[JessF]

My friend (Jill) is 15, and I’m now 20. I met her at work when she began working there in August of last year. I noticed right away that she had problems including: sever drug addiction, alcoholism, cutting and attempted suicide. Her sorted family history included: divorce, suicide, mental illness, abuse… I think you get the picture. I seem to attract these kinds of people. At first I tried to stay away because at the time she seemed hyperactive and high risk. I didn’t know of her past at the time, only that she was into drugs (the extent at which was revealed to me as time went on) As time went on and our friendship grew she started to back away from her activities, in favour of the clean and sober life. This is around the time that Jill and I began an interesting relationship. We dated for about two weeks after which she said she wasn’t ready for a relationship. I was crushed, her being the first girl I loved and this being the first time I’d ever been dumped. We agreed to stay friends, which was fine for me.

Within the span of a week she had moved on and found someone else. I was crushed again. It would have been better if she’d stopped calling me, then I’d would have known she wasn’t interested in me anymore. But the phone calls continued with regularity. Most of the time she’d point out how different her new boyfriend was to me, how much better. Which hurt like hell. But I rationalized the situation and continued to offer her support and friendship, which she seemed to want. Soon, I began getting upset (sad, not angry) because she’d say she’d do things or agree to hang out, then never followed through with her word. Christmas was tough, knowing they were spending it together. But I told myself she was happier without me. My father gave me Warren Zevon’s “The Wind” for Christmas and if you’ve listened to the album, you’d understand why it seemed like a cruel joke.

Things came to a head and I told her that I didn’t want to see her be hurt (emotionally) so until I sorted my problems out (my problems being her breaking my heart then making me jealous) I’d leave her be and hope that she’s happy.

Two weeks passed and luckily enough we didn’t see each other at work. Nor did we contact each other by any other means. I assumed she’d moved on and I began to move on. Then she calls me, tells me she’s missed me and that she was breaking things off with this other boy. Mixed emotions on my part. We began talking on the phone with regularity and things began to improve.

A pattern developed, we’d talk for hours then see each other on the weekend, then the next day she’d call and tell me she wasn’t ready for a relationship. This has happened four times since January, the last being Feb 20th, I remember it because it was the beginning of my spring break. After Feb 20th, she called me and told me that she and her ex were going to go to his house for lunch, during school time, and fool around. I was really upset (again sad, not mad. At this point I had never been mad at her), she didn’t seem to understand why. By the end of the conversation it sounded like she was rethinking her actions.

Once again I rationalized the situation and forgave her. I told her that we weren’t dating, she had no reason to tell me these things and she could do what ever with whome ever she wanted. But her sexual activity continued in a relaxed manner and she told me about it several more times: "oh, we have an unusual friendship" was what she'd say. Until onetime she told me at work, and through teary eyes I told her that she was taking our friendship for granted. She seemed to want to make amends after that and made a promise to me and herself that she wasn’t going to fool around with anyone because people get hurt. It was at this time that I found out that during the times she said she wasn’t ready for a relationship, she was fooling around with her ex boyfriend, whom she said she wasn’t attracted to. That reality hurt.

Then her March break came up and once again she found absolutely no time to spend with me, even though she said she would. She found all the time in the world to spend with people she saw everyday, but no time for me. I sent her an email asking “what are you holding on to?” The email was fuelled by anger and I basically told her how I felt I was being treated, how she’d taken me for granted after all I’d done to help her, after all the times I gave advise. I finished with “If you don’t stop taking me for granted, you’re going to lose what ever it is you’re holding on to.” I hoped the message would get across that I was at my whit’s end. Her response was anger. She said she didn’t want to get emails like that and didn’t want to hear what a poor friend she’s been. No one would. Either way, my feelings were not acknowledged and the message in the email was not understood. In the end, she got me apologizing for sending the email. We stayed up until 3:30 am talking on the phone, saving the friendship.

