[Jules13]

Hi !

I don't find comfort in thinking over and over again... So, I thought about talking over here with you.
I met this guy at work 3 years ago. He was working in another city but he has to travel often for his job. I had a big crush on him right away and couldn't speak to him for about 2 years BUT finally, I sent him an email.
I was in a LDR with him during one year, had some "break" where he has to think about his expectactions, he figured out that he wanted to build some thing with me. Until last October when he broke up with me because the distance was really tough for both of us. I was really sad.
A month later, he texted me to tell me that he is moving in my cit and that he wants to be with me. So, we went back together in the end of November.

December was awesome. He was lovely and confident. He asked me to help him to find furnitures and the apartment because it will be ours sooner. Although, we started to fight and argue a lot lately. I did not realized how much he will have to travel for his job. I was more irritable when he made some activities without me because I was thinking about the fact that I will be alone often in the future.
I have a lot of temper and I am getting angry easily. That's my big problem. I often "broke up" with him...but it was to get a reaction (I know, this is really really bad and I regret it so much!). Also, he has a personality disorder (but I don't know which one... I know he saw a doctor 9 years ago but did not tell me which disorder it was) and he has mood swings (not that often. I don't think he's bipolar or something like that).
For example, his birthday was at the beginning of February. He missed 3 days of work doing nothing, without showering himself or changing his clothes. Usually, he takes a shower every morning and even in the evening sometimes. He was unable to do some things.

Well, I concentrated my efforts on remaining calm and understanding with his job and his interests. During a week, we were really happy together. We had fun, cuddles, hang out, sleep in each other arms, book a weekend in two weeks, saying "I love you" (him mostly) etc...
A sudden change arrived in the middle of the week and he has to leave for work (in his old city) on Wednesday. Everything was fine and I did great to handle my feelings. I was really proud of me.
During 2 days, he initiated the texts (good morning, enjoy your meal, have fun tonight). Also, I asked him to come at my place on Friday night. He asked if he could stay over for the night. I said "yes" and we were both correct.

On Friday, I wrote to him to spend a good day and that I will see him tonight.
He wished me a good day too. Around 3, he sent me a text saying that he was on his way. I answered on 5 (after work) to say that my day was done. He said "That's good" and I knew that something was wrong. He said everything was wrong, that he misses his friends and his city, that he want to do what he wants when he wants it without hurting someone, that the last month was terrible, that he did not like the adjustments he made, etc...
He also told me that he has not the same aspirations in life like having kids (well, it changes often) and for real, he gave me this example : "I want to go in Florida when I'll be retired... but you don't like the sun." Yes. I'm 23. He's 32. Being retired is not even in my mind but he already know I want to go in Florida in winter. Finally, he said that it was not me, it was him. Ahhhh, classic.

Until Friday, he called me (I couldn't respond). He texted me on Saturday morning to say that he called last night. I said "Ok" and he answered "Ok" back. On Sunday night, he wrote me "Why did not you answer?" I said I was busy. He said "Ok" and 30 minutes later "Sorry for bothering you".
I called him on Monday finally to ask for my things. He asked me if I had something to say and I said no. Really ? He said. I told him that he already knows that I don't want to lose him and I did not want to end it as I said on the phone Friday night.
He said : Like... you did not even try to keep me. You did nothing. I always tried to keep you when you wanted to leave.
I said that if he did not try to hung up the phone fast, he heard me saying I did not want to lose him. Also, I told him I did nothing wrong to beg for him to stay. That he gave me bad excuses. That I know I gave him hard times lately this month but I'm working on myself. I told him why I was leaving him in the past (to get a reaction). He did not notice.
I thought he was regretting his rash decision... but until Monday night, he ignores me.
I called him twice, sent him an email (with his own email where he told me he wants to build something and bla bla bla) and a single text. Still nothing.
I'm so confused. I don't want to lose him. I knew about his mood swings but I don't want to see him as a disorder but as a human being. I think he needs a counselor. I do have a counselor and it helps me a lot. I love him a lot.

Is someone is dealing with that kind of behavior ? I don't think it is really consistent. Does he ?
What should I do ? He almost asked me to beg him to stay. What the ... he wants ?

[Jules13]

By the way, when he is unable to do things, he is really miserable. Like an existence crisis. He happened 2-3 times (well, when I was physically with him) since I am with him.

