[lostandconfused2014]

I (26/F) have been dating my BF ( 27/M) for 8 years now. Most of the time things are ok. I never imagined myself only ever being with 1 person, but it seemed to work out. Probably 4.5 years back I met another guy where I was working. We instantly clicked - it seemed too easy. We were clearly attracted to each other and we got along great. Nothing ever happened because I was in a relationship. Another year goes by - tensions between him and I increase. This is a summer job only so once that summer ends we continue to keep in contact (texts, Facebook messages). This causes a wedge between my BF and I and we end up breaking up. Still, due to the other guy being immature and playing games - nothing ever happens. My BF and I end up getting back together. At this point the other guy and I have little contact… a few times a year or less. About 8 months ago he contacts me and we begin talking again - just like we used to. A month or 2 later my BF confronts me when he finds the others' name in my Snapchat. I lie at first and tell him nothing was going on. It ends up coming out that we were speaking again and it absolutely crushes him. I led on that it was more one-sided (other guys end) than it was. We stay together and our already pretty trust issues are now worse because of this.

Side note - my BF has always been very insecure. I'm pretty sure I have some deep rooted attachment issues which, I think, is the reason I have held on to the relationship with my BF so long. I've always felt controlled and that he's tried changing me, but then I get made to feel like it's all in my head. I have allowed our lives to become so consumed with each other it totally freaks me out. I have no friends and he doesn’t see a problem with it - just always says he doesn't understand why I need my own life.

Now fast-forward 3 weeks ago. I have blocked the other guy on every social media platform possible and attempted to block his phone number. It didn't work however, because I received a text from him asking if I was single yet. I ignored it and deleted it. He texts me again a day or so later. This time I respond. I was strong at first - I was not being nice, trying to explain that I couldn't be nice to him. Like always though - due to some seemingly magic spell he has on me, I weaken. I made it clear that I spent a lot of time trying to get him to realize what could have been. He begins to tell me that he regrets a lot of what happened (and didn't happen) in the past. He was beginning to think a lot about his life and realized that I was the only girl ever stuck out in his mind - and we haven't even dated or been more physical than a hug, EVER. He says that he feels bad for the problems he caused in my relationship in the past but now he knows what he wants and is going to do whatever he has to. We talked every day, all day, for 3 days straight. For whatever reason, I decide to go see him after work 1 night. We talked for a bit and we kissed. We kissed for longer than we spoke. There was some heavy touching but no sex. I left to him telling me the ball was in my court. We spoke the next day and made plans to see each other again a few days after. He says he realized that he definitely couldn't jump into anything but he would be willing to see where it went, no promises. He does make 1 sarcastic comment about us not being able to actually really do anything because we couldn't go in public together although it wasn’t a really a problem yet. The weekend passes and I don’t hear anything from him (I didn’t expect to since he knows I'm still with my BF). Monday passes and nothing. Tuesday (plan night) comes and I don't hear anything. I text him and don’t get a response. I wait a couple hours and text him again simply saying that I just need to know what's going on for that night, I got the response of - I can't tonight. At that’s it. No communication since at all. I have been ravaging my brain trying to figure out what's going on. Deep down I feel I should just leave my BF because now I've cheated - with the same guy that has continually come between us. My BF noticed a difference in me. I tried leaving him - it was difficult to do it without telling him I cheated on him. So, I didn't tell him and we are still together. I explained how unhappy and unsure I was and that I wanted some time. He said that there is no taking time. Either we are together or we are done, for good. I'm scared I am not gonna make the right decision. My BF keeps asking what he can do to make this better for me or to make me happier and I just don't know if anything will work. I am unhappy and maybe I've been unhappy but willing myself to stay because I don’t want to be alone. And now I feel rejected at the same time by the other guy. Maybe he did mean those things he said but doesn’t want the drama of me being in a relationship. Or maybe he didn’t mean any of it.

[hamster-bamster]

I think you really need some alone time, sans either guy. Really.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by lostandconfused2014

just always says he doesn't understand why I need my own life.

This is what the bf says, so drop the bf.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by lostandconfused2014

Deep down I feel I should just leave my BF because now I've cheated - with the same guy that has continually come between us. My BF noticed a difference in me. I tried leaving him - it was difficult to do it without telling him I cheated on him. So, I didn't tell him and we are still together. I explained how unhappy and unsure I was and that I wanted some time. He said that there is no taking time. Either we are together or we are done, for good. I'm scared I am not gonna make the right decision. My BF keeps asking what he can do to make this better for me or to make me happier and I just don't know if anything will work. I am unhappy and maybe I've been unhappy but willing myself to stay because I don’t want to be alone. And now I feel rejected at the same time by the other guy. Maybe he did mean those things he said but doesn’t want the drama of me being in a relationship. Or maybe he didn’t mean any of it.

Your bf is incorrigibly stupid. Since he is already 27 so his brain development can be viewed as complete, I would not expect positive changes.

