[Yismymindblank12]

I don't know what's going on now, I felt sick emotionally not really sad, but sick. I guess feeling exhausted from my 21st bday I had a my first ever hangover since I was 16 on psych drugs which I found them all. It's crazy all the pills I was on a huge giant bag of em.

But anyways, I really like this girl, but we aren't dating we are both in the same boat together working on ourselves we like each other and are very good fast friends. We've been friends for awhile, but I mean by fast, in a month ago almost we opened up and were shocked how well we naturally got a long well. I really like how kind and a good person she is I wouldn't let her go for that, but in honesty.

In my heart, I just don't care, I'm too exhausted and I'm happy we are just close friends going at a steady pace, but all I really need and want now is money. I'm tired of starving and living without a lot of luxuries a lot of people take for granted, but I'm not completely hopeless in that. I have the things I have and I'm happy for them, but it's really hard some days when a lot of people are not in your position of being house poor and you can't help your financial situation, because I can't move out since my parents got financially screwed over and doing their hardest to climb their way out. It's prevented me to get a car or get a job faster, now I'm finally able to get a car and I have a steady income. I'm just sad, that I couldn't have the social life nor any freedom like my younger sister in college who has all her support and friends. She disowned everyone in our family. I don't call her family, she treats me like dirt.

I got so emotionally exhausted, because all I care about is working so hard and shutting people out to make enough money for me to move out. I really don't care to be here anymore, I just feel sad, I feel like things would work out for me eventually, but I find this whole thing too much. Many days, but recently food banks have donated to us thankfully, we didn't have food again for 3 weeks prior and just eating eggs, bread, and my free meals from working at mcdonalds for food. Other than that, I always starved myself and just eat what I need not what I want. I lost tons of weight and closing in to my underweight status what I used to be as a young child and adolescent.

I find love or the idea of it completely exhausting. I find friendships too much for me. I don't find them much helpful for me. I'd loathe being in a committed relationship, from being constantly screwed over, or being forced to pay for their problems out of my pocket. I don't need this. Like this girl is the nicest girl I've spoken to in ever for me at least, but realistically I finally saw the big picture in my life, and I'm putting off relationships probably till I'm old. I want to be a millionaire and have a huge steady income then I'll find someone then. I want to find more outlets to enjoy life most of them costing me little to nothing then like I do now, and once in a year go on a vacation.

I am working very hard now and all I want to do is just run away from where I'm at when I make lots of money and I'm never coming back.

I'm just had a lot of insights how depressing my situation in life is, and I'm very close to one day wanting to commit suicide from my lack of connection. The only reason I gave this girl a chance, is because she is in the same boat and constantly goes out her way to be super nice to me because she wants to. I just feel sad, if I have to let this go too eventually.

I feel exhausted and rather just stop and not even look at anyone. I just want to pretend people don't exist and just be so impersonal on the inside while being appearing genuine and going out my way on the outside. I do that already and just shut down altogether. I only care about never being in this poverty position ever again, and just leaving this town and probably be a hermit stuck in my own head. I can just go crazy in my own privacy.

I'm not feeling well now, but I'll be ok. I wish my dreams came true from my work towards it. It feels like no matter how hard I work at it, it seems to be farther and farther. At some point if it doesn't happen, I'll settle for the next best thing and end my life, because now I've already have experienced enough and figured what I am to expect anymore from the unexpected. That to invest anything will only bring sadness, and that sometimes to really save me all I really need and wanted to do is help people who are in need, but if that doesn't help as much I'd rather go silently, because I really don't want to love anyone. I really don't want to see my parents die nor my dog, nor anyone I knew or cared for. I'd rather die before that happens in all honesty. I know they wouldn't take it well and it seems selfish, but it's really how I've been feeling for all my life. I'd rather feel like they are happy I'm safe in their minds, where ever I'm at, I just don't want to be here.

This girl struggles with some hard stuff too, but it's like I wish I had their problems not mine. I could handle it better than they could and appreciate things more what my friends worry about that seem so miniscule. I'm so tired of people being so aggressive and mean when I'm like this and comparing me to "hitler" "ray rice" or something outrageous I'm not even joking on that.

