I think she only likes me for reasons that serve her. She likes my company, she likes to have sex with me, and she probably likes moral support and also the idea of being in a relationship. Is it too much to ask for some sort of selfless caring from her?

[manwithnofriends]

Hmm, is there something you could do together? Something that makes you two both happy and warm-hearted? I'm sure you're not far from a coastline, and it's summer where you are. (Unless you live near Ayer's Rock?)

[Elektra_]

excuse me, what are u complaining about??

[danvb]

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

I think she only likes me for reasons that serve her. She likes my company, she likes to have sex with me, and she probably likes moral support and also the idea of being in a relationship. Is it too much to ask for some sort of selfless caring from her?

Well... HAVE you?
I mean, have you ASKED her?
Have you told her how you feel?

I would think that that might be the first place to start...

Dan

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by Elektra_

excuse me, what are u complaining about??

I agree here. I don't quite understand what's missing. She likes your company (so she likes YOU) and likes being intimate with you.

Relationships are two way streets. Both partners need to get something out of it for it to work. I don't know what kind of selfless reason you would be looking for?

[Grey Matter]

IT, I think you're looking for a problem when there isn't one. Every relationship, be that friendship or partnership, has a balance. We take things from a relationship, and we give in a relationship. A completely selfless partnership is not a possibility as we fall into partnerships and friendships because the people make US feel good.

She enjoys your company and she enjoys being able to say she is in a relationship with you. That isn't being selfish. Yes, of course she continues these things because it makes her feel good, but it's rare that she would carry on just to suit herself. Why would she spend time with you if she were just using you for a label? Why would she bother getting intimate with you if she didn't want to?

I have seen so many relationships hit road blocks because people look for issues that aren't there. Mostly because there isn't a lot of open communication about feelings in terms of the relationship. Have you really looked at the partnership and came to the conclusion that she gives you nothing? Or are you searching for an issue where there isn't one? I am not saying this to be cold, I am saying this because I have been in relationships with people who have done this and instead of opening a discussion about it, they created all of these problems in their minds then exploded on me with these "issues" I was not aware about.

What more would you be looking for? I have a feeling if you're giving her moral support, she also returns it. Partners can't give proverbial limbs to one another, or become each others solar systems, it never ends well. If you feel it's unbalanced, you need to speak with her and nip what ever it is in the bud.

[danvb]

I would suspect that what you might be looking for in your relationship is intimacy...and a sense of connection.

Just because you're having sex with someone and lend them moral support doesn't mean that there's any intimacy in the relationship. It doen't mean that there's any connection.

Without intimacy there IS a desire for a connection... Something IS missing.

There is so much MORE to a relationship than simply sharing ones company, sex and moral support. What THAT describes is nothing more than "friends with benefits" and not a mature, loving relationship.

Talk with your partner and let her know what you think and what you want.

Dan

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

Is it too much to ask for some sort of selfless caring from her?

I do not feel that it's too much to ask for your personal needs to be met. I feel that danv may be onto something here, about intimacy. However, I am brainstorming, how to best bring up such a topic. It involves expressing what needs are lacking. Asking for 'selfless caring' or even 'emotional intimacy', may indeed be too far reaching of terms.

Can you be more specific about what you want/need when you express the desire to have selfless caring? ((random acts of kindness comes to mind, at the moment))

Yes, I think intimacy is probably the word I am looking for.

I want to feel that she cares for me for me.

[wife22]

Well,may be that intimacy means coming home by the end of the day and feeling that it is exactly where you belong-next to that person,feeling that you'll deal with life as long as that person is with you,and assurance of mutuality of said feelings,knowing that you have a permanent anchor in your partner and will not be adrift on waves of uncertainty.May be intimacy is acceptance of who you are with all the flaws..Just brainstorming here...

