Q - Do I "tattle tale" on my sister's crackhead boyfriend to his probation officer?

I love my sister very much. She is 2 years younger than me (I am 51). We have always been close but have become much closer since 2011 when I tried to commit suicide. She has been the only one in my family to ever visit me in the hospital (I suffer from Bipolar II Disorder and have been hospitalized 3 times).

I went to my first Nar Anon meeting last Friday and from what they are saying my sister is addicted to her boyfriend, who is addicted to drugs (he goes from crack to prescription tranquilizers and cycles this way every week. A few days on crack, a few days zoned out on benzodiazepines and then "normal" for 2-3 days).

They live together and I just cannot bring myself to go over there anymore but I miss my sister so much. She is my best friend. I am also hurt that she does not want to come to my house to visit but I must always go over there.

The last 3 times I have been over there her boyfriend and I got “into it”. He always tells me to leave “his” house (even though my sister lives there too) which of course I am ready to leave anyway.

I want to call him a million different terrible names and do him great bodily harm.

Because I hate him so much right now I want to visit his probation officer and tell her what is really going on in his life.

I know about karma and all that but for once can’t I be the one who brings forth the **** that can bring him down?

I know I probably shouldn’t do anything and I probably won’t but this is causing great stress for me and mostly for my mother. My sister looks like she has aged 10 years in the past 6 months and my mother is very concerned.

My mother is 81 and has recently been having heart/lung problems.

I mean, what would you do?

Nancy.

You won't feel good about ratting your sister's boyfriend out so I am glad you are not going to do this. Love your sister as best you can, stay out of her relationship issues, and pray that she will come to her senses soon. You know the drill ... the more you rag about how bad the boyfriend is, the more likely she will be do dig her heels in and defend him. He will mess up soon enough and be back in trouble with the law without your reporting him.

When you get your sister back, just hug her and love her without criticism. Meanwhile, consider doing some volunteer work where you can share the good you have to offer to people who are in a position to accept it.

Let him bring himself down, without your help. More than likely, that's the direction he is headed in. Your sister's situation is probably going to get worse before it gets better. Let her know you are there for her, but don't get in between her and her boyfriend. She'll only resent you for that.

Maybe you could invite her to go shopping and have lunch with you. That way you could have time with her without boyfriend hovering around. When you're in her house, accept that you cannot "get into" it with the boyfriend without damaging your relationship with your sister. Frustrate him by refusing to argue. If he gets unpleasant, say goodbye and just leave without any commotion.

I'm sure your mom is distressed to have a daughter involved with an addict. You can't change that for your mom. Your sister is old enough to make her own decisions.

Allow things to evolve over time. This guy will probably end up back in jail.

I agree - unless she wants him out or he is putting her life at risk, just leave it alone. He'll have a drug test sooner or later if he is on probation anyway.

Great advice given . Just meeting your Sister for lunch, dinner or coffee , whatever works.

I hope she realizes soon that he is only going to bring her down.

I've worked extensively with people on crack and meth. I strongly suggest you keep going to Nar Anon and use the program to help yourself. It's likely things will get worse before they get better.

If your sister has aged 10 years in the last six months, it's not a good sign. She could very well be in deep trouble and fully involved in his lifestyle. It's important that you, as a loving sister, learn how to best be there for her without making yourself sick in the process, triggering your own mental health issues or enabling her. It's a very tricky situation.

I commend you for seeking the help of Nar Anon. Please get the recommended books, study the program, do The Steps. In my experience, it usually takes a minimum of three months of regular attendance before the basics of the program begin to seep in and really make sense on an emotional and intuitive level.

Nar Anon is there to help you so you don't go downhill in your efforts to cope with your sister's distressing choices. I know you love your sister and want to help her, but right now the most important person to help is yourself. Nar Anon can help you take care of both your physical and mental health so when your sister is ready, you will be in good shape to offer her healthy and loving support that lifts her up without dragging you down.

I wish you the best.

Thank you all for your input and support.

I know in my heart not to report her boyfriend. I just feel so helpless and angry.

I don't know if I'm angrier at him or at her.

I have invited my sister over for dinner either today or tomorrow and am waiting on a reply.

I don't know what to talk to her about. Do we discuss her boyfriend? I'm just going to tell her I am there for her when she needs me.

