Attachment problems.. Getting attached too quick

Hello everyone,

I'm Elin and I am 19 years old. I have this problem that I keep getting emotionally attached to people(actually only women) TOO quick.

They are always attractive women between 30-50 years old. (i'm a lesbian) I have a job where I have to work with one women for a few months and then another one comes in.

There's this woman and she's 46 and drop dead gorgeous and really sweet to me. I have worked with her for only 3 months and today she left. I cried like a baby when I came home because I will miss her so much since I'm already so emotionally attached to her. I have had this several times before.

Are there people in here who recognize themselves in my story or can give me any advice or just a message..? I have no idea why this happens. I never had a mother figure maybe that's important to tell. I have a history with emotional abuse and getting no attention. I also have no friends and no good relationship with family. Basically I'm all alone.

I'm sorry if it's a long story and thank you for reading.

Elin

I have the same problem except I'm straight and get attached very quickly to men my fathers age. My father abandoned me and I have no friends. With every older man who showed me any attention/affection I became obsessed with. I am currently going through the withdrawals of the last man who was 30 years older than me. He was the one who claimed he was in love with me! I hate getting attached so easily so from now on I won't allow it. It has destroyed my heart, self esteem, and health. I would rather be alone than abandoned again.

thank you for your answer. Sounds tough How old are you if I may ask? And did you have this all your life?

I have the same issue. I get attached to many people. I was never the popular kid, and was abandoned many times in life. Physical, emotional and substance abuse have been problems in my past. I feel alone much of the time, even in the presence of many. As I grow older I am beginning to see that people come and people go and it will always make us feel sad or abandoned, its who we are. We just have to begin to believe in ourselves more and begin to understand that we are ok alone, we are going to survive. Its alright to miss someone and cry over someone leaving as long as we can pick our head up and know we can carry on. You have to find some self-worth and life-worth that will help you grow stronger as a individual. In order to have strong partnerships we have to know that we are strong, love-worthy, secure individuals. This takes work. Buy the book "Healing the Shame that Binds you," By John Bradshaw and the book "Notes to myself." These books have helped me a lot. Don't be afraid of human relationships. Interacting with others and loving others are two aspects of life we must experience in order to be healthy. When people leave tell them goodbye and you're going to miss them but know that you will be ok and that they will be ok, your both going to survive and live long happy lives.

Thanks for your answer. I"ll try to follow your advice but it's tough as hell.

32 and I have always gotten attached too quick.

Well, for what it's worth, attachment happens almost instantly. We perceive someone as a source of happiness and cling to that image. The problem, as you already know, is that they can't be a never-ending source of happiness. Change happens and we're left disappointed and upset.

And Big Bear's advice is pretty darn good actually. I don't have anything to add to that.

There are some great videos on You tube about Buddhist principles regarding the traps of attachment and enchantment being the root of all suffering. The more you remain attached to people, material things and ideas, the more you suffer if you lose or don't have these things. A good start might be meditation, again, you can find guided meditations on You tube. I personally like listening to Alan Watts lectures, his voice is very soothing for some reason.

I would be careful getting emotionally attached to anybody you haven't known for long especially if they do not feel the same way because it could scare them away from you. Just try to take things slow and remember only fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

I feel that the more you engage in introspection (self-reflection) and shed Awareness and light onto WHY you find yourself becoming attached to certain types of people so easily - the more you will gain control over this happening and you will gradually liberate (free) yourself from these attachments. In otherwords when you lack Awareness and this happens subconsciously (or unconsciously), you have little insight into what is transpiring within you when this plays out. Thus the more likely you are to continue to repeat those experiences.

However, as you increase your Awareness and bring insight (light) to exactly what is transpiring within you and why it occurs, you will lessen the 'charge' of the compulsion to do this and that need/impulse will begin to dissolve and fade away. It sounds like some of you already have connected the dots with regards to past relationships (or lack thereof) being the primary driving force behind the type of individuals and relationships that you are attached to. It's a very important step that you have developed this Awareness. : )

I know it's a very challenging task but I believe if you want to transcend these attachments you have to continue to work on healing yourselves from the emotional energy that you carry with you from your past (life experiences) - which is serving as the fuel for these attachments. To work on releasing those sensitive emotions by bringing them to the surface and consciously experiencing them in order to purge them and purify yourself in the process. I would imagine that letting down your defenses and engaging in therapeutic crying (emotional release), writing about your sensitive feelings & emotions, and also finding a healthy outlet (like this medium/forum) or a compassionate listener - that these types of practices would be viable methods for furthering the process of purification and transcendance.

You don't need to change anything about your past. There is nothing wrong with what you are experiencing. Through this process you are learning, growing, and evolving your state of being (as we all are) and through bringing yourself to the point where you rise above these attachments, you will be strengthening and refining your state of consciousness in doing so. Lots of love to you all.


(non-attached group hug)

: )

Thanks for your answer. I never show that I'm so attached to them, I can hide it pretty good. Whenever I worked with her, i just act cool but i'm my head i'm like; god she's so cute and nice and blablabla. And then i'm like, with her age she could be my mother so stop being so pathetic.

thank you for your nice answer and help i'll try to follow your advice.

"I never had a mother figure and maybe that's important to tell"

I think it is very important. Growing up, you missed having a mother. Now, you are in a job where you work very closely with an older woman for a brief period. You "bond" with her. You get approval. You drop your guard. Then she is gone.

Every time this happens, you get to re-experience the grief and trauma of your childhood.

In your mind you know that these women will leave. That is the nature of your work.

But, your heart interprets it as rejection and abandonment.

You say you have a history of emotional abuse and getting no attention, so when these women come into your life it must feel very,very good.

But when they go it hurts so very badly. I am so sorry that you are stuck on this roller coaster. It must be exhausting.

Are there things in your life that can change? Can you get another job where instead of working with one person, you work with several people? That would lessen the pain when one person leaves.

Are there therapy options where you live? Can you get out and exercise? Are there places that you could volunteer?

It has been my experience that the best therapy for being rejected is to get out amongst other people. Nothing is more toxic than isolating yourself when you feel rejected.

thank you for your answer. you really explained how i feel every time, thank you.

I'm glad i could help you. But please, don't let my understanding keep you from getting help and taking steps to make your life better.

A 49 year old straight male giving useful advice to a 19 year old lesbian. And they say there are no miracles at Christmas!

take care elin95

I have the same problem. I'm bisexual and trans, but haven't had any surgeries. I do get too excited and clingy almost because I like it when I get attention from the specific girls I like, when I impress them and be their friend or feel like they really like having me around.

It's like a reaction, you get too attached and you want nothing else, because you really love the feeling of it. When it consumes you you lose insight of what's really going on and end up disappointing yourself.

I can relate to you in a weird way, even though I'm bi and male. I figured, I'd rather had been born a girl and I just like feeling how I relate to girls and my lesbian friends a lot, because we both have the same struggles everyone does, but my point is that you know what you like and want, but you always in a mental battle of balance of being too attached or you don't like the person to begin with or trying to show that you aren't too much or too little.

Everyone is alone.. But we are all alone together. (:
Attachment is being afraid of letting something go..
Think of how many times you "lost" something in life, and ended up OK.
You're only going to get stronger. (:

It helps me to think of things in terms of energy. You lost that physical person, but that loving energy will come back into your life again soon, just as a different manifestation. (:

Nicely put!