[kelly8896]

I’ve been in a relationship with this man for a few months. We met on a dating site, went for a causal dinner and really hit it off. He’s 8 years older than me. We both have been married more than once and we both have talked about what we want for the future. I feel we are at an age that there’s no reason to be playing games. We both agree that communication is the most important thing in a relationship and we do pretty well at that. However, I feel there’s a couple things I’m not getting out of the relationship. I tell myself they are minor, but they are important to me. I ask myself is it me being needy or him playing games or maybe it’s just who he is. I’ve tried to express my wants and he gave me that for maybe 2 days, then it was back to the same thing. So is he playing games? Is he just oblivious or do men just not care? How do I ask for what I want without it coming across like I’m nagging or needy.
It’s simple, I want to feel like I am thought of and desired. The simplest way to show me that is to send me a text in the morning to say hi and for him to initiate intimacy or touch when we are together.
(Keep in mind, we do not live together) The problem is, I’m the one that sends the morning text message 90% of the time and when we are together I usually initiate touch. I start work at 6am, he doesn’t start until 8am, so I typically will shoot him a text to say good morning. There have been many times that I purposely don’t text him to see if he will send me one. It’s usually 2 or 3 in the afternoon before he does. And then it’s a question, is everything ok I haven’t heard from you. I have to ask myself, is he just now thinking of me enough to send me a text? What the hell?
I have asked him what it is that he likes most from me to feel loved and desired. He told me he likes my touch, everywhere, and so I make sure to give him that. However, it would be nice for him to grab me close and kiss me or whisper in my ear that he wants me, maybe even walk by and just rub up against me. But that seldom happens unless I initiate it.
So – is it just a man thing? is he playing games? It just hurts sometimes. It seems simple to me, so why isn’t it simple for him.

[toolman65]

i don't know if he is playing games. He may simply not be a touchy feely as you. He may also not feel the need to text you all the time.

He may also have discovered that you are willing to make the effort 90% of the time, so why bother?

I know a married couple that text each other all the time, yet never do any hugging, kissing or other stuff in public. For them, it is totally fine. It all depends on the individual.

If this stuff is truly bothering you, you must have an honest conversation about it with him. You may be curious and annoyed right now, but i sense the potential for resentment.

love your avatar, btw

[Orvel]

Originally Posted by toolman65

i don't know if he is playing games. He may simply not be a touchy feely as you. He may also not feel the need to text you all the time.

He may also have discovered that you are willing to make the effort 90% of the time, so why bother?

I know a married couple that text each other all the time, yet never do any hugging, kissing or other stuff in public. For them, it is totally fine. It all depends on the individual.

If this stuff is truly bothering you, you must have an honest conversation about it with him. You may be curious and annoyed right now, but i sense the potential for resentment.

love your avatar, btw

I agree.

You can't put all guys in the same basket. Every guy is different.

[kim_johnson]

I don't know what you mean by 'playing games'...

I hear that you have told him what you want. Have you asked him what he wants?

Relationships... Involve something of a dance of intimacy. It isn't 'playing games' in a bad way...

Ask him why he doesn't text you sometimes in the mornings. Maybe he will say that you always text him before he gets the chance to think of it. Maybe he will say that he prefers to text in the afternoons rather than the mornings (as his behavior seems to suggest). Maybe he will say that he prefers to text... Every few days, or something, and that everyday is... Too much too fast.

Some people don't like public displays of affection. The kind of thing you are suggesting... To me, it reminds me of a cat pissing in the corner to mark it's territory. I wouldn't feel that the cat loved me if it did that. I'd feel that the cat was staking a claim for the benefit of strangers...

I'm just saying that he might not be into public displays of affection. You won't know what he wants / needs (to even decide if the compromise is worth it to you) if you don't ask him. In such a way that shows him that you care about what he actually thinks (rather than in an attempt to get him to act how you like)

[kelly8896]

I appreicate the feedback.