But it seems she has been avoiding me since Thanksgiving (in which her boyfriend and I got into an argument). Just texting me here or there. I would have normally gone over there by now as I usually see her at least 2 times a week.

I am looking forward to the next Nar Anon meeting because that did help me a lot and I need to stay out of their relationship.

Nancy.

A sister who you are in contact with twice a week is a blessing in your life that you don't want to lose. Boyfriends come and boyfriends go, but sisterhood lasts, if you take care of it.

No, you don't discuss her boyfriend. Since she is in a bad way, you let her talk about whatever she wants to talk about. Don't even bring up the boyfriend, if she doesn't. If she seems to not have much to talk about, then you just make pleasant chit-chat. Talk about the little ups and downs of your own life . . . nothing too heavy.

As she is leaving, you say, "I am here for you no matter what."

This all may sound like avoiding the elephant in the room. Sometimes that is the right way to handle things. Otherwise she is just going to avoid you, like she has been doing. She doesn't want you judging her. She knows she's in a mess. She knows better than you do. Do you think this bonehead boyfriend is any prize to live with? For whatever reason, she is not ready to let go of him. She will when it feels right for her. That's her right. Someday, she will love you for respecting that.

Thank you. I guess I never looked at it from her point of view, i.e., knowing she is living with a bonehead and has her own issues with him. Duh.

Nancy.

Is your sister doing drugs with him if so that explain why she doesn't want to leave the house she is hooked on drugs and doesn't want her b/f to hogging all the crack .

If it was me I would call the probation officer and ask them do they do a drug test if he says yes then I would say , he's doing crack .

Have your sister go into treatment and get cleaned , her days are numbers if she is on drugs . In my opinion I could not sit back and watch her die from drugs . That b/f is toxic to your sis and u and your mother , he's effecting the people who love your sister .

EagleNebula - I am not familiar with what happens when women do hard drugs, but boy have I seen the effects of alcoholism on women.

It does very much show on the face. Liver problems manifest themselves in yellowish skin. There is that particular type of under eye circles that cries "alcoholism" and is different from both genetic under eye circles and the effects of occasional sleep deprivation.

I am thus led to believe that your sister's looking 10 years older is evidence of her own use and abuse of drugs. Yes, a person in bad relationship looks tired and unhappy and that can "add" a few years, but not 10. So I would think that her looking 10 years older than she is is a sign of drug abuse, without drug tests.

I really like how several people have suggested meeting with your sister in public places. Public places, such as cafes or stores, are a "neutral territory" for the two of you - they are not your turf or her boyfriend's turf. Also, during this time of the year, public places are full of people, chatter, clutter, festive noises - those things - and that would make them conducive to casual conversations. Leave that big elephant in the room at home and go out!

Another idea, by way of coming up with conversation topics that altogether avoid her boyfriend, is to share childhood memories and reflect on them. I see that now you are in Detroit. If your sister and you grew up in Detroit, maybe you can reminisce on the winter fun you had (last time I was in Detroit on a connecting flight, the aircraft had to be de-iced IN APRIL, so I assume that Detroit's winters provide enough snow ). Or you can share memories of your dad (since you only mentioned your 81 year old mom, I take it that your dad has passed away). Or remember something funny from school years.

Let me give you an example of how I would do it in a similar situation. I have an older cousin. I am an only child. She is 7 years older than me. We spent summers together with our grandparents. My now ex H was not only abusive towards me, but did horrible things against my relatives and I then defended him (see above for the warning that your sis might defend her bf if you start saying bad things about him - that rang so true for me), so it was hard for me to re-establish the relationship with my cousin after I finally broke away from the abuse. So to melt the ice, I tapped into childhood memories. E.g. she taught me to read. And I did a prank by inserting pennies into an opening on the side of her toy sewing machine when she was not looking. Nonsense, but remembering those things has been (it is an ongoing process) good in bringing us back together. I have not seen her yet since she lives on the East Coast, but eventually when I go over there, I plan to talk about her current life, the good things in my current life, and those shared moments from our childhoods. I plan to avoid unpleasant conversations.

Your situation is much harder since there is ongoing abuse of drugs, but still remembering stories from your growing up together might very well provide that "glue" that your relationship now needs.

Plus, when you tap into shared childhood memories, you reinforce that boyfriends come and go but sisterhood stays with you.