[Yismymindblank12]

You don't...

[Steiner of Thule]

Lol. Sounds about right.

[Yismymindblank12]

Don't look at advice. Just don't.

[Shadix]

Good question. These days it seems that even talking to a girl you think is cute without having a valid reason gets you put on the player/weirdo/pervert watch list. And god forbid the girl happens to be more than a few years younger than you!

[Werewoman]

I am almost 53 and have been married to the same guy for 23 years next week. I can't imagine having to deal with what young people these days have to.

All I can say is, be yourself, because if you try to pretend to be someone else or God forbid 'normal' (like anyone even knows what that means now or ever) it won't end well for you. Let them (those you think you might be interested in dating) in on your issues - I didn't, though he picked up on it anyway - because as cliche as it sounds, honesty really is the best policy. Otherwise, no matter how much the person you're interested in likes you, there is still a lot of stigma attached to those of us with MI, and you'd just be wasting your time with someone who can't accept you as you are.

That's all I can say, except good luck. I am fortunate in that I found someone who accepts me as I am with all of my issues. Not that it's easy, it's a lot of hard work to stay together at times, but well worth the effort.

[Steiner of Thule]

I just tend to assume that every girl already has a boyfriend. Really has been the case in my life.

[ptangptang]

I really do think that some men just don't appear on women's radar as a potential partner and are destined to be alone, unloved and unwanted; whie others, less deserving, have their choice of women. Doesn't matter how nice you are, if they don't see you might as well not be there.

[Yismymindblank12]

I'm actually by others told I'm very attractive, and I work out all the time. I do have confidence. I just don't like the people I talk to. My priorities are too high for petty stuff and many girls I've dated are through friends and online all were psycho.

I am finding a lot harder type of gf to have, someone I actually like and trust. A true genuine friend not some girl who calls me her bf and all we do is go on one date and just hook up every time. I only had sex with 4 people so I'm certainly nothing to brag about, rather girls and guys who brag about that stuff turn me off listening to them very fast.

I like my girls very self respectable and sense of humor. My deal breakers on looks are very low and lenient, but personality I'm very strict, because of past relationships.

I'm patient, but now I don't care either way anymore. I feel like I get less close to people regardless if I date them or not.

[Shadix]

Originally Posted by Werewoman

I am almost 53 and have been married to the same guy for 23 years next week. I can't imagine having to deal with what young people these days have to.

All I can say is, be yourself, because if you try to pretend to be someone else or God forbid 'normal' (like anyone even knows what that means now or ever) it won't end well for you. Let them (those you think you might be interested in dating) in on your issues - I didn't, though he picked up on it anyway - because as cliche as it sounds, honesty really is the best policy. Otherwise, no matter how much the person you're interested in likes you, there is still a lot of stigma attached to those of us with MI, and you'd just be wasting your time with someone who can't accept you as you are.

That's all I can say, except good luck. I am fortunate in that I found someone who accepts me as I am with all of my issues. Not that it's easy, it's a lot of hard work to stay together at times, but well worth the effort.

The problem with this is that no girl is attracted to a guy who displays weakness or incompetence. Girls are wired through evolution to desire guys who are socially graceful and excel at what they do. The root of my problem is not social anxiety, it is the fact that I just suck at life. I am naturally incopetent and whenever I try to do anything, it shows. I don't know what my problem is because all the idiot therapists I have been to just say its social anxiety. But because of this, I cannot connect with anyone socially. All my interactions with people are inhibited and fake because if I acted on my true impulses, I would be exposed. I have no interest in having any sort of interactions with people if they see me as a loser and pity me. I would literally rather live my whole life alone. Basically I am forced to choose between being fake and being pathetic. I choose fake. So basically what happens is that when I meet a new group of people I try very hard to keep up this facade making myself look normal and desirable, but eventually I slip up and they see that I am a loser. At that point, I give up on them and move on.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by ptangptang

I really do think that some men just don't appear on women's radar as a potential partner and are destined to be alone, unloved and unwanted; whie others, less deserving, have their choice of women. Doesn't matter how nice you are, if they don't see you might as well not be there.

I hear you! Hugs go your way

That is true about women too.

A good friend of mine and her friend both haven't had a boyfriend or relationship or even casual fling for at least 10 years. Both in late 30s.

One says it is because she is very tall ( don't know if that's the case, she is also very heavy again don't know if that the reason), the other is neither tall nor heavy ( so that's can't be an excuse) yet again noting. They both nice people. They pretty much give up.