Love is so hard, because I want to be as beautiful and perfect as they are and be a woman. I hate being a guy, I rather be adored for my looks as a woman than as a guy. I look in the mirror no matter what girls say nice things to me, and I feel I took a knife to the gut. It's because I have to be something I'm not, I guess people take that the wrong way and the thing about the transgender named leelah was in my city. I understand her position and why she died at 17 from suicide, because I experience it too. Except, I'm not transitioning at all, I hate how I look, and if I try to make it look feminine or be a woman or what I am comfortable with. It will make matters so much worse for me, no girl will talk to me, and no one will take me seriously and I will be beaten up and jumped on to be attacked just because of how I look.

I am sorta in the closet, if the surgery was so good. I could look flawlessly beautiful with my body and face. I'd do it in a heartbeat, but with my face. Like everyone tells me and it hurts me so much, "I'd look ugly as a girl." exactly how they say it so casually like a quick stab or joke sometimes. I go along with it and not get angry, but it hurts later when the reality kicks in. My mother isn't as supportive as I hoped she would be, she'd probably disown me but love me as her son regardless if I was a beautiful girl.

This girl is nice she did appreciate and loved me as a person for this, but I'm so exhausted and scared she'll leave too. I'm just about to call it quits altogether and spend more time pushing anyone interested away and die in my own island not miserable, but content in my misery like I'm currently doing, because I don't want this I don't need this and I don't want to be here to live this existence if this is what my life is only made up of. I'm only staying alive longer working more to see if it changes, if not, them I'm done. No one will make that decision for me, I'm never going to let my life be in some else's hands, I have a baby girl who I love so much to see (she'd be two years old now) I'm so proud she existed in my life. my apparently my twin sister who we were supposed to be twin girls and my grandma who I miss the most since I saw her die in a horrific way at 12 awaiting for me when I die and family that miss me.

I'm just so overwhelmed, by just being alive. I wish someone wasn't here to save me. I don't need saving, I just want to be alone, but have been going out my way to be assertive and being kind and outgoing. At this point, I feel like it's not going to work, because of probably something stupid like always, I'll have to respect it and just let it all go and forget about any of it.
I hate how my friends brag so much stuff of all the girls they are with and around date and have sex with. I'm like always alone, I can't even connect with anyone. Let alone I try to with my dog just to cuddle, because I don't have anyone else. I figure when my mom and dog die that's when I'm going. Their be two funerals not one when my mom passes away. I just want a friends someone to be here, and when they said that person will come to you unexpectedly, is a liar. I don't believe in that crap, and despite not working so hard on finding on anything. I've gotten to the point, I just want to stop and just not care about giving anyone a chance nor even investing any of my emotional happiness and things I like with them, because they aren't their for me. It has always been like that, I don't have patience anymore, my therapist is worried about me and I do need not just therapy but specialized help for my specific issues.

I struggle with psychosis, and waking up and living every second how to get out of my bed or feeling like I'm drowning in water but I'm sitting down in a chair fine. I struggled with that from birth as a child. I struggled with loneliness all my life, and my kindness is never answered back. I was hated and ridiculed for my rape and a whole town made my life hell. I wanted to commit suicide at 8 years old when I had my first near death experience and my "friends" beat me up and abusing me.

What really got me was everyone thought I was being a whiny "b...." for "complaining" that I got bullied a lot like everyone else. I figured it would get better, but has gotten so much worse. Many days I'm scared to dating anyone, because my life now and then was hell and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else no matter how much I hate them at a short time.

I can't cry or make a sound that I am in my house, because I can't let my parents hear me, not that I'm afraid they'll do something. I just can't explain it to them and feel validated.

My whole life, I've had from imaginary friends, to friends who weren't friends, to people who just abuse me off and on.

It's like no matter how hard I have it, I'm always told to shut it out and be a grown up about it. Being so pushed past my limits, that I just want to die, to get away from these crazy people. That talking and making any conversation is easy and fun at times, but rather takes so much out of me.

I don't crack easy, but when I do, instead of trying to comfort me. I'm being threatened to be thrown in jail for just feeling angry or sad when it comes to my parents.

My ex's completely took advantage of my kindness made it a weakness and completely used me for as much convenient sex and whatever they wanted. My feelings didn't feel validated and I was so blinded and not understanding growing up. I learned how to do it right now thankfully, but I hate doing it. Like I am afraid if I tell this awesome person I can't date them or whatever and they have to have it like that at some point and can't wait for me. I'm just going to shut them out and completely destroy the bridge and not say anything hurtful just leave bail if it's gotten to that point where I am not going to feel safe with me being myself or my emotions. If I'm too boring or not enough for them is what I am scared the most, I feel like around girls, all I want to do is put a blade to my face or stomach and cut parts out I don't like and just stitch it up. Other days, I just want to hide my face under my sunglasses and look like I'm a douchebag be happy all the time even if I hate doing it. I don't care how long this post will be, it's my experience. I've gotten to the point.

