Thinking About Him

So, I've been thinking about my ex a lot lately. I wonder how he's doing and if he's happy. I especially wonder if he thinks about me like I think about him. I guess I wonder if he's the one that got away. He tried to tell me how he feels a few years back but it was a weird situation. I had gone back to my old high school for an event they were giving. I was there with a group of my friends (my ex included) and a date. Well my ex was all over me! He wouldn't leave me alone and seemed very jealous even though he had a girlfriend at the time. I couldn't understand his behavior because he had a girlfriend and I was there with a date. Besides I had confessed my love to him and he told me that he didn't feel the same way. So, there had to be some other reason he was acting the way he was. It couldn't have been because he wanted to be with me. I did ask him later on if there was something wrong or something he wanted to talk about and he said no. So, I put it behind me. Now, that's all I can think about. The following year my high school held another event that we had both attended. We said our initial hellos and then he shouted "I'm not doing this again," and walked off. That was the last time I saw him for a year though we kept in touch. He even joked one time that I was supposed to have his kids. That was two almost three years ago now and we haven't kept in touch since then. I'm thinking about him a lot lately because my old high school will be holding the same event this year (it's an annual thing) and I'm wondering if he will attend. I want to see him so bad, but I don't want to show it. He's had to have moved on with his life by now. Maybe he's married with kids by now. If I did see him I guess I'll just give him a wave and a hello and move on. I wouldn't show it but I love him deeply and care much about him. Maybe I just need to move on with my life. I wouldn't date him even if he asked since I want to get my life together first and lose some weight. I don't know...even writing this makes me feel emotional. I just wonder if we could keep in touch again I'd really like that. Besides, I might just be romanticizing everything. Maybe we don't have the chemistry that I think we do he is my ex after all. But things have changed we dated in high school maybe there could be something there now. High school WAS ten years ago. Hmm...I don't know. I'm getting myself all worked up probably over nothing. Even if I did see him I doubt anything would happen. We would probably just be cordial and say our how do you do's and that's it. Then we would both move on. I probably wouldn't even have the courage to ask for his number. On one hand I would be happy with us both just saying hi and moving on, or if I didn't see him at all. It would be disappointing but somewhat of a relief. I don't know I just wonder. Hmm...I just wanted to get that out. Thanks for reading.

It can sometimes take a number of years to get over a past relationship. I think you would be making a mistake to try and get back in touch with him and to try keeping in touch. He seems to have moved on, while you are not yet in another relationship that you feel deeply about. So he has the advantage. You two as a couple did not succeed, and that's not going to change. You are kind of torturing yourself.

I know when you talk about being in touch with him, it's not that you see the two of you dating again. But what do you see? Keeping in touch with old loves is not usually a wise idea. That's why people generally don't do it. I've had that feeling, myself, about wanting to kindle the embers of friendship, where there was was something more. It didn't work out well. I ended up causing more pain for the other party and for me. Sometimes you have to let things fade into the past where they belong.

Sounds like you are really trying to fill a void in your present life. This is not the way to do it. Invest in the relationships of the here and now, not the past.

It's nice that you still care about him. You probably always will. That doesn't mean you should do something about that. It's not what he wants, or he would have done something different from how he reacted. This may be keeping you from moving on to what you need relationship-wise now and in the future. Ten years is a long time to still be carrying a torch. Pay attention to the opportunities in the present, or you'll never get out of living in the past. That would be too bad. You sound like a caring person who has a lot to give to the right person. It's not him.

*Sigh* You're right. You're right. Now that I think about it we still have mutual friends. If he wanted to reach me I imagine he honestly could. If I really wanted to reach him I imagine that I honestly could. However, I hesitate to do so. Maybe because I know that everything you're saying is right. I'm trying to hold on to something that isn't there anymore and I have to do what I really don't want to do. I have to move on. Thank you for your wonderful advice and words of wisdom.

Sometimes, getting back in touch with the one who got away can be useful. I ran into an ex that I had always considered 'the one' years after we had broken up. We talked for a bit. It really helped me set aside any kind of attraction I had towards him. I was so surprised that I was no longer attracted to him at all.

Maybe going to the reunion is a good idea.

I think I will go. It would be nice to see some of my old friends. I'm just hoping that he's one of them that I see if I'm quite honest . But I won't get my hopes up and I'll put aside any thoughts of reconnecting. Perhaps, it would be best if we said our hello's at the reunion and just leave it at that.

You answered a lot of what I've been thinking about. I've been going back and forth about how I feel lately. My relationship ended about one year ago and I still care deeply about my ex. However, he has moved on and found someone new to replace me and I haven't really found anyone but I have been focusing a lot of time on myself, family and friends. In essence, maybe he has that advantage because he's in a new relationship. I don't know what it means and I try to imagine that nothing is always as picture-perfect as it seems. But it really does seem like he has everything he wants. I've been doing all I can to focus on me and what I want since I do suffer from depression and anxiety. It's hard not being able to talk to him like I want and wondering what his life is like without me, which is probably close to perfect. I know that I did my best but I suppose it was not enough. I feel inadequate and worthless at times. I have good days, dont get me wrong, but what we had (even after the break-up) still lingers in my mind every single day. I want to change my perspective though. I was hurt by him so many times and each time I thought I could win him back, I kept losing. Then came the day where I had enough of being played like a fool. Even though I cared about him, I had to let him go.