[healingme4me]

Here's some reading material. What I, personally do, when reading up, on anything of specific, is filter through the babble of things, that don't necessarily pertain to me, yet, read with an open mind, of trying to learn what it is, that I want to gain. For instance, some of this talks about marriage and family, though, it won't specifically pertain, on that level, the information alone is worthwhile, if this is something you are hoping to work on in your life.

Hope these help. Sure, there's a bunch more out there.

Intimacy: The Art of Relationships | Psychology Today

The Five Levels of Intimacy « Power to Change

How to Create Emotional Intimacy

The Right Way to True Intimacy - eHarmony Advice

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marr..._intimacy.aspx

I think you should sit down with your wife and be completely honest about how you're feeling. Communication is #1.

[liveforfish]

Originally Posted by Cracking Slowly

I think you should sit down with your wife and be completely honest about how you're feeling. Communication is #1.

Agree. My husband feels unloved when I don't cook for him, spend time with him or text him during the nights I work. Seems silly, but it means a lot to him.

He says he feels taken advantage of. That he feels he's only here to pay the bills.

Now those things aren't important to me at all so it's an effort to do them.

Maybe you could sit down and tell her the specifics of what you need.

[StrongerMan]

Some people are just incapable of mature intimacy... it could be with that one person or in general. Intimacy involves being vulnerable to another. Same for trust.

[danvb]

I can only tell you what intimacy is for me. I'm a very feeling and intuition-oriented guy, so intimacy to me is all about mutual feelings and deep connections. To me, intimacy isn't about doing anything physical... it isn't about making an effort. To me, intimacy is about feeling a mutual connection with the person you Love... It's about enhancing your partners emotional well-being and living in a state of romantic Love. Sharing romantic Love is the key to intimacy. I can't imagine it being possible for me to ever feel intimate with someone if I didn't feel deep romantic Love for them first. And, of course, that Love must be mutual. Intimacy is KNOWING that your partner Loves you and admires you and wants to please you as much as you feel those things towards them.

To me, experiencing intimacy might be as simple as my looking into the refrigerator and seeing that my wife made me a salad for my lunch before she went to work. To me, that never fails to move me. You see, I KNOW that my wife didn't have to do that. She did it to please me... and that brings me so close to her that it often chokes me up. It's intimate. She wanted to please me and she knows that it would... and I NEVER fail to let her know how much I appreciate her wonderful gesture and that it pleased me... which in turn pleases her. THAT is intimacy... THAT is romantic Love.

Dan

[StrongerMan]

That hits on what I think is the must have for intimacy... mutual trust. Some people only see relationships as transactional. They're "acts of love" are merely a means of getting what they want. And, sadly, they can only see their partner's acts from that perspective as well. They cannot trust and therefore cannot be truly intimate. In your case, Dan, you trust that your wife made that salad primarily out of her love for you. I say primarily because being a bit selfish sometimes is human nature and normal in any relationship.

[danvb]

Originally Posted by StrongerMan

In your case, Dan, you trust that your wife made that salad primarily out of her love for you.

OH! Sorry. I guess I just take trust as a given. Maybe I've been married for too long. For me, trust just IS... sort of like breathing. It never even occurs to either one of us that we don't trust one another. It never enters our mind. For me, there can be no romantic Love without mutual trust... which in turn makes true intimacy possible.

As I said at the start of my post. I was defining what intimacy is for ME. I'm not saying anything here because I think it's something other people should do. To each their own. I'm not describing an ideology. I'm only describing what actually works for me and for my wife in our relationship.

No, in my case, I KNOW she made the salad to please me. She often makes a lunch for me, not because she thinks it's something she is supposed to do or has to do, but because she knows it pleases me. She does things for me because it pleases her to please me which on turn pleases me, which pleases her... and so on and so on and so on. We both do things for each other solely because we know our partner will be pleased. That level of wanting to please and being pleased is very intimate. It's making a connection... even though we might be miles apart, a connection is made.

