[searchinginthesouth]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. We met while I was living in a different city and slowly decided to pursue a relationship. About 7 months after we met (and a few months after we were officially exclusive and calling one another boy/girlfriend) I moved to the city where he lives and works. The relationship, while sometimes slow to progress, has been a good one. Especially in the last year we have grown very close. We spend nearly every day together and are deeply involved in one another’s daily lives.

We are both Christians and virgins. We have progressed in our physical relationship but we have not had sex and had no intentions to until married. We attend church together regularly, we have dinner together most nights and we talk about our future together.

I love this man. He loves me. Our families and friends are supportive and happy for us – they just want to know why we haven’t gotten engaged yet! We’re both in our 30’s and deeply in love – so what’s with the wait?

This morning he called me and asked if he could come over to talk to me about something. While today is my day off – he should have been at the office. He came over and told me that while we were both virgins when we met he was no longer. He admitted that about a year ago he paid for sex. He has done this another 10 times in the time since. He told me that he was going to propose to me last week but this was eating him up inside. The last time he had sex with someone was three months ago. He really wanted to forget about the past and move forward/commit to me but knew he could not. He met with our pastor last week who also encouraged him to tell me.

I’m in shock. It’s been about three hours since he told me. He just left after a long three hours of crying, talking, asking questions, me yelling, etc. He says that while he does love me and wants to spend his life with me he also understands how much of a break in love/trust this is. I told him that I didn’t know what to do. I’ve never felt so betrayed, so hurt, so shocked before in my life. I love this man but I just don’t know what to do. I told him that regardless of what happens with our relationship he needs counseling (I do to) to work through this ability to lie to himself and everyone around him for so long.

Any advice would be appreciated. I’m still in shock and not sure how to process all of this and what my/his/our future holds. How can I trust him? Is it possible that he will keep his word? Is there hope for a healthy/happy/trusting relationship? Or is the writing on the wall - is it best for me to leave?

[sideblinded]

searchinginthesouth, Hello and welcome to PC. I am sorry to hear about your situation with your boyfriend. I agree that counseling would be a really good thing. I also think that some time should elapse before you make any type of commitment with him. While I cannot really tell what to do, I can say that committing to someone who has been keeping such things in secret would be a bad idea for now. I can only imagine that you are still very much in shock. Take some time to get that counseling and wait before you make any big decisions. The community liaisons and moderators are here for you should have any questions about how to navigate this site. Best wishes here at PC.

[hvert]

I can't imagine a shock like that. I am glad he finally told you.

In addition to any couples counseling you do, I would suggest finding a counselor who does not know the two of you at all to provide counseling services to you alone. I worry that couples counseling services provided by a church where people know you two as a couple and have an expectation that you will marry will pressure you into committing when you might be better off going your separate ways. I don't think I am phrasing that exactly the way I mean it.

Like the poster above suggested, I think time is going to be a big part of this. That is a big betrayal.

[toolman65]

You had an agreement that you were exclusive and you were both going to wait until after getting married to to have sex.

He violated this agreement, then violated it 10 more times afterwards. With a prostitute(s).

He has gutted any trust that was in your relationship. Only you can decide if you want to try rebuilding.

Sadly, the best advice i can give you is to get yourself checked for STDs. Even though you didn't have sex, you were still exposed to who knows what. Also, get some counselling, by yourself, for yourself.

Originally Posted by toolman65

You had an agreement that you were exclusive and you were both going to wait until after getting married to to have sex.

He violated this agreement, then violated it 10 more times afterwards. With a prostitute(s).

He has gutted any trust that was in your relationship. Only you can decide if you want to try rebuilding.

Sadly, the best advice i can give you is to get yourself checked for STDs. Even though you didn't have sex, you were still exposed to who knows what. Also, get some counselling, by yourself, for yourself.

