Hypocrisy when it comes to tolerance?

My family comes from a more pretty conservative culture(which shall remain ambiguous) which views some things pretty differently from mainstream culture in the U.S. One big example is that homosexuality is very taboo and it is the norm for people to be intolerant of gays in our native culture. My younger brothers and I were raised in the U.S. and we think more like people here, therefore we have a pretty tolerant attitude towards things like homosexuality.

However, what is pissing me off is that my brothers seem to have simply replaced those intolerant views with the intolerant views which are rampant among Americans. For example, a few days ago we were discussing a character from a T.V. show. My brother started saying how he hates this character, and the main reason he gave for it is the fact that he is in his 30s and had a dating stint with another character who is an 19 year old college girl. This character is portrayed as a narcissistic douchebag in general on the show, but what makes him a bad person to my brother is the fact that he dated a younger woman. This is the same brother who when one of my friends used the word "******" he stopped him and started saying how that's not a good word to use.

So basically hating homosexuals is bigotry but hating men who date younger women is ok? I find this really hypocritical. And as an almost 27 year old guy who has every intention of dating younger women, I find it very offensive too.

Also,I find it funny that so many college aged guys who probably fantasize about getting with older woman take it upon themselves to bash older men who pursue girls their age.

Well, I don't know what your culture says about dating, and I won't ask out of respect because I know you asked for it to remain anonymous, but I think that as long as two adults, that is anyone above the age of say...21 or thereabouts, can make their own decisions about those they want to date. Love knows no boundaries, or so they say, though I have yet to experience it myself, so who knows what this "love" stuff is really about. Or even if it even exists. So yeah. As long as the age difference isn't too terribly big I don't see a problem with it.

I see where you're coming from though, and maybe discussing this subject with your brother in a calm neutral setting, like a coffee house or something, might be the best way to go. Tell him you find his views offensive and would rather he not express them while around you.

He does have a right to his views though, no matter how skewed they are, as an American citizen. So you can't just expect him to change what he thinks because you said it's wrong. That's the whole reason this country was founded. To allow people to have their own opinions and views.

I agree that everyone has a right to their own opinion. But society as a whole seems to be hypocritical. When people are intolerant of certain things, society labels them as intolerant and expects them to change their opinion, but other forms of intolerance are acceptable.

I believe that two adults who both consent to a relationship should be allowed to be in it, regardless of age. But I can also understand some hesitation in approving a relationship between someone aged 30 and someone aged 19. Someone who is 19 IS legally an adult, but at that age, their brains are still developing and many of them lack the maturity of someone who is 30, solely based on brain chemistry. I honestly would have a hard time understanding or even trusting a 30 year old who would date a 19 year old, since I would assume the 30 year old would realize that the 19 year old was still growing and changing and probably not ready to date someone who's an actual functioning adult. Age difference doesn't matter to me, it's only the idea that someone that young isn't done mentally developing yet.

Well, like I said previously, I am an almost 27 year old and I am often attracted to girls as young as 19 and would have no problem with dating someone that young. So I guess I'm one of those creepy sleaze balls you don't trust huh?

Btw, you're generalizing. Maturity doesn't come from physical age, it comes from experience. I have never dated anyone at all. So therefore I am developmentally closer to 19 year olds than to women my age, most of whom are done dating anyways and just want bag a husband. By your logic I shouldn't date women my age either.

Also, what if a guy is only attracted to young women? How is that different than a man who is only attracted to men? I can't control who I'm attracted to and does tend to be younger women. Why is it fair for me to be judged for that?

When does someone "get done developing" anyways? I see you're 22, do you think you're still a child who's off limits to 30 year old men also?

Just fyi, I am SEETHING with anger right now.

I believe that when you're truly comfortable with yourself, other's opinions don't matter.
So I wouldn't let other's opinions have so much affect on you.
I've walked down the street (I'm a female) holding a girlfriend's hand, without a care in the world..
I've also (At 22) walked down the street holding a 39 year old man's hand, happiest I've ever been.
I didn't care what anyone thought at all 'cos I was happy in my own little world.