I wish I wasn't born, I wish people wanted me here and show for it. Instead of saying it in their words, and just trying to make me feel better in the moment. I want to die, because I'm not convinced. I'd rather be dead than hear sympathy anymore and fake empathy. I feel under appreciated and pretty much so many young girls don't see that. So many people don't see that the ones that do are so superficial I can't stand it. I have very few friends I'm happy they are here, I know they'd be sad, and I just with people understood instead of being angry with me or trying to keep me going on just for them.

If I don't want to live it should be how I feel not them. If I want to be me, it should be me not them. If I want to do nice things for them it should be from me not them. I'm tired of it being the other way around and everyone is such a brat. I wish people took what's in my head seriously. See how smart I actually am, how motivated and capable I can do things better or help other people than most people can. I don't want it to go to waste, so that's all that's keeping me alive now and my music.

Love and relationships has seemed like almost an impossible climb or feet to me, I don't find the idea that someone who is fit for me eventually that comforting. Whoever they'd be I wouldn't like them probably later, because they wouldn't accept me, but maybe that's my problem. I'm surrounded by people like that, I don't settle for anyone anymore, I don't know.

I don't want a marriage, I don't want kids, I just want their time with me in whatever it is. In all honesty, I'd be there for them not for any other reason.

I would love relationships if I was a woman, you don't know how badly I wish I had that. I wanted to have a relationship with a woman as a woman. I would love to be a same sex couple and be in a marriage as a same sex couple. I'm so fed up how this society is on that, and how hard it is for me in my situation already. I figured, midas well end it, I can't afford nor be able to get what I want so I gave myself a timeline if I don't achieve it then. I'm done. I made that my suicide plan not, because I'm depressed. It feels like, this uphill battle isn't paying off. I will see what comes of it. If it does come through I'll be so happy and grateful, and just say thank you and just live with it with all the content that floods into me immediately.

All I wanted in life was to achieve something, but now I'm feeling my achievements will be unheard and unnoticed and so I'd rather die and not hear the rest of my story of whatever it could be living it out than just simply be dead and that be it.

[JJBX]

You are very well-spoken, sensitive, and insightful. I'm not sure that you realize it. It is a beautiful thing to see in a person.

I think your position is very tough to be in. You're basically waiting for your life to start and comparing yourself to the people who you think are more successful than you are. We each have our own journey and there just isn't a correct way to travel it.

I don't want to go too far into mine since you wrote a lot of stuff here that I want to respond to, but I will mention that I took the "correct" path in life. I worked my *** off in school to worsen my mental state, get good grades, land a scholarship, go to college, and work myself into insanity. Was it ambition? No. I was frantically running to put distance between me and my childhood. I didn't see that though. In my desperation to just get away from the pain and suffering I felt, I completely ignored what I truly needed to grow as a person. I got out of college and felt directionless. I was afraid to fail and become the worthless person my father always told me I was. I denied my worsening condition and hid my feelings and my increasingly suicidal state until 2 years ago, I snapped and attempted suicide. I couldn't handle the numbness anymore. I hated feeling like a massive failure... Like i was setting everyone up to expect great things from me and I just couldn't deliver it. I had become convinced that the pain was going to last forever and I wasn't capable of getting better. I realized after almost dying that I hadn't wanted to die all along. I just wanted to feel loved and accepted and to not feel the pain and numbness anymore. That close encounter with death was NOT worth the realization. That realization could have come at any time if I had just taken a moment to piece it together. Like I said, I was in such a frantic rush away from the problem that I didn't see that I was running headfirst into a bigger problem.

I don't think you truly want to die either. I mean, your life still has so much potential. You're clearly a very thoughtful person (as in, you think a lot), but you live inside your own head so much that maybe you're not seeing the forest for the trees. You're not defective; you just aren't giving yourself the credit you deserve.

You don't HAVE to jump at a relationship with the first person who is nice to you and you are not weird for not wanting to do that. You need some time to get out there and live life. There is nothing wrong about it. I'm sure this girl is very nice, but there are lots of nice girls in the world. Realizing that a relationship is not right for you at this moment makes you that thoughtful person I just said you were. At your age, it's actually something to be proud of.

