First of all, Happy New Years to all of you! Hopefully 2015 will be better for everyone! Anyways, I finally heard back from "Jane" last night after I texted her. I wished her a Happy New Years and that I miss her and that I hope to see her fairly soon. Well, she did text me back a couple of hours later and she told me that she just got back from Kaiser and that she's stable.

I said that's great and that I'm glad to hear that. I didn't ask her what happened as I did that in the past in emails and usually she was vague as if she didn't always want to talk about that much. I know that she is suffering from high blood pressure and type two diabetes, and is getting occasional panic and anxiety attacks. If anything else is going on, she didn't tell me about it yet.

Anyways, I didn't ask her about her health, so maybe that pissed her off a bit? Should I have asked her about things? Anyways, she got annoyed at me just for asking her to let me know if anything fishy on FB comes up as I'm in the process of deleting my FB page due to it getting hacked. She then accused me of "obsessing" over FB and then she told me that it was giving her a headache. WTH? I was pissed, but I kept my cool since she is going through so much now.

I then made a sarcastic joke and told her that by deleting FB, that is as far as one can get from being obsessed about it, lol! I then told her that if simply watching out for me is to stressful for her, then I apologize for that. I then told her that I was simply asking her to let me know if anyone tries or have tried to log into there as me.

She then got kind of quiet then. After that she made some jokes about how I should have a few drinks, and that she should have a few drinks. I went with it, but I'm pissed. This is the second time that she lashed out at me since she got sick. The first time was when I tried to ask her if she'd like for me to drop off her Xmas gift at her place or come pick it up at my place. Well, she is living with her crazy mom now, so she freaked out and told me to not stop by as it would cause trouble for her.

I've never stopped by uninvited. She then went on to say that she doesn't care about gifts and that she didn't get anything for anyone. I told her that I'd never stop by uninvited and that I wasn't expecting anything back from her. I told her that I was just trying to cheer her up. I'm at the point to where I'm sick of it being all about her and her health issues now. She ignored me completely last night when I suggested that we go to a movie, lunch, or even a walk with her dog.

It's as if she wants to avoid me completely. I get that she's sick, but she could've at least said something like sure, when I get better, we can do that. I'm mad that she is taking out her anger and frustrations in life out on me. I'm NOT a doormat! I can't help but feel that she is angry that I'm fine and she's sick. She acts like all I care about is my social life which isn't true. She told me that having health problems is worse than having social problems. She tried to hide her anger as a joke, but I could see right through that.

To make things even weirder, she actually TOLD me to come back on FB since she might be getting a new p/t job soon. WTH? Didn't she just tell me that I obsess about FB to much? LOL! Why can't she just tell me that via email? BTW, she is a huge hypocrite she seems to spend all day on FB posting recipes and DIY projects, and promoting her Avon business sometimes. I'm not going back on FB to accommodate her! I'll just email her and tell her to email me with any news about the job or anything else!

Should I say anything to her now or wait until she's better? I'm sure that her abuse will get worse over time if I don't speak up soon. I'm also sure that she'll get mad and give me the silent treatment if I say anything to offend her or "stress" her out in anyway. How should I approach her? I feel as if I'm walking on eggshells around her now!
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Cats are better than most people.

[kaliope]

i think letting her know to contact yu via email is a good idea.

Thanks. What about everything else? Does anyone else think that what she did was out of line both of those times? I get that she's sick, but that's NO excuse to lash out at people! It seems as if she's angry that she's sick and that I'm not and doing a lot better than her. She acts as if she is dying. I think that she is grossly exaggerating her illnesses in order to get attention as she loves to be the center of attention. I didn't tell her that of course.

[sabby]

I guess some people handle illnesses better than other people. And you are right, when she's not feeling well, it's no excuse to treat you badly.

Maybe it's time to realize that when she's not feeling well, she's certainly not up to being amiable to helping someone with something and it's best not to ask her for help.

You can always wish her well and tell her when she's feeling better to email you and you can both get together over lunch or a cup of tea.

Thanks, it is no excuse to treat someone badly. I didn't think that asking her for one very, very small favor was that much of a stressor or inconvenience for her! It was as if I asked her to go out of her way for me, ugh!

IF she keeps up this behavior, then I'm done with her for good. I refuse to be anyone's emotional punching bag! I can't deal with her passive aggressive behavior and selfishness for much longer. I don't appreciate being abused like this! Of course, I'll let her know all that sick or not if things don't change soon!

It's almost as if she is deeply resentful of me for being healthy, content, having a good relationship with my husband for now, and being comfortable with my life when she is constantly struggling with health, work, and relationship issues! I'd rather have one friend or no friends than toxic ones around me for long!

So, I broke down and emailed her today, but I wasn't mean about things. I was matter of fact and I basically told her that her various illnesses are NOT an excuse to lash out at other people, and that I don't appreciate being used as an emotional punching bag! I also told her that I can't walk on eggshells forever.

I also told her that I didn't understand why she accused me of "obsessing" over FB and THEN she wanted me to come back on there so that I can hear her talk about this job that she didn't even get an offer for yet? WTH? That is just insane, ugh! I'm sure that she'll ignore me now, but whatever. I need to look for new friends and maybe dump her if she doesn't apologize and/or end her abusive behavior towards me. I didn't mention the insane part, nor did I threaten to end the friendship just yet.