I might not have a problem finding s date or even a relationship but it doesn't mean they are any good or committed. I'd like to be married but it isn't happening. It is hard to explain to anyone why I am single.

So it is not just men.

Hugs to you and it sucks I know

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[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Shadix

The problem with this is that no girl is attracted to a guy who displays weakness or incompetence. Girls are wired through evolution to desire guys who are socially graceful and excel at what they do. The root of my problem is not social anxiety, it is the fact that I just suck at life. I am naturally incopetent and whenever I try to do anything, it shows. I don't know what my problem is because all the idiot therapists I have been to just say its social anxiety. But because of this, I cannot connect with anyone socially. All my interactions with people are inhibited and fake because if I acted on my true impulses, I would be exposed. I have no interest in having any sort of interactions with people if they see me as a loser and pity me. I would literally rather live my whole life alone. Basically I am forced to choose between being fake and being pathetic. I choose fake. So basically what happens is that when I meet a new group of people I try very hard to keep up this facade making myself look normal and desirable, but eventually I slip up and they see that I am a loser. At that point, I give up on them and move on.

I wonder if a girl with some social anxiety would be interested in you? Somebody who goes through the same struggles? She would appreciate it

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[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by Shadix

The problem with this is that no girl is attracted to a guy who displays weakness or incompetence. Girls are wired through evolution to desire guys who are socially graceful and excel at what they do. The root of my problem is not social anxiety, it is the fact that I just suck at life. I am naturally incopetent and whenever I try to do anything, it shows. I don't know what my problem is because all the idiot therapists I have been to just say its social anxiety. But because of this, I cannot connect with anyone socially. All my interactions with people are inhibited and fake because if I acted on my true impulses, I would be exposed. I have no interest in having any sort of interactions with people if they see me as a loser and pity me. I would literally rather live my whole life alone. Basically I am forced to choose between being fake and being pathetic. I choose fake. So basically what happens is that when I meet a new group of people I try very hard to keep up this facade making myself look normal and desirable, but eventually I slip up and they see that I am a loser. At that point, I give up on them and move on.

Well, I guess it's a good thing I didn't know all these things about us women before I began dating my husband. He was very self-conscious and obviously terrified that I would somehow find him lacking. His ex-wife really did a number on him and he was still trying to get over it when we met. At first he would keep breaking up with me because he was certain he wasn't good enough. I had to be very patient and persistent because I knew underneath all that angst was a good man, and I was right.

For what it's worth, as long as you think you suck at life, you will. Are you sure it's the therapists who are the idiots? I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm just trying to get your attention. What are you worried will be exposed? Your belief in your own incompetence? If you don't want people to think you're a loser and pity you, then you need to stop acting so pathetic. You become pathetic when you try to fake people out to make them think you are normal and desirable when you are convinced otherwise. It's ridiculous to expect others to see you as someone you are not when you are so certain you are a loser and then walk away from them as soon as you perceive that they have seen you for what you think you are. I have to wonder if you even give them the opportunity to get to know you. So what if you slip up - do you really want to be friends with people who expect you to be perfect?

I highly doubt you are as incompetent as you think you are. Your choice is not between being fake or pathetic, but between self-assurance and self-pity. You can either sit around and continue to feel sorry for yourself, or you can work to find ways to make you feel better about yourself and improve your quality of life.

My husband and I are both very damaged people and we know that hell is not some place you go to when you die because it exists right here on earth. In spite of it all, we found ways to make a good life together. You can too, but first you have to want it, and then you have to work at it. I wish I could assure you it's easy, but it's very, very hard - and worth every ounce of effort.

Good Luck and Blessings to you.

WW

[johncarrol]

U know... after divorce I was alone for five years. I was afraid to start a new relationships. Last year I met an awesome girl on https://kovla.com/datings/us/richmond and now we are happy together) Maybe u should try online dating too

[BobbyDavis]

I don’t mean to sound insensitive but getting a girlfriend isn’t that hard and I think you need to work on your social skills along with your confidence.

[insertname]

Originally Posted by Shadix

The problem with this is that no girl is attracted to a guy who displays weakness or incompetence. Girls are wired through evolution to desire guys who are socially graceful and excel at what they do.

Speaking as a woman here...no. No we are not. The big red flags for me are arrogance and judgementalism (and anger). Confidence is fine, excelling is fine, but I don't specifically look for that in a man. I look for someone who is open and fun to be around. Nothing to do with confidence or competence.