At the end of the phone conversation, I asked if she’d like to spend one or two hours the next day talking about it in person, she agreed but said she had some school work to do first. The next day came and she did her work, but then went to Ctrl A (a gathering of Japanese animation fanatics where they watch anime from 5pm Friday until 11pm, and again on Saturday 12pm to 10pm). She, once again, didn’t follow through with her word. Ctrl A is something she does every four weeks and it’s something she looks forward to, so although I was crushed, again, I didn’t make a fuss. My younger brother also attends Ctrl A and is friends with Kris (the ex. boyfriend of Jill) They all attend Ctrl A. My brother told me that Jill and Kris. came to Ctrl A, stayed for an hour then returned to Kris’ place to watch more anime. I was furious that she’d rather watch anime and (I suspected) fool around with Kris than talk with me for two hours assuring our friendship was ok. This happened Friday. On Saturday she returned to her anime. Saturday evening she worked the night shift and I was scheduled to work 4am to 12pm that evening as well. I tried to get half the night shift off so I wouldn’t have to see her, but the best I could manage was the last half, meaning I’d have to spend three hours with her.

I came to work sad and that she’d rather do all that she’s done instead of spending sometime with me. She noticed and asked “what’s wrong” to which I asked “do you want to talk here?” I was just being polite cause no matter what she said, I was going to tell her how I felt. I was apprehensive of what I might find out her and Kris did, she said they did nothing. She told me to wait until next weekend to talk about it in person. She expected me to hold these rotting emotions in for a week, on the off chance that we’d get together the following weekend? Ya right!. Things got ugly, and she didn’t seem to care that I had tears in my eyes and was obviously in need of compassion. She said she still wanted my friendship so I asked if she’d like to talk after work, she said she had school work to do (she uses that as an excuse because she knows I want to see her succeed. She never actually does her school work). So, I asked if she’d like to talk after that. She said she was invited to Kris’ (ex boyfriend) for supper and that she couldn’t break it off cause she’s broken that promise once before. And after all the promises she made to me, then broke. It’s been more than two, believe me.

Anyway, to make a long story longer, I called her Monday to talk it out and she began to get insulting and being really selfish, I remained calm this time cause I didn’t want to get angry. Then after she was done ranting, I told her that we couldn’t be friends anymore, and hung up. A week passed and I went to see and therapist on Friday. He put things into perspective, I felt rejuvenated. I called her up and told her there was no reason we couldn’t be friends, she agreed but seemed quite smug about it, I don’t blame her. If someone told me they couldn’t be my friends, then came crawling back, I might feel like I had the upper hand too. When ever I’m in the wrong, I always apologize, she never does, even when she knows she’s wrong.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right, I should have ended contact with her a long time ago. I believe it was my inexperience with the opposite sex, and emotions I’d never felt about anyone before, which kept me wanting to work things out. I was obsessed, I know. I still love this young lady and part of me has always blamed her sorted past for the way she’s treated me. I’ve always wanted to see her happy and I kills me to know when I’ve said something that upset her. I believe she’s clinically depressed and I’ve become depressed because of my contact with her. I know I always have the choice to leave, but my emotions won’t let her go. She’s more than a friend to me. And for the longest time we both felt like we were meant to be. Things were fine before she started telling me about her liaisons with her ex. I think she’s bipolar. Am I stupid for continually trying to help this person, after all they’ve done to me? I’m either still obsessed or my love in unconditional, I can’t tell the difference anymore. I think all this has prove that I love her more than I love myself. relationships are supposed to improve us and I've let his one bring me down. My school work has suffered cause this is all I think about. I know I must realize that she is only one many girls out there. But she was the first and things clicked so naturally that I know I'll never find someone like her. I know I helped her through her drug addiction as well as many other life threatening issues. It's so hard letting go. Zevon sang “love conquers all, you can’t start it like a car, you can’t stop it with a gun”

If you’ve taken the time to read this then THANK YOU Any input is very much appreciated.

[(JD)]

Jess a 15 YEAR old child is NOT the love of your life ay caramba!
I am sorry you are on a roller coaster of emotions, but you really must behave like the older, wiser person (which you ARE) and stop this relationship! welcome to the site... come back often and post...

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

[JessF]

You're right and thanks for your quick response. When you mean "stop this relationship" do you mean the friendship? Because now it seems like that's going to be less of a problem. I think I'm slowly returning to the person I was before I met her. We haven't spoken since we worked together Thursday of last week. We remained civil and I shook her hand at the end of my shift as a friendly gesture. I know she’ll call sometime, the hardest part will be not letting myself get involved, again.