When he says that there is no taking time, he is giving you an ultimatum and is controlling you, pushing you, forcing you to decide faster than you are comfortable with. This is a very big thing. If a person does this thing, he should not AT THE SAME TIME inquire how to make this better for you, because, duh, the obvious thing to make it better is to back off and respect that you need time to ponder things. In my experience, when a person does it, making two mutually exclusive statements just because each statement separately serves a purpose for him, for purely self-serving reasons, it then only gets worse.

I get that you feel rejected by the other guy. To save face for you, I would suggest this:

- tell the bf that you are leaving him. Do not mention the other guy because you are not leaving the bf for the other guy so he is irrelevant. You are leaving the bf because the situation between you is hopeless.

- send a message to the other guy thanking him profusely for being a catalyst of change. Tell him that you are leaving the bf and would be on your own. Tell him that you are NOT leaving the bf to be with him, but meeting him has prompted you to take a long hard look at your living arrangement and decide that you would feel much better and grow more as a person if you leave the current bf. Again, thank him, but explain that you are not leaving the bf for him and do not plan to have a relationship with him.

- make all the logistical arrangements for living alone.

***

And then you might see very interesting developments on the parts of both guys. You might even have fun seeing how they would react. But fun or not, stand your own ground and either kick out the bf or move out or find a roommate - do something that would allow you to be single. You are afraid of yourself - get closer to yourself ASAP to overcome this fear.

[lostandconfused2014]

This is the best advice I have gotten so far, I haven't told many people about any of this anyways (just my sister and mom). The good news is that we do NOT live together. We both live with our parents :/. One of our ongoing issues. He has a job that I view as unstable and not lucrative for a future. No college education. He says that he understands my reservations but that I really can't get that angry because even though I have a master's degree I have yet to find placement in a career. Point being I do not feel comfortable moving in with him until I know I can fully support myself in case things go a wry.

I think 1 of the things that attracts me to the other guy so much now is that he seems to have a plan for his future. He has a good job, supports himself and is getting his MBA. Things I value very much in life and know I will never get from my BF. I understand that I should confront the other. I am definitely nervous that he will think I have ended the relationship because of him, again and I do not want him to perceive me as the type of woman who is so quick to drop someone for another guy. As much as I know I need to be alone, I want him to want me as much as I've wanted him all these years. Seeing him just made me want him more.

[hamster-bamster]

If you live with your parents, then your leaving with bf would not be seen so much as one of the 5 little monkeys jumping from bed to bed .

You still have a home base at your parents' place - that should make the whole transition much, much easier.

[lostandconfused2014]

I ended things with my boyfriend a week ago. I cried while we were on the phone the night it happened. And that has been it. Most of the time, I feel perfectly normal - like nothing is even different. I get sad sometimes when I think about it, but this is nothing like I imagined. I know there is no right reaction to have, I just expected to feel something else, something more intense. Maybe I am just numb still, but I know that I cannot fully understand what it is that I need and want until I get over this. It scares me because my reaction, or lack thereof, makes me question my entire relationship. I definitely pulled away from the relationship a few weeks prior to the actual break up, so maybe I began healing then? I'm a strong person, I've dealt with a lot tough emotional situations in my past. I just feel cold now. I'm trying to stay busy - I've spent a lot of time with my family and a few girlfriends. When it first happened, it was hard to believe that we weren't together anymore. The 2 following days it was almost like I felt relief or like that feeling you get when you take a really deep breath. I feel calm. Stressed out but still calm. I even feel liberated and part of me feels proud. I know this is all over the place I just don't know what to do to get in touch with how I am really feeling or maybe it's just because I didn't ever feel much at all.

[blackmagic]

"Either we are together, or we are done for good."

As soon as my girlfriend told me this, I knew we were done, and told her okay. Like your situation, it was coming from a long line if emotional abuse that was hard to see and extricate myself from.

End it. Pay attention to how he reacts and treats you, it will be a good look into his soul. If it was meant to be, he will try to work with you on these issues. If he attacks you and threatens you, says, "you'll never find anyone else like me," (WE HOPE NOT!) and makes YOU the villain, you know where you stand. These feelings didn't just appear, he always had them, and was waiting for the moment to use them against you.

I must also stress that you shouldn't be running from one relationship to another. THIS IS THE WORST IDEA. I've been popping into threads like this all day and a common thread I've seen (especially in 2nd marriages) is that the couple rushed into dating/marriage less than 6 months after a serious breakup.

They say that the rule is to be single 1 month for every 2 months you were in a relationship. For you, it would be 4 years, which is a long time, but I would absolutely wait at least 6 months to a year before rushing into something else. You should take some time and figure out what it is you want in a relationship, and can have casual sex with anyone in the meanwhile.

[BobbyDavis]

Old flame? Come on, that is a bit of a corny way to put it but to be serious, I think you made the right decision breaking up with your boyfriend. My best friend who is bisexual was in a similar situation to you a few years ago with another woman she had been in love for over twenty years but didn’t know she had the exact same feelings for her until she got engaged to a guy and I encouraged her to break up with her boyfriend and be with her best friend and they have been happily together since.

Who knows? Maybe this other guy is the one for you. Life is too short to waste on relationships with people you don’t really love and you should follow your heart and don't look back.