You're probably right. And I'm not happy with myself. My life is so pathetic, it's like I'm living in a country with Sharia law. Except that would be better because then everyone else would be in the same boat. Here I have to watch guys almost half my age enjoy the experiences I'm looking for. And society tells me I am a flawed human being for still wanting those experiences. While the reality is, it's society's fault that I was deprived of these experiences in the first place.

You live in the USA?

Have you been out of the country ?

Nope I live in the USA. I hear other countries are different. But some might be worse. Who knows.

It is thanks to this vile intolerance that exists in this society that every day I age it feels like I am being slowly stabbed to death. Under normal circumstances the fact that I am nearly 27 would mean absolutely nothing since I am physically capable everything I would have been capable of years ago. But people and their cruel heartless intolerance have turned it into a living hell for me. These same people who years ago forced me into loneliness are now preventing me from going back and enjoying the life they deprived me of. Words fail me when I try to describe the evil that these people display.

There is nothing creepy in age difference as long as people are over 18. My gramps was 12 years older than grandma and when they met she was 18 and he was 30 they raised two kids and lived happily and before some people say well it was old times well not really my grandma had a college degree and professional job her whole life, so not some backwards family. Nothing wrong with it

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Picasso met his second wife when she was 27 and he was 72. Their relationship lasted until his death some 20 years later.

I asked a question relating to this on yahoo answers and here is an answer that a woman actually posted:

"well if you still feel emotionally immature
it is probably better for you to date immature girls as well
in their early 20s
you probably couldn't handle mature women
so stick to the ones you can handle"

It is so hilarious how they resort to passive aggressive comments like this in some cases because they are just so hateful and intolerant that they can't just accept a man wanting to date a young woman as being perfectly ok. I truly think that usually these are women who are jealous of younger women and want to see men only dating women their own age or older. This is why even a 27 year old dating a 22 year old is problematic to them.

Dear Abby weighs in:

Dear Abby: Couple?s age gap poses challenges to be overcome | The Miami Herald

I think you're coming across as rather rude when I only stated an opinion. You don't have to listen to me. You weren't looking for opinions, you were looking for someone to validate your thoughts and to say exactly what you wanted to hear. Which is fine because all people need validation sometimes. But don't put words in my mouth and don't point fingers at me.

I wasn't really trying to single you out or put words in your mouth, I was simply responding to what you said and pointing out why I disagree. You said that you would not trust 30 a year old guy who who dates a girl as young as 19 based on the fact that you think they are at different maturity levels. I pointed out how I am 27 and WOULD date a girl that young and how I don't see the maturity difference as being an issue, considering how in many ways, most girls my own age are ahead of me in maturity.

A 19 year old is an adult. I don't get why people are ok with 19 year olds fighting in the military and being tried as adults in criminal courts, but if someone older wants to date them, THAT'S what they have a problem with. I am pretty sure it's about something other than their alleged lack of maturity.

Honestly if you are 27 and never dated anyone then the age of your prospective date might not be the biggest issue here. Is there any particular reason you have never dated or have been in a relationship? I understand being conservative and coming from a different background but if you live in the U.S. And typically at age 27 completed your education/training and are working, so what is the reason for you not dating?

You seem to be very upset and preoccupied with idea of young girl yet you have no experience with any girls. I am not judging as you might have your reasons but until you actually date you might not even know what you prefer. Start dating

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Well, first thing I should mention, I'm actually still 26, almost 27, I just round up.

But there are a slew of reasons why I never got to date and, believe it or not, my family's conservative culture is actually NOT one of them. My parents actually have no real problem with dating and my mom actually tries to encourage me to talk to girls. My youngest brother who is 18 has already had a bunch of girlfriends. As for the reason I never got to date, it all starts in school when I was awkward and a social outcast. Everyone looked at me as a loser, and I could not get involved at all socially. In other words, it was forced on me by others. The same "others" who now want to tell me I am a creep if I date younger women. Just fyi, just typing that out fills me with so much rage. But anyways, when I got to college I managed to find a group of friends, basically people from my cultural group. However, since my previous experiences left me socially awkward, I was incapable of breaking out of my shell and getting involved in social activities which would enable me to meet girls I like.