I guess I'm torn between doing what I know is right for me, and maintaining a friendship with someone who might not yet know any other kind of emotional expression. If everyone who’s ever said they love her has turned and hurt her, I think it’s expected that she’d be unable to express emotions other than what I’ve written. She does have a very tender and loving side, which is probably what kept me close for so long. But those moments are few and far between.

Maybe I should clear this up by saying that we never had sexual relations. Lord knows it was on her mind, mine too. We respected each other and didn’t succumb to that, which is why I think she had relations with her ex. She wasn’t ready for a commitment, but wanted the benefits of a commitment that I wasn’t willing to give up freely and without more time. It’s very complicated. Either way, I made a promise that I would always remain her friend. It’s not a vow, and all which that entails, but it’s a promise none the less that I intended to keep as long as I am able.

I know I’m not a therapist and I have recommended she should see a professional. I believe she will be by the end of the month. But for the greater part, she’s refused professional treatment in favour of close friends. That’s where I come in because although my emotions were strong, I always did my best to give her advice in the best interests of her, even if it meant finding happiness elsewhere.

She’s relapsed over the past week. She'd been clean for over 200 days, and this has gotten me worried. The only way I can offer her support is if I remain by her side, even if it means getting jumped on once and a while.

I know enough to keep other people I care about away from her. I told a friend, who’s since started working with her, that if she begins divulging personal information about herself, that he should run like she’s holding a live grenade. I ended my warning with “I stayed and watched the grenade go off, and I’ve been picking up the pieces ever since”. We both had a laugh, but I think he got the idea.

[(JD)]

I would NOT answer the call .. if I were you... and have caller ID. As for being civil in public, sure thing! But what she needs and you want are two different things... and she's jailbait buddy.

Sorry if I sound direct and harsh... I don't mean to. But stop it now while you have a break... you will have much more fun and understanding by someone your own age anyway!

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

[JessF]

I edited my previous post. You must have posted as I did so, sorry.

[(JD)]

Yeah Jess humor can help... teens that young can move from one boyfriend to another week to week. Yo u dont' needthat.

Now that you're freee, yo u will find others who are more suitable...

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

[JessF]

I realize that. But if finding someone we can feel happy with was that easy, then forums such as this might not exist. I've had many girls interested in me, but never been interested in them cause there was no attraction other than a physical one for me. I need to connect, as many do, on another level. That's the thing with her though, she seemed to have it all, and we connected, at first.

Then her immaturity shone through. I was willing to wait until she was ready because she has always stood out as the most unique person I have ever met. That having been said, I’ll never stop looking. I’m just afraid I’ll find another like her. Hopefully, I run from that live grenade instead of staying to watch it blow…or I could just throw some crap on it and then run. Lol just kidding, that was somewhat mean.

[SeptemberMorn]

Hi, Jess, and welcome to the forums.

I've read through enough of your posts to see that you don't really want to give up on this relationship. There's a lot of "yeah, but..." going on. I'd suggest you listen to Sky and do as she says if you know what's good for you. This young girl has some pretty serious problems that ARE NOT your responsibility. When you are old enough and wise enough to start thinking of settling down, you need to find someone that is much more your equal than this girl. By "equal" I mean, education wise, work wise and most importantly mentally and emotionally as mature as you. She has to ALREADY be what you want in "el amor de tu vida." You can't change anyone to be what you want them to be or they need to be. This girl needs serious help and let me tell you, you're not the one to give it to her. She needs her parent's support and a professional to talk to!

Like Sky said, get some maturity under your belt, take care of yourself first, and then think about rescuing others. You've got way too much life to live yet, before you go tying yourself down to a mess like that, friend or otherwise.





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[JessF]

I think I have an understanding of who I am. I’ve been figuring that out for the past six years, but it is an ongoing education, I know. I am exactly where I want to be, doing what I want in my schooling, I will become an Architectural Engineer (not a writer so forgive my poor grammar). I have remained the same noble person I was when I first met her, I’ve just been sidelined by my feelings for her. I will bounce back. I know I must be selfish in this, or any other relationship. Nothing much causes me stress or anxiety, not school, not my job, not my other friends, not my family and that’s not do to a lack of effort on my part. I am notorious for being the funny bone in my circle of friends. The only problem that has plagued me over the past 8 months is this 15-year-old girl. I have more patients than a praying mantis or I would not have remained her friend for as long as I have. There is nothing I can do for her other than offer my support.

