[indygerry]

I am a 31 yr old woman, and pregnant with my first child. My Mom and Sister gained a lot of weight in their pregnancies and I sort of expected this to be the case for me. Prior to getting pregnant I was an average build, but now at 7 months pregnant I am close to 175lbs at 5"3. I'm not shoving twinkies into my face, but I will have a sweet here and there or dessert after dinner.

My husband's libido has dropped off substantially from the onset of my pregnancy. We used to have sex 1-2 times a week and now its maybe 1 time per month. I have communicated to him that my needs are not being met. His response is that he is not attracted to me when I am pregnant. He assures me that he still loves me but that he doesn't find my pregnant body to be attractive.

I have a history of eating disorders. Its a beast I conscientiously keep caged every day. Its so hard not to be hurt or offended by his reaction.

If I initiate oral sex he has no problem getting into it. A few days ago I pressed him hard and told him that I needed to feel loved by him. He initiated sex with me a few hours later, but it felt forced (expectantly) and it was awkward. It was like he just wanted to get it over with. So I can see that he is trying.

1) How do I deal with this? Its hard not to be hurt. To me, attraction and love go hand in hand. I love my husband and when he gains weight my attraction for him remains unphased. I can see his weight gain but cherish him just the same.

2) Pregnancy changes a woman's body, sometimes indefinitely. I have concerns that he is waiting for me to get back in shape to find me attractive. This is upsetting because it would suggest that his love is superficial, if he is always waiting for something there is a chance it will never come.

3) Can someone explain or help me understand the mentality that a husband/expectant father may be experiencing that would associate with not wanting to have sex?

4) Do sexless pregnancies turn into sexless marriages? Realistically speaking, the birth of a child doesn't bring new windows of opportunity for sex. As well, there is some recovery in the immediate weeks following birth.

5) My husband has told me that he has some aversions and hesitancies towards being present at the birth. He doesn't want to see the baby be born. We are having a home birth and he has said that if I give birth in certain rooms, that he will not be able to have sex with me in those rooms in the future because he will be turned off knowing I gave birth there. Is this common?

6) I am concerned that his aversion for me now will leave me resentful post-birth when my body has recovered.

7) Are my expectations too high? How do I deal with feeling rejected by him?

[Trippin2.0]

Well firstly, since this started as soon as your pregnancy was confirmed, it would seem that he's not un-attracted due to your weight gain, but probably has a mental block regarding sex with a pregnant woman.

This is a fairly common issue.


A simple honest discussion and maybe even a talk between your Dr and him should be able to help him along.


Secondly, he can be present at the birth without having to watch the baby exit. He can stay close to you and hold your hand...


The no sex in the birthing room, that confirms my suspicions about your hubby's behavior...


Seems that he is currently unable to think of his baby's mother as a sexual being, he might even worry that penetration is wrong, harmful or disrespectful to his unborn child.


Couples counseling is your marriage's best shot at this point, because if these beliefs of his get the opportunity to take root, you may never have sex again.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

I couldn't ever have sex with a pregnant woman! That would feel so, so wrong. I imagine that's what going on here, and I don't blame him. Mental block is well said, Trippin2.0. Hopefully things will get on track when time has passed and you've given birth.

My husband has told me that he has some aversions and hesitancies towards being present at the birth. He doesn't want to see the baby be born. We are having a home birth and he has said that if I give birth in certain rooms, that he will not be able to have sex with me in those rooms in the future because he will be turned off knowing I gave birth there. Is this common?

Totally understand this and I would be the same way. I don't think there's anything unusual about this what-so-ever. I imagine this is partly why, back in the old days, it was more customary for the man to wait outside while the woman gave birth. ('though I dunno about rooms in the house) Just guessing. Then again, it's not like he'd have to see everything that's going on, right? Maybe he's just blown the idea up in his head and it's terrifying him; it would me.

Just the views of a 28 year old man who's never been a father, let alone married. xD

I agree with Trippin. His view of you has changed, NOT because of your appearance, but because of your function....of which your baby bump is a constant reminder.

Right now, I don't think he will suddenly reverse this feeling. And perhaps he needs a therapist to try to understand where it's coming from.

Hopefully, when you're no longer an incubator to him, he'll see you in the same sexual way as pre-pregnancy.

I am sorry that this is happening to you, but please try not to let it affect your self-esteem (difficult, I know). Realize that he is not feeling this way deliberately.

Just a word of caution....you will be exhausted and possibly have some post-partum depression so it's VERY important that you understand this for what it is NOW. Because later, your hormones will have you thinking all sorts of things that are not true.

Is it possible to consider a birthing center rather than your home? I think it would help him and, in turn, help you.

[indygerry]

Thanks for your responses.

I am more than willing to consider that the reasoning is likely because he has issues with me being a baby maker at the moment.

The only thing that makes me assume that there is more to it is that at 4 months preggo when I started to put on a bit of weight he made a comment about my increase of cellulite turning him off. And then in the following conversations we've had he has said point blank that he doesn't find my pregnant body attractive. Which gives rise to all those other concerns I listed above.....

