Awkward relationship with in-laws

I'm going to keep this as brief as possible. When my husband and I were dating, I got along with his family very well and his grandmother absolutely adored me. The minute we announced our engagement, something happened and all of the sudden, people had a problem with me. My husband and I had been dating for 5 years before we got married. His grandmother started to claim that I was demonic (which was kind compared to what she called the other people who dared to marry her grandchildren). His mother started becoming incredibly demanding and harsh toward me as a result. My husband went absolutely insane and there was a big fight between him and his family because they were driving him crazy with their constant criticisms that just didn't happen when we were only dating. My sister-in-law's husband basically told me that he thought he family just hated anyone who married into the family. Probably true, to be honest.

Well, years later, my husband and I had a falling out after he punched me badly enough to cause me injury. We separated and I started to relapse on my PTSD progress. My husband was embarrassed and frustrated by the situation because he let his anger get out of control and my condition for even CONSIDERING getting back together with him was that he go to therapy to address the way he handled conflict and anger. He agreed and saw a therapist twice a week to specifically address his anger. I was really struggling with my PTSD and at a point, attempted suicide. My husband's family, being the kind of people they are, used that as an opportunity to tell my husband that I was vile for "forcing" him to seek therapy (presumably if he wasn't with me, they believed he didn't have an anger problem despite the fact that he had a history of trouble handling conflict which his sister had the same problem doing - which they both got frim their mother). They also said I was unsuitable for life with him and that he had to divorce me. He was living with them at the time, so it was really hard for him to hear it. It put pressure on the both of us that we didn't need.

My husband moved back in with me and we started seeing a couple's counselor, which helped a lot. I started getting more aggressive with my PTSD treatment, but kept hitting the same walls when it came to exposure therapy because it is very difficult to do. He had no contact with his family for over a year mostly because his mother was angry that he reconciled with me and did not divorce me. This was a huge point of conflict for my husband's family and a hugely sore spot for my husband. Eventually, his mother decided that she didn't like being the only one raising hell and called a truce. I agreed to try with them only because it made me a little depressed to see how much the conflict hurt my husband. We do have regular contact with his family now, but I can't help but resent them for how awful they just are.

Now, my husband and I are expecting our first child and we're figuring out what we want to try to do about day care down the line. I am not going to quit my job and neither is he. We will both be taking some kind of maternity/paternity leave right after the baby is born, but then we have to figure out what to do from there. My mother in law said that she could watch the baby one day a week, which is nice and I think she would genuinely be on her best behavior. She hates her daughter's husband too, but manages to be good with her grandchildren.

But then, my mother in law suggested that we allow HER mother to watch the baby. It took everything in me to not say "HA HA HA.... NO." My husband's grandmother is an absolutely terrible person and I don't even want her to be around my children at all, let alone unsupervised. It's a difficult subject to broach because my mother in law doesn't want to see that at all. Anytime my husband or I has tried to explain why we don't go visit her and have no interest or desire to do so, she LOSES HER MIND. She just will not understand why we do not want our impressionable, delicate baby aound a vicious person. I know his grandmother is going to want to hold the baby if she ever sees it and will want to babysit. How on earth do I approach the subject without causing World War 3 OR putting myself or my child in a position to feel uncomfortable and unsafe?

IMHO, you are not obligated to let anyone take care of your child, especially if you have reservations. Stop talking to the family about it, get busy and find someone you absolutely trust with your precious baby. Make the arrangements you need to without the input (read: interference) from your H's family. If his mom goes crazy over it, oh well...it is your & your H's job to find the safest place for your child. This is your little family, you both need to protect it. And the less drama this child has to endure, the better. Again, IMHO

Sounds like you are in a very tough position! The family you married into sounds very dysfunctional, with a lot of anger issues. As a parent, it is your responsibility to ensure that your child is safe and secure at all times. Leaving your child with your in-laws sounds like it may be disasterous! You cannot change their reactions to your decision and just have to be firm about it. You don't owe them any explanation...it is your child and your life. Your mother in law may get angry, but that is her problem, not yours! Be strong and do what is right for YOU and YOUR family! You have support here!!!

Can you afford to utilize a day care facility? An au pair or nanny? Time to shop around. Also, can come down to convenience to your work locations. It's much to think of. Never mind, it's your husband's grandma not mom there was a time, I'd feel comfortable going to the store, where my gram is concerned, not all day at work...

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Want to add, needs to be done in a most diplomatic manner. Because if colds, fevers and flus start, you'll need additional alternatives to who watches ....

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If I were you I would have very minimal contact with that side of the family. You don't have to talk to them at all after the way they treated you. Just focus on having a wonderful marriage with your husband and bringing your baby into the world. Having in-laws babysit for only one day a week doesn't even sound worth it to me, you'll need someone to babysit more often than one day a week. Try to hire a very responsible babysitter or work out another arrangement. Those in-laws seem like the type to hold it against you if you ask them to look after your child...and again, one day a week just isn't enough anyway.

Well, the appeal is that it does reduce the cost of daycare by bit, which isn't nothing. We're already trying to alter schedules so that we can each work from home one day a week. I am not crazy about how they treated me either, to be really honest with you, but I didn't have grandparents or a close family growing up. It is something I would like to TRY to give my kids if they can be amenable. My main concern though is that his grandmother is a HUGE sore spot. There are just so many reasons why I don't want her anywhere near my kids.I don't want them learning racial slurs before pre-school and she is very anti-semitic. Our kids will be raised Jewish, so... That makes things kind of awkward for us...

It's just really hard to even suggest to my mother in law that her mother is a horrible person to watch children and that as little as I like how my mother in law treated me, I like how her mother treated me even less. I mean, how is she going to handle being around half-Jewish half-"demon" kids?! It's frustrating because she's completely in denial and I KNOW that bringing it up will mean my husband is cut off from his family. It sounds horrible but I am quietly hoping this woman dies (she is also quite sick) before it becomes an issue just so I can pretend to mourn (keep the peace) and then be quietly happy that I don't have to face any arguments about it with my mother in law. I'm afraid that she will turn out to be immortal, powered by the energy that racism brings her.

I would be concerned that your MIL would let your GIL watch your baby even if you explicitly told her that you did not want Grandma around the kid. Do you think Grandma would hurt the baby? The kid probably won't pick up on racial slurs until he or she is a bit older... that is a very tough spot! I hope you find an affordable daycare and can just turn down this offer!

JJBX,
I'm sorry that you've been put into such a tough spot. It's always a rough road ahead when the in-laws seem to have their way and you seem to have yours. I hope you are able to get to a spot where you and your husband have open communication about each others parents and the future care of your child. Continuing to see the counselor may be wise and even suggest counseling for the in-laws. Either way you have to do what's best for your child in the end. Good luck and hang in there.