Be very careful when you use the term "normal" in describing something... The specific words you use to convey an thought or idea make a great deal of difference . When you use the word "selfish" it usually conveys a negative meaning. In other words, being selfish is not a good thing. It's usually thought of as the opposite of being generous or selfless. Yes, there are times when I do something that benefits myself first. And sometimes my wife does the same thing. But, that isn't being selfish! I EXPECT my wife to do things just for herself. She expects that I'll do he same. But, acting in a way that is self-satisfying is not selfish. It's only selfish when the reason or motivation for doing so is to be exclusive. That's to say, to intentionally exclude your partner when you know that exclusion will not please them. Is that "normal"? I don't know. In our relationship, it isn't something we would define as "normal".

At any rate, you bet! I agree. I think you have to have mutual trust or the chances of finding intimacy are zilch.

Dan

[healingme4me]

IT, were you able to talk with your Lady, yet? Wondering how things are going.

[StrongerMan]

Normal is subjective... Normal is different for everyone. It is shades of gray. It is not black and white... good or bad... right or wrong.
Sorry Dan if you mistook what I meant by normal. Be careful how you take people's words.

nor·mal
ˈnôrməl/
adjective
adjective: normal

1. 1.
   conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.
   "it's quite normal for puppies to bolt their food"
   synonyms:usual, standard, ordinary, customary, conventional, habitual, accustomed, expected, wonted; Moretypical, stock, common, everyday, regular, routine, established, set, fixed, traditional, time-honored
   "they issue books in the normal way"
   
   noun
   noun: normal; plural noun: normals
   1.
   the usual, average, or typical state or condition.
   "her temperature was above normal"

[StrongerMan]

Same with selfish... We all have selfish parts of us and selfless parts. Selfish is not good nor bad. It is... normal.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Here's some reading material.

Intimacy: The Art of Relationships | Psychology Today

The Five Levels of Intimacy « Power to Change

How to Create Emotional Intimacy

The Right Way to True Intimacy - eHarmony Advice

Developing Emotional Intimacy - Focus on the Family

Thanks, healing, these are some great articles. I ordered a book by lori h gordon, the first author. I dont know how you would do this outside of therapy but maybe that's because my upbringing was so impersonal, to say the least. She wrote this article in 1969 - if only i'd seen it then! But i would have thought it was a foreign language.

[NWgirl2013]

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

I think she only likes me for reasons that serve her. She likes my company, she likes to have sex with me, and she probably likes moral support and also the idea of being in a relationship. Is it too much to ask for some sort of selfless caring from her?

My H would consider this a dream marriage. I think I would too. These expressions/connections are indicative to me of caring, sort of goes without saying on some level. There is no trust between us so there is none of the above either.
I don't understand what selfless expression, intimacy, you seek but if you can figure it out and say it out loud, that is probably the answer.

Dan; all the 'little things' I have always done for my H (your salad comes to mind) he does not make the connection that I do those things For Him. It is my nature to give, give, give, so what I do does not even occur to him as being special or caring. In fact he finds my "caring" & expressions of affection/concern/understanding inconveniences he has to endure.

But then, we could not be more mismatched if we had gone out and looked for our polar opposites on purpose.
He wants someone to talk theoretical physics with, talk about current events, anything but the RL around him. I like to garden/cook/camp/be with friends (even him), the nature/nurture type, everything important to me, he thinks is a waste of time & energy.

OP, count your blessings....

[danvb]

Originally Posted by StrongerMan

Same with selfish... We all have selfish parts of us and selfless parts. Selfish is not good nor bad. It is... normal.

Oh, sorry, my mistake.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

IT, were you able to talk with your Lady, yet? Wondering how things are going.

No. My social worker has offered to speak to her for me but I don't know.

[Mid-Life-Larry]

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

No. My social worker has offered to speak to her for me but I don't know.

Good luck IT; remember the other person has to be willing to accept partial responsibility for the "fix".