The thing is, he is touchy feely in public and we have a great intimate relationship. I just feel sometimes like it's all about him.

For example, He was off work yesterday, I sent him a good morning text like I do most days, I texted him again after lunch to see if he was even alive and he texts me saying sorry, that it was a lazy day for him. It just didn't make me feel very good to know he was just having a lazy day, so lazy that he couldn't even say hello. I don't need alot of text messages through out the day, but it would be nice to get one just so I know he's thinking of me.

So today, I haven't texted him and don't plan to until I hear from him first. Now I feel like I'm playing games. It would mean so much to me if just once in a while I was a first thought for him. Even if I'm busy at work, I make the effort and time to make sure to show him he's in my thoughts.

How do I ask him why it's such an effort for him to show me that I'm one of his first thoughts, just once in a while would be nice?

[~Christina]

How do you ask him why its such and effort ?

Hey ___ Is there a reason you never text me ?

or Start with this ....

Hey _____ I would really love to hear from you in texts messages, It always makes me smile.

[NWgirl2013]

I don't think he is playing games. He is just different than you in this. It is possible that he doesn't really get why it is such a big deal to you.

This may be something you have to adjust to; because making it a "have to" on his 'to-do' list isn't really gonna achieve what you hoped for, that he is thinking of you and texting you to prove it.

If you must, explain to him again that this small thing means more to you perhaps than it does to him, but it would make your day to get a little cheerful hello. All you can do is ask, communication is key here.

All the best to you.

[Me and my dog]

It's not a male thing. I deal with the exact same issue with my wife. I do have security issues that I'm not proud of at all. I will text her mid morning... (she's a home transcriptionist and has no set time to get up) telling her, "good morning beautiful" and sometimes not hear back for 2 hours. Go to her Facebook or Pintrest account and see she's probably been up since I walked out the door. She's talking to her friends and liking everything social media has to offer. I hate social media! Maybe there are those of us who desire/need to know that our other feels the way we do 100% of the time. Maybe I'm just not on the right meds. Maybe the ride is about to come to a complete and final stop. Frustrating...

[CosmicRose]

You text him every morning around 6 am? I honestly think that might be a little much but that's just my personal opinion. I'm 22 and I don't even text my friends or boyfriends that often (when I am in a relationship).
I'm not sure how old you two are, but if he's older than 30, texting every single day just might not be his cup of tea.
I can easily go 2 or 3 days without texting someone even if I'm in a relationship with them...so he just might not think it's a big deal.
If you bring this up to him there is a chance it might push him away because it does sound a little clingy. You've been dating a few months, but are you in a serious relationship or is it just casual dating?
Anyway...yeah I think texting every day is excessive, so if I were you I'd really pull back on that, especially since you both work every day and sound like you have busy lives.
You can always call him after work and just talk about your day instead. But I dunno about every day.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by CosmicRose

You text him every morning around 6 am? I honestly think that might be a little much but that's just my personal opinion. I'm 22 and I don't even text my friends or boyfriends that often (when I am in a relationship).
I'm not sure how old you two are, but if he's older than 30, texting every single day just might not be his cup of tea.
I can easily go 2 or 3 days without texting someone even if I'm in a relationship with them...so he just might not think it's a big deal.
If you bring this up to him there is a chance it might push him away because it does sound a little clingy. You've been dating a few months, but are you in a serious relationship or is it just casual dating?
Anyway...yeah I think texting every day is excessive, so if I were you I'd really pull back on that, especially since you both work every day and sound like you have busy lives.
You can always call him after work and just talk about your day instead. But I dunno about every day.

I think when people are serious about each other they do talk every day whenever possible. I am yet to meet a guy who was serious and went 2 -3 days with no contact. Of course if it is casual thing then it's different but I don't think it is

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[kim_johnson]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I think when people are serious about each other they do talk every day whenever possible. I am yet to meet a guy who was serious and went 2 -3 days with no contact. Of course if it is casual thing then it's different but I don't think it is

well... that really does depend. my neck of the woods it isn't at all uncommon for people to work in different countries - or different hemispheres, even. sounds ideal to me. perpeptual honeymoons when you are together and ability to live your life as you see fit when you are apart...

