[Artchic528]

He was my first love, and I've only recently realized that I'm thinking more and more about him. Most likely because he was the only guy to go on to be my boyfriend....

He was my first, in more ways than one...and because of that, he is special to me. He even went so far as to introduce me to his family...but then he grew distant...stop complementing me, stop saying "I love you". He claims that people change...but it was him who changed...really. He was a nice enough guy, kept me as his GF til after Valentine's day...which is decent, I guess. But all the same, he wanted to break up. He initiated the break up. I just went along because I wanted him to be happy.

He said he wanted to be good friends after we broke up..but that didn't last long. He stopped calling, stopped coming over to hang out...stopped talking to me on Facebook...

We haven't spoken in nearly 2 and a half years now....I admit, I'm scared to even look at his relationship status. I'm afraid of how I'll react. I'm insanely jealous sometimes...and do crazy things when that jealousy arises...

He's probably married by now. Or at least in another relationship....as I suspect was the reason he stopped talking to me. I guess....a part of me still holds him close as the special someone who first told me he loved me, first touched me in ways no other man has touched me....before or since...and was the one who took my virginity....

Am I still in love with him? Even if that is so, what difference does it make, we had our chance and he's made it clear he doesn't want to speak to me anymore. I often wonder if I was just a rebound girl for him....he did say he had been engaged to be married at one point before meeting me.

Maybe....I was never really more than a means to forget. To move on. And when he moved on successfully, he had no need of me anymore. I loved him. I truly did, but.....did he ever really love me?

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

I loved him. I truly did, but.....did he ever really love me?

There's no question in my mind that he had feelings for you. You know the story about how sometimes people just don't work out and all that, but I'm sure he loved you.

[gayleggg]

I think you are in love with a memory, not necessarily the person. I know I went down that road, only I actually got back together with my first love and found that I had forgotten all the reasons we broke up in the first place.

[Artchic528]

Oh....well, I guess that's that then....I'm just fondly remembering the good times...

Maybe someday I'll know the feeling of what it's like to be touched again by a man...maybe....

Originally Posted by gayleggg;4199038[B

I think you are in love with a memory, not necessarily the person. [/B]I know I went down that road, only I actually got back together with my first love and found that I had forgotten all the reasons we broke up in the first place.

That is a priceless statement , I think many people experience this with a lover or friends .

[Artchic528]

...it was the only good memory I have of a man...

I don't know why I can't make more good memories....I'm a great person...guys just don't seem to notice me I guess. I'm always the friend.....nothing more.

Have you tried dating sites ?

[Artchic528]

Yup....never been very successful with those...sorry. It's a good idea if they work for you...it's how I met my ex, actually, but since then...no luck whatsoever....guess I'm not doing something right.

I see your from Charlotte, NC , I am sure they have group gatherings for art or music .
Find out what you enjoy and join a group .

Have you look on craigslist under personal w seeking m ?

Example .. lets say you enjoy hiking join a hiking group , a great way to meet guys

[Artchic528]

I'm going to meetups..but since I can't drive...I can't go to many. It's frustrating for me as I don't get out much. I'm not making excuses, don't get me wrong. I am trying to get out as much as I possibly can. But it's like pulling teeth to get a ride to a meetup around here...so I don't ask very often.

Public transportation should be an option here, but it isn't. I live a good 45 minute walk away from the nearest bus stop. Can't really use that stop much, and it's so cold out lately that walking to it is uncomfortable physically.

Sorry....I don't mean to sound like I'm not taking your advice. I'm doing all that I can, it's just not enough to get guys to notice me in that way, I guess. I'm losing weight, so I'm feeling good about myself, for the first time in forever...so physically I'm headed to where I'd like to be, well weight wise. I'm looking in the mirror now and seeing an attractive face looking back at me. I like that face. Especially when I wear make-up...but not too much.

I'm rambling, I guess. In short, I'm trying. I'm putting in the effort, just getting awfully discouraged.

45 min. walk to the bus line is quite a walk ..I don't blame you
Is there a way you would be able to drive if you wanted to ?
Is that even an option if you can take drivers ED ?
As you know having a car will give you more freedom to go where you want to go and not be so limited .

I think that is great your losing weight and I am sure it feels good inside and out , and your self steam will grow as well ...

[Artchic528]

Not really, no driving for me. I'm too dangerous behind a wheel, mostly spacial awareness issues and all....

So yeah...as much as I'd love to have that freedom....it's not looking likely at all.

I was feeling better.....but now I'm really down...you see, I have no life because I am mostly at home, and the internet is my soul means of socializing.....I'm so pathetic....my world is far too small and despite my efforts to make it bigger, it refuses to grow....

Are you living in an apartment where there are other people around ?
Maybe you can become friends with someone near you ?

[Artchic528]

Nope...I live in a house....in a suburb....mostly families with kids here...

