[sinking]

Hello, i dont understand my recent reactions regarding my new boyfriend and would like some help, please.

I have a history of CSA and very little experiences with guys due to my physical and emotional intimacy dread. for a while i have been wondering if i am asexual and/or aromantic too.

i have known this guy forever. we have been only friends for some time and we've already been a couple for a little while before too (10 years ago for a few months). at the time, i was too messed up/frightened to make it work, but now i've been in therapy, i feel almost completely healed from past wounds and i dont want to let my fears ruin it all again. i trust him and i love him and i want to build a future together with him. i am sure he is the one. we're able to talk about everything, he knows about my issues and is understanding and supportive.

for the first time in my life i am not disgusted by kisses (even though i dont like the tongue much and i dont feel the need to keep kissing all the time while he loves it) and i even feel aroused when we are together (new thing for me).

BUT today we were playing volleyball together and the only thing i could think of when he was next to me was that i didnt want him to touch me. why? i felt as if i hated him. for no reason at all. i dont hate him. i love him.

and i found an excuse not to have dinner together. i am afraid im going to start to feel trapped again. i like to be with him and when we are together im happy, but i feel like its too much. too much too often.

its been 5 days since we decided to be a couple and give it a try. shouldnt i long to be with him? am i just scared or what? maybe i am not made for being in a relationship? but thats all i want! i finally have it and im afraid of ruining it all.

anyone has gone through something similar? whats happening? any thoughts?
any input will be greatly appreciated. im scared of myself.
thanks.

[hvert]

Would it help if you decided *not* to be a couple, but just to date for a while and see what happens? I just wonder if the commitment so early on in the relationship is contributing to the trapped feelings?

Since he knows about these issues already, I would have a conversation with him, to let him know what is going on with you. You may be able to figure out a solution to this together.

[sinking]

Thank you Hvert,

we have been dating as friends for months before we moved on to the next level a few days ago. we had plenty of time, i dont think thats the problem. i think the problem is, i THINK he now expects me to be different than before. he said he doesnt, but it is a fact that the relationship now is different than when we were just friends, right? so i have the feeling he expects more from me. maybe more than i am comfortable with, i am afraid. i dont know.

your suggestion to have a sincere conversation with him makes sense and i know its the right thing to do. im just scared to disappoint or hurt him. or that he wont like me anymore if i say i need more space (already?). i feel there is something wrong with me. how do you say to your new boyfriend you'd like to see him less often and kiss less???

....other than this the rest is more than fine. is there something wrong with me?

[hvert]

Yeah, maybe it is a little odd to ask for more space at this stage of things, but if it's what you need to move forward, there's nothing wrong with it. Everyone is different... and feeling suffocated or trapped once you commit isn't that unusual.

Your history probably contributes to this as well, but it's what you both have to work with. It's not so much something is wrong with you but this is a challenge you both have to overcome or work around to move forward with the relationship.

[Bill3]

Rather than say you need more space, you could say that you like the new situation but you need to gradually adjust to it, you need to take smaller steps.

[Big_Bear]

I do not believe its odd to ask for a little space in the relationship. Some people may find it a little off putting but I do not. We all are on the forum because we have some emotional issue we are dealing with. I believe that your b/f should and probably will understand that you need thinking time. You have issues of your own you're trying to sort out and I hope he understands that. A little space, a little time to think, to re-charge is ok. We all need a day here or there to think and to evaluate our feelings and emotions.

Stop asking if there is something wrong with you, you are fine. You recognize that you feel uncomfortable and trapped and that this may be something that needs to be dealt with.

How often are you and your b/f together? Every single hour of every single day? Every night? Every other day? If you're together all the time it will begin to make you feel trapped and make you feel as if you are losing track of who you are and this can cause a roller coaster of unnecessary anxiety ridden thoughts.

Do you still see your therapist? Have you talked to him/her about it?

Commitment is terrifying, especially if you have experienced trauma from loved ones before. Sometimes it takes work to get to a point where you are comfortable with love, affection and commitment again, and that is ok.

[sinking]

Thank you all very much.

i do want to talk things though. i know it is the right thing to do. im just so scared. now i dread seeing him in person. afraid he'll get whats on my mind with just a glance. i always end up feeling like this. i hate it and i hate myself.

we see each other almost every day. i guess i would feel better if we fixed a day or two per week where we dont see each other in person. it would give me relief.

about the kissing, i guess i would like it to happen when we greet or a few other times, when it would mean something. when i go over at his for a movie, i would like to watch the movie, not making out. and if he wants to make out, i'd like to know it before so that i know we see each other for that reason.

is this crazy? yes, i think my past is still affecting me exactly with these issues. the emotional part i mean... im not seeing my T anymore, maybe i'd need some extra help, but i dont want to go back to T.

do you think a relationship could still work in spite of these "needs" i have?

[Confusedinomicon]

A healthy relationship includes doing things for yourself and spending time with someone besides your significant other. I live with my SO and we see each other all the time but attempt to make it a point to spend an afternoon or two a week with friends and/or family. I don't think it's asking much if you need to spend an afternoon to yourself so you can recharge. Even when I'm with boyfriend sometimes we're doing two different things and I'm in fantasy land following ships on tumblr while he plays video games. If you feel like you need "ME" time, give yourself time to be "ME".

I think it's also fine to tell him you'd like to actually watch movies etc. You can still be intimate with your partner AND watch the movie. Cuddling works! Just make sure you are consenting to advances and letting him know you are okay with what's going on. If you say "no" he should respect it.

[sinking]

Thank you. im feeling less confused and wrong now. at least now i know what i'd like to be a little different.

i went at his place tonight but i didnt have the courage to mention the above. it went well, he is very sweet and i felt comfortable so i didnt see the point in bringing it up. but next time i feel smothered or resented/angered or scared for no apparent reason i'll remember this thread and will try to talk things through, even if it will be hard.

Thank you all for your help!

[hvert]

Oh wow, that is not crazy at all. It's pretty normal to want a day or two to yourself or to be annoyed when you want to watch a movie and he wants to make out.

[PennyD]

I think it's normal as well that you need a break and that should be totally fine, try to talk things through and it will be okay. Communication is really important, keep that in mind. Everything will be fine in the end though just stay strong!