The root of my problem is not social anxiety, it is the fact that I just suck at life. I am naturally incopetent and whenever I try to do anything, it shows. I don't know what my problem is because all the idiot therapists I have been to just say its social anxiety. But because of this, I cannot connect with anyone socially. All my interactions with people are inhibited and fake because if I acted on my true impulses, I would be exposed. I have no interest in having any sort of interactions with people if they see me as a loser and pity me. I would literally rather live my whole life alone. Basically I am forced to choose between being fake and being pathetic. I choose fake. So basically what happens is that when I meet a new group of people I try very hard to keep up this facade making myself look normal and desirable, but eventually I slip up and they see that I am a loser. At that point, I give up on them and move on.

That's called social anxiety. I'm a bit like that too sometimes. When I feel I've slipped up in some way or made a mistake, I just never see them again.

But that's exactly what social anxiety is.

[John25]

I can't speak for women but reality does not back up this statement. If girls were only attracted to these kind of guys, I think about 75% of men would not have any girl-friend at all...ever. Honesty and sincerity are more valuable qualities than the ones that you mentioned... but that is my experience.

Originally Posted by Shadix

The problem with this is that no girl is attracted to a guy who displays weakness or incompetence. Girls are wired through evolution to desire guys who are socially graceful and excel at what they do.

[Shadix]

Originally Posted by Werewoman

For what it's worth, as long as you think you suck at life, you will. Are you sure it's the therapists who are the idiots? I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm just trying to get your attention. What are you worried will be exposed? Your belief in your own incompetence? If you don't want people to think you're a loser and pity you, then you need to stop acting so pathetic. You become pathetic when you try to fake people out to make them think you are normal and desirable when you are convinced otherwise. It's ridiculous to expect others to see you as someone you are not when you are so certain you are a loser and then walk away from them as soon as you perceive that they have seen you for what you think you are. I have to wonder if you even give them the opportunity to get to know you. So what if you slip up - do you really want to be friends with people who expect you to be perfect?

I guess I should rephrase this. It's not so much that I slip up once, it's that I keep saying and doing things that give people the impression I am dumb. My experience has been that once people get an idea like that about you, it tends to stick. I don't really like being friends with people who think I am dumb, even if that's what I am, because dumb people are looked down on in society.

In terms of dating, idk there might be exceptions for various reasons, but I have read it is a scientific fact that competence is one of the main qualities that attracts women. The reason confidence is an attractive quality is because confident men are usually confident because they are competent. Women are wired through evolution to desire men who will protect them and be a good father to their children.

[A Red Panda]

Perhaps you should stop painting all women with the same brush.... and ignoring everything that different women are sharing with you.

Someone who doesn't listen or refuses to accept the experiences/beliefs/opinions of others are some of the BIGGEST turn-offs for me.

Quite frankly, if you think you are dumb then do something about it. Learn. Practice. Change. They are all possible if you put forth the effort to try - it might not be easy or quick but it IS possible. Don't try to lie and pretend - you'll never, ever, have an authentic relationship when you're being fake. No one at all likes people lying to them!

[Shadix]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Quite frankly, if you think you are dumb then do something about it. Learn. Practice. Change. They are all possible if you put forth the effort to try - it might not be easy or quick but it IS possible. Don't try to lie and pretend - you'll never, ever, have an authentic relationship when you're being fake. No one at all likes people lying to them!

That's true, pretending doesn't work, but neither does being myself. If being myself means showing everyone that I am dumb, then no it would not work. And no, you don't just stop being dumb, your IQ is pretty much hard-wired into you. The only thing you can do is keep quiet to avoid saying something stupid, and that falls under the category of pretending. So I'm pretty much screwed I think.

And if people don't like being lied to, then they should stop being judgmental and intolerant.

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by Shadix

I guess I should rephrase this. It's not so much that I slip up once, it's that I keep saying and doing things that give people the impression I am dumb. My experience has been that once people get an idea like that about you, it tends to stick. I don't really like being friends with people who think I am dumb, even if that's what I am, because dumb people are looked down on in society.

In terms of dating, idk there might be exceptions for various reasons, but I have read it is a scientific fact that competence is one of the main qualities that attracts women. The reason confidence is an attractive quality is because confident men are usually confident because they are competent. Women are wired through evolution to desire men who will protect them and be a good father to their children.

Geez, man, what planet are these so called 'people' from? I mean, where do you find such close-minded losers who assume you are dumb because of some of the things you say and do? I do stupid stuff all the time and usually just laugh it off since I'm not doing it to be stupid, I just have this rather bad habit of saying/doing before I think. Sometimes it's an asset because the outcome of such behavior can be hilarious. Yes, there have been people over the years that look down on me because of it and my response to them is "eff you and the horse you rode in on". The last thing I care about is what other people think about what I see as my 'quirks'. It's not like I can just snap my fingers and make them go away, so I figure I might as well have fun with it when I can. Of course it gets me into trouble sometimes - I have lost jobs and relationships because of it - but in the end, I'd still rather be who I am than some cookie-cutter human who must conform or else.

