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Old Apr 02, 2015, 03:56 PM
dewdewdew dewdewdew is offline
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I had been having a bout of Depression before it all happened. I had told him I felt in love with him two months into the relationship. I never told him I loved him, I only told him I felt "in love." Our relationship was based upon honesty. He wanted honesty, so the day I missed a birth control pill, even if we had not had sex after that, I told him I didn't know I was pregnant. The thing is that I had read the instructions for the medication wrong. I am supposed to take two pills instead of just one on the day I remember. Since I was doing the opposite, I had misread the instructions, that day I missed the pills I had a hunch and I reread the instructions. I took two pills this time and my period didn't come. My anxiety got the best of me and I told my boyfriend I wasn't sure if my period didn't come because I was pregnant or because I had kept to the instructions. I explained everything to him. Even one morning when we were about to have sex I asked him to put a condom on because I hadn't taken my pills. I was really strict about it. I'm too young to have children, plus I'm in college, plus my mother would kick me out of her house if I were pregnant.

He went batshit crazy on me. He compared me to two other ladies he had dated that tried to trick him into getting them pregnant. I kept repeating that I could not have children, I did not want children at this moment in my life, I am taking medications that could possibly be fatal to the fetus, if not damaging, why would I want a child? I tried to talk some sense into him but he just kept going saying "You are sounding exactly like them [the women]." He ended up raging and telling me that he did not want to talk to me anymore. Nevertheless, I promised him I would take a test the next day and I had already had bloodwork drawn from the doctor from after we had sex the last time because the doctor thought I might be diabetic. All this was through text because at the time I thought he was working in his lab and I did not want to call him (I assume that if he checks his messages it's because he has time to do so).

That night I cut my left arm. This is not the first time that I cut. I was trying to cope with the Depression and the argument to the best of my abilities. Cutting helped because I couldn't sleep that night from all the crying. I questioned him. I questioned myself. I questioned, "What if we keep the relationship going for 10 years and I end up pregnant one day accidentally and he just leaves me after 10 years?"

The next morning I took the test, I sent him the results with a picture of the negative result. He texted me "Good morning " and then I can't remember what he said that ticked me off. I had told him I was suicidal already, I believe, and since he didn't believe anything I said the day before, I sent him a picture of my wounds from the day before. I believe I said something like, "And ignore that you have a suicidal girlfriend over here." But he had just told me he was going to work. I regret having done this a billion times. You guys don't know how much I regret the picture and what I said, but it was sort of like the spurt of the moment, just another one of my stupid irrational moments, like the night before when I had cut myself.

He stormed on me again. He said I was blackmailing him. He said I had violated The Rule that "Science comes before [me]." I called him and we talked and we settled on meeting on Friday. Which we did. It was a lot of me crying and even more of him talking. I couldn't think. I could just think that he was going to leave me because of my Depression just like my other ex. I could just think that it was all my fault that only if I hadn't texted back that picture, if I had not cut myself, if I had not gotten mad at him...

We decided under his suggestion that we would be separated until his candidacy exam and that after everything had settled down, we could talk again. He said he was not going to leave me unless I left him.

Days later I decided to send him a few messages through Facebook (because if you are on Facebook, you must have time to spare), talking about how I felt about everything, how he hurt me because he didn't understand that cutting was my way of coping with Depression (I probably would have done it anyways even if we had not had an argument... It's like a time bomb), I tried to put myself in his shoes too, he has a lot of work from graduate school and I was second to his career (he would be too if I had hopes for a career), etc, and I told him to reread carefully the messages and that we would talk after his exam (so he wouldn't have the stress of it on his shoulders and we could communicate better).

He had just woken up and SKIMMED through the messages for like a minute (which everything I wrote it was impossible to read in a minute) and then texted me like 15 times that I was not his slave and that he wanted to break up. I called him once again and I explained things to him, or tried to because I'm too sensitive and I can't talk about this issue without crying. He promised he would reread them again carefully and reconsider but that he couldn't promise me anything that he would like for us to be back together.

So now I don't know what to do. I don't know how to cope. All my aspirations, they are all gone because they were attached to him. He is my inspiration and my motivation. It sounds silly but... I just don't know what to do and my depression won't just go away either. I'm not cutting anymore, I told him I'd do my best not to do it anymore, but I wish he could be more sensitive to it and instead of saying that I'm blackmailing him, think that he could possibly help me stop cutting. I don't know, I wish he would be more supportive, in a way. But at the same time I don't blame him because he has a lot of work... But when I think about it, if he decided to have a girlfriend, then he has to have some extra time. I just keep blaming everything on myself. Maybe everything would be better if I had not cut myself, at least, or if I did not have anxiety, if I did not have Depression... I'm just grieving because I really gave myself to him and I still continue to do so.