I completely understand why he might be turned off... 25 lbs of weight gain on a 5'3 frame is a big deal. But I kind of hoped that he would see the bigger picture that this is something that is happening because I am carrying his child and find some beauty in me for giving life to something he has created. (perhaps naive women's perspective) So I totally appreciate his honesty with me and his willingness to tell me more than once that he simply doesn't find me attractive at the moment. It at least allows me to know where he is at, as opposed to assuming and letting my mind consider other ideas.

For some reason I see 'my wife has a baby inside of her" and "my wife's body is a turn off" as two separate things... but I know that human sexuality is not so easily disentangled.

And thank you sophiesmom for making mention of not building this to be something that its not in the post partum phase. I have concerns about how all of this will feel post partum when my body is still in the unattractive zone and I'm now dealing with a human being that is relying heavily on me for their survival.

I want my wishes for the birth to be as important as my hubby's since I'm the one forcing a watermelon out of my lady parts so I think I am going to stick with the home birth (excepting a complication which would send me to the hospital). But I've decided that (in spite of the feminist inside me that "says that my biology is not repulsive and deal with it mister I'm birthing YOUR child that you COCREATED with me") I will do my best and respect his feelings/perspective give him the option of choosing for himself whether or not he wants to be present at the birth. I understand that this is something entirely new for him and that he is entitled to react the way that feels natural for him and have the feelings that he is having.

[indygerry]

Originally Posted by Zwangsstörung

I couldn't ever have sex with a pregnant woman! That would feel so, so wrong. xD

So super curious by this comment -- is it that you'd feel like you were having sex with a person who is like sacrosant or innocent or something?
Is it the typical i don't want to poke the baby in the head?
Is it that you'd feel like there was third party involved (ie) I can't have sex when my dog is in the room)

Wondering if you could disect this a little more, so that I could get inside the psyche of this concept.

As a woman it's hard for me to wrap my head around because I don't see myself as drastically sexually different than my pre-preggo self. I'm still a regular person with a sex drive.

[mommaxo]

maybe the baby bump is a turn off, because it's literally a HUGE reminder of how his life ( as well as yours) is about to drastically change. it could just stress him out? which would lower his sex drive. Some men have fetishes for pregnant women, others are disgusted. Which in my opinion is just as immature as a guy being grossed out by a woman having her period, or even bringing up the "P word" lol. Honestly If a guy didn't want me when I was pregnant, then I wouldn't want him to even touch me when I wasn't lol. But i also expect the same when I'm sick, not wearing makeup, and at my worst in general. If a guy wants the best of me well he better be ready to put up with the worst of me.

Anyways don't stay with the guy just because he's the father, or because you don't want to have a fatherless baby. If he makes you feel like crap about yourself, and on top of that doesn't want to be there when you are going through the TOUGHEST thing a woman can even physically go through (which by the way he had a part in creating) than ditch the guy. You should be with a man who wants all of you, even if your belly is sticking out, and you look like a beach whale lol.
I am also expecting by the way, and have had axienties about men not wanting me while I'm pregnant. But come on this guy is your husband, and father? correct me if I'm wrong here. I'm single so I kind have to put up with this factor, you have a husband, you shouldn't have to be putting up with it lol.

Your better off finding someone who loves you and wants you regardless
and is actually going to be there for you when the baby is born.
he can't honestly expect you to look like some god damn pregnant celebritity. tell him to snap back to reality, or your leaving him.
your man sounds like a joke. sorry to say. but let's be real here.

[IrisBloom]

Many men react the way your husband is doing. Birth, pregnancy and other "women things" are mysterious to a lot of men. Some are scared, some are curious and others don't think much about it. It is not at all unusual for him to be either turned off or scared to have sex with baby inside. He might be concerned about hurting your or the baby. It has little to do with attraction or love. He may be worried about all of the changes about to take place, and that is normal too. Maybe you could find a good book or article that can help you both understand what is going on. Have a safe delivery and happy baby (and husband )!

I think that it's important to mention that women don't think like men. In fact people don't think like other people....

Trying to understand is wonderful, but what you DO with this new informaion is very important...

Just a thought from someone who's been married forever...

[hamster-bamster]

indygerry, if you are going to have a homebirth - most likely assisted by midwives - you won't be restricted sexually postpartum. At least in my experience, and I do not know how it is in Canada, but in the US, I gave birth twice at the hospital and was told not to have intercourse for 6 weeks. I think it is a standard - and arbitrary - advice. When I had my third child at home, with midwives in attendance, I asked - it mattered because due to placenta previa I could not have sex for half of the pregnancy, even when the previa resolved and the placenta was just low-lying. They told me to just wait a couple of days. And I had sex - vaginal intercourse - probably on day 3 postpartum. And I lost quite a bit of blood during labor due to low lying placenta, but - again, since this is homebirth and not hospital birth - my then husband was told to cook steaks for me all the time to replenish the iron I lost with all that blood, and I was instantly active and up and about. In a hospital, they'd give you some horrendous mushy stuff that one cannot even call food. At home, a big steak at every meal (no, unless you lose as much blood as I did, you would not need a steak at every meal!).