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by kim_johnson

well... that really does depend. my neck of the woods it isn't at all uncommon for people to work in different countries - or different hemispheres, even. sounds ideal to me. perpeptual honeymoons when you are together and ability to live your life as you see fit when you are apart...

When people live in different countries it of course creates challenges with communication. In my neck of the woods as much as in yours. Lol I lived in different hemispheres.

when people are seriously involved,they communicate or even if they are not a couple if they are a family etc by communication I don't mean hours on the phone, it is not doable....but most people I know do communicate. This is not like old times now people have texts email phones face time Skype etc etc.

My daughter and my son in law live across the ocean. With few exception here and there we have some type of communication daily. In fact she just sent Me a text that she and her husband just arrived from visiting her dad (lives yet in
Another country). My brother had to live away from his wife for awhile(again different hemisphere) no way he didn't communicate. My bf had to go travel for business a lot, for prolonged periods of time. I travel a lot etc no way we stop communicating.

Now I am talking about people who deeply care for each of course. When it is some other arrangement then it is a different story. Also my examples apply to grown ups lol teenagers would certainly do things differently lol

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[Trippin2.0]

I'm 30 and don't text anyone daily.


Not my bf, my brother, my sister, my cousin or my bff. And those are my closest long term adult relationships.


It's not uncommon to go 2-3 days no contact. I don't equate regularity of communication with the quality of the relationship and neither do they.


I think when people truly believe that, then it can open doors to unnecessary feelings of hurt for some.

[divine1966]

I don't think it is about "believing" it is whatever people mutually agree upon, what they want and what they feel comfortable with etc in a relationship marriage family etc

i haven't met a man who would seriously loved me and didn't want to talk to me daily, or at least check on me, he'd think something happened to me commuting two .hours a day and often in bad weather etc etc

I talk to my brother every few days it is mutually agreed upon, my mom has cancer so now it is daily normally every other day, my daughter and I talk pretty much daily, etcetera
This is mutually agreed upon. Whatever people want to do

This couple clearly doesn't feel the same about communication. She wants more. It is unfair to say "oh I don't talk to people so it should be fine for everyone else. " clearly it is not fine for her so whatever works for someone is irrelevant.

In a long run that is one of the reason people move in together and marry so they can be in each other life daily. Otherwise everyone would just go out and talk once a week. At some point It stops being enough


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[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I think when people are serious about each other they do talk every day whenever possible. Of course if it is casual thing then it's different

This ^ is what I was responding to, just to clarify. Your statement is clear. If you're serious about someone you will contact them daily, if you're not that into them, contact will be less frequent....


But then you go on to add this....

Originally Posted by divine1966

I don't think it is about "believing" it is whatever people mutually agree upon, what they want and what they feel comfortable with etc...

This is mutually agreed upon. Whatever people want to do...

This couple clearly doesn't feel the same about communication.


She wants more. It is unfair to say "oh I don't talk to people so it should be fine for everyone else. " clearly it is not fine for her so whatever works for someone is irrelevant.

Actually, its not irrelevant, because its working for her bf, or has evidently worked for him up until now. I never said nor implied that just because I don't communicate daily, that it should be fine for everyone else.


The point of me even responding was to show the OP that there are others like her bf, who don't feel the need for daily communication, yet still care deeply for our loved ones. Others like the 22y.o poster before me, others like my bf, friends and family. It's not as uncommon as people online seem to think it is.


Just because we now have access to instant communication doesn't mean we all suddenly feel the need to constantly communicate. It's optional.


You're definitely right, its about what's agreed upon, and OP clearly didn't agree. So its up to OP and her bf to find a compromise that works for both of them.