And for crying out loud, put down whatever crap it is you are reading that makes you think all women are looking for some caveman to come along, grab her by her hair and drag her to his hut. Most women in this day and age are perfectly capable of providing for themselves and through the miracle of science can have all the children they want without involving a man and do a fine job of raising them on their own. Women want companionship and someone to share their life with, good and bad, and to grow together and love one another. Everything else is just gravy.

WW

[insertname]

Originally Posted by Shadix

I guess I should rephrase this. It's not so much that I slip up once, it's that I keep saying and doing things that give people the impression I am dumb. My experience has been that once people get an idea like that about you, it tends to stick. I don't really like being friends with people who think I am dumb, even if that's what I am, because dumb people are looked down on in society.

And everybody with social anxiety does this. I know I'm not dumb, but I do think that I can seem childish and weak because I'm too self-deprecative and apologies too much (despite the fact a Johari's window experiment had everyone I know use words like 'independent' and 'mature' to describe me). Like you, I feel that once people have noticed that I'm childish and weak then they'll never forget that no matter what I do so I'll always have that label in their heads.

This is complete bollocks by the way, people are far more interested in themselves and do forget first impressions (despite what they say).

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Shadix

That's true, pretending doesn't work, but neither does being myself. If being myself means showing everyone that I am dumb, then no it would not work. And no, you don't just stop being dumb, your IQ is pretty much hard-wired into you. The only thing you can do is keep quiet to avoid saying something stupid, and that falls under the category of pretending. So I'm pretty much screwed I think.

And if people don't like being lied to, then they should stop being judgmental and intolerant.

I don't think you are dumb at all. You come across as intelligent person BUT I do think that you base your knowledge of the world on your own misconceptions or something you read on the Internet or something someone said rather than what's really there.

It results in you having view of the world that is mostly untrue. And because you insist you are right and argue about common sense things, you are sometimes giving an impression that you won't learn or that you know very little. At least that is how you are on here at times. If that is how you are in real life I could see how women might get frustrated.

You went to college and got college degrees right? So i assume you have at least average IQ. When it comes to social skills you could address in therapy and just start getting out there.

Many women nowadays aren't looking fur providers or some macho dudes. Those times are over.

But you are not dumb at all!!!

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[Shadix]

Here is an example of the type of thing I would do. Yesterday at work I tried to make coffee, which I've never done before. I had no idea how to do it and someone told me I had to "put the powder in". I didn't realize where it was supposed to go, so I poured the coffee grounds in the coffee pot. The people I work with showed up and were wondering why there were coffee grounds around the sides of the coffee pot. I just looked really confused and they asked if I put the coffee grounds in the coffee pot. They were looking at me like I was so dumb. This, along with the fact that I am always asking questions about obvious things, has probably earned me the title of village idiot. I am pretty sure none of them have any respect for me now. Actually the couple people who would talk to me, I noticed they seemed to have become less friendly before, so it might have already happened before and this may just be further confirmation for them.

[divine1966]

Do you not drink coffee? If you don't then I could see why you did not know, there is no shame in it. Now what I do not understand is when they told you to do something you don't know how why didn't you tell them you do not know how to make coffee and let them make it? Why would they even ask you?

Now if you are a coffee drinker yet don't know how to make coffee then it makes no sense. Why don't you know how?



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[Shadix]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Do you not drink coffee? If you don't then I could see why you did not know, there is no shame in it. Now what I do not understand is when they told you to do something you don't know how why didn't you tell them you do not know how to make coffee and let them make it? Why would they even ask you?

Now if you are a coffee drinker yet don't know how to make coffee then it makes no sense. Why don't you know how?

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I do drink coffee at work, but I don't make it. I just pour it from the pot. Usually when it is out, I just pass on it and wait till later when someone else refilled it. This time I just decided to go ahead and try to make it. I didn't tell them I don't know how to do it because that would give them further confirmation that I am incompetent, since I already ask a lot of questions about things. I was hoping to avoid that whole situation, but it work out like that.

I was especially embarrassed by the girl I work with whom I am somewhat attracted to. She was standing there giving me this fake smile type look, the type of look you'd give to someone when they tell you a stupid joke. I am pretty sure she lost all interest in me if she had any.