I think maybe working on what you want your long-term game to be would be the best start. Have you considered perhaps looking at a certification program? There might be something you can do that doesn't require a 4-year degree, but can help you get a leg up. You don't have to pick a career right this instant. It will change. My husband went to college for art, and guess what? All of those jobs dried right up and he's back in school for programming. You can always shift gears later on.

As for transitioning, surgery would be way down the line anyway, so there's no reason you can't start reading up and figuring out what you want to do with your life. Before you even get close to the surgery, you have to talk to a counselor, do hormone therapy, and all of that. Don't worry about what people say about you being an ugly girl. That's what makeup is for (joking). I know it's a lot harder when you are already feeling very insecure about your identity to hear those kinds of things, but honestly, people have no idea what anyone would actually look like as the opposite gender until they see it.

I'm sorry that you live in a less understanding area, but there are other areas that might be prime for a fresh start. It's not going to be easy to make such big changes in your life, but it's all about baby steps. Just try to break it up into little pieces. You'll make it.

[Yismymindblank12]

You know exactly what I'm saying, I've died I can't how many times. I mean, I could explain them all, but your point is exactly what I'm saying. I don't want to die, I just want this girl to come into my life and love me for me and just be my friend. Not my lover, not my sexual partner, but the best positive friend I can have in my life and when I'm ready I'll date her.

I am focused on my music job and career, I work with an indie label through interscope records and trying my hardest to be a young millionaire. I'm not financially irresponsible despite having to pay for bills that have made things a lot harder that my parents are in a financial hell hole. I want to make lots of money to help them pay it all off in one check and tell them. You can do what you want with your life, I cleared your debt and enough money to get you mom to retirement comfortably and you dad to focus on being with family and doing what you want to do with your life and so you don't have to die on the job as he quotes.

I have a gay uncle who is married, I was there at the wedding and it was so amazing. I felt my dream was have a lesbian wedding, but when I say it. I don't get the best responses, but I'd love to move to southern cali. Work with my music contacts out there , indirectly and directly. Make my life something and just being me.

I just read an article about transgenderism and this PHD surgeon was explaining on his anecdotal responses on body dysmorphia and gender dsyphoria coming from shame and that it's not biological and he is very active on his comments. I made a comment explaining my story that, I was supposed to be born a girl. This is really the truth my mother had two twin girls, but two weeks later after saying that. My twin sister died from a miscarriage and the ultra sound specialist saw I'm still alive and I'm a boy. I was the stronger fetus and I have a female hip bones under my male body. I know I'd have some cute curves/waistline, toothpick legs and bonier build on me. I would have long thick hair dirty blonde or brunette and I'd die it every once in awhile. I'd have some piercings and wear trendy torn up tshirts that show some shoulder skin. My boobs wouldn't be that amazing, at the most a B cup. Realistically I could see them being at the most a double A.

If you saw me in person you wouldn't expect me to know all this for about myself in specifics. I'd spend time to put on make up wearing cute dresses and be a geek/classy/trendy girl. I'd love for boys and girls to comment how pretty I am, that mean the world to me.

I really like this girl, because I came out publicly on fb to friends of mine a week ago it was very hard, but she was super supportive and loved me for it. I really don't want to let her go, because she's a damn good friend I won't want to leave me. I'm afraid if she lost interest and she'd just stop talking to me and I feel like a phase instead of something lasting.

I'd believe you are exactly right, but how I go about it I'm not sure. I have enough experience in music, I thought I could land a job in sound design or music production. Just a normal sound designing job on top of my music career with edm music.

I just want to make enough money to live comfortable that's it. I don't want more or less. I wouldn't need to spend much, on myself currently and to add all that up. In me moving out again, I'd be saving so much money. I'm not a big spender and like the security of my finances there than feeling like I got to stress of not having it. I've gone through that hell and still going through it for awhile and I hate it. Worried about not having food, but wishing you were pretty enough or manly enough whatever for some girl to be sweeping me off my feet away for me to be emotionally comfortable with something instead of nothing. Like my little sister has with her bf in college. I'm beyond jealous of her, like she's completely arrogant and too ungrateful of a person to have what she has.

I made a response

[Yismymindblank12]

I love his channel, but he had a really rough life like mine and similar to mine he went through tough sexual abuse and through stuff in a church systematic abuse too. The phrase he says around minute 40 to 42 is what I look at my life, despite my suicide wants and needs.

