely,
semeon