Hi rukspc. You seem to be in a similar spot as hours. A lot of people are. The guy you describe doesn't sound all that nice. (Neither did hours' guy to me.) Do you really think these guys have transformed into great catches, loving, caring, never being hurtful. If you've been with a guy for a year or more, you know who he is. He takes that with him into the next relationship.

No, nothing is as picture perfect as it looks from the outside. Sometimes it's interesting to keep tabs on how the one who got away is doing. You eventually find that he has problems, like everyone does. Often, the new relationship doesn't last forever either. Not that you want to know that just to be glad. Neither of you sound spiteful. But it shows you, realistically, that these guys may have some problems making relationships work, just as they did with the two of you.

For hours to go to the reunion might be a good idea. It's your high school reunion and you have as much right to be there as anyone else. Just don't make encountering this guy your main focus. If you see him, fine. Don't give him an opening to be hurtful to you with stuff like, "I'm not doing this again." That wasn't nice or necessary. Your main problem is that you are not in a successful relationship right now, and it's what anyone your age tends to want. So get circulating. Be friendly to anyone you meet at the high school reunion, male or female. You never know who might be able to introduce you to someone worth knowing.

Rukspc I know what you mean about feeling like his life must be so good while you struggle. That's how I feel about my life compared to my ex. He must have it so good, and if I could be with him then maybe I could share in a bit of that life.

You are right about that Rose. I keep thinking that I want a piece of his life that is seemingly so good without me. However, I know it's just an illusion if I really sit to think about it. He hasn't changed just because we aren't together and if we didn't work then we probably won't work now (as much as I hate to admit that). I definitely have rose colored glasses on when I think about him and the past. But getting your advice has helped me to look again and to be more realistic about him.

Thank you again for your advice. I will go, but like you said I won't make it about him like I've been thinking I would. That's just setting myself up to be hurt.

All I can say is, I like what Rose76 and rukspc have written to you; Thehours. I think about my ex gf as well. I am working on moving on too. Good Luck, Thehours, when you go to your high school reunion!

We broke up almost a year ago but did not have a clean break and tried to be 'friends'. I think that's where I really dropped the ball on myself. A couple of months ago, he told me he was with someone new and I said some things out of anger because I was incredibly hurt. Now I have all these assumptions of what he thinks about me now (and they're pretty horrible thoughts). I just give him so much power over me and I don't want to live like that anymore. I never worried so much of what anyone thought of me until I met him. To this day, I don't know why his perception matters. I guess it's because I still love and care for him too much.

I hope you find some peace, too. Remember, life goes on and you will find someone who will love you and treat you the way you should be treated. You deserve it!

I keep reading these lines because I want to believe that they're true. Maybe he can change and maybe it took leaving me to do that. Am I wrong for thinking this? I've come a long way since we broke up (about a year ago). I'm probably thinking too much. Perhaps, that's when you know that person was not right for you.

Now and then, people do change for the better. That usually takes them being able to take a long, hard look at themselves. It involves self-criticism. Is your ex that kind of guy. Actually, it really doesn't matter. Whether he stays the same as he was, or transforms himself into God's gift to women, is kind of irrelevant to you and your life at this time. You are definitely investing way too much thought in a direction that serves no purpose.

The bottom line is you are no longer important to him. He has moved on. You think about him every day, almost every hour. He might think of you once a month. Let go of what you don't have, can't have and won't have. You are wasting your precious time. Life is full of good things and good people that you can connect with. But, if you sit around daydreaming about the past, you will lose out on what the future might be. In a way, you will kind of deserve to lose out.

You are being rejecting of what life could offer you now because you didn't get to keep what you once had. It's your choice, but that's not an approach to life that ever did anyone any good.

You are right. I know what I'm doing, how I think and how much pressure I am putting on myself so thank you for knocking some sense into me. I know I have a problem.. I can talk things through, write how I feel and seek out help but it's still so hard not to put pressure on myself. I just hate this so much. I hate how it feels, how humiliating it is .. that it almost makes me regret that I dated him. But overall, thank you for the reality check. I needed to hear it.

The only way for the plain of past losses to lessen is to get involved with the present taking up interests that have a future. Talking and writing are all well and good. Eventually, though, you have to take your mental energy and direct it elsewhere. Otherwise, you are just dwelling and dwelling on what is over. As far as "getting help" goes, there are some things no one can really do for us. Do you imagine yourself sitting with a therapist, analyzing the heck out of this failed relationship . . . to figure out what? That sounds to me like another way to avoid letting it be over. There's nobody out there with any secret special knowledge about how to hurt less, while thinking about something painful.

Time does a great job of healing past hurts, and it's pretty much a mystery as to how that works. But it requires letting go and moving on.