Like this girl gave me the first feelings of comfort I was so thirsty and starved to need in my soul and body. I'm so used to being starved, I don't know what love is and further more I know and understand it, but rather doubt to believe I'll ever receive it because people don't care and choose to not care. I'd rather been single and scared to jump in any relationships, because of trying to cope and just adjusting. She's super supportive person, I know there will be other nice people, but with my life getting much worse in many aspects and me still saying it will be fine and it will get better. Internalizing that I'll die soon when it's time to on my own according, feels so overwhelming.

I wanted to be a single parent, but glad I didn't suffer the abuse knowing my daughter would be in a wrecked home growing up with her mother depraved from her real dad and with some other 30 year old crazy grownup dating a 17 almost 18 year old last year now 19 I think when I was 19.

I would tell her she is going to be so pretty all the boys would be jealous of the right guy that takes her, but I would pay attention to her as much as possible and she'd be my world. She feels like she still is, even though she had to be aborted. Yes I loved my ex, but I was both in love, confused, and sexually wanting more sex from this codependent abuse I've constantly received.

Despite her trying to tell me that she hated me and all these horrible things, she just made up after I said something she didn't like so she blamed me for all her problems and her poor choices whether health, financially, sexually, whatever. She'd come to my house or somewhere immediately and convince me to have sex with her again.

Her honest response was, "I really liked your d..." a lot. It was biggest and best I've had, and my point was not bragging about my junk at all. It got so damaging that not just her, but many of my exes wanted me to stay as a guy and telling me the same thing. 2 other girls besides them, and girls I did hook up with when they said that to me when I was insecure. I didn't say anything about that to them, but I felt very insecure about how well built I was over all. Being told how attractive and handsome I am, and despite that, I didn't like it.

I'd wish, I been in a fun simple best friendship ever that be a relationship physically with another girl as a girl. That as a girl, I can no longer hide in my shame and be so pretty and have us help each other's hair if we need to go shopping, go out and do what most girls do together at the same time do what I do as a guy too. It doesn't matter as long we are together as we are I'm happy. I always wanted that and dreamed of that. Like she be petite and pretty like me. Like we are the same person in the same boat and just overall amazing people to our friends and family, but together we fit so well as close friends.

[JJBX]

That's great that you have that goal in mind, but I would definitely work on a backup too. Music is not terribly lucrative, but technology is. I can't recommend programming, software development, and comp sci enough. I went for a more technical job and still do my writing on the side. I would love to write for a living, but that's a field, like music, it requires an incredible amount of luck to become really successful in it. The nice thing too is that learning a technical skill helps you with your artistic pursuits too. I can write programs that actually help me with my creative writing (and I have). It's something to consider.

It's important to make sure you set those short term goals so that you can achieve those broader goals. You might not become wealthy beyond all imagination, but that doesn't mean you can't become financially secure. You can discourage yourself by setting too many goals too high right away and not pacing yourself and I don't want to see that.

I can definitely see you have a lot of passion and I think that's great! Just don't lose sight of the next step you need to take. If you have a daughter too, you definitely want to make sure you can take some time out to be there for her, you know, set a positive example for her and show her how to become a responsible adult, though you really are just learning that for yourself. It's challenging, but I'm sure you'll be able to figure it out.

[Yismymindblank12]

If you have a daughter too, you definitely want to make sure you can take some time out to be there for her, you know, set a positive example for her and show her how to become a responsible adult, though you really are just learning that for yourself. It's challenging, but I'm sure you'll be able to figure it out. [/QUOTE]

She's dead, I didn't know if I explained this, she wasn't born... she was aborted at 2 trimester in the middle of it.

[Yismymindblank12]

I feel disconnected from this post from what I'm saying and what you take and read or what I put down on here at the time. At this point, I go in and out of feeling wanting connection that I don't need or want in the first place, I hate my loneliness, but rather not work at some job anywhere for things I don't care for. More or less my life shouldn't be playing video games, I can use my own imagination and just isolate myself from everyone. I would do everything to get me off the grid of everything and hermit myself being homeless and far away as possible from civilization and people altogether. I just want to be in a place where I can go crazy in my own head and no one bother me. It's just too hard to make anything happen with anyone. I'm not going to lie none of my relationships are healthy to me at least, I honestly don't know. I am probably incapable of them to understand what any of it is subconsciously even though I could say I know.

Maybe everyone is right, I've should of died a long time ago and did everyone a favor.