TL;DR: Sorry for the wall of text I just want to explain everything well and not make my (ex)boyfriend look like a complete ***.
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  #2  
Old Apr 05, 2015, 01:21 PM
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kaliope kaliope is offline
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your boyfriend doesnt sound like an *** at all. it appears that there is an expectation for him to be the center of keeping you stable when you are unable to regulate your own emotions and this is too much of an expectation to place on another person. it is your own responsibility to not cut yourself and manage your feelings. nobody else can do that for you. if you need help with this, a therapist is who you go to for help. it is a bad sign for the relationship when his school comes before you though. that has got to make you feel less important and contribute to your negative feelings. there is a therapy called dbt. it is great for learning how to regulate emotions. i did the beginners class and it helped me immensely. a therapist would also give you the coping skills needed to help you deal with the loss of this relationship.
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kali's gallery http://forums.psychcentral.com/creat...s-gallery.htmlMy Boyfriend Broke Up With Me and I Can't Cope With It, Keep Blaming Myself -triggers


Thanks for this!
Trippin2.0
  #3  
Old Apr 05, 2015, 03:06 PM
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Fuzzybear Fuzzybear is offline
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  #4  
Old Apr 05, 2015, 05:53 PM
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Trippin2.0 Trippin2.0 is offline
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Relationships ending are generally hard to cope with... But when you make that person the centre of your world and your whole life revolves around them, including your wellbeing, well those are just devastating...


I did that to myself twice, which caused huge problems the first time as I was devastated over leaving an abusive man... The mental spiral and self loathing that followed was not pretty I assure you.


What I am trying to say is this, extricate yourself as an individual, your plans, aspirations and whatnot from this person.


Whether you reconcile or not.


A partner is not supposed to be our everything, they're supposed to complement that which already exists...


Another thing I needed to remind myself of is this, he is just a person, he poops and pees just like I do, so no reason to put him on a pedestal he never even asked for with god-like status and become my reason for breathing.


I also agree that you are in need of a therapist, I doubt bfs break up with you because you have a MH diagnosis, but could be that you're leaning too heavily on them and that causes them to buckle under the weight.


That's what happened with my last break up, we managed to reconcile eventually though, once he realized I was getting my shyt together and that there was no threat of being drowned in my suffering.


You are in my thoughts.
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  #5  
Old Apr 06, 2015, 04:51 PM
troubledinlove troubledinlove is offline
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I tend to also lean too heavily on my significant others. It is a lot of weight and pressure for them. In your situation I imagine it is very difficult for your bf to manage his own stress related to school and his feelings about you harming yourself.

He cares for you. He is not abandoning you. He is trying to remain focused on his education because his future is rooted in how well he does in school now.

I am sure seeing you hurting yourself is not easy for him and there is no script on what a person should or should not do when they are in a relationship with someone who is struggling emotionally.

Now is a great time to focus on you and discovering all of your interests, limitations, aspirations, goals, and hurdles. Use the help of friends and a therapist and really get in touch with what makes your life better.

Then and only then can you offer him a whole and healthy partner and in turn you will get one as well (even if you the break up sticks).

Become the best version of you that you can!
Thanks for this!
Trippin2.0
  #6  
Old Apr 06, 2015, 06:15 PM
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Rose76 Rose76 is offline
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You did a good job of explaining everything and you've been honest about your role in the breakdown of the relationship. I'm sorry for the pain you feel. You are trying to get an ocean of need met through a relationship. I hope someday you have a relationship that meets a good part of your need.

Your boyfriend, on the other hand - it sounds to me - was with you mainly to meet his healthy young need for regular sex, preferably without a lot of strings. So you see how this was an imbalanced relationship. That's why he's the one walking away . . . because it's easier for him . . . because he's not as dependent on you, as you were on him. Don't confuse yourself with stuff about how you violated the high value he places on honesty. And don't trust his version of what things were like with those two other girls who did not meet his high standard of honesty. This is his little game that keeps him on the moral high ground - in his mind. Honesty is not what he's all about. Using women for risk-free sex is more what he is about. But because he's so honest about not wanting cumbersome ties, that's supposed to make him a stand-up guy. He's not.

Call the pharmacist and get clear instructions on what to do when you forget a birth contol pill. I never heard of taking two pills together. Maybe you're right about that, but check. It's easy to misread all that fine print. Until you are in a very committed relationship, understand that not getting pregnant is pretty much on your shoulders. Men aren't going to worry too much about it. A man working on a Master's degree IS going to worry about having to pay child support to a woman he's not married to. That's going to worry him A LOT. He's got a plan for his life, and sending a monthly check to some woman for 20 years is not in the plan. So, if he has the slightest fear that you are going to make him a daddy unexpectedly, he will be out of there fast. And men aren't going to slowly explain that to you. He's not that honest.

When you started worrying him about the possibility that you might be pregnant, you were looking for the concern a committed man would show. You were forgetting that this relationship was not at that level of seriousness, or maybe you were hoping for reassurance that it was.

When you possibly being pregnant didn't elicit a caring response from him, you thought maybe suicidality would move his heart. Instead, you got a reality check from him about how he's not there to be your rock.

The good news is you haven't lost as much as you think you have. He didn't stop deeply caring for you because you messed up. The truth is he did not deeply care for you. You badly need to be very cared about, but you're going to have to find that when you find it. Because you're very young, it won't be hard for you to find men who want to have sex with you. What is going to be awful hard for you is understanding that coming around for sex means absolutely nothing , in terms of commitment.

You can't compel a man into caring for you in a committed way. Not by being "possibly" pregnant . . . and not by being suicidal, or at risk for self-harming.

Find a mental health program to be part of that will give you therapy and crisis intervention. College boys with raging hormones are surrounded by liberated young women available for sex. Understand that when a guy says his academic program is his priority, he is telling you that the sex is casual, and he's not looking for any responsibility.

You are probably going to keep getting hurt by guys looking for casual sex, because you want more than that. You probably need to avoid men who flat out tell you that a relationship is not their highest priority at this time.
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