So what I am saying is that the 6 week prohibition on sex is arbitrary - after a vaginal delivery (when I had the third one, she weighed 4 kilos, mind you, plus, I lost blood), unless you personally do not feel up to it, there is no problem with intercourse. Yeah, lochia for a while, but unless you personally do not like intercourse during menstruation, how are lochia different from menstrual blood? same blood. If you do not feel up to, or the H, then it is a different story, but in terms of medical issues, only the C-section warrants the prohibition.

When your baby is born, you probably will still have a lot of time for sex because babies sleep a lot and with the modern conveniences (a washing machine for cloth diapers or buying disposables - whatever you prefer; if you have a way to dry washed cloth diapers out in the sun on a clothesline, mmm, their smell is the most delectable fragrance) babycare is not particularly taxing. When the child starts crawling, then you will have no moment of peace, but not after the birth of the baby. What would be nice is making advance arrangements for food - deciding whether you'd cook ahead and freeze, or H would cook, or neighbors would help out - that is helpful.

If you nurse the baby lying on a FLAT / FIRM / FREE OF CUSHIONS surface (emphasis for safety reasons), then with any luck you might fall asleep, and the quality of such sleep is superb, or you would at least have superb relaxation (the hormone oxytocin makes all that stuff so nice). So it should not be viewed as a difficult time in advance. Of course, if you have a colicky baby, you would have a difficult time, but then you will cross that bridge when you get there. Assuming that you will necessarily have a difficult time may turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy via the mechanism of anxiety (your anxiety will be picked up by the baby just like that and the baby will be restless).

All the warm, sensual, cuddly things about having a baby - skin-to-skin contact, co-sleeping (again, but you know it very well, no cushions and the surface must be flat and even), wearing the baby - they are all pleasures, not work. Work will come later.

I do not think that the idea of a default presence of the father at birth is a good one. For millennia, women have been given birth in the presence of wise women helpers. The word midwife means with a woman, right? woman with a woman. If I ever have another baby, which is very very unlikely, but I do have my preferences for that occasion well defined, no father in the birthing room. There is no help coming from the father and I'd just be more self-conscious. Also, couples that have the father present at birth do split up - trust me, I know a lot of cases and have first hand experience. The idea that it is somehow bonding to the couple has proven wrong. It IS bonding for SOME couples, but history has proven that it is NOT bonding for every couple, at least in the long term.

So I would tell him to go for a walk and not even know in which room the baby was born and get done with the labor and birth, nurse the baby first things first, then when the baby falls asleep, have your birth attendants clean up and call the H only when the house looks as if nothing had ever happened - the baby was delivered by a stork.

I would discourage you from telling your H that your sexual needs are not being met. I would rather tell him that you want him, desire him, have passion for him - in those terms. It is a shame he feels what he feels, but given that you only have 2 months to go, I would pick my battles at this juncture - in practical terms, just initiate oral sex as you have been doing to keep it going, but not press further. IT IS A SHAME, of course, and you are very much worthy of commendation for being so open on the forum about the state of affairs, but - in 2 months life will be SO different, that I don't think it is worth a fight at present. Just 2 months to go till the finish line. And, the postpartum breasts are gorgeous, so - something to look forward to.

I am sorry if I run contrary to your feminist beliefs about the presence of the father at birth, but I intentionally do that, and invite you to place your beliefs and the history of having fathers present at birth in the vast context of world history. Clearly, humankind HAS been able to procreate without having fathers present at birth for the most part - right? Ancient Egyptians had a special birthing room in the house, but fathers were not present.

Also, in your case, if he is already voicing repulsion, why would you WANT him to be at birth? Do you want to be even more self-conscious than you already are?

Who are your midwives? If they are good women, I would run this problem by them and get their advice. They are out there in the trenches, and they have seen it all, in any kind of variation, countless times. Plus, they know you personally and might know the H already. See what they have to say about it (or she, if you have one midwife). Even if you do not necessarily plan to follow their advice, it is really best to disclose this problem, because such problems do affect the process of birth. For example, my midwife told me that sometimes, women are pregnant by a man other than their H, and it results in having an issue at birth, so she - the midwife - prefers to be in the know and anticipate things. I do not know about Canada, but am pretty sure that you have medical privacy laws, too - the midwives would keep anything you tell him completely confidential. that is their ethics and that is probably the law. So it is to them that I would turn for advice - plus, they would tell you if it would be OK for you to have intercourse soon after delivery. They are there for you - trust them. Forum advice is helpful, but the midwives are professionals and they know you, while on the forum there are lay people who do not know you. So it is probably best to collect the advice from the forum, collect the advice from the midwives - as complimentary to one another - and then proceed with caution and hope.

Have a safe labor and pleasant time bonding with your new baby!

[emmiejohnson]

I don't think that being pregnant makes you unattractive.If you want to look attractive feel good about yourself , love yourself definitely then others will find you attractive you then. Because what you think and feel shows on your face.