Anyways, age itself doesn't matter to me. If I met a girl I really liked and found myself attracted to, I would be interested in her regardless of her age. However, the issue is, since I didn't get to date yet, I still need to play the field and figure out what I want in a relationship before I can even think about anything serious or long term. Most women over 24-25 are no longer just looking to have flings like the ones I am looking for; they already got it out of their system and now they know what they want. Yes I KNOW this doesn't apply to ALL of them, and there are some women my age like me, but those are the exception, not the rule. The fact is, the VAST majority of the girls I will meet who will be looking for the same thing I am looking for will be YOUNGER. There is no denying this. Also, even IF there were just as many women my age and older looking for this kind of thing(which again, there just isn't), I can't control who I like. It is just to get a crush on a younger woman than a woman my age. I don't think it's fair that I would be expected to pass those up just because they are younger. I shouldn't have to limit myself at all.

Well then there is no issues really. If you were dating younger girls or at least asking them out and your family was objecting then it is frustrating, but just hypothetical discussions and theory of liking young girls I don't see what the big deal is. When you start dating then it will become a reality , until then it us just theoretical attraction to young girls, which so far isn't going anywhere.

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Well, my PARENTS wouldn't object. My brothers are a different story. I'm pretty sure they would lose all respect for me if I dated an 18-21 year old girl. And that goes back to the irony of this post: the intolerance in my family is coming not from our religiously conservative native culture, but from western "progressive" culture. These ideas about it being wrong for a guy to date a younger woman are 100% from this culture we were raised in here, and as I pointed out, my mom says she had never heard of such a thing growing up in her native culture. My brothers reject the intolerant ideas which exist in our native culture, like homophobia for example, meanwhile they embrace the intolerant ideas of western "progressive" culture. It's just pathetic.

I think it's also important to acknowledge that something like homophobia cannot really be compared to someone saying they don't think it's cool to date a 19 year old. The LGBTQ community has been oppressed and marginalized for many many years, mocked and hunted and killed and harassed in large numbers. I don't think it's fair to say that the oppression of homophobia and someone hurting your feelings because they don't approve of your young girlfriend are the same kind of pain.

I don't know why you are so concerned about what your brothers think....their thoughts or at least the one you quoted are NOT MAINSTREAM US beliefs.....they are their own personal way of looking at things.

My father was 27 years old, my mother was 19 when they got married & that was back in the 1940's during WWII. It's actually normal for older men to date & marry younger women in the US.....it's less acceptable for older women to date younger men than it is for older men to date & marry younger women......that has actually been the NORM for longer than I can ever remember....so I honestly don't know where you are getting your facts from other than what your brother says because he's NOT getting it from the normal society in the US.

Shoot, look at the marriage of George Cloony to Amal Alamuddin....he's 53 & she's 37......& no one even batted an eye at their age difference....so I'm not sure where you are getting your thinking from other than the comment that your brother made which IS NOT mainstream US society thinking.

Sounds like you have more anger to what your life was like & that you didn't have the confidence to date when you were younger because of problems you were dealing with of being different in a way that others noticed.....sounds like you might not actually be out of that shell you said you felt like you were in during college & it sounds like you might need some professional help to deal with those things of your past so that you can come into your OWN being in the NOW & process the past so that you can leave it there & get on with your own life.....sounds like your problems are more with other internal issues than they are with dating a younger woman.

Excellent post! I applaud you for your words ! so true

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This whole thread is all "what if". You do not have a girlfriend and never had one. When you actually. get a girlfriend then tell us how your family reacts and do they object or make it difficult for you, otherwise this is all speculations. You might not even get a younger girlfriend and might meet someone older than you! Until u date u never know.

And as I posted before I think you have a bigger issue than your brother making comments. Something preventing u from dating no matter age of girls and maybe that something needs to be worked on first. Therapy? Good luck


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