Wife's Past

My opinion, but I do have experience with this. (Not the cousin thing-ew) anyway, she has feelings for him still at least "physical" feelings. She is or has been talking with him on the side. Had the same exact thing happen to a friend of mine and I physically saw *everything*. The argument that followed as well. I wouldn't have allowed him over, its your home too. I hope it resolves easily

Update:

Things were going well. We have begun resuming our physically intimate relationship. I was beginning to let go of my feelings of resentment and beginning to enjoy our relationship..........until last night.

I had deleted my Facebook because I got tired of seeing references of this "cousin" and pictures of him as well. My wife knows this. Last night my son was on his Facebook showing me some things and I saw a picture of this "cousin" with his mom and his brother. To top it all off the reason it was on my son's page was because it was "liked" by my wife.

Not sure why this is bothering me so much. I am almost positive she would not have liked this photo if I was still on Facebook. Why can't she just let that part of her so called family go? Instead of telling me "He is part of my family dynamic and you have to deal with it", I want her to say "My husband is really hurting and I want to make him my priority". Why does this guy matter. She once told me that "she grew up with him", does that mean he deserves her in his life forever? She was so angry with me for having a problem with this. She yells "I gave you 16 years of my life and you can't let go of my past!" at me. The way I see it she has given this POS cousin 30 years and continues to put his feelings and the "families" above me. I guess I am just immature. Maybe I am not the right man for her.

These people are not even blood related. What is she holding on to? Her whole family has done nothing but take advantage of her and abuse her but she will always have a loyalty for them above her loyalty for me. Or so it seems that this is the way I see it.

Am I being ridiculous?

Thanks.

Here is where I am struggling and need help coping.

1. She keeps comparing one of my friends that has said some dumb things to her step cousin. I tell her the difference is that when I needed my friends the most they had my back and stopped me from doing something stupid while her step cousin used her for his pleasure and was not there to protect her. She counters this with she still has fond memories of him.

2. I am really struggling with the photo albums where the two of us (me and the step cousin) are in them. These pictures are of them growing up together. I know this may be a little crazy for me to get bothered by but it seems to me that she is still holding on to the "cousin" aspect of this guy.

3. She has now told me that in order for her to forgive herself I have to be ok with seeing him and her talking to him (this will only happen on infrequent family functions) and not be "afraid" to be on facebook. She has told me that she does not feel he needs to be condemned for a decision that she made when she was young and high. Once again all blame is on her and treats him as a victim. I don't want to forgive him. I don't have a problem with her, or maybe I have a problem that she views it as a "decision" instead of sex.

Should I just tell her to "friend" him on face book and store his number in her phone under "cousin". This definitely feels like how she wishes it could be. I don't know why it bothers me. Would anyone else in the forum be cool with this? Am I immature?

Sorry I sound like a broken record. I know most of you are probably getting annoyed with this by now. I know I am tired.

If some one could give me some ways to cope with these three points and/or a response that might help me explain my feelings a little better.

Maybe I just need some support?

Thanks.

You've twice said in recent posts that you don't know why you are bothered about something. Do you see an individual counselor?

Here are my thoughts on your points, fwiw:

1. I am not seeing why comparisons of different people matter. I wonder if this line of discussion could just be ended on both sides.

2. She could well hold on to the cousin aspect of the guy if she grew up with him. Although not blood related, if I understand you correctly he was stepson to the uncle that you said was a great man. What is her extended family like generally?

3. She has not forgiven herself for sleeping with him perhaps 20 years ago?

Could you say more about this problem? This also is another point that could usefully be discussed with an individual counselor.

Bill

Thanks for the reply. I was seeing a counselor but was not getting anywhere. I am looking for a new one.

To expand on the "decision" comment I am not a fan of her treating what happened between them like they just sat on the couch and had a conversation. For me sex is a big deal and not just a casual encounter that is shrugged off as nothing.

To reiterate my problems with this guy is that he is a dirt bag. He might have been good to her when they were 5 or 6 but ever since I have been in the picture I have never heard a good story about this guy. Only about how he deals drugs, tried to have sex with my wife's sister and their cousin, leaving family stranded in Mexico.

My wife's uncle was a great man. He divorced this guy's mom more than 10 years ago. This guy and his mom had actually cornered my wife at a funeral to tell her what a horrible person her uncle was. These people are way out in left field.

Her extended family is pretty messed up, her entire family is pretty messed up actually. Addiction and abuse are a standard for them.

She knows that when this guy came over he kept giving me looks and was looking down her shirt. He is an overall disrespectful person that I feel doesn't deserve to be a part of our life......ever. I think that he took advantage of her when they were extremely high on drugs and because of my wife's abusive past she blames herself.

My wife keeps talking about her past decisions........I think I am starting to see that I am disappointed with her current decisions.

Thanks.

That is how it is for you. But can you see that it might be different for someone else? Like, say, a teenage girl whose teenage-level judgment was severely impaired at the time?

How long were they married?

This is a useful insight. Focusing on the present is more productive than focusing on what happened in the past. Suppose she never had had sex with him. I gather that you would still think that he is a dirt bag--based on how he behaves now and in the recent past.

Do not minimize this, or the importance of the family connection. Although he is not blood-related, it sounds like to her it feels like he is. Attacks on family members can feel like attacks on self, so be aware that she herself might be feeling attacked when you attack him.

I can see how the view would be different for someone else. I can also respect that. I know that this is how her family views it and taught her to view it. But with a family member? Usually this is a one night stand situation at a party or something like that. She has a huge problem with not wanting to disappoint people. This is what was exploited by this cousin. But this is once again the past............

I am not sure how long they were married. I would say somewhere around 10 years.

Yes. He is not the type of person I would be around. I knew guys like him in high school and didn't choose to be around that then.

We really don't discuss this much. She always says that she doesn't feel like he is a good person. I really try not to get upset and think that I don't if we do discuss it. Maybe it is a struggle for me that she had sex with someone she views a family member but when we have discussed it she talks as if they never had a "cousin" relationship so the sex was not with a family member.