I'm just throwing in my 00.02 so OP doesn't write him off based on a misjudgment (game playing) due to his lack of communication.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

This ^ is what I was responding to, just to clarify. Your statement is clear. If you're serious about someone you will contact them daily, if you're not that into them, contact will be less frequent....


But then you go on to add this....





Actually, its not irrelevant, because its working for her bf, or has evidently worked for him up until now. I never said nor implied that just because I don't communicate daily, that it should be fine for everyone else.


The point of me even responding was to show the OP that there are others like her bf, who don't feel the need for daily communication, yet still care deeply for our loved ones. Others like the 22y.o poster before me, others like my bf, friends and family. It's not as uncommon as people online seem to think it is.


Just because we now have access to instant communication doesn't mean we all suddenly feel the need to constantly communicate. It's optional.


You're definitely right, its about what's agreed upon, and OP clearly didn't agree. So its up to OP and her bf to find a compromise that works for both of them.


I'm just throwing in my 00.02 so OP doesn't write him off based on a misjudgment (game playing) due to his lack of communication.

I agree with you in general. You make sense

I just don't want people to dismiss her feelings because others don't want daily communications either. Her feelings are valid. And based on my life experience most people do communicate daily to their significant others (I am older than you and op so perhaps I judge by my age category but Don't laugh I just texted my 27-year-old married daughter and asked if she and her husband communicated daily when dating, she said "of course! From the day we've met!" I had to tell her why I am asking lol lol So maybe not just age

Op doesn't have to dismiss him but ignoring it will result in eventual resentment . I hope she discusses it with him before it starts truly bothering her

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[kelly8896]

Thanks for all the comments.
By the way, I am 46 and he is 54. We both have been married and divorced twice. We know what we want in a relationship. I believe daily communication is essential in a building a long lasting relationship. However I felt like I wasn't getting the same amount of effort I put forth in return. I did speak with him last night and asked him if he liked hearing from me to start off his day. He said he loved it. So I told him what I needed to feel most loved by him and that is to know I'm one of his first thoughts in the mornings. A great way to show me that is to send me a quick text also. It would truly make my day.

Thanks again for the input. I guess I needed some encouragement to ask the question openly and honestly to him.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by kelly8896

Thanks for all the comments.
By the way, I am 46 and he is 54. We both have been married and divorced twice. We know what we want in a relationship. I believe daily communication is essential in a building a long lasting relationship. However I felt like I wasn't getting the same amount of effort I put forth in return. I did speak with him last night and asked him if he liked hearing from me to start off his day. He said he loved it. So I told him what I needed to feel most loved by him and that is to know I'm one of his first thoughts in the mornings. A great way to show me that is to send me a quick text also. It would truly make my day.

Thanks again for the input. I guess I needed some encouragement to ask the question openly and honestly to him.

Great!!!!!

I like to believe that he will make a bit more effort now since he knows what you want! Good job communicating your needs.

It seems that he does wAnt to communicate daily ( and I totally agree it is essential ) he just doesn't make the sabe effort. But I thought it meant a lot he would contact you later in the day asking if you are ok. He wouldn't if he didn't care!

And my bad about age mistake. We are in the same category so that's maybe I related to your post! Hugs and best wishes !!!'

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[shortandcute]

I don't think he is playing games with you. Personally, if I was seeing someone who "demanded" that I text him at certain times or on a regular basis, I would drop him in a heart beat and run for the hills! I've been with guys who needed that constant reassurance from me and it drove me crazy. Because for one thing, it makes a person seem needy and clingy. Plus, I would only be doing it because they asked me to. I mean, some couples just do it naturally. But not everyone is like that. I say, let it be. If that is all that's bothering you, I would be grateful because you have it pretty good compared to a lot of people. I mean, there are a lot of men who do text their partners everyday--and it turns out that they're just "checking" on them and are abusers.