I wish I could of ran away and no one would of found me as a child. I don't care on pain anymore, sometimes when it gets to a point. I'll be so desperate to kill myself by anything no matter how excrutiating it can be when I feel comfortable to do so. I know it will probably be when if my mom dies in an accident or something or when in 10 years. when I'm almost thirty, and I feel like I don't want to be old.

[Yismymindblank12]

The whole thing wanting to reach out and just wanting to bother being close or even talking to anyone for anything is too much. I guess I do it on here and pretend I'm talking to myself that's talking back to me, not someone is actually on the other side of another spot. It's just how it feels not that it's what I believe, deep down. I just don't want to connect and rather prepare myself for death now and just get ready to work hard on living what I have for what I have now. Then die, pretty much I don't want to be here anymore and I'd never want to be in some existence with humans or anything related to humanity ever again.

I never ever want to come back here. I don't believe in much, because I lack the faith anything will be done, except monotonous crap and nothing that feels like I'm achieving anything. Rather, all my life I've been preparing for death and rather feel it's better sooner than later and more suffering I don't need.

Really relationships wasted my time and always other people were the reason my life went to hell, my decisions trying to fight my way out of this is too much. People don't know or see anything I see, they try to only think it's perceptions based on their own issues that are completely different from mine. I don't blame them, but it feels hopeless at this point. I'd rather find a way to run away from this whole existence and find a way to never come back to a civilization or what I remember on anything. I just want to be completely far far far away. I had enough, and I just want to shut the world out. People can make the argument I just want a pity party alone to some degree yes that's true, but they don't see that I don't like them. No matter how close, no matter how many times my mother says she loves me, I'm not convinced anymore, I've been hurt beyond to a point. I don't want to be anywhere, I just want something to feel connected and the lack of feeling any bond altogether has just put me in a tight situation. I'm afraid I'll break out in public or with friends and die right in front of them or alone and they don't find my body. Either or, I'd rather my death be quiet and unnoticed, just like the world who only cares about self destruction and people who only want to use and destroy and fake love and don't understand what love, compassion or any of that means. Religious people don't, my family can't, I'm probably blinded by my experience in just having horrible things happen to me. I really can't get out of this hole no matter what I can do, I do need my therapist, but I have to pay 301 dollars now that insurance lied about they paid for it, I feel this whole thing about all of this. Is such a waste of time, I'd be dead a lot faster than they can get me help. Honestly. I really don't have time or the patience anymore to put up with people online, here, in person, anywhere.

I don't feel respected and rather feel that my psychosis is bad. I've gone to a place where I can't get out, and I'm forever trapped in this hellhole. It feels like basic things people do to enjoy life and be and feel alive scares me to death, everyone scares me, I feel them always watching trying to plot their next move to harm me, trying to force me in a mental hospital a way they can control me. So I'm "safe" when they are encouraging me to die a way I don't want to go.

I'm truly a disturbed person, I really have no place here and rather despite what others say. It's my body and my life, I don't want to hear about this selfish stuff or being told to feel guilty anymore. My parents make me guilty all the time over everything my friends make me guilty, everyone works so hard to make me feel so guilty. Everyone tells me how stupid, or incapable I am, no matter how hard I try not to believe anyone. I can't help it, but feel I'm the true minority. Playing somewhat of a victim, and just wanting to get out and avoid people is the only way for me to heal, but I have no salvation. I only have hell. Like why is this morality thing even worrisome. It's like I find it completely absurd, I don't want anyone to pay for my funeral, just let me rot in a field or burn my body and no one will know. Like I've known all my childhood I'd die young, I don't know how young.

It's either the freak accidents that I constantly have dreams and night terrors about of being murdered or falling off a bridge in a car accident drowning. I am either aware that people will miss me, it's not that I don't miss them. I just need to dissociate everything, because it's too much. Even saying a simple I love you and a smile takes a lot. I am not at piece, I'm always at war with my reality that is completely broken since day one. Scarred from my insight destroyed and lack of judgement, I can't plan for anything, but rather I feel when it happens. I'll be dead and that be it.

I'm just feeling so numb, not once I'll see my healing. I'm dying, despite what happens good and bad in my life people see on the outside my deep dark secret. I'm going to die in front of them, I'm going to die away from them, I'm going to die somehow someway. Either I wait for it to happen, put myself in the scenario for it to happen on accident or suicide. I am afraid to be near people, because I don't want to hurt them. I thought I was protecting them, but they were my perpetrators to begin with. In the end, all I care about is shutting everyone out in my darkest parts of my mind and just figure out where to go with my life from here.