Maybe being so limited is just my lot in life.....maybe I should just accept it. Ya know? Social lives are over rated anyways...

Have you thought about maybe moving closer to the city ?

[Artchic528]

I...can't afford to...I'm dirt poor...

I'm honestly not shooting everything you suggest down right away....you're giving great advice and I appreciate it, really I do. Its just that I'm really at a loss here....and I've had a really...REALLY bad couple of days.... I'm just not feeling very optimistic or enthusiastic right now..I apologize if I'm frustrating you....I never mean to be frustrating to anybody...I really don't...

I really need rest, but can't calm my mind enough to do so. I'm too upset...Maybe I'll just do some "imagine a happy place" type deals and use that to relax enough to get sleeping...

I wish I had a magic answer for you I am sorry , I hope I was not pushing you

[divine1966]

what do you do during the day? work? school? i know it is tough to meet people staying home... I understand

[Artchic528]

No, you weren't. I'm just frustrated and as a result, it can be frustrating to help me. I appreciate the help, it was very thoughtful of you.

I'm probably going to have to accept that socializing, let alone a relationship, just aren't in the cards for me. Maybe someday the cards will allow me to have someone to socialize with.....hang out with....be friends with.....

Going to be hard though, as human beings like me are a social species...so battling inate desires to be among others is going to be tough. Maybe I can just.....be a hermit or something and go live somewhere where I can't be tempted to socialize? Okay, now I'm just being silly.....

But yeah, socializing isn't happening for me now.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

No, you weren't. I'm just frustrated and as a result, it can be frustrating to help me. I appreciate the help, it was very thoughtful of you.

I'm probably going to have to accept that socializing, let alone a relationship, just aren't in the cards for me. Maybe someday the cards will allow me to have someone to socialize with.....hang out with....be friends with.....

Going to be hard though, as human beings like me are a social species...so battling inate desires to be among others is going to be tough. Maybe I can just.....be a hermit or something and go live somewhere where I can't be tempted to socialize? Okay, now I'm just being silly.....

But yeah, socializing isn't happening for me now.

what if you go somewhere with your family member, like you live with your mom and she drives can you guys go somewhere together?

like if you like to volunteer. i volunteer in a homeless shelter occasionally. i am not saying you go meet men there LOL but not only you help others but you get to talk to people who work there.

i had no one to spend New year Eve with (just broke up with someone and my family gets on my nerves lately), so i went to homeless shelter and actually not only helped in the kitchen but socialized with a cook and other workers and chatted with folks who came to soup kitchen to eat. i actually not only felt useful but had a good time.

ask your mom to go with you if she drives.

[Artchic528]

I do ask my Mom, but she has a lot on her plate right now....she's often coming home late every night from work. I don't want to ask more of her than she has....I don't want to take advantage of her.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

I do ask my Mom, but she has a lot on her plate right now....she's often coming home late every night from work. I don't want to ask more of her than she has....I don't want to take advantage of her.

I didn't mean for you to ask her to drive you, but both of you go do something like this together. Just instead of maybe going out, go do some social thing like volunteering (don't have to be shelter could be animal shelter or hospital or some other community clean up type of thing etc). So you both get out do something together but it would involve other people. I don't mean it as take advantage but rather you both might enjoy something.

[Artchic528]

Well, we go to adoption events sometimes....but Mom gets really tired from doing those so it's not a regular thing, plus we don't always have a foster animal that needs adopting.

Anyways...I'll survive, somehow.....I think. I've gotten this far..who knows..maybe another 30 years can be done? Just wish that I didn't have this damn need to talk to people....

I've realized now that maybe I'm not the kind of person who can have friends either...it's like they say they are my friend...then stop being so whenever I'm going through some really bad ****, because I often teeter on the edge of severe depression and wanting to....just end it all. They don't want to deal with me because they think I'm being dramatic on purpose....just to garner attention.....

That's why I'm not very trusting of people anymore. Humans are so fickle....I often had strong deep seeded desires to be a cat when I was younger...escape my life as a person, just turn into a cat and walk away from it all. I got the idea from this book series I loved as a kid...

But unfortunately, I can't do that as it's not physically possible. So....I just...stare at my walls and talk to my cat and dogs....they don't ever judge me or say anything mean or hurtful....they aren't condescending, rude, and play mind games with me. They don't gang up on me....and then laugh when I'm running away crying my eyes out....

People are so cruel...I have no faith left in the species I once called my own. Now I just want to be my own species....so I don't have to share the same branch as them on the evolutionary tree. I don't want to identify with them in any way....Can I reclassify myself? Where's the forms?

You said there are kids that live near you , make flyers and pass them around to babysit , walk dogs , if you don't have to be stuck in the house get outside .

[Artchic528]

*sigh*

Thanks for the suggestions...I'll take them into consideration...