Was it wrong of me to do what I did? Maybe she'll realize that I'm right and change her behaviour. If not, then it's goodbye for sure. I'd appreciate anymore insight and advice. So, did I act to rashly or was I to harsh? I don't think that I was.

[shezbut]

IMO, what matters most is your opinion of the relationship and it's importance in your life.

Your self-esteem has to be #1, plain and simple. If your friend's words and behavior has hurt you, then, by all means be firm with your friend. How strongly you should word things depends upon how important the relationship is to you.

Thanks for the advice. I did hear back from her and she told me that she wasn't lashing out at me. She told me that she was having another panic attack that was so bad that she had to go to the ER. Part of me thinks that she is lying since she intends to take a new p/t job soon. With all of her constant hospital visits, how can she possibly hold down a job unless it's at home?

Does anyone else find that to be odd? Almost every time I get an email from her, she went to the ER or the hospital for something again. Having blood pressure and type two diabetes that she supposedly says is under control doesn't seem like something that you'd have to constantly go to the ER or the hospital for. I've had panic attacks for over 10 years, and even at the worst times, I have never went to the ER or the hospital.

Is she exaggerating stuff or not? Also, she is making it seem like I'm putting my "social" concerns and "obsession" (how can I be obsessed with FB when I deleted the damn thing btw) over her health. OMG, WTH? She is making it all about her. I get that she's sick, but this is to much.

She doesn't want to hear about anything that isn't about her or her illness it seems like and she tried to make me feel like I'm at fault for things since her other friends understand that her health comes first. I told her that I get that and that just because I talk about other things once in awhile, it doesn't mean that I don't think that her health is not a concern of mine. It is. I'm always asking her about it! I think that she is over exaggerating things to make it all about her. What do you guys think?

[sabby]

What does your "gut" tell you about this relationship?

Be still for awhile, listen inside without judgement, just listen. Do you feel that your ideas about her behavior are on target? If so, then maybe it's time to back away quietly from the relationship. If not, then maybe you just need a break from her for a bit or to realize that you cannot be everything to everyone and at some point she'll have to figure that out as well.

Even if she is totally self involved, maybe it's what she needs to be in order to deal with her issues. Maybe it's just not a place for you to be with her and there is nothing wrong with that. You have to do what is right for you.

Only you can figure out what is best for you and this relationship. Again, go with your "gut" instinct. It won't do you wrong.

[quote=sabby;4187392]What does your "gut" tell you about this relationship?

Be still for awhile, listen inside without judgement, just listen. Do you feel that your ideas about her behavior are on target? If so, then maybe it's time to back away quietly from the relationship. If not, then maybe you just need a break from her for a bit or to realize that you cannot be everything to everyone and at some point she'll have to figure that out as well.

Even if she is totally self involved, maybe it's what she needs to be in order to deal with her issues. Maybe it's just not a place for you to be with her and there is nothing wrong with that. You have to do what is right for you.
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Sabby, I'm not quite sure yet, but since she has been going through so much for over a year, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt for now. As for her behavior, sometimes I feel as if I'm on target, and other times, I might be off. She doesn't always tell me the things that I need to know at times, and she acts as if I'm supposed to know how to act and not act at times.

It's so weird. Due to my no nonsense and direct attitude though, people either cave and tell me more or decide to leave. In the later case, I'm upset at first, but in the end, I realize that it was for the best that I didn't end up wasting anymore time on those that can't deal with my honesty and directness, or the reality of their life for that matter. So far she is taking my advice to get therapy to heart, but then again, she could just be saying that.

Only time will tell what the case really is. For now, I'll just give her space and if this continues for to long, I'll definitely not contact her as much and distance myself from her more. We just resolved a few misunderstandings, but I have this bad feeling that she's not really as good as a friend as I thought she was.

[sabby]

I think it's important to give not only ourselves a chance but others too (in many cases, not all). I hope that you are both able to remain friends and that you can both have compassion for one another along the way.

I wish you well!

Originally Posted by sabby

What does your "gut" tell you about this relationship?

Be still for awhile, listen inside without judgement, just listen. Do you feel that your ideas about her behavior are on target? If so, then maybe it's time to back away quietly from the relationship. If not, then maybe you just need a break from her for a bit or to realize that you cannot be everything to everyone and at some point she'll have to figure that out as well.

Even if she is totally self involved, maybe it's what she needs to be in order to deal with her issues. Maybe it's just not a place for you to be with her and there is nothing wrong with that. You have to do what is right for you.

Only you can figure out what is best for you and this relationship. Again, go with your "gut" instinct. It won't do you wrong.

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Thanks for your advice. Things are better between us now- We both had a few misunderstandings that got cleared up. She didn't tell me about certain things that would've made me understand why she was reacting to certain situations the way that she was. Once she finally told me about things, then things started to make more sense to me and it took most of what she said less personally.

Also, she is going through a lot still, so I'll just need to give her even more space. Hopefully when things get better, I'll get to see her again and she'll go back to being her old self.