[avlady]

He does seem like he has some pshycological problems. or personality problems. maybe they are getting to him right now. i know it is hard to live with and deal with people as i'm one of them, but i think you should ask him to see someone to talk to. did he have a wife or divorced in the first city? does he have kids? maybe there are other things you don't know about him too. I would give him some space if i were you. it sounds like you both liked each other very much, maybe it was too much too soon. give it time.

[Jules13]

Yes. I think we both love each other a lot.
I already told him about talking to someone but he said he has no problem.

He did not have a wife, neither kids in his city. I know it is hard for him... I am trying to be there as much as I can. Although, he had some bad relationships with exes (they cheated on him and were really abusive). I always knew that he was more sensitive than he said and also, he had a wounded child somewhere... But it looks like he doesn't want to take care of his health and himself. He ignores that behavior like if it was normal.

People keep telling me to move on and don't endure this... But I love him. With or without this disorder...

It's possible to love someone and completely get on each other's nerves...

Can you get counseling together?

[Jules13]

I asked him to get counseling together but he said that it was not necessary for the moment...

And yes, he gets on my nerves when he doesn't know what he wants.
One day it's "yes" and the day after, it's "no".

Originally Posted by Jules13

I asked him to get counseling together but he said that it was not necessary for the moment...

And yes, he gets on my nerves when he doesn't know what he wants.
One day it's "yes" and the day after, it's "no".

Then your options are rather limited, aren't they?

[Jules13]

He already broke up with me Friday night. Since Monday, he keeps ignoring me.
My choices are limited...but when he came back in November, he was ready to get counseling...
But he did not because I did not remind him. Now, it hurts so much. I feel so worthless...

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Jules13

He already broke up with me Friday night. Since Monday, he keeps ignoring me.
My choices are limited...but when he came back in November, he was ready to get counseling...
But he did not because I did not remind him. Now, it hurts so much. I feel so worthless...

Just take a big step back, maybe he will get in touch when he wants to.. Not really fair to you but you cant force someone to communicate.

Your relationship was on and off alot and the LDR issues, You admit you played emotional games for attention, So really? has this relationship been very healthy for any extended amount of time?

You mention he has some kinda of disorder, but he doesn't want to seek help and you can't force anyone. It wasn't your job to remind him to get help. Your a gf not his mother.

Break ups hurt, Your not worthless, Don't beat yourself up, Stay busy, hang out with friends... Allow some time to pass so you can look at the entire relationship you had with him..

Maybe he just needs time to do the same thinking.

[Jules13]

Thank yo Christina.
You are right about everything. I'm not his mother and yes, I played game sometimes.
It was not conscious but still... It came with my anger, I think (because I did it every time I was interrumpted and when he did not listen to me. So I was pissed off..) not proud of me at all.

Don't put the blame entirely on yourself.

If it's meant to be, then it will happen.

I strongly urge you to stay strong and, if he gets in touch with you (which I have the feeling he will), tell him that you both need to attend counseling first.

If he loves you, then he will.

You will heal from this, I promise you.

[Jules13]

Thanks Sophiesmom.
Your words touched me. I think I should think about all this... What I can handle or not and I truly want in my relationship. I know we are both different but just by ignoring me, I don't feel respected. He gave me the cold-shoulder often. I already told him I felt worthless and thought it was abusive but he did it again.

It is really hard. I love him but something is missing. He can't face his problems, neither ours. He is not sensitive. He's selfish. I don't know how it can be wonderful a day and so dark the day after.

Sophiesmom, I'm staying strong for now. The hardest part will be facing him and stand my ground. I know I will.

[Jules13]

I'm so angry. He doesn't even talk to me. He ignores me since last monday.
I thought that he regret it when i talked to him on monday (when he said he wanted me to hold or "beg" him to stay) but now...he doesn't care about me anymore.

[Jules13]

This is really over.
He came back and called me. He said he was happy to hear my voice. That he did not want to hung up the phone but right after that day, he was inconsiderate with me.
I told him I was sad and hurt and he just said "Ok". He just can't take his responsabilities. I should stop him from leaving when HE broke up. I should call him if I want to talk so bad.
I'm just an option. He always says that he putted his ex-girlfriends in priority and he realized that it was a bad idea because they were bad with him. But now that his girlfriend take care of him, do her possible to please him... He puts me behind everything. Everything has to turn around him...

I'm so frustrated and sad. I want to leave everything... My job, my city and my country. I just want to stay in bed and do nothing.