Normally, I stay away from close friendships with people like her, even though they seem to attract to me. She is the only one I’ve allowed to get this close. Being her friend is fine, more than fine, it’s great. There was a time when she was exactly who I wanted to be with, that was many moons ago and she’s changed for the worse since then. I’m still hoping that the same sweet girl that has cared about me will remerge. And she has, several times, but is submerged again only to go deeper beneath the horizon. I’ve been keeping my distance, and talking about it helps. I’ve seen a therapist twice thus far, and talked to many of my closest friends. I don’t know what’s going on in her life anymore so there’s little for me to worry about, at the moment.

I think her parents reaction to me is normal and positive, at least they care with whom she spends time. They may not know just what to do with her, but then who does?

I’ve never been one for peer pressure. Despite living in a town whose high school is notorious for drug use; more students enter into rehab from our school than any other in the region. Not to mention, living in a small isolated town lends itself to alcohol abuse. All I heard from my peers was how drunk they got at the bush party on the weekend.
I have never been drunk, nor do I plan to. Alcoholism runs in my family and staying away from it was my choice, and my choice alone. I don’t need alcohol to have fun, or any other substance for that matter. These are the principles that I have adhered to and I’m never shy to admit it, which is why her parents approve, any parent would.

P.S. The legal age of consent in Canada is 14, I failed to mention that before. And I knew that when we were at our closest moments. We both knew that sex would do us more harm than good, and that is something we never forgot and I'm proud of our control.

[rubyred]

Hey Jess,

Love can be like a roller coaster, speeding along without our control, full of ups and downs. Someone else deciding when it will start, when it will stop.

The main thing is to stay off the tracks.

Sounds to me like you are being run over. Sometimes life can be so dull that even the excitement of pain becomes addictive. Don't worry, when you've had enough, you'll bail. You sound like an intelligent guy - deep in the wonderful world of emotional turmoil.

Just don't do anything that can't be reversed.

Choices, it's all about choices.

[JessF]

thanks

Part of me wishes I could undo the times when I seemed upset by what she would tell me. But then I would have been condoning what she’d done. I felt like a pawn to her, just one of many boys she would fool around with and keep separate. The more I learned, the more it gets confusing. I seemed like an object to her, but that's when she seemed to be confused. Then sometimes, she would say or do things that made me feel like I was special to her, and that feeling is all I can think about. Within the span of a week she could lift me up, just to nock me down with her immature acts. If she’s made her feelings clear, whether they be good or bad, I think this all would have been much easier. But what can I expect from a 15 year old? Despite her troubled past, she seems to have learned very little from it, and continues to make the same mistakes. As did I by letting her close, repeatedly. But she fooled me by telling me what I wanted to hear, which was “I want to be with you” or “I think I’m ready for a relationship now” When you’ve been pinning over someone, offers such as those are nearly impossible to resist.

There was a time when I knew she was dating this other guy (or at least she told me that, but they really weren’t I now understand she just knew it would hurt me to hear that, and it did). She calls me up, asks if I want to come over and I of course said “yes”. Then she tries being physical with me. I didn’t want to have anything to do with it and pushed her off and moved her hands away. She felt rejected, but at the time, I was less concerned about how she felt and more concerned about maintaining my sanity and upholding my principles.

I seem to be all talk and no action regarding this aspect in my life. Yet the more I talk about it, and receive helpful and positive feedback, the easier it is to move on. I think I need a change, like quitting my job at Tim Horton’s. That way I wouldn’t have to see her and when the calls came, I might take one just to tell her why I disappeared from work. Out of site, out of mind.

[collegefriend]

hey just wanted you to know that if you ever needed to talk or anything there is always poeple here for you. i hop to get to know you better through postings. As for your friend i know its hard to move away from good friendships but sometimes its the best. and with her being 15 i don't know i remember when i was 15 and an older guy came along i was 'in love' with him as well even though i knew he was just there for me and could be nothing more. BUT he gave me the attention that i couldn't get from my other friends or parents.

<font color=red> It's hard being a snowflake in a world of Cheerios!</font color=red>