I agree with this. I wanted to be more optimistic and lean more with the previous posters, but I do believe that there is a deeper issue here which he must resolve on his own. And I think that means without you, for now. Maybe that's not forever. But I think that if you are to have any future together, that you two need to take some time apart and separately seek counseling. Couples counseling is all well and good, but I think that his need to frequent prostitutes more than a dozen times while apparently committing to a life of purity before marriage is something he needs to discuss with a counselor on his own, and maybe with a group of strong, Godly men.

I was once a fundamentalist Christian committed to waiting until marriage--that is not my life any longer. But I understand how important it is to you to have this life for yourself. So don't allow him to try to sweep anything under the rug, and don't try to rush back into anything. This is a big deal and needs intervention from your church, your pastor, and a group of people you trust to come along side of you and support both of you. I would hate for him to slip back into this while you are married, and for you to not only end up betrayed but end up catching something that he's brought home with him--it can be very dangerous for you. If you do end up marrying this man, he should be tested for HIV and STD's. It's very important for both of you, and even for your future children, to be sure that he is healthy.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you; I can't imagine. Please take care of yourself. I wish you the best. Please keep us posted.

[jaciRock]

If he went to one prostitute and then was pressuring you for sex because he liked it--that I could understand and maybe forgive. But 10? And then he confesses to his pastor like that's supposed to make it okay with you--he went to church first--golly gee, forgive him then. (sarcasm)

I'm sorry you changed so much of your life for someone that didn't work out. At least you found this out before you married the mistake.

[healingme4me]

You may learn, to trust again, but won't be blindly. I agree about finding counseling outside of the church, at this point.

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[lizardlady]

I'm going to repeat what others have said.

Go for some counseling away from the church. I agree with the person who said church based counseling might push you to forgive him and get married. Give yourself plenty of time to work through your feelings about what he did before you make any major decisions. Both individual and couples counseling would be a good idea.

I would insist he have himself tested for all STDs including HIV.Having your self tested might not be a bad idea either. Who knows what he exposed you to.

[kipper-bang]

I am going to play 'devils advocate' here and look at this another way. Firstly did he tell you why he needed to visit a prostitute and why 10 times? I would get to the bottom of that first. While working as a Marriage Counsellor in the 80's and 90's I came across this and similar situations many times. Its more common than people admit to, so please don't blame yourself for any of this. I am also aware that Christian church councillors will try and push the two of you into a quick marriage in order to 'cure' this issue. Please don't do that.

Like others have suggested, you need time away from him and counselling on your own away from the church. What he did was a betrayal of your trust but there must have been a reason for this? Did he visit these ladies for full s*x, or comfort? Was he afraid that he could not perform on your wedding night and wanted to be versed in lovemaking before you married? Did your no s*x before marriage pledge include no kissing and touching etc?

These are all issues you need to discuss with him and with a counsellor on your own before you even consider carrying on this relationship. Knowing why someone did something can go a long way to healing yourself and possibly the rift between you.

I am truly sorry this happened to you as you sound like a lovely person. Concentrate on yourself and demand the answers you need from him. That way your mind will be clear to make an informed choice about your future. Good luck.

[searchinginthesouth]

Thank you for the responses. I appreciate the heartfelt concern.

I met with one of the pastors this morning. I just needed someone to cry with a bit. I think too, I needed to say everything out loud to assure myself that this is really happening.

I agree that I need "real" counseling. While I appreciate my church staff - I'd rather commit to some longer term professional care on this one. I made an appointment for next week.

He called me this evening and I answered. We talked and cried for another hour or so and we were able to flesh out a few more things. I was able to ask more questions. This is not about him having sex as much as it is about him totally lying to me and deceiving me (and himself) about the state of his emotional/psychological health.

This is absolutely a deeper issue for him - as many of you mentioned. And this is something that we each need to deal with as independent people. I know that I need to process this with myself (and my counselor and trusted friends) before I even BEGIN to think about the future.

He has been tested and declared clean. I have a doctor's appnt on Monday and hope to say the same for myself.

I hate this. I hurt. I never could have imagined this would happen to someone I know let alone me. He's put me in hell. But I will survive.

Thank you. This forum has been a sort of lifeline for me. I appreciate your words.